Do you live in the south? Do you live in an area bordering the Gulf Coast? If you do, you know of the bane of my existence.

What are you talking about Tommy? The IRS? Illegal immigrants? The price of tea in Indo-China?

No friends and neighbors ... I'm talking about your friend and mine, that sweet, lovable little insect ... lets bring him on and give him a big southern huzzah ... Ladies and gentlemen ... I present to you ... THE LOVE BUG! WOO-HOO! *and the crowd goes wild*

Riiiiiiiiight.

What's that you say? You've never heard of the love bug? Well let me introduce you.

Looks innocuous, huh? Let me tell you, they aren't. These little bitches and bastards (the big one of the pair is the female) are Satan's spawn! I'm fucking serious. There is actually an urban legend that they are synthetic ... a science experiment from the University of Florida gone horribly wrong.

What makes them so horrible? Let me tell you! They show up twice a year ... once in the spring and then at the end of summer. They have no natural predator due to their extreme acidity and that means there are MILLIONS, nay, BILLIONS, of them. Think I'm bullshitting? Check this out:

Now this is just one post, at one house in an area encompassing thousands of square miles. Think about how many of these little pricks and ... well, you know ... there are in a city! Jesus!

Love bugs lay their eggs and five months or so later the larvae pop out. They eat rotten stuff as they grow but that is all they eat for their whole lives. Once they mature, they spend their whole lives copulating (that's fucking to you and me) with their mate, even when they fly! I mean they are hooked up at the ass until the male (the smaller one, in case you didn't get that) dies. After that, the woman drags his rotting corpse around (typical woman) until she lays her eggs ... about 350 of them ... and the cycle starts all over.

Now I might be able to handle that (and even be a bit envious. After all their whole life is dedicated to fucking! Pffft! How bad can that be, seriously!) except for the fact that they congregate heavily along our highways and byways. Imagine going 70 miles per hour through a sea of acidic sex fiends.

They get splattered on the front of your car and plaster your windshield with a layer of slimy goo. (Think of smacking about 10,000 of the little bastards (and bitches to give the women equal billing) JUST ON THE WAY TO WORK!)

It's a mess, trust me.

Oh and add that to the fact that their acid will pit your car's paint job if you don't clean them off daily AND that once they dry there (by about the time you are ready for your first break at work) they are like acidic cement on the grill of your car.

I have to tell you, you should probably stay where you are and thank the heavens above that you don't have to deal with them. Leave the lovebugs to the professionals ... along with the fresh seafood, hot women and cold beer. We know how to handle those things.

Now if I could just get some of those hot women to copulate for life ... maybe if I took an overdose of Cialis ... Hmmmmmmmm ....

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 9:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

It has been a hell of a weekend ... and in my life, that's saying a lot.

First things first. I know what many people think of me and I know what I've said before, but, well, there's no other way to say it ... I'm afraid I'm in love ...with the woman that I have called my wife for the past 22+ years (excepting the past year or so.)

I know I have probably painted her as this cold, frigid bitch, but I was wrong and I freely admit that ... well partially. You may or may not know that we have been spending weekends together (If not ... WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN? I HAVEN'T DIED ... JUST BEEN BUSY! DELURK ALREADY AND LEAVE A DAMNED COMMENT! Just kidding ... sorry ...) and doing a lot of talking.

Long story short, Saturday night we decided to reconcile. We had a really good weekend together as a total family. Both of us have admitted fault with the problems we had and both of us have showed by our actions that we are willing to face our faults and work to change them. We have a joint appointment with my therapist October 1. Wish us luck.

Second: Josh got picked for Jury Duty today. I dropped him off at 8:30 a.m. and by the time I got home, he was still gone. Ryan was too, but he called me to ask me to pick him and a "non-girlfriend" girlfriend up from the park and take her home. Got that? Good. By the time we got home again, Josh was still not home and there was no phone call. I decided to run to the courthouse to see if the dumbass was out of minutes and just hadn't called me.

I walked into the courtroom just in time to see him getting sworn to tell the truth. He didn't see me as I sat there and listened to the lawyers interrogate him.

I was so proud.

Continue reading "Tons o' shit ..." »

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 5:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

I love Todd McFarlane. In case you don't know McFarlane created the Spawn comic book character before moving on to create action figures. And not just any action figures, but extremely detailed action figures.

I was at work today and ran across a link to a group of figures he did based on the Wizard of Oz characters. Meet Dorothy, the woman of my dreams:

I'm in love and must have this whole set! Hey Christmas is coming and I been good ... sort of. Santa will understand, won't he? Sure he will ... I hope.

*Le Sigh*,

Did I mention I may be in love?

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 7:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Okay. I'm watching "Dogfights" on the History Channel and a commercial for Cialis or Viagra or one of those ED fixer-uppers pops up. (No pun intended) I'm chatting with a friend and so not really paying attention when suddenly I hear "If you have an erection lasting four hours ..." in the warning portion of the commercial. I never really thought about it before, but I'm thinking to myself ...

Is that really a problem? Is it really a bad thing? Cuz I'm not seeing the down side here. (Again, no pun intended)

Ladies? Your thoughts?

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 6:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Me and the boys watched "Bridge to Terabithia" last night. Well, me and RYAN did. Josh hit the sack after we got back from church and didn't get up except to come in and fall asleep on the couch during "300" (which I thought it started a little slow but ended up being freaking great! However, I digress)

So we finish "Terabithia" and are watching some of the extras. AnnaSophia Robb, the female lead, had a music video in there. I looked over at Ryan and said "She sings pretty good. And she's pretty hot!"

Without cracking a smile, he replies "Yeah and she's about 14, you pedophile."

Schooled by a 17 year old. *sniff* I'm so proud.

Oh, and work found my blog. I may need to make some changes. I'll let you know. Just know this. My employer does not endorse this blog nor is my blogging, opinions and other crap I post here in any way a reflection on my employer, nor am I an official spokesman for them when I post here. This is all me. Just "Joe Private Citizen," exercising my first amendment right to be an idiot. I won't be posting about work anymore and I may need to add a disclaimer to that effect. But we'll see. Ciao!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 4:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

I subscribe to a service called Clipmarks. Bloggers and surfers from all over the world "clip" their favorite findings and post them in a central location. It's kinda like YouTube but it's not just for video.

Today the email with the new collection came in and this gem was among them. Totally stolen from Infidel Guy's blog.

A grumpy old man walks into a local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I wanna join this damn church."

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

Thanks Infidel Guy. I needed that.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 6:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

on the ASS!

I have never been silent or ashamed of my status as a domestic God. Long-time readers know I love to cook and *shudder* even clean on occasion. Momma Gunn taught me well and I sooooo thank her for that. Given my current situation as a single father responsible for caring for two boys, I can't even envision the state this household would be in had she not made sure I was prepared for this eventuality. Almost spooky psychic, huh?

Never doubt a mother's wisdom.

On the other hand, there are always new things to learn ... like yesterday ... when I started the dryer and THEN opened the lint trap to scrape it clean ...

**

***

****

... and watched the lint being sucked off the screen and through the dryer, making it's way to *cue Mel Gibson in "Braveheart"* "FREEDOM!"

On a good note, it did add some much needed color to my lawn when it found that freedom just beyond the hot-air outlet vent on the outside wall... REDDISH-PINK color, but color nonetheless.

Did I mention I'm a domestic God? Yeah, I thought so.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 1:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I'm baaaaaaaack! WOOT!

I spent the afternoon and into the night yesterday reinstalling my OS on my laptop. It still seems to be a bit wonky, but I'm working on it. For some reason, it doesn't want to upload the Microsoft Office suite that I had on there before. I mean it worked fine before, but now it's telling me there is a problem.

I also despise the fact that I have to reboot about a thousand times while installing all the add-on shit that made my laptop so convenient to use. But I'm working through it. I have all the necessities installed and can take my time with the rest.

Did I mention I was up until 3 a.m. this morning fucking with it? Yeah ... I know, I'm anal.

Oh, and Son #1 had to be at Wal Mart at 7:30 a.m. this morning to fill out paperwork and get the referral for the drug test he had to take.

I guess he was excited about pissing in the bottle because at 6:30 a.m., he was IN MY FACE YELLING that I needed to get up and get ready to get him there.

Have I mentioned that Wal Mart is only a ten minute drive from our house? No? YES! IT'S A 10 MINUTE FUCKING DRIVE! What is he freaking thinking!

And on top of that YELLING! I coulda killed him, but I was a nice guy ... I told him to GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE AND TALK TO ME AT 7 A.M.! I mean, shit, man, I set the freaking alarm clock. I'm a responsible adult! Gimme a break!

We got there 10 minutes early and I hung out in the parking lot listening to "The Thirteenth Tale" (see side bar) on the iPod. He came back out with the piss test paperwork about 40 minutes later.

Now, there used to be a drug test center in Podunk Junction (my home town) but apparently they went out of business and the nearest one is now in Podink Junction (the next town over, a 30 minute drive.)

Oh yeah! Did I mention that I was taking my younger son out of school today so he could attend a Driving School so he could get his learners permit? And that the school started at 9 a.m.? And that the drug testing center was only open from 8-11 a.m. and closed on Wednesdays?

Yeah, I thought it was ridiculous too.

Thanks to the soon-to-be-ex, we got everybody where they needed to be and all was well. Oh, I'm also semi-permanently babysitting my sister's dogs (they have been here for the past year) and they had an appointment this afternoon. They are fine and are set for the next six months with the exception of needing their teeth cleaned ... at a cost of $140 apiece. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ALL ABOUT? Damn. Sorry, I may be PMSing. It's been a busy fucking day,

I think I'm gonna throw on a chicken breast casserole, take my Ambien and go to bed, Flickr uploader, Microsoft Outlook and Photoshop be damned. Love you guys. Talk to you tomorrow when I'm more prepared to face the world.

Laters

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 7:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Tonight, I made a beef roast, mashed potatoes and candied carrots. I cut slots in the roast and stuffed about a dozen cloves of garlic in them and then seasoned it with olive oil and a garlic herb seasoning mixture.

I boiled the potatoes while sauteeing a Vidalia onion and a couple of tablespoons of diced garlic. I put the potatoes and onion sautee in the Kitchen Aid mixer, added butter, sour cream and cheese and whipped them up.

The carrots were slightly steamed then I added a couple of tablespoons of honey, a couple of teaspoons of cinnamon and a cup of brown sugar. I left them on medium heat until the water evaporated and the sweet stuff made a glaze.

I believe that during the cooking process, the only way to ensure that everything is good is to taste and taste frequently. I often employ others that are going to enjoy the meal in the tasting process and ask their opinion about what is needed. IE: more salt, pepper, spices, etc. Obviously, the boys get to help out a lot and I have to say that they know what the fuck they are talking about.

If Ryan or Joshua say "I think it could use some cayenne pepper, or soy sauce, or thyme, or salt, or WHATEVER ... I believe them. See, I taste it first and have an idea of what the food needs, but I want to hear what they have to say. Sometimes they surprise me and suggest something I might not have thought of ... not often, but sometimes, and usually they are right and the dish ends up better than it would have. It's because of this that I think I rarely have complaints about what I cook.

Tonight, as I was in the kitchen, "Iron Chef America" was on. It was battle "Farmers Market" and we had been looking forward to watching it all week. The boys were in the living room and I was minding the stove when suddenly a voice called out ... "Hey dad! Why don't YOU take on one of the Iron Chefs?"

Now obviously, there has never been a home chef who has been accepted into Kitchen Stadium for that particular culinary battle, but my head swelled anyway. I was proud to think they considered me so capable in the kitchen that I could possibly do it.

I love being a domestic God! Have a good week ya'll"

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 11:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Five hours till vacation starts! Tick, tick, tick, tick ...

I can wait

really, I can

I have the patience of Job

Edit: It's ON! Two weeks of solitary bliss. Laziness shall abound, pictures will be taken, sleep will be had ... glorious, glorious vacation, I welcome thee with open arms! Embrace me and let me lose myself in thy bounty. Ahhhhhhhh. Peace, solitude, bliss ...

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 11:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I was over at Webmiztris' blog the other day and she was posting about the name of her band. A name that involves certain slang names for facets of the female anatomy, if you know what I mean ... OKAY! I'll say it. The name of her band is Pussywhip and she was asking her readers opinion as to whether she should change the name in order to easier get publicity or say "Fuck 'em ... if they can be the Butthole Surfers, We can be Pussywhip!"

**Edit: She has since decided to re-name the band "Kitty Whip" so as not to shoot herself in the foot right out of the gate. Good call Dawn. That's why "starving" artists are ... starving, that is. Get big and you can do what the fuck you want! Just look at John Cougar, er, John Cougar Mellencamp, er, John Mellencamp. Yeah ... that dude.

In any case, she is a very funny bitch blogger and you should be reading her.

Her post brought back a memory of a time I was in Savannah, visiting my brother. We went in this bar on Tybee Island called Skipper's. The bar had an energy drink for sale there and my brother told me it was delicious when mixed with ... fuck, I don't remember ... something alcoholic. He said it tasted like lemonade, I think, but that it would knock you on your ass!

I agreed to try it and we were ready to order. Of course he hadn't told me the name of the shit yet.

Continue reading "Savannah memories ..." »

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 2:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

... keeps getting better and better! I received my copy of Harry Potter free! (and it is a fucking KILLER book! Trust me on this one)

Well today Amazon sent me a $5 gift certificate for pre-ordering the damned thing in the first place. That's right, they're PAYING me to read the book! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Feel the power of the consumer!
***
***
***

Okay, so it's five bucks, but still? I'll take it. Now go away. I have to finish my book! Voldemort and Snape have Lucius Malfoy tied to the bed and, at last check, Dolores Umbridge was walking around in a patent leather thong, pumps and nipple clamps cracking a whip! God I love good literature.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 2:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

IT''S HERE! IT''S HERE! IT''S HERE! IT''S HERE!

What? you don't know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, kinda pathetic, huh? No wonder I can't get laid. I've been feeling like the world is closing in lately. You know the feeling? The one where no matter where you think you wanna go, it just isn't far enough away? Yep, thats the feeling, alright.

So I think I'll take a little trip to another universe for a while. One where magic and muggles rule and I don't have to worry about the light bill, the cable or the kids ... you know the place. Talk to you when I get back ... which should be tomorrow sometime. Wish me Godspeed and a safe journey. Bye!

Edit: DAMN! I'm only in the third chapter but whoda thought Harry died over the summer from syphillus he got from a three-way with Hermione and Ginnie Weasley? And that Dudley Dursley, Harry's hated cousin, was the illegitimate love-child of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and Aunt Petunia? Damn, this book is good!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 5:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

I love when shit happens for no apparent reason and yet it makes your day ... takes you out of a funk, so to speak. That happened to me today.

I'm sitting home (big surprise there huh?), minding my own business and waiting for the finale of "The Next Food Network Star" to come on, when I just happen to flip my phone open and see there is a new text message waiting for me. I check the number and it's local, but nothing I recognize.

Being the voyeur that I am, I went ahead and opened it up and this is what I read.

A doctor felt guilty for having sex with a patient.
One voice told him, "It's okay. Lots of doctors do that."
The other voice said, "YOU SICK BASTARD! You're a veterinarian!"

I'm telling you, sometimes life is good. Sometimes ...

EDIT: I just figured out who the text was from. Thanks, chicka!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 10:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I guess first off, I think I'll go with my 365 project. Simple enough. You may or may not know, but I work as a journalist for the U.S. Army. It's a good job. I love what I do which mainly consists of telling the stories of the Soldiers that honorably and selflessly serve our nation.

There are some bad apples that serve, I'm sure, but I haven't met any of them. Most of the Soldiers I know have a few things in common ... a selfless devotion to duty, a deep, abiding love for this country and the ideals that it stands for and a willingness -- not a desire, but a willingness -- to give their lives in the cause for which they serve.They are men and women, just like you and I. They have dreams, problems, desires .. everything you and I have. I have laughed with them, sharing in their camaraderie, and I have cried with them as they mourned fallen comrades, a job I wouldn't wish on anyone, but a job I thrive in.

I don't really give a flying fuck what your position or opinion of the president, the war, congress or anything else is. In my humble opinion, these men and women deserve nothing but your respect. I respect them and take my job seriously. That being said, there are other reasons I love working for 'Uncle Sugar.' Here is one in the form of "3 of 365" I like to call it "A Good Job."

Yep! That's me going home at 3:50 p.m. on a Friday. God I love my job.

Next, I saw the most amazing thing today. I stopped in at my local Circle K, an offshoot of Southland Corporation's 7-11 chain, to get some gas and a soda for the drive home. Outside the door, in a bright yellow, flame patterned shirt, stood a tow-headed 8 year old boy. As customers walked in and out of the door, the boy opened it for them, silently, making eye contact with each one.

Now, that might have been strange enough but this boy had an accessory that I think he wished he hadn't. He was wearing a two sided sandwich board made of cardboard. The sandwich board, reminiscent of one worn by out-of-work men exhorting pedestrians to "Eat at Joe's," was obviously home made. Scrawled across both sides of the board, lettered in the hand of a budding eight year old artist, was the phrase "I stole from Circle K."

After noticing it, I noticed another thing, two women, one obviously his mother, and a family friend just ... hanging around, making sure the kid served his penance. As I was in line, waiting to pay, the mother brought her son inside and, in front of all those waiting customers, introduced him to the manager and politely, yet firmly, asked him to tell her what he had stolen. When he hesitated, she told him to speak up and stood there as he found his voice, said he didn't remember the name of what he had stolen and walked over to the candy display and showed her.

I walked out then, having paid for my shit, thinking that the little boy was a lucky boy to have a mother who loved him that much, and that if there were more mothers in the world like her, I might not worry about the next generation so much. Then it hit me ... sometime in the last 15 years or so, I've turned into my dad.

There is more, but this is long enough, so I will save the rest for tonight or tomorrow. It's been a good day. Thanks for asking.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 5:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I think I got robbed! What about the wolf, dragon ... eagle for Christ's sake! All a bat is is a rat with wings. Pffft!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 12:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

You ever have one of those?

A day you wake up with the temperature hovering just below 70 degrees, truly a miracle for the month of July in the south.

The window open. Sunlight streaming through the tree outside speckles the carpet providing a natural, soft, waking light.

The smell of fresh cut grass perfumes the air on the crest of the breeze sweeping gently through the room, lifting the lace curtains only to let them fall lazily back into place again.

The full-throated cacophony of cardinals, mockingbirds, martins, sparrows and other songbirds provide the soundtrack of life as you stretch, sit up and ponder what direction your day appears to be headed.

As you make your way into the living room, the children are busy cleaning up, washing and folding laundry, loading and running the dishwasher.

The smell of fresh cut grass is replaced by carpet powder and lemon Pledge, but that's not all. The heady smell of fresh roasted coffee grounds giving up the nectar of life as water percolates through the coffee maker. You close your eyes and breathe deeply, the different smells assaulting your senses, threatening to overwhelm, but comforting all the same.

Walking now toward the kitchen, the kids smile and tell you good morning. Your paper, unopened and unread, is on the breakfast table and as you sit down a cup of coffee is placed in front of you.

Suddenly from the kitchen a sizzling hiss can be heard emanating from the area of the stove and the mouth-watering smell of bacon frying triggers an age old, primal response in your brain, bringing a smile to your face.

The eggs, three of them, over medium, grits creamy and swimming in butter, bacon crisp and meaty and toast a light, sensuous brown with a dollop of strawberry jam on each piece stare up at you from the plate.

Served with a smile, you begin to wonder who are these people and what did they do with your children?

The bowl of cantaloupe before you and the sound of your plate being scraped, rinsed and immediately placed in the dishwasher drive those thoughts out of your mind. After all, does it really matter?

You walk from the dinner table, back to the bedroom, grabbing a towel on the way and hit the shower. The hot water cascades across your face, over your shoulders and down your back relaxing tensed muscles and bringing a newness ... a freshness ... to the start of the day.

After stepping out of the shower, you notice a quiet solitude envelopes the house and your girlfriend is standing beside your bed in a gorgeous silk teddy with that "come hither" look making her literally glow.

She sent the kids to the movies and you have the house to yourself for the next several hours. The afternoon is spent fluctuating from hard, kinky, down and dirty fucking, to gentle intimate love making and back again. By the time you are done, you are literally spent.

Lying together, the last words you hear before you drift off to sleep is her, telling you she loves you more than anything else in the world and that she couldn't imagine being with anyone else anywhere else in the world.

You slumber and dream of the perfect day, in your perfect life with the perfect woman by your side and realize you are the happiest man in the world.

Have you ever had a day like that?

Yeah, me neither. Just thought I'd ask.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 2:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Oh yeah ... this is totally me! I love it!

So, whatdya think? It's the eyes ... definitely the eyes, Right? Right?

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 7:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

All these years of worry and stress and all I needed was to call THESE guys! And before you ask, yes, this is an actual e-mail I got today. I need to stop surfing porn so much.

"You guys are amazing with your delivery and customer service and your product actually DOES work. I have been married for the last 23 years and never in our marriage could we achieve the pleasure we can today. All because I am ejaculating the way I never have. My wife loves it and I love it more. Thanks for this great product. The 100% herbal WonderCum, endorsed by health care professionals, (emphasis added) needs no prescription.
It's true: more volume means more pleasure for both partners! And WonderCum is the all-natural, doctor-approved supplement to boost volume and potency to "Mind-Blowing New Levels"!

Unfortunately, he didn't leave his name. I'd like to ask his wife a few questions. *Le sigh* Maybe next time.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 11:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

So I get to work this morning and am reading my papers, getting informed on what's happening in the world when my boss comes in and asks if I'd run to the gate and turn off the marquee billboard.

We have a huge electronic billboard as you drive onto the main post that gives the time and temp and announces any major events coming up at Camp Swampy. We update it over the internet from our office. Well, for the past couple of days, there has been a problem ... it wasn't processing the updates. The solution is to turn the power off for 15 minutes and allow the internal circuits to reboot. As a man, and thereby HIGHLY qualified to turn off a light switch, the job fell to me.

I'm figuring "This is cool! I just finished my last sip of diet coke. I'll go turn the thing off and cruise to the store for a breakfast donut and a refill!" That should take about 15 minutes and I can turn the sign on and get back to the important job of reading my papers and getting ... well, you get the point.

I get there and the circuit breaker box is on a telephone pole up a slight hill off the road. Channeling Tim Taylor (played sublimely by Tim Allen in the 1980's T.V. series 'Home Improvement.' And by the way. His wife? Played by Patricia Richardson? Total MILF ... but I digress.) I climb the hill, remove the safety tag (which looks like the meter tags you find on your electric meter but is in fact more like a safety pin. Seriously! I think the only person that wouldn't be able to open it is someone who still takes their meals from mama's boobs *dreamy look*Mmmmmm ... Patricia Richardson *cough, cough* Oh sorry, where was I? Oh yeah ...) and turn off the sign. I can taste the donut already.

Continue reading "Morning excitement and government efficiency ..." »

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 9:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 8:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

You hear about the guy who had a wallet made of foreskin?

Everytime he rubs it, it turns into a briefcase.

GOD! I KILL Me! HA!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 9:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I normally try to create my own posts but I ran across this and had ... HAD to steal it. I present to you the ten worst domain names in history!

1. A site called “Who Represents” where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name - wait for it - is
www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always
www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church . Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe ? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com

Okay, I may be a thief but I do attribute. I found this here. Hope this makes you laugh as much as I did. Laters!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 8:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

President Bush and Congress have tentatively agreed on a new immigration bill that would allow ILLEGAL Immigrants amnesty with fines and a "throwback" condition where illegals would have to return to their home countries (read, Mexico) during the application process. You wanna know what happens when a country doesn't control immigration?

Just ask the American Indian.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 10:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

... and just in case you were wondering what to get me, well, I thought I'd give you some thoughts. A thought actually. Sometimes I have to dress up, you know? Narrate ceremonies where dignitaries like generals, mayors senators and all kind of important people attend. Shirt, tie, slacks, nice shoes ... the works. So a sharp dresser like me could always use a new dress shirt. Here's the one I was thinking about:

Shouldn't be that difficult right? Oh ... and here's the info on where to get it.

Need a closer look? Okay ... here you go.

Yeah ... I think that would be perfect. Thanks and here's to Father's Day. Hope yours is a happy one and remember ... buy American!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 9:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Yeah ... we're just one big, happy family!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 5:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

First off, I have had to put a small comment modification procedure into effect because of the amount of spam comments I have been receiving. Serious shit it has been about 25-40 per day lately. So, after you comment, just type TG in the box below the comment and it will post as usual. If you don't do that, it will be put in my junk folder and may take a little more time to show up. That's TG without quotes. Simple, huh? Thanks in advance for your cooperation. Now on to the "other BS"
My son is home from school today. School was canceled. "TELL US TOMMY! Was it an outbreak of food poisoning? Did the school flood? Did a sewer line bust or did they find black mold and condemn the joint?"
No friends the reason is much simpler than that. The teachers want more money so they took off to gather in the capitol to demand it. What? Don't believe me? This is from "The Daily Advertiser," a Lafayette newspaper.

BATON ROUGE - Gov. Kathleen Blanco will join members of the Louisiana Federation of Teachers in a pay raise rally on the Capitol steps today, but the teachers might find a cool welcome in the Legislature.

Schools will be closed in at least seven parishes because so many teachers and school employees have requested a day off to attend the rally, the LFT reported Tuesday. To some legislators, that shows dedication to their cause but to others, teachers should have stayed in the classroom, especially since there's universal support for raises.

The LFT said school systems in East Baton Rouge, Calcasieu, Tangipahoa, Richland, Jackson and Washington parishes will close all schools. Beauregard Parish schools will be open for teachers who aren't attending the rally, but students won't attend classes.
A delegation of support workers from St. Landry Parish is expected to join the rally.

Sen. Charles Jones, D-Monroe, whose district includes Richland Parish, said he supports the move because "it means they are committed to education. It speaks volumes about their dedication" that they are willing to take a day off to show legislators that they seriously want a raise.

"Richland is one of the parishes in the Delta where education needs are the greatest," Jones said. "A number of the teachers in the Delta are not certified teachers" because the salaries are so low that some systems can't attract certified educators.

"This is an unprecedented opportunity, from a fiscal standpoint, to help them," he said.

State Superintendent of Education Paul Pastorek takes a different view.

"While I respect every teacher's right to visit with their legislators and bring their issues to the state Capitol, I do not believe it should be done at the expense of children and instructional time," he said. "It is disconcerting to me that teachers would choose for kids to lose an entire day of school and inconvenience parents in such a way."

The governor has a proposal to grant each certified teacher and certified school employee a $2,375 pay raise and $750 pay raises to support workers.

The Louisiana Association of Educators and Associated Professional Educators of Louisiana refused to participate in the rally. Representatives for both groups said they prefer to let legislators know of their concerns about salaries and requests for raises in other ways.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 4:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Confusion, ancient Oriental wise man, once say "When blogger make no sense, randomosity is created in post." Thus is it written in The Book of Literarians, Chapter 7 verse 16.
1) Okay .. the smoking thing is going okay ... so far, but I'm sure I'll find some way to screw it up.
2) The wife moved out of the house yesterday. She was in tears and didn't even tell me goodbye. She did talk to the boys before she left. I called her to ask where she was and she told me "On my way." I said "Without even saying goodbye?" She cried more, told me she talked to the boys but she couldn't tell me goodbye. Some are surprised that I expect any civility or other normal form of non-hate filled societal behavior and feelings from her. Am I fucking nuts? Am I totally wrong?
3)Third, I wash the dishes prior to putting them in the dishwasher. I don't rinse them off, I basically wash them clean, THEN put them in the dishwasher. They come out covered in oil and grease. Does anybody know what the fuck is going on here? It looks clean on the inside, the water is not backing up, there is no insinkerator or other garbage disposal attached. I need HELP! or ideas at least.
4) If we can figure that out, then I will need help figuring out what the hell is leaking from my fridge. It isn't the overflow tray and there is no ice maker attached, but every couple of days water fills the depression under my crisper drawers and begins leaking out the corner of the fridge.
"For it is given unto those with awesome hand tools and the knowledge of how to use them to help the meek and ungainly figure out what the fuck is happening in their houses." The book of Home Depotians, Chapter 13 Verse 3-6.
Can I get a hand in the air and an "AMEN" from the Home Deposians? Brothers and sisters it has been written that "God helps those who know what the fuck they are doing and deign to share that knowledge with the infirm of mind or experience." Book of Stupidity, Chapter 19, verse 23-30. It's been written, it's been said, now how about giving a tool-less unclean village idiot a hand ... or at least idea. Praise Confusion from whom all blessings flow.
Amen
Now I'm off to chase a few women on the Island of Lesbos. I figure I'm bound to find a few bi-curious members of that stellar society. Wish me luck and remember ...

To read more words of wisdom from this venerable eastern sage, (Confusion, not Jesus) click the continue reading button.

Continue reading "Stupid Single Guy ..." »

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 10:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I gave my two sons driving lessons over the weekend. I ask you? Is it any wonder my hair is going gray?
Goddess Clairol and sister Maybelline, name thy sacrifice to return to me the thick, dark, single color, Sampson-like tresses of my youth.
God of the Airbag, give me strength and patience. Help me as I travel life's highways ... as a passenger ... with a 16 year old in control of a 3,000 pound bullet that still has several payments left on it. Don't blow up in my face at 200 miles per hour because the fruits of my loin are turning up the radio to catch My Chemical Romance's "Welcome to the Black Parade" instead of concentrating on staying as far away from telephone poles as possible.
Protect me from teen drivers who think that they can drive because they've been playing "Need for Speed Underground" on the Playstation 2 for the past six months and "outran at least a thousand cops without getting in a single wreck."
Oh, and world peace would be nice too ... and getting laid. Or at least a blowjob. Just askin' but thy will be done..
Amen

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 10:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

So I'm driving to my mom's house today to drop off a batch of guacamole I made her for her Pampered Chef party tonight and flip on the radio. My regular station is kind of hard to get on post so I'm pleasantly surprised to hear the announcer coming in loud and clear. Suddenly they give the call letters and I realize that it ISN'T my normal station but something that's just bleeding through because of atmospheric conditions.
So as I'm contemplating whether or not this disappointment is worthy of hari kari, a loud "FUCK ME!", or possible a strongly worded letter to management, a commercial comes on that I just don't know how to feel about. Half of me wants to bust a gut laughing and the other wants to frown, get that fatherly "knitted eyebrow" look and shake my finger vigorously while uttering a harsh "TSK,TSK!" You tell me how you feel.

Her: George are you speeding again? You're gonna get caught and we can't afford another ticket.
Him: Don't worry honey, I've got the new Speed-o-matic 3000* and our car is totally invisible to all forms of police radar detection devices. AND it's guaranteed. If we do get a ticket, the Speed-o-matic Company* will PAY it!
Her: Well in that case, step on it. If we don't hurry we're gonna be late!

I swear to God, I had to check twice to make sure I wasn't listening to the best of Saturday Night Live or something! I ain't making this shit up, I promise!

Next, we were driving around this weekend. Ryan took the camera and was playing around a bit. I stopped to get gas at this "friendly" little service station owned and operated by my friend Pakistani Phil. He's such a friendly guy, he put up a sign welcoming all customers to his fine establishment. The sign is about 8 feet tall and goes a little something like this:

This past Saturday, it was a boys day out, we went to CajunFest 2007 on post. Here are a couple of pics. Joshua was flipping the bird, so at his mother's request, I photoshopped it out. Ryan is just ... well, Ryan.

And finally, How'd you like to wake up with this staring you in the face?

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 11:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Well it's been a while again but you all don't really know what's been happening so I'll tell you. I was very depressed in the lead-up to the holidays so I thought I should go see the doctor about it. I did and he diagnosed me and put me on a couple of meds ... an anti depressant and a mood stabilizer. They seem to be working miracles. With the exception of a couple with the wife, I have not had a single blow up since then. I have been spending a lot of time with Ryan and we are really bonding like we haven't in a long time. We really are a lot alike. I think if I were his age, we would be best friends at school. That sounds retarded but I just get that feeling. I checked him out of school Friday to come to work with me. I ditched a little early and took him to get a haircut before his Valentine's Day dance at school. He really looks good and is pretty happy with it ... or so he says! After that we went to the pet store and were looking at ferrets and snakes and lizards ... we may get one of them (not sure which one though) when my wife moves out. Hee!
My brother Kevin was in town today. He is on his way to Shreveport to hit the casino with his girlfriend so I got to spend a couple of hours hanging out with him which was cool. Here is a picture of the Dynamic Duo.

More on Flickr if you're interested. Finally I won another first place award in the Keith L. Ware competition. I also won a third place. I was the only one in the office who won a first place award and that story will now go on to compete at Army wide level. Wish me luck. I'm gonna try and get around to all of your sites soon ... Yeah, where have you heard that before? But I promise I'm gonna try. Have a great rest of your weekend and we'll talk more later. See Ya!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 6:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (15)

Heard while watching a promo for "Ace of Cakes" on the Food Network.

Ryan: I think the guy who owns the bakery (Duff Goldman) is gay.

Dad (Me): What the hell are you talking about? He's not gay!

Joshua: Dude He's not gay ... he's Jewish!

Me and Ryan: **huh?** ... * * * ... * * * ...

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 12:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

I've been away a couple of days. Sorry. But it's been a hectic end-of the week. I don't even know where to begin so it's just gonna be a bunch of random shit spewed out. Here goes ...

Thursday

Friday

Saturday. My new shoes. Originally $69.99. I got em for $19.99. Tell me I can't accessorize! Pffft!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 2:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

It is a cold mother fucker out there tonight! As I type this, it is 36 degrees and has been raining, actually more like drizzling, ALL.FREAKING.DAY.LONG. It's been MISERABLE ... I love it! I really do love this weather. I know, maybe it's because I live in Louisiana and we so seldom get weather like this but who knows.
I don't remember if I have posted this before. I did just turn 45 after all. (Can the onset of Alzheimer's be that far off?) I have been taking a ton of pictures lately and frankly I'm too lazy to check my archives to see if I did. So if I did post it I apologize. I was cruising in the car the other day and had the camera and just started snapping off pics. I like the way this one turned out. Hope you do too. I just call it ... "Cruising":

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 7:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (22)

Day 12 finds our intrepid hero at work ... because no one bothered to call him and tell him that he didn't have to be in regular time ... but I digress. No, I don't ya know? Fuck it. I was here two hours early and I'm gonna by-God take care of my plants!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 2:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I love getting phone calls from people I care deeply about, don't you? I thought so. On a completely unrelated note, Damn I need to pluck my eyebrows, n'est pas? Kinda getting that Andy Rooney/John Madden thing going here.