Do you live in the south? Do you live in an area bordering the Gulf Coast? If you do, you know of the bane of my existence.

What are you talking about Tommy? The IRS? Illegal immigrants? The price of tea in Indo-China?

No friends and neighbors ... I'm talking about your friend and mine, that sweet, lovable little insect ... lets bring him on and give him a big southern huzzah ... Ladies and gentlemen ... I present to you ... THE LOVE BUG! WOO-HOO! *and the crowd goes wild*

Riiiiiiiiight.

What's that you say? You've never heard of the love bug? Well let me introduce you.

Looks innocuous, huh? Let me tell you, they aren't. These little bitches and bastards (the big one of the pair is the female) are Satan's spawn! I'm fucking serious. There is actually an urban legend that they are synthetic ... a science experiment from the University of Florida gone horribly wrong.

What makes them so horrible? Let me tell you! They show up twice a year ... once in the spring and then at the end of summer. They have no natural predator due to their extreme acidity and that means there are MILLIONS, nay, BILLIONS, of them. Think I'm bullshitting? Check this out:

Now this is just one post, at one house in an area encompassing thousands of square miles. Think about how many of these little pricks and ... well, you know ... there are in a city! Jesus!

Love bugs lay their eggs and five months or so later the larvae pop out. They eat rotten stuff as they grow but that is all they eat for their whole lives. Once they mature, they spend their whole lives copulating (that's fucking to you and me) with their mate, even when they fly! I mean they are hooked up at the ass until the male (the smaller one, in case you didn't get that) dies. After that, the woman drags his rotting corpse around (typical woman) until she lays her eggs ... about 350 of them ... and the cycle starts all over.

Now I might be able to handle that (and even be a bit envious. After all their whole life is dedicated to fucking! Pffft! How bad can that be, seriously!) except for the fact that they congregate heavily along our highways and byways. Imagine going 70 miles per hour through a sea of acidic sex fiends.

They get splattered on the front of your car and plaster your windshield with a layer of slimy goo. (Think of smacking about 10,000 of the little bastards (and bitches to give the women equal billing) JUST ON THE WAY TO WORK!)

It's a mess, trust me.

Oh and add that to the fact that their acid will pit your car's paint job if you don't clean them off daily AND that once they dry there (by about the time you are ready for your first break at work) they are like acidic cement on the grill of your car.

I have to tell you, you should probably stay where you are and thank the heavens above that you don't have to deal with them. Leave the lovebugs to the professionals ... along with the fresh seafood, hot women and cold beer. We know how to handle those things.

Now if I could just get some of those hot women to copulate for life ... maybe if I took an overdose of Cialis ... Hmmmmmmmm ....

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 9:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

It has been a hell of a weekend ... and in my life, that's saying a lot.

First things first. I know what many people think of me and I know what I've said before, but, well, there's no other way to say it ... I'm afraid I'm in love ...with the woman that I have called my wife for the past 22+ years (excepting the past year or so.)

I know I have probably painted her as this cold, frigid bitch, but I was wrong and I freely admit that ... well partially. You may or may not know that we have been spending weekends together (If not ... WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN? I HAVEN'T DIED ... JUST BEEN BUSY! DELURK ALREADY AND LEAVE A DAMNED COMMENT! Just kidding ... sorry ...) and doing a lot of talking.

Long story short, Saturday night we decided to reconcile. We had a really good weekend together as a total family. Both of us have admitted fault with the problems we had and both of us have showed by our actions that we are willing to face our faults and work to change them. We have a joint appointment with my therapist October 1. Wish us luck.

Second: Josh got picked for Jury Duty today. I dropped him off at 8:30 a.m. and by the time I got home, he was still gone. Ryan was too, but he called me to ask me to pick him and a "non-girlfriend" girlfriend up from the park and take her home. Got that? Good. By the time we got home again, Josh was still not home and there was no phone call. I decided to run to the courthouse to see if the dumbass was out of minutes and just hadn't called me.

I walked into the courtroom just in time to see him getting sworn to tell the truth. He didn't see me as I sat there and listened to the lawyers interrogate him.

I was so proud.

Continue reading "Tons o' shit ..." »

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 5:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

I love Todd McFarlane. In case you don't know McFarlane created the Spawn comic book character before moving on to create action figures. And not just any action figures, but extremely detailed action figures.

I was at work today and ran across a link to a group of figures he did based on the Wizard of Oz characters. Meet Dorothy, the woman of my dreams:

I'm in love and must have this whole set! Hey Christmas is coming and I been good ... sort of. Santa will understand, won't he? Sure he will ... I hope.

*Le Sigh*,

Did I mention I may be in love?

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 7:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Okay. I'm watching "Dogfights" on the History Channel and a commercial for Cialis or Viagra or one of those ED fixer-uppers pops up. (No pun intended) I'm chatting with a friend and so not really paying attention when suddenly I hear "If you have an erection lasting four hours ..." in the warning portion of the commercial. I never really thought about it before, but I'm thinking to myself ...

Is that really a problem? Is it really a bad thing? Cuz I'm not seeing the down side here. (Again, no pun intended)

Ladies? Your thoughts?

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 6:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Me and the boys watched "Bridge to Terabithia" last night. Well, me and RYAN did. Josh hit the sack after we got back from church and didn't get up except to come in and fall asleep on the couch during "300" (which I thought it started a little slow but ended up being freaking great! However, I digress)

So we finish "Terabithia" and are watching some of the extras. AnnaSophia Robb, the female lead, had a music video in there. I looked over at Ryan and said "She sings pretty good. And she's pretty hot!"

Without cracking a smile, he replies "Yeah and she's about 14, you pedophile."

Schooled by a 17 year old. *sniff* I'm so proud.

Oh, and work found my blog. I may need to make some changes. I'll let you know. Just know this. My employer does not endorse this blog nor is my blogging, opinions and other crap I post here in any way a reflection on my employer, nor am I an official spokesman for them when I post here. This is all me. Just "Joe Private Citizen," exercising my first amendment right to be an idiot. I won't be posting about work anymore and I may need to add a disclaimer to that effect. But we'll see. Ciao!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 4:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

I subscribe to a service called Clipmarks. Bloggers and surfers from all over the world "clip" their favorite findings and post them in a central location. It's kinda like YouTube but it's not just for video.

Today the email with the new collection came in and this gem was among them. Totally stolen from Infidel Guy's blog.

A grumpy old man walks into a local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I wanna join this damn church."

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

Thanks Infidel Guy. I needed that.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 6:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

on the ASS!

I have never been silent or ashamed of my status as a domestic God. Long-time readers know I love to cook and *shudder* even clean on occasion. Momma Gunn taught me well and I sooooo thank her for that. Given my current situation as a single father responsible for caring for two boys, I can't even envision the state this household would be in had she not made sure I was prepared for this eventuality. Almost spooky psychic, huh?

Never doubt a mother's wisdom.

On the other hand, there are always new things to learn ... like yesterday ... when I started the dryer and THEN opened the lint trap to scrape it clean ...

**

***

****

... and watched the lint being sucked off the screen and through the dryer, making it's way to *cue Mel Gibson in "Braveheart"* "FREEDOM!"

On a good note, it did add some much needed color to my lawn when it found that freedom just beyond the hot-air outlet vent on the outside wall... REDDISH-PINK color, but color nonetheless.

Did I mention I'm a domestic God? Yeah, I thought so.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 1:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I'm baaaaaaaack! WOOT!

I spent the afternoon and into the night yesterday reinstalling my OS on my laptop. It still seems to be a bit wonky, but I'm working on it. For some reason, it doesn't want to upload the Microsoft Office suite that I had on there before. I mean it worked fine before, but now it's telling me there is a problem.

I also despise the fact that I have to reboot about a thousand times while installing all the add-on shit that made my laptop so convenient to use. But I'm working through it. I have all the necessities installed and can take my time with the rest.

Did I mention I was up until 3 a.m. this morning fucking with it? Yeah ... I know, I'm anal.

Oh, and Son #1 had to be at Wal Mart at 7:30 a.m. this morning to fill out paperwork and get the referral for the drug test he had to take.

I guess he was excited about pissing in the bottle because at 6:30 a.m., he was IN MY FACE YELLING that I needed to get up and get ready to get him there.

Have I mentioned that Wal Mart is only a ten minute drive from our house? No? YES! IT'S A 10 MINUTE FUCKING DRIVE! What is he freaking thinking!

And on top of that YELLING! I coulda killed him, but I was a nice guy ... I told him to GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE AND TALK TO ME AT 7 A.M.! I mean, shit, man, I set the freaking alarm clock. I'm a responsible adult! Gimme a break!

We got there 10 minutes early and I hung out in the parking lot listening to "The Thirteenth Tale" (see side bar) on the iPod. He came back out with the piss test paperwork about 40 minutes later.

Now, there used to be a drug test center in Podunk Junction (my home town) but apparently they went out of business and the nearest one is now in Podink Junction (the next town over, a 30 minute drive.)

Oh yeah! Did I mention that I was taking my younger son out of school today so he could attend a Driving School so he could get his learners permit? And that the school started at 9 a.m.? And that the drug testing center was only open from 8-11 a.m. and closed on Wednesdays?

Yeah, I thought it was ridiculous too.

Thanks to the soon-to-be-ex, we got everybody where they needed to be and all was well. Oh, I'm also semi-permanently babysitting my sister's dogs (they have been here for the past year) and they had an appointment this afternoon. They are fine and are set for the next six months with the exception of needing their teeth cleaned ... at a cost of $140 apiece. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ALL ABOUT? Damn. Sorry, I may be PMSing. It's been a busy fucking day,

I think I'm gonna throw on a chicken breast casserole, take my Ambien and go to bed, Flickr uploader, Microsoft Outlook and Photoshop be damned. Love you guys. Talk to you tomorrow when I'm more prepared to face the world.

Laters

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 7:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Tonight, I made a beef roast, mashed potatoes and candied carrots. I cut slots in the roast and stuffed about a dozen cloves of garlic in them and then seasoned it with olive oil and a garlic herb seasoning mixture.

I boiled the potatoes while sauteeing a Vidalia onion and a couple of tablespoons of diced garlic. I put the potatoes and onion sautee in the Kitchen Aid mixer, added butter, sour cream and cheese and whipped them up.

The carrots were slightly steamed then I added a couple of tablespoons of honey, a couple of teaspoons of cinnamon and a cup of brown sugar. I left them on medium heat until the water evaporated and the sweet stuff made a glaze.

I believe that during the cooking process, the only way to ensure that everything is good is to taste and taste frequently. I often employ others that are going to enjoy the meal in the tasting process and ask their opinion about what is needed. IE: more salt, pepper, spices, etc. Obviously, the boys get to help out a lot and I have to say that they know what the fuck they are talking about.

If Ryan or Joshua say "I think it could use some cayenne pepper, or soy sauce, or thyme, or salt, or WHATEVER ... I believe them. See, I taste it first and have an idea of what the food needs, but I want to hear what they have to say. Sometimes they surprise me and suggest something I might not have thought of ... not often, but sometimes, and usually they are right and the dish ends up better than it would have. It's because of this that I think I rarely have complaints about what I cook.

Tonight, as I was in the kitchen, "Iron Chef America" was on. It was battle "Farmers Market" and we had been looking forward to watching it all week. The boys were in the living room and I was minding the stove when suddenly a voice called out ... "Hey dad! Why don't YOU take on one of the Iron Chefs?"

Now obviously, there has never been a home chef who has been accepted into Kitchen Stadium for that particular culinary battle, but my head swelled anyway. I was proud to think they considered me so capable in the kitchen that I could possibly do it.

I love being a domestic God! Have a good week ya'll"

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 11:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Five hours till vacation starts! Tick, tick, tick, tick ...

I can wait

really, I can

I have the patience of Job

Edit: It's ON! Two weeks of solitary bliss. Laziness shall abound, pictures will be taken, sleep will be had ... glorious, glorious vacation, I welcome thee with open arms! Embrace me and let me lose myself in thy bounty. Ahhhhhhhh. Peace, solitude, bliss ...

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 11:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I was over at Webmiztris' blog the other day and she was posting about the name of her band. A name that involves certain slang names for facets of the female anatomy, if you know what I mean ... OKAY! I'll say it. The name of her band is Pussywhip and she was asking her readers opinion as to whether she should change the name in order to easier get publicity or say "Fuck 'em ... if they can be the Butthole Surfers, We can be Pussywhip!"

**Edit: She has since decided to re-name the band "Kitty Whip" so as not to shoot herself in the foot right out of the gate. Good call Dawn. That's why "starving" artists are ... starving, that is. Get big and you can do what the fuck you want! Just look at John Cougar, er, John Cougar Mellencamp, er, John Mellencamp. Yeah ... that dude.

In any case, she is a very funny bitch blogger and you should be reading her.

Her post brought back a memory of a time I was in Savannah, visiting my brother. We went in this bar on Tybee Island called Skipper's. The bar had an energy drink for sale there and my brother told me it was delicious when mixed with ... fuck, I don't remember ... something alcoholic. He said it tasted like lemonade, I think, but that it would knock you on your ass!

I agreed to try it and we were ready to order. Of course he hadn't told me the name of the shit yet.

Continue reading "Savannah memories ..." »

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 2:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

... keeps getting better and better! I received my copy of Harry Potter free! (and it is a fucking KILLER book! Trust me on this one)

Well today Amazon sent me a $5 gift certificate for pre-ordering the damned thing in the first place. That's right, they're PAYING me to read the book! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Feel the power of the consumer!
***
***
***

Okay, so it's five bucks, but still? I'll take it. Now go away. I have to finish my book! Voldemort and Snape have Lucius Malfoy tied to the bed and, at last check, Dolores Umbridge was walking around in a patent leather thong, pumps and nipple clamps cracking a whip! God I love good literature.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 2:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

IT''S HERE! IT''S HERE! IT''S HERE! IT''S HERE!

What? you don't know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, kinda pathetic, huh? No wonder I can't get laid. I've been feeling like the world is closing in lately. You know the feeling? The one where no matter where you think you wanna go, it just isn't far enough away? Yep, thats the feeling, alright.

So I think I'll take a little trip to another universe for a while. One where magic and muggles rule and I don't have to worry about the light bill, the cable or the kids ... you know the place. Talk to you when I get back ... which should be tomorrow sometime. Wish me Godspeed and a safe journey. Bye!

Edit: DAMN! I'm only in the third chapter but whoda thought Harry died over the summer from syphillus he got from a three-way with Hermione and Ginnie Weasley? And that Dudley Dursley, Harry's hated cousin, was the illegitimate love-child of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and Aunt Petunia? Damn, this book is good!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 5:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

I love when shit happens for no apparent reason and yet it makes your day ... takes you out of a funk, so to speak. That happened to me today.

I'm sitting home (big surprise there huh?), minding my own business and waiting for the finale of "The Next Food Network Star" to come on, when I just happen to flip my phone open and see there is a new text message waiting for me. I check the number and it's local, but nothing I recognize.

Being the voyeur that I am, I went ahead and opened it up and this is what I read.

A doctor felt guilty for having sex with a patient.
One voice told him, "It's okay. Lots of doctors do that."
The other voice said, "YOU SICK BASTARD! You're a veterinarian!"

I'm telling you, sometimes life is good. Sometimes ...

EDIT: I just figured out who the text was from. Thanks, chicka!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 10:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I guess first off, I think I'll go with my 365 project. Simple enough. You may or may not know, but I work as a journalist for the U.S. Army. It's a good job. I love what I do which mainly consists of telling the stories of the Soldiers that honorably and selflessly serve our nation.

There are some bad apples that serve, I'm sure, but I haven't met any of them. Most of the Soldiers I know have a few things in common ... a selfless devotion to duty, a deep, abiding love for this country and the ideals that it stands for and a willingness -- not a desire, but a willingness -- to give their lives in the cause for which they serve.They are men and women, just like you and I. They have dreams, problems, desires .. everything you and I have. I have laughed with them, sharing in their camaraderie, and I have cried with them as they mourned fallen comrades, a job I wouldn't wish on anyone, but a job I thrive in.

I don't really give a flying fuck what your position or opinion of the president, the war, congress or anything else is. In my humble opinion, these men and women deserve nothing but your respect. I respect them and take my job seriously. That being said, there are other reasons I love working for 'Uncle Sugar.' Here is one in the form of "3 of 365" I like to call it "A Good Job."

Yep! That's me going home at 3:50 p.m. on a Friday. God I love my job.

Next, I saw the most amazing thing today. I stopped in at my local Circle K, an offshoot of Southland Corporation's 7-11 chain, to get some gas and a soda for the drive home. Outside the door, in a bright yellow, flame patterned shirt, stood a tow-headed 8 year old boy. As customers walked in and out of the door, the boy opened it for them, silently, making eye contact with each one.

Now, that might have been strange enough but this boy had an accessory that I think he wished he hadn't. He was wearing a two sided sandwich board made of cardboard. The sandwich board, reminiscent of one worn by out-of-work men exhorting pedestrians to "Eat at Joe's," was obviously home made. Scrawled across both sides of the board, lettered in the hand of a budding eight year old artist, was the phrase "I stole from Circle K."

After noticing it, I noticed another thing, two women, one obviously his mother, and a family friend just ... hanging around, making sure the kid served his penance. As I was in line, waiting to pay, the mother brought her son inside and, in front of all those waiting customers, introduced him to the manager and politely, yet firmly, asked him to tell her what he had stolen. When he hesitated, she told him to speak up and stood there as he found his voice, said he didn't remember the name of what he had stolen and walked over to the candy display and showed her.

I walked out then, having paid for my shit, thinking that the little boy was a lucky boy to have a mother who loved him that much, and that if there were more mothers in the world like her, I might not worry about the next generation so much. Then it hit me ... sometime in the last 15 years or so, I've turned into my dad.

There is more, but this is long enough, so I will save the rest for tonight or tomorrow. It's been a good day. Thanks for asking.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 5:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I think I got robbed! What about the wolf, dragon ... eagle for Christ's sake! All a bat is is a rat with wings. Pffft!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 12:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

You ever have one of those?

A day you wake up with the temperature hovering just below 70 degrees, truly a miracle for the month of July in the south.

The window open. Sunlight streaming through the tree outside speckles the carpet providing a natural, soft, waking light.

The smell of fresh cut grass perfumes the air on the crest of the breeze sweeping gently through the room, lifting the lace curtains only to let them fall lazily back into place again.

The full-throated cacophony of cardinals, mockingbirds, martins, sparrows and other songbirds provide the soundtrack of life as you stretch, sit up and ponder what direction your day appears to be headed.

As you make your way into the living room, the children are busy cleaning up, washing and folding laundry, loading and running the dishwasher.

The smell of fresh cut grass is replaced by carpet powder and lemon Pledge, but that's not all. The heady smell of fresh roasted coffee grounds giving up the nectar of life as water percolates through the coffee maker. You close your eyes and breathe deeply, the different smells assaulting your senses, threatening to overwhelm, but comforting all the same.

Walking now toward the kitchen, the kids smile and tell you good morning. Your paper, unopened and unread, is on the breakfast table and as you sit down a cup of coffee is placed in front of you.

Suddenly from the kitchen a sizzling hiss can be heard emanating from the area of the stove and the mouth-watering smell of bacon frying triggers an age old, primal response in your brain, bringing a smile to your face.

The eggs, three of them, over medium, grits creamy and swimming in butter, bacon crisp and meaty and toast a light, sensuous brown with a dollop of strawberry jam on each piece stare up at you from the plate.

Served with a smile, you begin to wonder who are these people and what did they do with your children?

The bowl of cantaloupe before you and the sound of your plate being scraped, rinsed and immediately placed in the dishwasher drive those thoughts out of your mind. After all, does it really matter?

You walk from the dinner table, back to the bedroom, grabbing a towel on the way and hit the shower. The hot water cascades across your face, over your shoulders and down your back relaxing tensed muscles and bringing a newness ... a freshness ... to the start of the day.

After stepping out of the shower, you notice a quiet solitude envelopes the house and your girlfriend is standing beside your bed in a gorgeous silk teddy with that "come hither" look making her literally glow.

She sent the kids to the movies and you have the house to yourself for the next several hours. The afternoon is spent fluctuating from hard, kinky, down and dirty fucking, to gentle intimate love making and back again. By the time you are done, you are literally spent.

Lying together, the last words you hear before you drift off to sleep is her, telling you she loves you more than anything else in the world and that she couldn't imagine being with anyone else anywhere else in the world.

You slumber and dream of the perfect day, in your perfect life with the perfect woman by your side and realize you are the happiest man in the world.

Have you ever had a day like that?

Yeah, me neither. Just thought I'd ask.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 2:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Oh yeah ... this is totally me! I love it!

So, whatdya think? It's the eyes ... definitely the eyes, Right? Right?

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 7:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

All these years of worry and stress and all I needed was to call THESE guys! And before you ask, yes, this is an actual e-mail I got today. I need to stop surfing porn so much.

"You guys are amazing with your delivery and customer service and your product actually DOES work. I have been married for the last 23 years and never in our marriage could we achieve the pleasure we can today. All because I am ejaculating the way I never have. My wife loves it and I love it more. Thanks for this great product. The 100% herbal WonderCum, endorsed by health care professionals, (emphasis added) needs no prescription.
It's true: more volume means more pleasure for both partners! And WonderCum is the all-natural, doctor-approved supplement to boost volume and potency to "Mind-Blowing New Levels"!

Unfortunately, he didn't leave his name. I'd like to ask his wife a few questions. *Le sigh* Maybe next time.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 11:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

So I get to work this morning and am reading my papers, getting informed on what's happening in the world when my boss comes in and asks if I'd run to the gate and turn off the marquee billboard.

We have a huge electronic billboard as you drive onto the main post that gives the time and temp and announces any major events coming up at Camp Swampy. We update it over the internet from our office. Well, for the past couple of days, there has been a problem ... it wasn't processing the updates. The solution is to turn the power off for 15 minutes and allow the internal circuits to reboot. As a man, and thereby HIGHLY qualified to turn off a light switch, the job fell to me.

I'm figuring "This is cool! I just finished my last sip of diet coke. I'll go turn the thing off and cruise to the store for a breakfast donut and a refill!" That should take about 15 minutes and I can turn the sign on and get back to the important job of reading my papers and getting ... well, you get the point.

I get there and the circuit breaker box is on a telephone pole up a slight hill off the road. Channeling Tim Taylor (played sublimely by Tim Allen in the 1980's T.V. series 'Home Improvement.' And by the way. His wife? Played by Patricia Richardson? Total MILF ... but I digress.) I climb the hill, remove the safety tag (which looks like the meter tags you find on your electric meter but is in fact more like a safety pin. Seriously! I think the only person that wouldn't be able to open it is someone who still takes their meals from mama's boobs *dreamy look*Mmmmmm ... Patricia Richardson *cough, cough* Oh sorry, where was I? Oh yeah ...) and turn off the sign. I can taste the donut already.

Continue reading "Morning excitement and government efficiency ..." »

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 9:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 8:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

You hear about the guy who had a wallet made of foreskin?

Everytime he rubs it, it turns into a briefcase.

GOD! I KILL Me! HA!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 9:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I normally try to create my own posts but I ran across this and had ... HAD to steal it. I present to you the ten worst domain names in history!

1. A site called “Who Represents” where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name - wait for it - is
www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always
www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church . Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe ? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com

Okay, I may be a thief but I do attribute. I found this here. Hope this makes you laugh as much as I did. Laters!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 8:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

President Bush and Congress have tentatively agreed on a new immigration bill that would allow ILLEGAL Immigrants amnesty with fines and a "throwback" condition where illegals would have to return to their home countries (read, Mexico) during the application process. You wanna know what happens when a country doesn't control immigration?

Just ask the American Indian.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 10:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

... and just in case you were wondering what to get me, well, I thought I'd give you some thoughts. A thought actually. Sometimes I have to dress up, you know? Narrate ceremonies where dignitaries like generals, mayors senators and all kind of important people attend. Shirt, tie, slacks, nice shoes ... the works. So a sharp dresser like me could always use a new dress shirt. Here's the one I was thinking about:

Shouldn't be that difficult right? Oh ... and here's the info on where to get it.

Need a closer look? Okay ... here you go.

Yeah ... I think that would be perfect. Thanks and here's to Father's Day. Hope yours is a happy one and remember ... buy American!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 9:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Yeah ... we're just one big, happy family!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 5:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

First off, I have had to put a small comment modification procedure into effect because of the amount of spam comments I have been receiving. Serious shit it has been about 25-40 per day lately. So, after you comment, just type TG in the box below the comment and it will post as usual. If you don't do that, it will be put in my junk folder and may take a little more time to show up. That's TG without quotes. Simple, huh? Thanks in advance for your cooperation. Now on to the "other BS"
My son is home from school today. School was canceled. "TELL US TOMMY! Was it an outbreak of food poisoning? Did the school flood? Did a sewer line bust or did they find black mold and condemn the joint?"
No friends the reason is much simpler than that. The teachers want more money so they took off to gather in the capitol to demand it. What? Don't believe me? This is from "The Daily Advertiser," a Lafayette newspaper.

BATON ROUGE - Gov. Kathleen Blanco will join members of the Louisiana Federation of Teachers in a pay raise rally on the Capitol steps today, but the teachers might find a cool welcome in the Legislature.

Schools will be closed in at least seven parishes because so many teachers and school employees have requested a day off to attend the rally, the LFT reported Tuesday. To some legislators, that shows dedication to their cause but to others, teachers should have stayed in the classroom, especially since there's universal support for raises.

The LFT said school systems in East Baton Rouge, Calcasieu, Tangipahoa, Richland, Jackson and Washington parishes will close all schools. Beauregard Parish schools will be open for teachers who aren't attending the rally, but students won't attend classes.
A delegation of support workers from St. Landry Parish is expected to join the rally.

Sen. Charles Jones, D-Monroe, whose district includes Richland Parish, said he supports the move because "it means they are committed to education. It speaks volumes about their dedication" that they are willing to take a day off to show legislators that they seriously want a raise.

"Richland is one of the parishes in the Delta where education needs are the greatest," Jones said. "A number of the teachers in the Delta are not certified teachers" because the salaries are so low that some systems can't attract certified educators.

"This is an unprecedented opportunity, from a fiscal standpoint, to help them," he said.

State Superintendent of Education Paul Pastorek takes a different view.

"While I respect every teacher's right to visit with their legislators and bring their issues to the state Capitol, I do not believe it should be done at the expense of children and instructional time," he said. "It is disconcerting to me that teachers would choose for kids to lose an entire day of school and inconvenience parents in such a way."

The governor has a proposal to grant each certified teacher and certified school employee a $2,375 pay raise and $750 pay raises to support workers.

The Louisiana Association of Educators and Associated Professional Educators of Louisiana refused to participate in the rally. Representatives for both groups said they prefer to let legislators know of their concerns about salaries and requests for raises in other ways.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 4:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Confusion, ancient Oriental wise man, once say "When blogger make no sense, randomosity is created in post." Thus is it written in The Book of Literarians, Chapter 7 verse 16.
1) Okay .. the smoking thing is going okay ... so far, but I'm sure I'll find some way to screw it up.
2) The wife moved out of the house yesterday. She was in tears and didn't even tell me goodbye. She did talk to the boys before she left. I called her to ask where she was and she told me "On my way." I said "Without even saying goodbye?" She cried more, told me she talked to the boys but she couldn't tell me goodbye. Some are surprised that I expect any civility or other normal form of non-hate filled societal behavior and feelings from her. Am I fucking nuts? Am I totally wrong?
3)Third, I wash the dishes prior to putting them in the dishwasher. I don't rinse them off, I basically wash them clean, THEN put them in the dishwasher. They come out covered in oil and grease. Does anybody know what the fuck is going on here? It looks clean on the inside, the water is not backing up, there is no insinkerator or other garbage disposal attached. I need HELP! or ideas at least.
4) If we can figure that out, then I will need help figuring out what the hell is leaking from my fridge. It isn't the overflow tray and there is no ice maker attached, but every couple of days water fills the depression under my crisper drawers and begins leaking out the corner of the fridge.
"For it is given unto those with awesome hand tools and the knowledge of how to use them to help the meek and ungainly figure out what the fuck is happening in their houses." The book of Home Depotians, Chapter 13 Verse 3-6.
Can I get a hand in the air and an "AMEN" from the Home Deposians? Brothers and sisters it has been written that "God helps those who know what the fuck they are doing and deign to share that knowledge with the infirm of mind or experience." Book of Stupidity, Chapter 19, verse 23-30. It's been written, it's been said, now how about giving a tool-less unclean village idiot a hand ... or at least idea. Praise Confusion from whom all blessings flow.
Amen
Now I'm off to chase a few women on the Island of Lesbos. I figure I'm bound to find a few bi-curious members of that stellar society. Wish me luck and remember ...

To read more words of wisdom from this venerable eastern sage, (Confusion, not Jesus) click the continue reading button.

Continue reading "Stupid Single Guy ..." »

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 10:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I gave my two sons driving lessons over the weekend. I ask you? Is it any wonder my hair is going gray?
Goddess Clairol and sister Maybelline, name thy sacrifice to return to me the thick, dark, single color, Sampson-like tresses of my youth.
God of the Airbag, give me strength and patience. Help me as I travel life's highways ... as a passenger ... with a 16 year old in control of a 3,000 pound bullet that still has several payments left on it. Don't blow up in my face at 200 miles per hour because the fruits of my loin are turning up the radio to catch My Chemical Romance's "Welcome to the Black Parade" instead of concentrating on staying as far away from telephone poles as possible.
Protect me from teen drivers who think that they can drive because they've been playing "Need for Speed Underground" on the Playstation 2 for the past six months and "outran at least a thousand cops without getting in a single wreck."
Oh, and world peace would be nice too ... and getting laid. Or at least a blowjob. Just askin' but thy will be done..
Amen

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 10:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

So I'm driving to my mom's house today to drop off a batch of guacamole I made her for her Pampered Chef party tonight and flip on the radio. My regular station is kind of hard to get on post so I'm pleasantly surprised to hear the announcer coming in loud and clear. Suddenly they give the call letters and I realize that it ISN'T my normal station but something that's just bleeding through because of atmospheric conditions.
So as I'm contemplating whether or not this disappointment is worthy of hari kari, a loud "FUCK ME!", or possible a strongly worded letter to management, a commercial comes on that I just don't know how to feel about. Half of me wants to bust a gut laughing and the other wants to frown, get that fatherly "knitted eyebrow" look and shake my finger vigorously while uttering a harsh "TSK,TSK!" You tell me how you feel.

Her: George are you speeding again? You're gonna get caught and we can't afford another ticket.
Him: Don't worry honey, I've got the new Speed-o-matic 3000* and our car is totally invisible to all forms of police radar detection devices. AND it's guaranteed. If we do get a ticket, the Speed-o-matic Company* will PAY it!
Her: Well in that case, step on it. If we don't hurry we're gonna be late!

I swear to God, I had to check twice to make sure I wasn't listening to the best of Saturday Night Live or something! I ain't making this shit up, I promise!

Next, we were driving around this weekend. Ryan took the camera and was playing around a bit. I stopped to get gas at this "friendly" little service station owned and operated by my friend Pakistani Phil. He's such a friendly guy, he put up a sign welcoming all customers to his fine establishment. The sign is about 8 feet tall and goes a little something like this:

This past Saturday, it was a boys day out, we went to CajunFest 2007 on post. Here are a couple of pics. Joshua was flipping the bird, so at his mother's request, I photoshopped it out. Ryan is just ... well, Ryan.

And finally, How'd you like to wake up with this staring you in the face?

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 11:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Well it's been a while again but you all don't really know what's been happening so I'll tell you. I was very depressed in the lead-up to the holidays so I thought I should go see the doctor about it. I did and he diagnosed me and put me on a couple of meds ... an anti depressant and a mood stabilizer. They seem to be working miracles. With the exception of a couple with the wife, I have not had a single blow up since then. I have been spending a lot of time with Ryan and we are really bonding like we haven't in a long time. We really are a lot alike. I think if I were his age, we would be best friends at school. That sounds retarded but I just get that feeling. I checked him out of school Friday to come to work with me. I ditched a little early and took him to get a haircut before his Valentine's Day dance at school. He really looks good and is pretty happy with it ... or so he says! After that we went to the pet store and were looking at ferrets and snakes and lizards ... we may get one of them (not sure which one though) when my wife moves out. Hee!
My brother Kevin was in town today. He is on his way to Shreveport to hit the casino with his girlfriend so I got to spend a couple of hours hanging out with him which was cool. Here is a picture of the Dynamic Duo.

More on Flickr if you're interested. Finally I won another first place award in the Keith L. Ware competition. I also won a third place. I was the only one in the office who won a first place award and that story will now go on to compete at Army wide level. Wish me luck. I'm gonna try and get around to all of your sites soon ... Yeah, where have you heard that before? But I promise I'm gonna try. Have a great rest of your weekend and we'll talk more later. See Ya!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 6:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (15)

Heard while watching a promo for "Ace of Cakes" on the Food Network.

Ryan: I think the guy who owns the bakery (Duff Goldman) is gay.

Dad (Me): What the hell are you talking about? He's not gay!

Joshua: Dude He's not gay ... he's Jewish!

Me and Ryan: **huh?** ... * * * ... * * * ...

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 12:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

I've been away a couple of days. Sorry. But it's been a hectic end-of the week. I don't even know where to begin so it's just gonna be a bunch of random shit spewed out. Here goes ...

Thursday

Friday

Saturday. My new shoes. Originally $69.99. I got em for $19.99. Tell me I can't accessorize! Pffft!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 2:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

It is a cold mother fucker out there tonight! As I type this, it is 36 degrees and has been raining, actually more like drizzling, ALL.FREAKING.DAY.LONG. It's been MISERABLE ... I love it! I really do love this weather. I know, maybe it's because I live in Louisiana and we so seldom get weather like this but who knows.
I don't remember if I have posted this before. I did just turn 45 after all. (Can the onset of Alzheimer's be that far off?) I have been taking a ton of pictures lately and frankly I'm too lazy to check my archives to see if I did. So if I did post it I apologize. I was cruising in the car the other day and had the camera and just started snapping off pics. I like the way this one turned out. Hope you do too. I just call it ... "Cruising":

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 7:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (22)

Day 12 finds our intrepid hero at work ... because no one bothered to call him and tell him that he didn't have to be in regular time ... but I digress. No, I don't ya know? Fuck it. I was here two hours early and I'm gonna by-God take care of my plants!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 2:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I love getting phone calls from people I care deeply about, don't you? I thought so. On a completely unrelated note, Damn I need to pluck my eyebrows, n'est pas? Kinda getting that Andy Rooney/John Madden thing going here.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 3:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

So I'm just wandering around the internet, minding my own business and who do I happen to run into? My old buddy and that perennial hottie, M.G. Here's looking at you kid!

Hey babe. Come here often?

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 8:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 11:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

I don't feel like typing and therefore I give you my dulcet tones to convey another episode in the life of our hapless hero ... Sir Thomas of Gunn, Duke of Pornia. Lights! Camera! Action!

Just press the damned button already, huh? Sheesh!

Gabcast! Blog Audio[osts #3 - NO! You're not keeping her and that's FINAL!

Dad is a tough Hombre and what he says, goes. That's it! No Arguments. Really! I'm Serious!

Love Me! Oh yeah ... and feed me!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 5:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

I apologize in advance. This post is gonna be all over the place as I am a bit scatterbrained today. It's the first HNT of the year for me. I've been playing since almost the beginning although I have taken the occasional week off. I have also been considering joining the 365 project. In case you don't know, the 365 project is where you take a picture a day of yourself for a whole year, hence the 365! It would certainly be a challenge coming up with 365 self portrait poses and angles, but I'm seriously considering it. I'll let you know.
Now to the HNT portion of tonight's program. I've always been told that the best way to start the New Year off is with a clean slate. Sounds fishy to me but I decided to give it a shot, so tonight I present me ... getting myself clean.

Aaaaaaaaaah!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 7:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (23)

Taken from letters found on a bulletin board at the Air Force recruiters office:

"I joined the Air Force to get a college degree, a well paying job and a BMW M3."

"I joined the Air Force because everyone told me it was better than the Army. I was afraid if I went to college I would have gotten corrupted by being by myself with no rules."

(and my personal favorite)

"I joined the Air Force to get out of town. My long range goal is to become a navigator then a pilot. I also joined for the free college, guaranteed job and your own place plus the "prick factor." After all, we know ladies love a man in uniform."

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 11:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Merry Christmas to all ...

Yet again the universe has a laugh at Tommy's expense ...

Dad and Ryan goofing around. Do the backward turned hats give us street cred?

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 10:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

The Cajun Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas
An' all t'ru de house
Dey don't a t'ing pass
Not even a mouse
De chirren been nezzle
Good snug on de flo'
An' Mamm pass de pepper
T'ru de crack on de do'.

Den Mama in de fireplace
Done roas' up de ham
Stir up de gumbo
An' make bake de yam.
Den out on de by-you
Dey got such a clatter
Make soun' link old Boudreau
Done fall off his ladder.

Continue reading "The Night Before ... I gua-ron-tee ..." »

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 2:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

The Cajun Twelve Days Of Christmas

On dem first day of Christmas, my true love she gave to me:
A crawfish in a fig tree.

On dem second day of Christmas, my true love she gave to me:
Two voodoo dolls
And a crawfish in a fig tree.

On dem third day of Christmas my true love she gave to me:
Three stuffed shrimp,
Two voodoo dolls,
And a crawfish in a fig tree.

** Notes: a pirogue (pronounced pee-roh) is a flat-bottomed canoe; fleur de lis is the flower of the french kings and the New Orleans Saints football symbol; cypress knees are the roots of a cypress tree that sticks out of the water; poules d'eau (pronounced pool-doh) is chicken or hen of the water (a duck); pousse café (pronounced poose kaffay) is coffee with a bit of alcohol in it; and Cajuns are the French Acadians that live in southern Louisiana.

Continue reading "12 Days, Cajun Style ..." »

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 1:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Santa? Or Satan?

Continue reading "I tried ya'll, really ..." »

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 8:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (15)

This is a Christmas decoration at the Sonic Drive in in Alexandria, Louisiana. Note the tape holding the decorations to the wall. I call it "Ghetto Deco":

So, as I sit here listening to the all-Christmas radio station on the internet, the thought crosses my mind ... "Is it so terrible to want Christmas to just ... go away?" We put the tree up finally and some outside decorations and I just don't care. No feeling whatsoever one way or the other. I also couldn't care if I get the first gift or not, although I'm sure there will be something from someone. I walk a thin line this time of year. I don't want to ruin it for the kids, one of which has his first job and is thoroughly enjoying buying presents with his own money. I also don't wanna be around the family and have to put on the happy face or risk ruining their Christmas ... it's just too much damn work. So I sit here and dream of a lovely vacation to the Island of Misfit toys where Christmas is forgotten ... if it hadn't been for that damned meddling Yukon Cornelius and his crew! Hmmm. Wonder how much Aruba is this time of year? Where do you think I should go where there isn't a chance in hell of seeing the first ornament or hearing "ho, ho, ho!"? Where would YOU go to get away from it all? But seriously, Merry Christmas to YOU. You have all made my life richer this past year and for that I wish you the best of seasons. May it be all you want it to be and I truly mean that. Peace

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 11:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

(Black and) White and Nerdy ... but that's the way he rolls!

I wrote the post this morning about Ryan and the problems with his eye and how I was a little worried about it. I have the BEST circle of friends ya'll! You responded with good wishes and good luck but one friend in particular went above and beyond. JYBiscuit wrote:

Going out back to get a goat right now. Let me know how well my ritual works. I've been working out some kinks. If your son comes home with three eyes, it's TOTALLY not my fault!

Biscuit? I'm happy to say ... the goat worked baby! YEAH! We got to the doc, filled out the bazillion pages of paperwork signifying that we were going to pay and that we were who we were and that if we didn't pay, our grand children's grandchildren would still be serving indentured servitude for daring to welsh on their extortive demands reasonable office fees. Oh and if any of you get a bill from an eye doctor in Louisiana? It's probably okay to ignore it ... maybe ... unless your grandkids plan on having grandkids ... or you have a kidney that isn't doing anything at the moment. But I digress.
They dilated his eye and sat him in a dark room. The doctor came in and threw some chicken bones in a pattern at his feet, pulled out an idol and alter, lit some incense and began chanting as the torchlight illuminated his retina and ominous drums beat in the distance. He took a cursory peek, told his assistant to go get the vial of chicken blood off his desk and the newt's eye in the file cabinet.
She got back with the supplies and he took a deeper look into his eye. (Here's where the goat comes in.) So he finishes the exam, turns around and with an evil gleam in his eye says the hole we thought might be still there was healed, but not as well as it could be. Also there is a cataract there. He mumbled some words after that in what sounded like Swahili ... or French, I'm not sure. I didn't catch it as I was mentally tallying up the worth of everything I could sell from my dogs to my wife's ovaries to pay for the impending surgery. He must have put some kind of spell on us because it sounded like he said "There's nothing that needs to be done right now. Glasses won't correct it and his good eye sees 20/20 so there's no need. If problems develop, come back in. If not, I'll want to see him in two years to look at it again."
"- - - W.T.F. did he say?" I asked my wife, who simply growled, shook her head and wisely headed for the door.
We got out to the desk, received an appointment for Dec. 8 2008 at 10 a.m. and were ushered out the side door as the next victim patient took their place in the assembly line. THEY DIDN'T EVEN TAKE A COPAY! I'm scared ya'll!
So Biscuit? I looks like the goat worked ... but every since the eye exam, my son has been looking at me funny ... like he's hungry ... and he barks and mutters to himself. Something about "third wave of the apocalypse" and "Zuel the unconquerable." Heh! Crazy teenagers and their crazy talk! Oh, and does anyone know how to get chicken blood out of blue jeans? I think I got a little too close to the altar. Damn!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 2:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Stole this from Lime who whipped it out when she had nothing so I figured I could use it too. Ain't I original?
Here's the deal. These are her instructions and if they are good enough for Lime, they are good enough for me!
Without further ado, Heeeeeeeeere's LIME to explain the rules: "**ahem** Now I am not about humiliating my faithful readers so I am putting a twist on it. If you want to answer the questions honestly feel free, but I am instead going to encourage you to answer them in the crazy way I would normally do a meme. In lieu of that, just get weird on me and make crap up. Entertain me, folks. I'm not gonna ask you to answer all of them if you don't want but I would like you to answer as many as you can."
Thank You LIME! Well, it works for me. Work for you? Good. Then get to work! I need to be entertained! Happy Tuesday!

1. My name:
2. Where did we meet:
3. Take a stab at my middle name:
4. How long have you known me:
5. When is the last time that we spoke/chatted:

6. Do I drink:
7. What was your first impression of upon meeting me/seeing me:
8. What's one of my favorite things to do:
9. Am I funny:
10. What's my favorite type of music:

11. Can I sing:
12. What is the best feature about me:
13. Am I shy or outgoing:
14. Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules:
15. Do I have any special talents:

16. I'm hot? Am I not? Go ahead, you can say:
17. What is my favorite food:
18. Have you ever talked about me behind my back:
19. Am I dating anyone:
20. If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be:

21. What's your favorite memory of me:
22. Who do I like right now:
23. What is my worst habit:
24. If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what is the one thing I would bring:
25. Are we friends:

26. What is something fun you remember us doing together:
27. Do I believe in God:
28. Am I family oriented:
29. Do I have children:
30. Do I have siblings:

31. Am I successful:
32. what's my favorite movie:
33. Who is my best friend:
34. What kind of car do I drive:

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 11:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Testing the system

This is a test of the Emergency Tommycast system. Thanks Chris! If it works let me know, if you have problems with it let me know, if it's the stupidest thing you've ever heard? Keep that to yourself. Okay? Okay! Bu-bye!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 7:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

All I'm asking is ... if you have to wash the dishes BEFORE putting them in the dishwasher, what's the fucking point? Can somebody please explain that to me?

Edit: I understand what you guys are saying about rinsing. I didn't make myself clear. I either have to wash them (more than a rinse but without soap) before I put them in, or end up washing them AGAIN when they come out. Half of them are spotless the other half look like they haven't been touched. It baffles me.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 8:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

The reason I am here after saying what I said in the last post is because I was tagged by Tequila girl. Here's the deal:
This is how it works: Each player of this game starts with the "6 weird things about you". In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. People who get tagged need to write a blog post of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says “you are tagged" in their comments and tell them to read your blog.Here goes my 6: (in no specific order)

1. Whenever the Tampa Bay Buccaneers play I have a routine I go through in order to get ready to watch the game. I lay out a Buccaneers T-shirt and my Jersey on the bed, put on the T-shirt and rub the logo, Put on the jersey, touch the logo and all the patches and then put my Buccaneers "Mardi Gras" logo necklace on. All throughout the game, I rub the necklace for luck. In the past 20 years it has worked once.
2. I used to lay in bed on Sundays and read the paper, every word, from front to back as I ate my breakfast and watched "This week with George Stephanopoulis," "Meet the Press" and "Fox News Sunday." Then I'd turn it over to Fox's NFL Sunday show while dressing for the game.
3. I'm happier in the kitchen cooking than anywhere else and doing anything else in my life with the exception of photography. Even though I only eat one meal a day most days, I could cook for armies. Also, even though I am a damned good cook, I rarely eat my own product. I just like getting lost in the processes of cooking and shooting pics. It calms me somehow and makes the rest of the world disappear while I'm doing it.
4. I have a huge DirectTV package including HBO and Stars. I also have extended basic cable but my TV very rarely leaves the Food Network.
5. I would rather be off by myself than with other people. I don't enjoy company or being around others much and have more online friends than I have in real life. If I didn't have to celebrate the holidays and be around cheerful happy people ever again? I'd be a very happy man. I know others think that is not healthy, but fuck it ... it works for me.
6. During the holidays I could survive on Ritz crackers stacked with sliced cheese, bread and butter pickle chunks and smoked oysters with black and green olives on the side ... oh and cream cheese with pepper jelly too. Yum.
Not tagging anyone. Tag yourselves if you want ... or not ... whatever.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 11:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Me love you long time!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 8:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (14)

Man, I tell you what, it has been a hell of a day. It started about two o'clock in the morning as I was trying to put in a spam blocker to eliminate the nine gazillion spam comments on old posts. I installed it and it just wasn't working right. So I uninstalled it and cleaned up my mess. The son of a bitch STILL wasn't working right! Well, Brilliant mind and hot shot computer guru that I am, I figure "Tommy, why don't you just install the update to your publishing platform and that should overwrite any corrupt file that's fucking with your system." Sounds like a plan, right? Shit! Have you forgotten?
You're talking about Sir Thomas of Gunn, Grand Duke of the Land of Pornia here, you know the guy with the luck of someone who spends his life in a room full of black cats, walking under ladders and stepping on cracks just so he can break a thousand mirrors or so! You know, the guy that could fuck up a wet dream just by entering the room? Yeah that guy! (Okay it wasn't quite that bad, but almost.)
So I start the upgrade but instead of doing it the easy way, I did it in the most convoluted, bass ackwards way I could come up with. I get done installing it and realize I might have fucked part of it up and there is a better and easier way it could have been done. Luckily, the same guy with the bad luck also has the patience of Job and the tenacity of a pit bull on a bender when it comes to computer problems. (And it doesn't hurt that he's also a hopeless insomniac!) Bravely, our handsome (and well endowed) Duke sallies forth into the belly of the beast armed only with a fairly reliable FTP client and his wits. What's that you say? Oh, yes, our hero went into battle half armed. (Har de fucking har har. No! I've never heard THAT one before ... fucking asshat ... off with his head!)
About five o' the clock in the early morning hours, the soon-to-be-former Dutchess of Pornia sashays from the refrigerator, formerly known as the love nest, into the throne room looking for her coffee. Her highness is startled at the sight of a nude, wild eyed Duke muttering slurred profanities and hurling threats at his faithful companion, Sir Hewlett of Packard, Earl of Laptop. "Forsooth!" says the Dutchess, her dulcet tones echoing off the ceiling and scaring a pack of vultures gathering on the portico in anticipation of the Duke's imminent demise. Her ladyship continued, showing tender concern for the health of her liege and partner of 21 years. "Is you outta yo muther fucking mind? Don't you know you gotta be to work in about two fucking hours? Fucking moron! You been smoking that dragon crack again fucktard?"

Continue reading "What a freaking day ..." »

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 5:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

My sister lives in Houston. She loves my kids so when they called her a couple of months ago and asked if she could get tickets to the All American Rejects concert, she agreed. She came down for Thanksgiving and took them back with her Friday just in time to make the concert Friday night.
They went to the concert and apparently had a blast. They got back today with cups, programs, jackets ... and a left shoe. That's right ... I said a (single) left-hand, cocoa brown, white and cream colored shoe that they didn't leave with and didn't belong to them until Friday night.

Hey! It's somebody's brand new Nike tennis shoe!

*sniff* I'm so proud!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 6:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Wow ... is my face red! I predicted for HNT that McNeese State would beat the Montana Griz in the first round of the Division 1 college football playoffs. I did my HNT in support of my alma mater but apparently they don't think I'm the least bit sexy because they went to Montana and promptly got their asses handed to them on a plate.
The final score was 31-6 with McNeese's only scores coming as a result of a pair of first half field goals. There was one bit of excitement during the game ... a Griz receiver went out for a pass and when he came down, put his hand down to break his fall. His forearm snapped in half a la Joe Theisman's leg. It was horrific! The young man was able to get up and walk off the field after his arm was immobilized so that's good news but DAYUMN! That had to hurt. So Os, Moose, Rachel and all the rest of the Montana Mafia, congratulations. The best team truly won and I wish you luck as you progress toward the championship. Just wait until next year though.
You know I couldn't go without posting a few more pics either didn't ya? If you are getting tired of them just say so and I'll listen and do it anyway. My smart assed son was bragging that triptophan only affected old people on Thanksgiving. He was under the impression that young people had more energy and therefore were less succeptible to the siren song of the after dinner nap.

Zzzzzzzzzzz! Snoorrrk!

Forest reflected in glass

Blair Witch Tommy says "I see dead people!"

Gear sprocket with chain

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 8:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 10:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Alright, enough with the wah-wah shit. I told you I subscribe to bloglines. (You should really check it out) Not only can you subscribe to feeds of your favorite blogs (like mine for instance) but they have a shit pile of other sites that you can subscribe to. I subscribe to Darkgate Comic Slurper. It is a site that has about a bazillion comics listed. You can choose as many comics from the list as you want and they will gather all of them daily and deliver them to one spot for easy perusal. It's fucking awesome ya'll! There are a lot of comics I have never heard of and even some adult comics. So I picked out a few that sounded cool to me just to see what they are all about. I think I hit the jackpot. Check this one out:

HAHAHAHAHA! I love it!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 7:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

First off, I had to work today. Really? That's not a bad thing. I had to take a few pictures and do a couple of segments for T.V. Easy money.
I wanted to be at work by about 10:30 a.m. My youngest son, who is spending the night with grandma (and knows when I want to leave), has gone to breakfast with his GF. She conveniently doesn't answer her phone or check her messages as we are trying to get hold of him. Parents are getting more pissed as time rolls on.
They drag their asses back into the house about 11. Between the pissiness and all, we get loaded up and on the road. I'm talking to him, or trying to, about what's going on at the house, reassuring him that even though his mom and I may get pissy at each other, we shouldn't take it out on them. Apologizing for doing so. He's having a tough time with the divorce and the uncertainty I think. As were talking, I notice he's chewing his fingernails. THEY LOOK HORRIBLE. Take a look.

All together now .. IEW!

Ok! Double IEW!

Continue reading "Kids, the F-bomb, apathy and the camera ..." »

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 9:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

So I'm covering a story on a unit going through urban training today. These guys and gals are having to move from a start point to a two story building with a basement. They have to move like they are in combat ... you know, stealthy. When they get to the building they come under fire and their task is to then enter the building, kill the bad guys without getting killed and rescue any civilians or hostages they find inside.
They use a laser tag type setup to do this safely. Spread throughout the building, there are live opposing forces with guns and mannequins. The dummies have been dressed up, some as terrorists and some as civilians. They have also been equipped with these laser sensors. That lets Soldiers know if they screw up and kill a friendly target. Hey better to learn and practice here than in a real live situation, right? Now keep in mind. It's Soldiers that set the dummies up and wire them to work. Here's one of the dummies that was in the building the squad I was embedded with had to clear.

FUCK YOU G.I. Allah Akbar!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 2:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Shhhhhhh! Man at Work.

So I got this important training this afternoon from 1-4 p.m. It's very important and I have been practicing all night to be able to pay attention properly. Wish me luck and don't do anything I wouldn't while I'm gone. Hey! Your tax dollars at work!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 11:54 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

I was surfing the other day and came to Lee Ann's blog and she had this post up about taking pictures or telling about 4 things that are in your office. Being a lazy whore and a thief, I immediately appropriated it for my own nefarious usage. So four things that are in my office ... the Photo Journey:

The freaking coffee station that I never use

Just a few of my statues and figurines junking up the place.

This is my little Italian Chef Clock

A few more figurines and my extensive candle collection (Yeah, so I'm a girl. shaddup!)

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 3:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

Yes, I do smoke ... but only until natural lubrication takes over. Just sayin.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 11:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

My favorite comic strip!

Internet, meet my book stack. Book stack meet the internet!

Goodnight all!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 7:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Found on another (to remain nameless) random blog. I know (or am at least 99% sure) this person doesn't read me so I stole this and had to post it. I just thought it was funny as hell and made me feel really old. If she does happen to end up reading this ... you should know I'm not making fun of you, just feeling the creak of age in my bones.

We had a pretty busy day and when we got home I was soooo tired. I swear to god, I may only be 23 years old, but I feel like I am in my mid 30s sometimes. I was in bed at 9:30 last night and sleeping by 10:30. Shouldn't I at least be up late drinking or out somewhere?!?! Oh well.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 11:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (13)

Your Blogging Type is Kind and Harmonious

You're an approachable blogger who tends to have many online friends. People new to your blogging circle know they can count on you for support. You tend to mediate fighting and drama. You set a cooperative tone. You have a great eye for design - and your blog tends to be the best looking on the block!

Stolen shamelessly from Addict

Sunlight through the back stairs

Sunset over English Bayou

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 8:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

See what he did to me?

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 11:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (14)

EDIT: I tried to post this yesterday but had a major meltdown with my FTP client. So a day late and a dollar short ... here you go.

Alas Poor Yorick ...

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 9:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

**ahem** I got two words for ya. Ready? Here goes ...

Joe Muggs' Raspberry Mocha coffee with whipped cream is the nectar of the Gods. In fact three out of four higher level deities gave it a rousing thumbs up. "You should have at least two cups a day," said Apollo. Aphrodite concurred. "Girls, this is the accessory you just can't afford to be without." Jesus and Allah were too busy debating the relative merits of whipped cream to pause and give a quote, but both certainly agreed that "This stuff is the shiznit! 'Fo shizzle!" Available inside a Books a Million near you.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 11:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (15)

I have been spending a lot of time lately cooking deserts. Today I made a mandarin orange cheesecake and some homemade peanut brittle. Here is the cheesecake I made.
The first thing you need to do is gather the ingredients and get your mixer ready.

Now you don't have to have a Kitchenaid mixer to do your cooking, but I think it's the best investment I've ever made for my kitchen and wouldn't give mine up for the world. A hand mixer works just fine or you could do it the real lo-tech way and mix the batter by hand. Ingredients include graham cracker crumbs, butter, flour, cream cheese, sour cream, 1 egg and vanilla extract.

Continue reading "It's cheesecake time!" »

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 7:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (16)

Continue reading "A.D.D. is a terrible thing ..." »

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 2:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

Continue reading "Where everybody knows your name ..." »

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 2:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

• Friday was our homecoming game. For the first time this year, the entire family went as a unit. It was a pretty good night as far as family time goes. We went to support Ray Gunn who is in the band. They were supposed to put on a good halftime show. I gotta tell you, it's a good thing the band is pretty good because the football team SUCKS ASS! We have lost every game this year ... in fact, we've only scored 17 points the whole year. We suck. So you'd figure for homecoming, they'd schedule some scrub team in to ensure they got a win, right? That's the way it normally works but not us. We scheduled a team, the Eunice Tigers to be exact, and they came in and stomped our asses 36 to zip. It was truly sad. The team and coaching staff looked like they wished they were anywhere else ... no emotion, just ... resignation. Oh well, there's always next year I suppose. A funny thing I noticed though. When they introduced the homecoming court and told the girl's favorite pastimes, there was the normal shit like "I like to text and hang out wth my friends. I like Myspace." But the funniest thing I heard was that all of them, every last one of them, listed (drumroll please ...) hunting as a favorite thing to do. Hunting ... with guns ... and small animals. I guess I have a confession to make. My name is Tommy. I am a redneck and I live in Hickville, U.S.A. Thanks for noticing. Oh and they took so much time on the homecoming court that the band didn't even get to perform their show. PISSED. ME. OFF. Here's a picture of Ray Gunn in his uniform anyway.
  





• Overheard in my great aunt's living room as we were watching a TV commercial for new TVs: Him: "Well look at the picture on that one. It's much better than ours." Her:"I think you're right! It does look better."
• I've been taking a web design class and a CSS class on the web lately and am really learning a lot. I have been tinkering with my template, just doing some minor things. I have found out that "website coding time" is the same as "darkroom time." I look up and it's freaking 3 in the morning and I have no idea how it got to be that late. Psycho, huh? Just to let you know, my links are no longer underlined but they will be italicized so if you see italics, chances are it's a link. They are also red which might be a dead giveaway. I'm not sure.
  I am wanting to put drop-down link boxes for my blogroll, archives and other sidebar stuff that could get long. If anyone can help me with the code for that, I would certainly appreciate it. Hell, there might even be sexual favors in it for ya! Riiiiiiiight! E-mail me please if you can help and I will forever be in your debt. Thanks.
• The Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the New Orleans Saints both won today so there is joy in the Gunn household tonight. And speaking of joy ...
• It's cool, drizzly and overcast and I have a huge pot of homemade chicken and choriso gumbo (made from scratch ... not out of a box or bag) on the stove. I'm about to tuck into it with great gusto and relish. Oh and did I mention I have a homemade lemon cheesecake (from scratch again) for desert with peanut brittle ice cream? Friends I tell you, life rarely gets better than this. Have a great Sunday and get some sleep tonight. I have it on good authority that some of you actually have to work tomorrow. Pffft! The nerve of some bosses. Well, I'll be thinking of you. Ciao dahlings!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 4:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Clicky, Click to embiggen.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 7:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

This photo was taken on March 29 of this year:

Who is that fat mother fucker in the top shot? I know you probably get tired of hearing about it, but it fucking amazes me how much weight I've lost. Sorry if I keep harping on it but I really can't believe it. Truth be told, I'm gonna ask the doc if there might be something external causing it or if it's just the stress of my life right now. I'm starting to wonder a little. Okay, I'm done now. Have a good weekend. I'm gonna go get some ice cream.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 9:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Blue October
Hate Me

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 8:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (14)

Yep. It's official ... I'm a psycho! Don't believe me? Read on McDuff.

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have high conscientiousness. Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life. Most things in your life are organized and planned well. But you borderline on being a total perfectionist. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness. You're generally a friendly and trusting person. But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism. You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have high neuroticism. It's easy for you to feel shaken, worried, or depressed. You often worry, and your worries prevent you from living life fully. You tend to be emotionally reactive and moody. Your either flying very high or feeling very low. Editor's Note: I think this means "Red Flag Ladies! Take heed and take cover" Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

Nuff said!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 5:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

with Willie No More. In case you haven't heard, the quintessential poster boy for cannabis usage until death got busted today on I-10 near Breaux Bridge, LA.

FROM THE ASSOCIATED PRESS LAFAYETTE, Louisiana (AP) -- Willie Nelson and four others were issued misdemeanor citations for possession of narcotic mushrooms and marijuana after a traffic stop Monday morning on a Louisiana highway, state police said. The citations were issued after a commercial vehicle inspection of the country music star's tour bus, state police said in a news release. "When the door was opened and the trooper began to speak to the driver, he smelled the strong odor of marijuana," the news release said. A search of the bus produced 11/2 pounds of marijuana and 0.2 pounds of narcotic mushrooms, according to state police. A call to Nelson's publicist wasn't immediately returned. Also cited were Tony Sizemore, 59, of St. Cloud, Florida; Bobbie Nelson, 75, of Briarcliff, Texas; Gates Moore, 54, of Austin, Texas; and David Anderson, 50, of Dallas, Texas. Each was released after being issued a citation. Nelson, 73, has recorded songs including "On the Road Again" and "City of New Orleans."

So in honor of my hero being given a slap on the wrist when I would have ended up UNDER the jail, I present you Toby Keith's "Weed With Willie." Pass that fucker baby!

I always heard that his herb was top shelf Lord I just could not wait to find out for myself. Well don't knock it till you've tried it. And I've tried it my friend. I'll never smoke Weed with willie again!

Now we learned a hard lesson in a small Texas town
He fired up a fat boy and he passed it around
The last words I spoke before they tucked me in
I may discount Bungee jump but,
I'll never smoke weed with Willie again.

[Chorus:]
I'll never smoke weed with Willie again
My party's all over before it begins
You can pour me some Old Whiskey River my friend.
But I'll never smoke weed with Willie again

We hopped on his old bus the Honeysuckel Rose
The party was Huntsville, it was after the show
Alone in the front lounge, just me and him
I took one friendly puff and the grim creeper set in

[Chorus]

Now we're passin' the guitar, we're tellin' good jokes
I can tell one's a comin' 'cause I'm smellin' smoke
No I do not partake I just let it pass by
With a grin on my face and a great contact high

[Chorus]

In the fetal position with drool on my chin
We broke down and smoked weed with Willie again

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 9:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

I was surfing a bit to day and came across this site for the crafter wanting to take their game to a whole new level. Guys and gals? Lets get out those glue guns and crafting tools and get to work! Happy Weekend all!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 11:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

I work on an Army post in west central Louisiana (just try and figure out which one, I dare you!). Every afternoon when I get off work, I stop by this convenience store right outside the gate and pick up a liter of Diet Dr. Pepper and a cup of ice for the trip home. (Liters of Coke products are currently on sale for $1.07 INCLUDING TAX. I also have my own cup so the ice is free and hey, that's just the way Tommy rolls) So i'm leaving work at 2:45 p.m. this afternoon (your tax dollars at work America) and stop by my store to get my drink when what should assail my eyes? This:

Now maybe you're scratching your head and saying to yourself "So what Tommy. What's so strange about that? Everybody knows the price of gas is high. Get over it." and you would be right ... almost. You see, when I drive home (it's about a 25 minute drive so say 30 miles?) I pass another gas station and what to my wondering eyes should appear? (like the way I tied this post to my holiday post below? You should read it. It's good shit) THIS:

Twenty-eight cents difference? I mean WTF? Within 30 miles of each other? I will never understand this shit so if there are any petrochemical engineers out there that can explain this business model to me, I would certainly appreciate it. I am pro big-business but dayumn! Gimme a freaking break! Add to that the fact that I was in Texas this past weekend and filled up at the cellar-scraping price of $2.46 per gallon ... all weekend long. And also, does anyone besides me find it fascinating that we have all come to regard these prices as the norm now? I'm gonna protest somehow. I don't know how yet, but damnit ... In the words of Jeff Lebowski, "This aggression will not stand, man!" [/rant]
On another note, after being near the big metropolis of DFW this weekend I have come to the conclusion that there is a decided lack of choice when it comes to radio stations in my area. I have recently dusted off the cassette player in my car and am using it to listen to audiobooks to and from work. I have "read" Anita Diamant's The Red Tent, Margaret Atwood's The Blind Assassin and am currently listening to Stephen King and Peter Straub's The Talisman. I got the book back in 1984 I believe when it first came out and have read and re-read it many times. I have NOT read it lately and I am reminded daily of how good a book it really is. I highly recommend it if you are looking for something you haven't read before. Just sayin.
Oh and as far as the gratuitous pic goes, I passed this new place right outside the main gate as well and it reminded me of a friend.

No One? I didn't know you cooked Chinese! Got any discount programs for a dear friend? And most importantly, do you deliver? Hope ya'll have a great weekend. Ta-ta!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 4:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

So I quit drinking coming up on three months ago and things have een wondreful. I'm losing weight, my emotions and my personality is conming under control and life is pretty good. There ws one problem ... I used to drink myself to sleep and since the aclohol has left the building, the insomnia moved toght in. I mean shit! What's a fat assed drunk to do? Talk to an expert of course. So I bring it up to Dr. Feelgood and he prescribes me a sleeping pill. It works ... kinda. It puts me to sleep but it doesn't really keep me there all night. I'm getting up a t 3 in the fucking morning, every morning and can't get back to sleep! This shit sucks! So I do a little research. i hear through the blogger grapevine that a certain member of the royal family (Don't tell anybody but it's the Queen of Ass. SHHHHHH! It's a secret ... unless you read her blog.) has a sure fire way of getting to sleep. Being a member of the ryal family ... ok I'm actually the court jester ... alright I saw her once on the parapet of the castle seconds before a guard threw me to the ground and stepped on my neck, nicely showing me the proper way to render honor to her majesty. Well, I figured since we shared so much together in common ( I mean she has eunichs that surround her everyday satisfying her every wanton need and I am impotent and surround myself everyday to fulfill those same needs) that i would ask her advice.
"Who the fuck do I look like? Dear Abby? Doctor Doolittle? And who the fuck are you little man?" her dulcet tones inquired sweetly. "Off with the impotent bastards heads! ... but put him in a tux first. See if he's gonna be impotent, he oughta look impotant!" That brought the throne room to it's knees, which is her preferred place for them. At least that's what they say in the vomitorium.
So as the royal guard was dragging me away, she hollered out "He wanted me to tell him about the fucking Ambien! What a fucking tool! Cheesecake! GET ME MY FUCKING CHEESECAKE ASSHOLES ... AND WINE!" I knew it was a secret message meant for my ears only and said thanks to the godess for her help.I'll have to name my next born after her ... Ball Buster Gunn ... has a certain je ne se quas to it don'tcha think?(pssst: what does gen ner se kwa mean?" But I digress.) After they got done with my head, I found myself in Doctor Feelgood's office again where I asked for, nay demanded the magic elixer to help me sleep.After cajoling, whining, crying and finally taking over repayment of his student loans, he relented.
See folks (peasants) the queen really is the shiznit. She knew what she spoke of. That shit (Ambien) is better thaan a blow job from a syphillitic cow. (Hey, we live in the country. We don't even have a starbucks for Jason's sake!) So the Duke of Pornia has joned our queen on the Ambien express and theings are once again snoring along in the Dutchy. There are a couple of drawbacks however. The shit works fast so if I'm in the middle of a conversation and my next reply looks like "aihijna yqy ppoiu euryw8q347 htigh IJG PIj" It's time to go to bed. Hallucinations are also a possibility although they haven't manifested in my caseyet. On Ambien you tend to forget shit too. I call it ambien amnesia and don't let that snooty, large breasted, tight assed, beautifu ... what the fuck was my point? Oh yeah don't let her tell you otherwise. So If I call you a "dung filled dunderhead that would rtather stick their 'sword' into a fence post than face the hippo of a wife that's waiting back home for you with banans and chocolate syrup (not for eating mind you)." It's the ambien speaking. Honest. Outta my control. If however I am brilliant and snarky and funny and and make you laugh uncontrollably (and really? When do I not?) that is all on me.Oh and if you see the occasional bruise on me, it means I got up in the middle of the night and slid along the wall to my future ex-wifes closet, enconced myself inside and took a dump in her prada shoes. As you can see, I have taken the magic pill tonight and am ready to dust the wall on my way to bed. Hope the mother fucker moved those shoes ... the points were a pain when I had to wipe. Good nighsnrkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 10:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Me: "So God, I got a problem."
God: "Yeah, so what else is new? You always have a problem."
Me: "No really! You got time to answer a few questions?"
God: "I guess. Sit down. Want something to drink? Simon Peter mixes one HELL of a White Russian."
Me: "No that's okay. I quit drinking remember? I could use an ashtray though if you got one."
God: "You're shitting me! You quit drinking? Who gave you the will power for that? Certainly wasn't me!"
Me: "Yeah I know. I been meaning to talk to you about that. Thanks for nuttin!"
God: "Hey! I'm a busy diety. You think I got all day to worry about you and your petty assed problems? You know, maybe ... and I mean maybe ... at one time I could have. But today? There's just too many of you assholes out there to keep track of. I'd have to bring in extra help and do you know what a union would do to this place? Shit. It just ain't worth it!"
Me: "I thought you knew it everytime a sparrow fell from the sky? I thought you were all knowing, all seeing ... omnipotent. I mean WTF dude?"
God: "Advertising, man! I'm telling you it pays off big time. Don't believe me? Ask Bill Gates. Windows my ass. Give me a Mac anyday."
Me: "So all that stuff that was written in the Bible is BS? That doesn't seem right."
God: "No it's not BS. There are a lot of good things in there. Song of Solomon, for example. Have you read it? That stuff is HOT! But you know, you leave stuff up to a committee and things come out not quite like they were intended. I'm just too busy to go back and correct it now. Once it's in print, things just kind of take on a life of their own. It's the old 'genie out of the bottle' problem. If you went to business school instead of getting that Mass Communications degree, you'd know what I meant. But I'm busy, you said something about a problem?"
Me: "Oh yeah, sorry. Look, I heard a news report the other day that the Catholic church came out against a new way of harvesting stem cells even though it didn't involve the destruction of embryo's. Was that your doing? Cuz I know a lot of people that could use that. Sick people, infertile people ... people with real problems! I mean, what's wrong with you? Don't you give a crap?"
God: **sighs** "Tommy, You know, I was kicking around a long time ago and things were pretty good. I could go where I wanted, do what I wanted without answering to anybody. But I got a little lonely so I made you guys. I was young, dumb and full of ... well you know. My point is I gave you knowledge, free will, a great way to procreate ... I gave you all the keys to the kingdom man! After watching you guys for a few thousand years, I got tired and took a vacation. I come back and what's happened? You have taken my manual and blown it all out of proportion. Some take it absolutely literally, some ignore it, and you know? That's okay! It's all good. That's the free will part of it you see. But what really pisses me off is when people start proclaiming things I didn't authorize in my name. Or telling others how they should live their lives because I want it that way. If I didn't want you to have that knowledge and use it, I could stop it today. I mean, for Christ's sake ... I made you guys, I flooded the fucking world. You think I couldn't smudge that petrie dish if I wanted to?"
Jesus: "You called daddy?"
God: "No I'm sorry son ... I just got a little angry there. You finished mowing the lawn?"
Jesus: "Um, not yet. I was waiting for it to get a little cooler to finish."
God: "COOLER! Jesus Christ! It's heaven out there. Get your ass on that lawn or you ain't going to the movies Friday night!"
Jesus: "Whatever!"
God: "Kids .... pffft. What you gonna do with them these days. Now where were we?"
Me: "We were talking about knowledge ..."
God: "Oh yeah. Look, the bottom line is that I'm still here but I have a lot of stuff on my plate. I take the occasional glance at what's going on down there. I get reports all the time but you know? You guys could do a lot more for yourselves if you'd just have a little faith in the tools I gave you. Your brains for one thing and your concience ... your sense of what's right and wrong. It cracks me up to see how you guys molly coddle murderers and rapists. I'd have fried them a lot quicker than you do, but that's just me. And what was that whole Martha Stewart thing about? Talk about overkill!"
Me: "So we're just supposed to muddle by? Doing what we think is right without any guidance from you and just hope everything works out? Thanks for nothing! That's really helpful!"
God: "Look, I have it on good authority that devine intervention is HIGHLY overrated. But just because My hand doesn't reach out of the clouds to point out the right exit on the map doesn't mean I don't care. I gave you the map for Chr ..., er, My sake. You got the tools boy, Open your freaking eyes and use what I gave you. You know sometimes your whiney asses really piss me off!"
Me: "Wow, sorry God. I never really thought about it that way before. So it's okay to use what you gave us and it'll work out? I mean there are some really fucked up people in this world."
God: "I never promised you it would all work out the way you want it to. People are still gonna make bad decisions ... I mean look at Hitler. I had to mobilize just about the entire world to stop that whack job, but it was YOU people that actually did the hard work. Because you knew he was wrong and took a stand. All I'm saying is listen to your heart and use your brains. I put what you need in there, you just gotta shut up and listen to what they are telling you. Don't be selfish. Think about others now and again. Most importantly though, you should live like there's no tomorrow. That's what I want for you. Trust me. If things get too far out of hand, I still know how to lay a nasty assed smack-down on ya'll."
Me: "Ya'll? You from Texas?"
God: "They don't call it My country for nothing boy. Just remember that. Anything else?"
Me: "Yeah. I don't suppose you could give me Wednesday's ..."
God: "Fuggetaboutit. You're just gonna have to trust in the quick pick computer like I do. Now go ... and don't forget, just like He-man, you have the power. Don't be afraid to use it. Stop by again sometime, maybe I'll throw some shrimp on the que and we'll split a pitcher of Margaritas ... oh wait. You don't drink. I'll have a Diet Coke for you then. Just remember, I brought you into this world and I can take you out."
Me: "God? Thanks. I appreciate that. You're not at all what I expected you to be like."
God: "Now that's the first inteligent thing you've said all day!"

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 3:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (15)

Tommy Gunn is really ...
Spider-Man
No shit! Really!
Spider-Man, you are intelligent, witty,
a bit geeky and have great
power and responsibility. You are also hung like a horse and your sexual prowess (read: staying power) is legendary down at Justice League Headquarters ... especially with Supergirl and Batgirl. (Hey, blame the quiz. I don't make this shit up!)

So what superhero are you? Some pussy like Plastic Man or Captain Caveman I bet. Don't believe me? Find out here.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 12:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (14)

The lovely and talented Tish has tagged me. Apparently I am supposed to come up with five things that are weird about me. Tish, I gotta tell you, it would have been much easier if you had asked me the five things that are normal about me but I'm always up for a challenge sooooooo ... here goes.
1. I would rather spend time in the kitchen than just about anywhere else in the world. I LOVE TO COOK Ya'll. The weird thing is, I can't cook in a dirty kitchen. It has to be spotless before I even break down the first veggie. I mean no dishes in the sink, stovetop cleaned, counters disinfected, etc. Not that I'm a germophobe or anything but I just like a neat work area.
2. I can roast garlic (cut whole head in half, lather with good olive oil, salt and pepper, wrap in tinfoil and stick on rack in oven for 20-25 minutes @350 degrees.) Well what's so weird about that? I see the puzzled look on your face as you ask yourself that question. What's weird is that as soon as it cools down, I grab a fork and eat it for a snack! Mmmmmm. Nectar of the Gods, ya'll. Oh and I also eat pickled garlic cloves like candy. No vampires getting near Mrs Gunn's number one son ... or mosquitos either and in Louisiana, that's a good thing!
3. I love to take a woman shopping. Not grocery shopping. No, that would be too simple. I like to take a woman clothes shopping. I love picking out outfits for the women in my life and damn it! I'm good. Oh I also accessorize like a mother fucker ladies. Although you couldn't tell by my personal wardrobe which consists mainly of shorts, t-shirts, flip flops, jeans tennis shoes, athletic jerseys and baseball caps. Go figure. Oh and don't even take me NEAR Bed, Bath and Beyond. I'll have an orgasm and we'll be there for hours. Ditto art stores, book stores and hardware stores.
4. I am politically astute and, as a former news producer, used to be consumed by the news. Two papers per day, all the news shows, political shows and Sunday morning talk shows. My perfect Sunday morning used to be three eggs, grits, bacon and toast; paper in my lap; sitting in bed and watching Goerge Stephanopolus' 'This Week', Tim Russert's 'Meet the Press' and Chris Wallace's 'Fox News Sunday.' Thank God for TiVO! Now though? I still know what's going on in the world but these days, I'd rather read a good book than watch TV or read the paper.
5. Languages have always come easy to me. I travelled the world with my dad (in the military, not on an Onassis style yacht ya'll. Gimme a freaking break.) Although WAY out of practice, I can speak passable Spanish, some Korean, very good German and a little French. I was in Paris one day and ran into a guy on the street. I wanted to ask him a question but couldn't. You see, between the two of us we knew seven languages but there wan't a single one we had in common! I laugh my ass off about that to this day.
So there you have it. Five wierd things about Tommy that you could prolly give a shit about. I'm not gonna tag anyone but if you want to pick it up feel free. Let me know in your comment and I'll stop by and check yours out (No really! I promise! WHAT! A guy disappears for a few weeks and you think he's never coming back and can't be trusted again? Pffft.) As for the other Friday shit, I am sitting at work as I do this and it will probably be the most productive thing I do all day. I might as well be at home ... cooking. OH or I could go shopping! I saw the cutest pair of shoes at this little ...

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 9:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

So you all know I am a diabetic (or if you didn't you know now!) I had my monthly checkup with Dr. Feelgood today and got some great news! My blood sugar is under such good control, he took me down a notch on one of my meds for that. My cholesterol was in the 140-150 range so that is looking spectacular. The other labs were well within OEM specs so it looks like I might live to see hockey season, which is good cuz I plan on taking in a game in October. The biggest thing to come out of my meeting with the only man that nags me more than my mother (luv ya mom ... no, really!) is the fact that I have lost 31 pounds over the past six months! WOOT! that's right a 3 in the tens column and a 1 in the ones column! I knew I had lost SOME weight, I could see it in my face during those infrequent times I picked up the razor and tried to tame the sagebrush growing on my face. I had no Idea it was that much though! Damn! (Can you tell I'm a little shocked?) Oh, and he also took me off the sleeping meds I was on and put me on the Ambien express. I guess I should probably stock up on Cheetos for those late night trips to the fridge I'll be taking and not remembering! So here he is ... the all new and improved, 50 percent fewer calories, low fat, Tommy. Coming soon to a Hockey game near you. Have a great day ya'll!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 2:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (17)

I got nuttin today ... Just been one of those weeks. So I found this meme on airplanejayne's blog. Great meme, mediocre results. Kinda like me! HEE! Anyway, hope your weekend is going well. Laters cool kats and kittens!

Your Birthdate: January 9

You are a born idealist, with more pet causes than you can count. You prefer be around others, both when working and while relaxing. Generous and giving, you believe you can change the world one person at a time. You're open minded and tolerant. People feel like they can tell you anything. Your strength: Your go-with-the-flow flexibility Your weakness: Your flair for the over dramatic Your power color: Pine green Your power symbol: Circle Your power month: September

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 6:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Birth. Or to be more precise ... rebirth!
One of the things I love about living in the country (or as some would call it "the sticks" ... right asshat?) Is the fact that at night my backyard becomes a veritable insect jungle. That might bother some folks but for a guy who loves his camera (thanks again Queenie,) almost as much as sex, it simply means there is always something to digitally document. Purely in the interest of science, of course. **AHEM** Anyway, here's just a taste of the drama that unfolded last night on my back porch.

Have I mentioned I love living in the country? Now if we only had a Books A Million with a Joe Muggs inside, I wouldn't have to move to the city! Have a great rest of your weekend ya'll.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 12:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

Susie over at Susies the Boss offered to come up with five questions for anyone that wanted to answer them. So, being the narcissistic attention whore nice guy and great friend that I am, I promptly got sucked into volunteered to be a part of her attempt to find out information she could blackmail me with great experiment. Here are her questions and my answers to them.

1. Hi Tommy! You've been through hell in a handbasket lately. Howya doing? (You may get as personal as you like, since the answers go on your blog.)
Things have been moving along. For all of you who don't know, I am going through a divorce. It is amicable for the most part but we do have our days. Things are ... moving along as smoothly as can be expected on that front so I'm good. On another front, I almost ruined a friendship that means the world to me. The process of nearly losing that friendship forced me to do some very deep soul searching. As a result of that, I have quit drinking. It was my problem with alcohol that caused all or most of the problems between me and this person and I care too much about them to let that continue. I quit for me and because it was the right thing to do, but also a little bit for her. And I'll tell you the truth ... sometimes I want a drink ... badly. I think that I could do it. Just get the beer and go home and get drunk. No one outside the house would ever know. NO ONE would find out. But the thought of losing that friendship that I care so much about knocks that fucking thought right out of my head and the desire right out of my body. You see she would know ... somehow, she would be able to tell (probably because I would feel so guilty I would tell her) and I couldn't face her knowing that. Monday the 17th is three weeks sober for me ... 21 days and I really feel good about it. The emotions are coming under contol and I'm really starting to like the person inside me. I haven't talked with him in years and we are getting reacquainted but it's working out beautifully. Yep, looks like the kid's gonna be alright. **crosses fingers** Thanks for asking.

If you're interested in reading the rest, click on the continue link below.

Continue reading "Five Questions from Susie ..." »

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 4:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

My son is growing up ya'll. Here's a conversation we had yesterday afternoon while unloading groceries from the car.
Him: "Dad, use asinine in a sentence."
Me: "Don't be asinine! It means stupid or silly ... idiotic."
Him: "No, I'd give her face a two and her ass a nine!"

He's so much like his dad. **sniff** Makes me soooooo proud! Happy Friday all!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 8:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (17)

What can I say ya'll? It's official. I have women all over the world dying to get some Tommy Love! Don't believe me? Check this out ...

Hallo. I'm a very young and energetic lady! I have very positive attitude to life and people. I do enjoy new experience life can offer me: to see new interesting places, to meet new people. I do try to enjoy every moment of life and accept everything the way it comes without complaining. Though my life seems to be quite enjoyable there's one important thing missing. It's LOVE! Without my beloved one, my soul mate, my King my life is not completed. I wish i coud find him very soon so that we could share together every momement of the life-time romance! What about you? Could you be my King? If answer is "yes" - you can find more about me http://Tommysdashiznit.com/ talk to you soon! Carolina

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 9:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

If this guy is reading the blogs I'm reading, he must be getting tips on what to do with those 72 virgins once he gets to heaven! I don't know about military secrets but if you wanna know what makes our men and women's toes curl with mind blowing sex, follow me around as I peruse the many wonders the internet has to offer.
And by the way, who in the hell wants a bunch of freaking virgins anyway? Give me 72 porn stars willing to swing from the chandelier!* Thats what I'm talking about. Well that or a select handful of scorching hot blogchicks ... whatever. You know who you are. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm on virgin 41 and need to finish my ... er, research. Have a great Monday.

Shamelessly stolen from "The Bob and Tom Show" this morning. What can I say, I just cant plagerize without attribution. That would just be wrong!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 11:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Just a couple of things I noticed today while watching the fucking Astros blow an opportunity to put another mark in the win column and drop yet another game after carrying a lead into the ninth. And to put the icing on the cake, the hapless, helpless Cubs beat the shit out of the Brewers. May not sound like much to you, but in this neck of the woods it means snotty-assed bragging rights for a 24 hour period. What's that you say? Bitter? Me? Not on your life! I hate baseball so it really doesn't matter and besides, I digress.
There is an Aquafina water commercial that is based on the classic John Belushi film "Animal House." It is the Toga Party scene and I thought it was cute. The party is going full blast but everyone is drinking Aquafina water instead of alcohol. Otis Day and the Nights are on stage singing "Shout" and the party is getting out of hand. They even recreate the classic scene where Belushi takes the guitar from Stephen Bishop ("Hey baby, I'm your handyman" circa mid 70's. He was performing in a cameo role in the film) and smashes it against the wall. The cops show up and, lo and behold! Who do you think the actors are playing the cops? None other than the actors who played Neidermayer and Greg Marmalarde in the movie! Cracked my ass UP!
Secondly, there is a commercial for some fly-by-night casino. Dennis Rodman and some hot chick. She asks him a bunch of shit and ends by rubbing his thigh. Rodman answers as he was hired to do, but IT AIN"T HIS FUCKING VOICE! They actually had to hire a voice over actor to replace his unintelligible mutterings! Sorry but I thought it was funny and a little sad actually. That was my insightful revelation for the day. What epiphany did you have?
Oh and I have a new blog I have started for writing. It is called "Prose, Poetry and Summer Sizzle" and you can find it at www.tommysdarkside.com/sizzle. Did I mention I hate baseball? Cuz I do! Laters Ya'll!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 10:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

So it's Friday. Damn sure doesn't feel like it. The days just seem to morph into one another when you have the big four day weekend.. Because of that this is just gonna be a bunch of random shit. So buckle your seatbelts and off we go. Please store any excess baggage in the overhead compartments and keep your hands and feet inside the windows. It's for your own safety, I promise.

Continue reading "Is it Friday already?" »

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Took this after seeing it on Sis B's site. Ya'll, it's a little freaky how accurate it seems to be for my life right now. Check it out.

Tommy took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Intense, vital, and animated, taking a delight in ..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 6:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Happy 4th of July everybody! Blow some shit up today and stuff your gut with watermelon (spiking is optional.) I am off to spend the day with my parents and the burgers and tubes of pig lips and hooves will be plentiful, because nothing says "independence" like making your self sick on processed animal leftovers and then playing with gunpowder! Yee-Haw! Seriously, be safe and enjoy the day and if you think about it, say thanks for the men and women from George Washington on down that have fought and died to give us the freedoms that many of us take for granted. God and Goddess bless the United States. May she forever be the symbol of freedom and hope that she is today and may her flag always fly free. Peace ya'll.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 10:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I have read a few blogs lately that talked about the joys of camping and fishing. One of the things I loved, Loved, LOVED about growing up in the country was the ability, when my mind got restless or too busy, or the hectic pace of life got to be too much to handle, to grab my shotgun and hunting vest and hit the woods. Sometimes I actually hunted. Squirrel and rabbits mostly. Or I could grab a six-pack and my fishing rod, throw the 25 horse motor in the back of the truck and hit the lake for the day. I always found those times alone with nature invigorating and refreshing. I didn't have to kill or catch anything. That wasn't the point. The point was getting somewhere quiet where I could hear myself think. Somewhere along the line, I got to busy to do those things. Life gets in the way sometimes. There is work, school, the responsibilities that come along with raising a family ... all kinds of excuses for not doing what needs to be done.
Blogging, while a therapeutic outlet, is just one more thing that I use as an excuse. I plug my laptop up at work and am IMing or checking mail or reading blogs all day. As soon as I get home, it's plugged in and I'm right back at it until midnight most nights. You guys know I have had some problems. One of them stems from an addictive personality. The funny thing about an addiction ... booze, drugs, sex, blogging, whatever ... it has a way of sneaking up on you and ruining everything good that you hold dear in your life. My wife and I are divorcing after 21 years of marriage. Suffice it to say that I am the root of that little problem. I am burning bridges all over the place and can't stand it anymore. I'm so fucking tired ya'll! Tired of putting on the fake smile when I want to put my fist through a wall, tired of seeing everything I touch turn to a giant turd in my hand, tired of hurting people I love. I'm lost and don't have a map to help me find my way out. I feel like I'm going stark raving nuts.
I've been thinking a lot about the woods lately. How peaceful and quiet they are and how I could really feel that quiet peacefullness infusing my soul. I miss that sooo fucking bad.
So I think it's time for Tommy to grab the pole and pup tent and spend a few days with himself, communing with nature. Leave the computer, work, family, cell phone and everything else behind and see if I can't find out who the fuck I am. Cuz truthfully? I thought I had it together but sometimes it feels like I'm on a collapsing bridge and I'm barely able to stay ahead of the falling planks. I don't know me anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I ever really did. Maybe it's also time to stop trying to handle this shit by myself, put my pride in my pocket and talk to someone, a professional, about this cancer that's eating me up inside.
I don't want to put ya'll through this wishy-washy bullshit anymore. I just need to get away. Pathetic, huh? Thanks for being there all those times. I love ya'll. To those of you I hurt? Mommy Gunn, my boys and someone else. How can I say I'm sorry enough. I can't, because you wouldn't believe me anyway. And that is the fucking knife that cuts a little bit more of my heart out everytime I think about it.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 3:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Sometimes you're the spider and sometimes you are the bug. Hope you get to be the spider this week ya'll!

And just because I'm in this kinda mood, I'll share with you my favorite song. It's "Bring on the Rain'" by Jo Dee Messina and Tim McGraw. I heard it again yesterday and it sent chills up my spine ... and I mean the good kind of chills. Yeah it's kind of a downer but the haunting beauty of the performance can bring me to tears every time.
edit: Now that I think about it, this song really isn't a downer, it's a song of resilience, of strength of character in the face of adversity ... a song of hope. And don't we all need a little hope these days? I know I do.

Another day has almost come and gone
Can’t imagine what else could wrong
Sometimes I’d like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war

('cause) Tomorrow’s another day
And I am not afraid
So bring on the rain
Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain.

Finally, so you don't think it's all doom and gloom ... the gratuitous shot which is a lot more representative of my mood today. You see, I have a friend and I thank the Goddess for her everyday. This is how she makes me feel.

Here's to a great week everyone. Can I get an "AMEN!" from the choir? Amen!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 12:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

OK ya'll get out the whips and chains ... I've been a bad blogger buddy and need a good, hard spanking. Go ahead **smack, smack** Thank you ma'am, may I have another? **smack, smack** Ok, thats much better.
I know I haven't been by your blogs and I am kind of ashamed of that.I used to pride myself on getting by every couple of days but lately I just haven't had the desire, interest or energy. I've been throwing myself a big assed pity-party and it's even starting to annoy ME now. So I'm done. Thanks for all your e-mails and comments (those of you I haven't run off anyway.) I may not have answered (**smack, smack**) but I read them all and they helped. Life is looking up, things are getting back to normal and I'm feeling pretty good thankyouverymuch.
Those of you who haven't done so so far, add your name to the notification list in the sidebar and I'll let you know by e-mail whenever I post. My Yahoo Instant Messenger address is also up there to. Holla if you want.
In an unrelated development, I GOT MY E-MAIL FIXED AND CAN NOW E-MAIL FROM HOME! WOOT! Hey, sometimes the little victories are the sweetest!
And now the gratuitous shot ...

Have a great weekend everybody. I'll be around soon ... I promise. Love Ya'll!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 2:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

This late breaking news just in to the Tommy News Room!
POLICE ARE WARNING:TO ALL MEN WHO FREQUENT CLUBS, PARTIES AND LOCAL PUBS BE ON ALERT AND STAY CAUTIOUS WHEN OFFERED A DRINK FROM ANY WOMAN.
MANY FEMALES USE A DATE RAPE DRUG ON THE MARKET CALLED "BEER". THE DRUG IS FOUND IN LIQUID FORM AND IS AVAILABLE ANYWHERE. IT COMES IN BOTTLES, CANS, FROM TAPS AND IN LARGE "KEGS". BEER IS USED BY FEMALE SEXUAL PREDATORS AT PARTIES AND BARS TO PERSUADE THEIR MALE VICTIMS TO GO HOME AND HAVE SEX WITH THEM.
A WOMAN NEEDS ONLY TO GET A GUY TO CONSUME A FEW UNITS OF BEER AND THEN SIMPLY ASK HIM HOME FOR NO STRINGS ATTACHED SEX. MEN ARE RENDERED HELPLESS AGAINST THIS APPROACH.
AFTER SEVERAL BEERS, MEN WILL OFTEN SUCCUMB TO THE DESIRES TO PERFORM SEXUAL ACTS ON HORRIFIC LOOKING WOMEN WHOM THEY WOULD NEVER NORMALLY BE ATTRACTED TO. AFTER DRINKING BEER, MEN OFTEN AWAKEN WITH ONLY HAZY MEMORIES OF EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM THE NIGHT BEFORE, OFTEN WITH JUST A VAGUE FEELING THAT "SOMETHING BAD" OCCURRED. AT OTHER TIMES THESE UNFORTUNATE MEN ARE SWINDLED OUT OF THEIR LIFE'S SAVINGS, IN A FAMILIAR SCAM KNOWN AS "A RELATIONSHIP". IN EXTREME CASES, THE FEMALE MAY EVEN BE SHREWD ENOUGH TO ENTRAP THE UNSUSPECTING MALE INTO A LONGER TERM FORM OF SERVITUDE AND PUNISHMENT REFERRED TO AS "MARRIAGE".
MEN ARE MUCH MORE SUSCEPTIBLE TO THIS SCAM AFTER BEER IS ADMINISTERED AND SEX IS OFFERED BY THE PREDATORY FEMALES.
PLEASE!! FORWARD THIS WARNING TO EVERY MALE YOU KNOW. IF YOU FALL VICTIM TO THIS "BEER" SCAM AND THE WOMEN ADMINISTERING IT, THERE ARE MALE SUPPORT GROUPS WHERE YOU CAN DISCUSS THE DETAILS OF YOUR SHOCKING ENCOUNTER WITH SIMILARLY VICTIMIZED MEN. FOR THE SUPPORT GROUP NEAREST YOU, JUST LOOK UP "GOLF COURSES" IN THE PHONE BOOK.
PLEASE FORWARD TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS WHO MIGHT FALL VICTIM TO THIS SCAM.
Consider yourselves duly warned. And now back to your regularly scheduled programming ...

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 9:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 10:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (13)

I am writing this from my hospital room ... no, don't worry. Just a few sulphur burns, a broken nose, a couple of bony protrubances and about a dozen stiches in various places. Nothing too serious. I took on the Dark Lord yesterday. Two men went into the cage, only one would walk out. The house was packed y'all! Judas was there. I think I saw the Marquis de Sade schmoozing with Hitler. The communists had a huge party with strippers and when I say the Vodka was flowing, I mean RIVERS of the shit. Stalin tried to get up on stage with one of the strippers, slipped and fell right into Mata Hari's lap. It was freaking hilarious! Come to think of it, I didn't see them around much after that. Hmmmm ... but I digress. I think they filmed it for pay-per-view, I'll let you know when it should play.
The deal was two out of three falls, winner take all. We started scrapping before the bell even rang. I couldn't wait to whip his ass and take his crown but he is after all the Prince of Darkness. I should have known he was going to cheat. He used his tail to leg whip me to the canvas. Before I knew it he had me in a figure four leg lock, but I wasn't done yet. I brought some brass knuckles in with me. I reached down in my pants grabbed ahold of my ... er, knuckles and came up with a few good strokes, er ... blows hits to his face. He was bleeding like a stuck pig. That's where the burns came from. (Didn't you know Satans blood is like acid? Do your homework people!) I'm not sure how I got behind him but I finally got him in the patented "Tommy Knocker" (that's a modified sleeper hold) and he went down! HARD! Round one to Tommy! The only problem was I got poked by one of his horns ... hence the stiches.
The second round it was much of the same ... kicking, spitting, biting ... just flat out scrapping in the mud and the blood and the beer. I hit him so hard he shat in his tights so there was some of that as well. I remember him shooting in low and when he grabbed my legs, slipping in a rather large, oderiferous pile of shit blood or something. It was that time he brought his head up and knocked me slap the fuck out broke my nose and pinned me. Round Two? Damien's Dad.
Round three came. This was it. Winner of this fall gets the crown. suddenly I felt a power surging through me. I looked over into his corner and there he stood ... one eye swolen almost shut, blood dripping from his nose and mouth, tail cracked in two places ... he was a mess and didn't look so damned scary anymore. We walked out into the center of the ring and bumped knuckles. I could see the grudging respect in his eyes. He despised me and I think he feared me a little too. We went at it and the action was a blur. He knocked me down in the corner and got up on the cage. He pumped the crowd and prepared to deliver the death blow. It hurt like hell but I managed to roll out just before he hit the ground. He was stunned. I grabbed him by the broken tail and threw him into the corner. I jumped up on the second rope for leverage and pummelled him mercilessly. I saw his eyes glaze over and jumped off the rope. He stood there wobbling for a bit. Back and forth, back and forth then the laws of gravity kicked in and his face hit the mat. I could smell the water in my tights as I got excited victory. I rolled him over and that was it.
So now Tommy rules the underworld. My horns look good but I had to send out for a new tail. The old one was beyond repair. Dr. Mengela said it would never swish right again. But the nurses here? OH MY! They remind me of royalty. And the "service?" Can I say with a clear concience it's almost "heavenly." Of course I can because I rule here now! Ladies ... the line to congratulate me on my victory forms to the left. And I promise ... no brass knuckles in these tights. I'm just very happy to see you.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 9:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Today is June 6, 2006. 6-6-06, 666. And 'The Omen' is being remade. HMMMMM could it be ... SATAN! I think I'm gonna break a mirror, walk under a ladder, step on a crack, spil some salt and whatever else I can think of. I figure by the end of the day, I should have enough Mojo built up to take on the Dark Lord (and no I don't mean Lord Voldemort silly!) Winner take all, two out of three in a cage match. I figure if I win, my love life will certainly pick up. I mean chicks dig dark, horny bad boys right? Right? ... Beuler, Beuler

**chirp, chirp**

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 9:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (15)

This is a long post so if you want to read the whole thing, and I hope you do, click on the link that says "continue reading" below.

I bought my laptop as a Christmas present this past year and have really enjoyed it since then. Mommy Gunn thinks I enjoy it a bit TOO much but that's another post for another day. It came set up for wireless which is good because I didn't want to be tied down anywhere just to have to talk to you all or do anything else I felt like. In fact, as I type this post, I am sitting on my back porch. It is cloudy and raining but the cool air feels wonderful after the past couple of days of 90 degree temperatures and humidity. The backyard is alive. I hear insects, birds chirping, my cat is streched out doing what cat's do best ... trying to get through the day while expending the least amount of energy as possible. But I digress.
I bought the wireless router and installed it and it works GREAT ... except for one small problem. I can't send e-mail. I recieve e-mail but just cant send it. I'm using Outlook Express 6.0 as my e-mail program and really like it except for that one problem. I have owned computers since the very early 90's and have done most of my own work on them so I have developed a certain amount of skill in figuring stuff out. I'm not saying I can work in IT (although from some of the experiences I've had with those fine folks, I couldn't do any worse than some) but I can muddle through and eventually figure stuff out.

Continue reading "Customer service ... yeah, RIGHT!" »

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 11:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

I am a freak of nature. Yep, no doubt about it and no apologies for it. It is after all who I am and if I can't be me, who's gonna be? I have done quite the bit of soul searching in the past several weeks. I didn't flinch but rather looked deep down to the core of Tommy. You know what I found? It's a little bit dark in there ... OK,it's pitch black. I guess I forgot to pay the electric bill. Go figure. Once I got the torches lit and looked around a bit, I saw rats as big as poodles eating roaches the size of dinner plates.
There are webs all over the place as thick as cables dripping with jelly that burns the flesh if brushed up against. (Note to self: pick up more triple anibiotic ointment and bandages.) Ensconced in those webs are very large, very scary spiders, venom dripping from their fangs and eyes glowing an eerie, almost otherworldly blue. They make a squishy sound when they shuffle to devour anything that gets caught in their webbing. Piles of small bones, possibly the bones of children litter the ground under their nests. Hearing that sound almost made me turn back.
I didn't want to go any farther, but there was something in the corner. I was drawn, compelled even to face the vermin because I had to see what it was. I could no more have turned away than I could rip my arm out of the socket and sit down with some fava beans and a nice bottle of Chianti. It was a body. I could tell it had been there for years. It was curled up in a fetal position and the ribs were sticking through the remnants of a shirt that had long since decomposed around them. The legs and arms were sticks barely covered with flesh, pulled taut after years of being locked away in the dark.
I reached out to turn the body and it gasped, heaving in breath. I think it was at that point that I shat myself ... or maybe it was the spiders. Either way, it was not a pretty sight or smell. I got down on my knees beside it and gently, grabbing it by the arm, rolled it over to get a look at it's face. I stared into my own eyes and wept. Pretty melodromatic, huh?
The truth is, I came face-to-face with an ugly little secret that I have been hiding away for years ... I love. That's it. That's all. I love. OK, so it goes a little deeper than that. I don't love. anybody. Not a bit. It's all about me baby. (Ethyl Marie, is that boy on something? Didn't he just say he loved ... and then turned around and said he don't love? Check his eyes and while you're down at the Super Saver, pick up one of them there new fangled drug tests. We need to get that boy a-pissin!)
Yeah BillyRayBobJuniorSamples, that's what I said. And I'm not stoned. I don't let people in. I lock them out, them meaning most of you. I do this mainly for their (your) own safety. (see spiders and rats above for further details) As much as I hate to say it I think that also partially applies to my wife and kids but I'm just telling you what I saw down there.
Every once in a while, once in a blue moon or maybe even longer than that. Aw shit, OK. Honestly I can count the times it's happened in my life on one hand and don't even have to use my thumb. In fact, I still have fingers available. It's a very rare thing indeed. But once in a while, someone comes into my life that I do want in. I do love and brother, when I love my flame burns as bright as the freaking sun. The problem is it's so hot, so fucking brilliant that it ends up incinerating whoever gets in it's path leaving them a scorched husk. What usually happens is the object of my affection (and it could be male or female. I'm an equal opportunity destroyer) is overwhelmed by me and runs screaming into the night, bleeding from the ears. I get depressed, pissed, upset and throw that little bastard back to the rats and spiders.
Why am I like this? I don't have a clue. Really. I do know it almost ruined a relationship that I thought I wanted so badly I could taste it. Thank God the overhead fire system kicked in and cooled me off in time. I think this one can be saved boys and girls. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a basement to clean, rats and spiders to kill and a body to feed and nourish back to good health. Anybody wanna help? Ethyl just got back with the cream and bandages ... Anybody?

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 2:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Say hello to the next American Idol. Way to freaking go Taylor! You are the anti-Idol, a grey haired, overweight, middle-aged looking dude that can sing his ass off. Congratulations dude. Make us proud ... especially your hometown folks!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 9:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (14)

Taylor Hicks has just become the next American Idol. Katherine McPhee is beautiful, she has a good, scratch that, GREAT body. she can sing her ass off but the boy from Alabama, the leader of the Soul Patrol, was far and above Miss McPhee. Congratulations Taylor Hicks. Make us proud. Betcha and No One, what do you think? And does it make me gay that I think Daniel Powter is HAWT and so is "So you had a bad day?" I love that song. Have a great day lovers and other dudes. (I'm not really gay ... noth that there's anything wrong with that. LOL) In fact, have a good week and be safe on your Memorial Day weekend. Love y'all.
TG

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 7:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
If I should die before I wake,
Somebody, please, for God's sake, reformat my hard drive.
Amen

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 8:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Today must have been a day for death. The first thing that happened, I was driving down entrance road and hear this "thump" like I hit a bump in the road or something. I look in my rear-view mirror and there is a sparrow doing the hokey-pokey in the middle of the road. I guess it swooped low and smacked the side of my car. I feel like a murderer.
Next, I'm still feeling like shit. My cold has turned into a sinus infection and my head is about to explode. So I call Doctor Dolittle and he calls in an antibiotic for me. I decide ( and my boss concurs) that I need to go home. I hit the road and get stuck behind a truck with a trailer hauling a bail of hay. The truck portion of the hauler barely misses this huge turtle on the blacktop and then, for some reason, swerves. The trailer hits the turtle dead center, spraying turtle goo all over the place. I swerve to miss it and the last thing I see is this cracked shell with the turtle's head sticking straight up as if he were screaming at the sky. I feel a nightmare coming on.
As if that weren't enough, I have a buttload of e-mail to go through from my week's vacation, cuz I may be dedicated, but there ain't no effin way I am going to even think about work when I ain't there, let alone do something proactive like check my e-mail from home. Uh-uh, no freaking way. Well buried about halfway into the inbox is a short note from my boss telling everyone that the soda vendor has been changed. All the Diet Coke machines will soon be replaced by shiny new Pepsi machines.
Did I mention that the only thing I can think of when I hear Pepsi is Jeff Gordon? (In case you are not up on your Nascar history, he drives the #24 Dupont Paint car but Pepsi is a major sponsor of his.) Did I also mention that I hate Jeff Gordon with a passion that would do Charles Manson justice? Did I perhaps in an aside state the fact that I hate Pepsi even more than Jeff Gordon ... if that's possible. I need a drink, y'all. A nice rum and Diet Coke perhaps, but with my luck, I'll find a dead rat in the rum and all my Diet Coke will be flat. I'll let you know later when I wake up from my nightmare and the SPCA gets through with me. Have a great one!
TG
edit: I just looked out my rear window and my cat, along with another neighborhood cat, have a lizard or frog trapped between them playing "rip the reptile." It just gets better and better.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 3:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)