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January 8, 2008

Dad's Gall Bladder, redux ...

So it looks like dad DOESN'T have gall bladder problems after all.

He went in to the doctor for a preoperative sonogram, so they could see what was up inside him and figure out the best way to correct it. What they found was a mass of fluid in his abdomen and a liver that wasn't working quite right.

He was immediately given an MRI. The MRI showed polyps on his stomach but not much more that the doctor could use to make a firm diagnosis with.

They did another round of blood work and tomorrow, he goes for a CT scan. That should give the doctors a clue as to what needs to be done. He has another appointment to discuss the findings Thursday. At a minimum, they plan to tap his stomach and drain some of the fluid out of his abdomen which should provide some relief to his pain.

We don't know much more than that, but hope to soon. Needless to say my mom is freaking.the.fuck.out. She is holding together, but just barely. And I can't do anything for her, so we sit and wait.

It feels like shit and I just want to throw up.

September 17, 2007

Tons o' shit ...

It has been a hell of a weekend ... and in my life, that's saying a lot.

First things first. I know what many people think of me and I know what I've said before, but, well, there's no other way to say it ... I'm afraid I'm in love ...with the woman that I have called my wife for the past 22+ years (excepting the past year or so.)

I know I have probably painted her as this cold, frigid bitch, but I was wrong and I freely admit that ... well partially. You may or may not know that we have been spending weekends together (If not ... WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN? I HAVEN'T DIED ... JUST BEEN BUSY! DELURK ALREADY AND LEAVE A DAMNED COMMENT! Just kidding ... sorry ...) and doing a lot of talking.

Long story short, Saturday night we decided to reconcile. We had a really good weekend together as a total family. Both of us have admitted fault with the problems we had and both of us have showed by our actions that we are willing to face our faults and work to change them. We have a joint appointment with my therapist October 1. Wish us luck.

Second: Josh got picked for Jury Duty today. I dropped him off at 8:30 a.m. and by the time I got home, he was still gone. Ryan was too, but he called me to ask me to pick him and a "non-girlfriend" girlfriend up from the park and take her home. Got that? Good. By the time we got home again, Josh was still not home and there was no phone call. I decided to run to the courthouse to see if the dumbass was out of minutes and just hadn't called me.

I walked into the courtroom just in time to see him getting sworn to tell the truth. He didn't see me as I sat there and listened to the lawyers interrogate him.

I was so proud.

Continue reading "Tons o' shit ..." »

September 11, 2007

Not a whore ...

Okay ... I think I have it figured out. I'm not a comment whore and I think you know that but I have a favor to ask. If you get the notification, could you let me know via a comment or e-mail. The address is tommy@tommysdarkside.com. Thanks. I appreciate it.

Laters!

September 10, 2007

I have upgraded ... again

I have upgraded from Moveable Type version 3.3 to MT 4.0. This blog may be a little wonky for a while but I will get it figured out. I'll be back. I hope this won't be a total pain in the ass, but it's been several hours so far and I am just now able to publish a new post.

Got I hate upgrading.

Later!

September 4, 2007

I've been away ...

I haven't been around for a while. I appreciate those of you who have noticed that and e-mailed or IM'd me to wonder why.

My soon-to-be-ex-wife (maybe) spent the Labor Day weekend with us. Stayed the nights. And we were like a family again ... with one exception. We talked. About important shit.

A lot.

Something we had not done in a long time.

mclunch3bwconversion

And there was sex ... good sex! Something I haven't had in a long time. Better sex than we have had for years.

I don't know what's going to happen, But I know that I do love her ... always have, no matter what I've told you. We will have been married for 23 years this coming March and have been together (dating included) for 29 years.

We have both had a lot of time to see what being apart from each other is like and have been thinking about it a lot.

Like I said, I don't know what's going to happen, but we're working on it. I do know this. We have given our church and my family a LOT to talk about. I heard that someone said "Did you SEE them walking into the church holding hands?"

That cracks my shit up!

But fuck 'em. My life is my own. I was the one who ruined this marriage and it is mine to fix. In fact, She asked me "Can I trust you again?"

I told her "I don't know." Hence, the uncertainty about what will happen. But I know this. We are talking like we haven't talked in the last decade. And that bodes well ... or at least it's a start. She will stay over here a few more nights this week and we will talk some more ... and that's a GOOD thing.

So pardon me for not being here while I try to work this out. I still love you all and hope you haven't forgotten me. I'm here. I'm just busy.

Talk to you soon,
Tommy

August 22, 2007

Brush with fame ...

Here's a kick in the ass for you.

I know I said I was not going to talk or blog about work anymore, but I have to tell you this.

Last spring, there was a festival here at Camp Swampy. Don't ask me why, we just do that shit now and again. It's Louisiana and that's just what we do. Well, the powers that be brought in a lot of bands and other acts to entertain the troops. One of them was a ventriloquist and he was AWESOME! Sang, told jokes, had several 'partners.' He was great!

It was my day off and I had the boys with me, but the Public Affairs TV guys were there and I volunteered to help them out.

I ended up interviewing the ventriloquist and had a really good time doing it. The interview turned out great and was broadcast on the post TV channel.

Any guesses who the ventriloquist was?

Terry Fator

That's right, Terry Fator, who last night just won "America's Got Talent." He won a million bucks and a gig as a headliner in Vegas. Let me tell you what. If you ever get a chance to see this guy, do it. He sounds just like everyone from Garth Brooks to Louis Armstrong. He is fucking awesome!

Wonder if he could loan me twenty bucks. We are old friends after all.

August 17, 2007

These dreams ...

Oh My God!

I don't know what it is ... last night ... well ... lets just say that I had two of the weirdest fucking dreams I have had in my life.

I dream in color sometimes. I know, you're not supposed to and I don't know what it means that I do, but trust me I do.

I told you about seeing the shrink last night. Well I finally got my meds refilled and took the full dose for the first time in a while. I know, I'm fucking stupid, but when the electric bill is over $300 per month, sometimes you gotta sacrifice.

The thing that is weird is that I woke up and immediately wrote the dreams (or at least the gist of them) down. I mean, I NEVER do that. Now I just have to decipher what the fuck I wrote. Tommy? All Ambiened out? Early in the morning? Yeah, not a very pretty sight, nor am I that coherent.

I got a call today about the therapist. I had to drive BACK to the doc's office to fill out the paperwork and make sure I had insurance and all that shit, so I've been on the road all day. The actual first appointment is Monday. WOOT!

So It's been a busy last day of vacation and I need to get the kids fed. I'll do what I can to get the dreams on paper (or monitor I suppose) as soon as I can. After all. What's the sense in being a total loony if you can't share it with complete strangers.

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Oh, no, wait! I'm not talking about YOU guys, but I've been checking my statcounter lately and I notice I've been getting a lot of traffic from Army.mil. Probably just the C.I.A. checking up on me making sure the booster they put on the message-delivering device they put in my TV is not being blocked by the tinfoil hat and underwear I wear every day.

Those guys are sneaky, but I think I got their number. Oh, and Ryan is getting his learner's permit. Be Afraid, be VERY afraid!

August 16, 2007

Calling Doctor Feelgood ...

...and bring Nurse Goodbody with you!

Had an appointment Thursday with the head doc. He doubled my meds. I think he's trying to tell me something.

He also gave me a consult for a therapist. He thinks it should only take a few sessions to get me back on track. Shows you how much he knows ME, huh?

It's my last day of vacation. I've been gone two weeks. I'm not sure how I feel about having to go back. I really think I need to find some way to work from home.

I'm still working on getting through "The Thirteenth Tale" The hour-and-a-half drive ... each way ... to the doc and back ... put a big dent in that for me today. I'm really enjoying it. You know how I know that? Cuz I'm already starting to dread the end of the tale. *le sigh*

By the way! Thanks for the recommendation. What would you suggest I "read" next?

Thank God for Ambien and good insurance.

Why do TV producers take a good idea and beat the dog shit out of it? I loved "The Deadliest Catch" on the Discovery Channel. (In case you don't know, "The Deadliest Catch" followed several groups of fishermen during the very short, very dangerous Alaskan crab season. AWESOME SHOW!) Well, apparently it was such a big success they figure they have to clone the PISS out of it. Right now, "Lobster Wars" or some such shit is on and I just saw a badge on the bottom of the screen that said "NEXT: Tuna Wranglers" I mean WTF? Stop.The.Madness! Please!

On another note, "Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe?" Classic! I LOVE that freaking show.

Aren't you glad you're privy to the scintillating ins-and-outs, the non-stop misadventures and the inumerable odd thoughts and other shit running through my brain that make up the life and times of Sir Thomas of Gunn, Duke of Pornia?

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Yeah ... me too.

HEY! I heard that. You're laughing WITH me, right? No? At me? Shit man, that just ain't right OR polite. What would your mother think?

Somebody tell me why I blog again? Please?

August 14, 2007

WTF is he thinking?

I'm baaaaaaaack! WOOT!

I spent the afternoon and into the night yesterday reinstalling my OS on my laptop. It still seems to be a bit wonky, but I'm working on it. For some reason, it doesn't want to upload the Microsoft Office suite that I had on there before. I mean it worked fine before, but now it's telling me there is a problem.

I also despise the fact that I have to reboot about a thousand times while installing all the add-on shit that made my laptop so convenient to use. But I'm working through it. I have all the necessities installed and can take my time with the rest.

Did I mention I was up until 3 a.m. this morning fucking with it? Yeah ... I know, I'm anal.

Oh, and Son #1 had to be at Wal Mart at 7:30 a.m. this morning to fill out paperwork and get the referral for the drug test he had to take.

I guess he was excited about pissing in the bottle because at 6:30 a.m., he was IN MY FACE YELLING that I needed to get up and get ready to get him there.

Have I mentioned that Wal Mart is only a ten minute drive from our house? No? YES! IT'S A 10 MINUTE FUCKING DRIVE! What is he freaking thinking!

And on top of that YELLING! I coulda killed him, but I was a nice guy ... I told him to GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE AND TALK TO ME AT 7 A.M.! I mean, shit, man, I set the freaking alarm clock. I'm a responsible adult! Gimme a break!

We got there 10 minutes early and I hung out in the parking lot listening to "The Thirteenth Tale" (see side bar) on the iPod. He came back out with the piss test paperwork about 40 minutes later.

Now, there used to be a drug test center in Podunk Junction (my home town) but apparently they went out of business and the nearest one is now in Podink Junction (the next town over, a 30 minute drive.)

Oh yeah! Did I mention that I was taking my younger son out of school today so he could attend a Driving School so he could get his learners permit? And that the school started at 9 a.m.? And that the drug testing center was only open from 8-11 a.m. and closed on Wednesdays?

Yeah, I thought it was ridiculous too.

Thanks to the soon-to-be-ex, we got everybody where they needed to be and all was well. Oh, I'm also semi-permanently babysitting my sister's dogs (they have been here for the past year) and they had an appointment this afternoon. They are fine and are set for the next six months with the exception of needing their teeth cleaned ... at a cost of $140 apiece. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ALL ABOUT? Damn. Sorry, I may be PMSing. It's been a busy fucking day,

I think I'm gonna throw on a chicken breast casserole, take my Ambien and go to bed, Flickr uploader, Microsoft Outlook and Photoshop be damned. Love you guys. Talk to you tomorrow when I'm more prepared to face the world.

Laters

August 13, 2007

Technical difficulties ...

photo159p (by Duke of Pornia)

So things are clogging up here on the Dark Side. The old PC arteries are getting clogged and it's time to go in for a quadruple bypass surgery ... that's right. It's time to reinstall the OS. BLEH!

So if I'm not around, or if the web looks a little brighter, it's because the Dark Side has gone, well, dark for a while. I should be back up no later than tomorrow though.

Wonder if it's time to look into a Mac? Have a great one folks and I'll see you on the flip side.

Tommy, Out!

August 11, 2007

Words of wisdom ...

As seen on "Feasting on Asphalt, Season 2" starring Alton Brown:

"There is nothing sadder than someone sitting around talking about what might have been."

~Anonymous

Not me, friend, not me.

August 9, 2007

YEAH BABY!

Gas is back on! I'll be in the shower if you need me. Laters!

In the shower ... (by Duke of Pornia)

August 3, 2007

I think I know ... part 5

I hated Alabaster Christian Academy from the moment I walked through the doors. I thought the people were so snotty and snooty ... just a bunch of pampered rich kids who would leave there bound for the best colleges and careers. What did I care about that. I didn't need school, didn't want to be there ... hell, I wanted to be a longshoreman. What do they need school for? (Although after watching a season's worth of the Discovery Channel's "The Deadliest Catch" I think I'm glad I didn't follow up on that dream!)

I don't know if I can explain it as good as the school handbook does. I'm totally serious, you really need to read this so you get a feeling of what this old miscreant was facing. Go ahead ... it's only about 20 pages. I'll wait.

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I soon learned that ACA didn't work like other schools. They worked on the P.A.C.E. system. Don't even ask me what P.A.C.E. stands for and I won't lie and act like I know (although I'm thinking "Puritans Against Christless Education" or "Prudes Aghast at Children's Enjoyment.") I just tried to Google it and couldn't find it.

Here's the basic concept: Students took classes at their own pace, hence, I suppose the P.A.C.E. system. The quicker you could get done and pass the test, the quicker you moved to the next subject. They actually had kids who applied themselves, and as a result, graduated at the age of 16. No shit!

Boys and girls, I made up every credit I failed in my previous two and a-half years in public school ... and I did it in one semester. Actually, I was ahead of where I was supposed to be at that point in my career. I was so far ahead that, during my senior year, all I had to take were two English classes and an agriculture class (an elective.) I spent the second half of the day at auto shop class at the vocational technical school.

As much as I hated ACA, it was probably the best thing that could have happened to me at that point in my life. Oh and I lettered in wrestling also. I went to the state championship and got my ass WHIPPED in the first round, but I lettered. I think that was the first thing I ever excelled at that I could really be proud of.

To this day, I have a hard time believing I actually joined an extracurricular activity that didn't end up with me passed out on the floor or puking in a corner. Of course I got to legally beat people up, which was probably the biggest benefit I could see to the whole thing. God, I love a good cross-face! But I digress.

Things are looking up. I got my shiite together. I think it's all gonna work out fine.

Yeah

Sure. This is Tommy we're talking about, remember?

Next chapter? "The Downfall". See ya later!

I think I know ... part 4

The two week party was a way we chose to celebrate coming back from the Christmas break. I hung out with the smokers ... all kinds of smokers, if you know what I mean. In fact, I had been smoking (tobacco) for years ... since the age of nine. But let me back up a bit and set the stage.

We moved to Alaska my freshman year of high school and what a high school it was! It had five stories, an indoor rifle range, a three-court basketball gym, gymnastics/wrestling rooms, photography studios with darkrooms and cameras to check out to the students, two cafeterias, a self-contained theatre. I'm not shitting you ... the list goes on and on! It really was an awesome school.

My first day, I was wandering around, hopelessly lost, when this beautiful girl came up and offered to help me find my class. I was dumbstruck, but thankful all the same. We kind of hung out that day as she showed me around. At lunch, she asked if I smoked pot. Well, not wanting to possibly offend, Of course I told her I did, but I'm afraid she saw through that lie by my performance. It was my first time and it showed.

She ended up showing me where the smoking area was (I'm not kidding. The school actually had a legal, authorized smoking area for students! I couldn't believe it either!) and that area became my home base for the rest of my academic tenure there. It was there I learned the lesson she tried to teach me that day, and learned it to perfection. I made a lot of friends there and some enemies too, but that's another story.

A few of my friends, decided that we would skip the first couple of days of the semester. It was a HUGE school and, kind of like college, the class roll really wasn't set until the semester had been in session for about a week. No one would miss us. It was perfect.

We got to school in the morning and headed into the woods to a clearing. We hung out there all day. We would go into the school and "borrow" chairs from the lunchroom, we gathered wood and built a bonfire ... it was a freaking par-tay! Word started spreading and it just got bigger and bigger with more and more people shuffling through.

There was a small cadre of regulars that stayed out there all day, but people came and went throughout the two weeks. Some brought weed, some beer or hard liquor and everybody shared everything. It was kind of like a hippie commune except I think we smelled better.

We would sneak into the school and steal sodas out of the machines to use as mixers and get food from the cafeteria. See back then, all you had to do was stick your arm up the machine and lever the cokes out. If you took so many you couldn't reach anymore, you just put some money in and made your selection. The cokes would fall to the bottom and you just started over again.

Need money? No problem. If you hit a certain one of them right above the coin return slot, it would spit out coins. God we were evil, but we had a good time. We stayed out there for two weeks and it was the best time I think I ever had.

The party probably would have gone on longer, but one day one of the school narcs (employees of the school, kinda like rent-a-cops, that were there to keep order, break up fights, bust drug dealers, etc.) saw some guys walking into the woods and started chasing them. As he chased them past a particularly large tree, someone stepped out and clubbed him over the head with a baseball bat. He ended up being hospitalized with a nasty concussion and the party was officially over.

I have to tell you, I'm not proud of some (many) of the things I did as a kid and I'm happy he didn't get hurt worse than he did. I'm not bragging or anything here, just stating the facts as they happened.

I think that was the semester of the six F's and a D. Just another example of why the school, for good reason, kicked me out. So now that I've fulfilled that promise, on to the new school, but that will be tomorrow. See you here.

August 2, 2007

I think I know ... part 3

When last we left our intrepid hero, he was getting his ass whacked for smoking. Wondering what the fuck I'm talking about? Catch up with part one and part two.

Caught up? Good!

So ... where was I? Oh yeah. Getting my ass whipped because a schoolmate's mom saw me smoking and turned me in. As I've thought about this over the past day or so, I am conflicted. The better story, given my proclivity towards hating God (again, I refer you to part one) would be to tell you what a shit hole this was and how hypocritical everybody was that went there and how it was the worst time of my life ... but that isn't the TRUE story.

The truth is that it was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. What? You don't believe me? To quote an old Harrison Ford movie, "You will, Doctor Jones, you will." My average report card while I was in public school was dismal. I walked into my classes stoned off my ass most of the time.

I remember a couple of history classes I had with a particular teacher. His name was Lee Highsmith. I thought he was an interminable prick. There was a picture of him in the yearbook with a Kangol -style hat, longish hair, smoking a pipe with a scarf wrapped around his neck. Oh and he was in a Bugatti, too. I mean, just really pretentious looking.

The first class I took with him was Native American History. I was in class and, God, I wish I could remember what happened exactly, but I can't. I remember we got into an argument. What was it about? Who the fuck really knows. All I remember is that he finally told me I was disrupting the class and to leave. I looked at him and said "Fuck you, I ain't going anywhere." I was tough. He wasn't gonna scare me. I mean what was this pretentious prick gonna do? Physically remove me? Pffft, he wouldn't dare!

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So Lee and I are walking down the hall ... well he is walking. Me? I am tiptoeing. Not because I want to be quiet and respectful of all the other students, those conformist sponges, soaking up their lessons so as to make their transition to the college of their choice an easy one.

No. I'm tiptoeing because Lee, nice guy that he is, has one arm around my windpipe and his other hand has my arm held, rather uncomfortably I might add, behind my back. He has my arm so high that I could probably groom the duck tail I wore then ... If he would just be nice enough to hand me the comb that was ever-present in my back pocket. But he had other plans ... like getting me to the principals office and getting back to class to teach the kids that WANTED to learn.

Needless to say, I never darkened the doorstep of his class again that semester. The same thing happened a year or so later. I was taking another class with him and just ... didn't feel like being there. So I took my boom box (an 8-track no less ... with F.M. Radio! SWEET!) and pulled a chair up to the window. I was really considerate. HONEST! I kept it down to a level where only me and the closest students could hear it.

Can you imagine? Lee didn't approve! What the fuck was his problem? Well, long story short, I ended up tiptoeing down the hall to the principals office with his arm around my neck and my left hand scratching my shoulders. Again, that was the last time I darkened his doorway that semester.

That was an encapsulation of my high school experience. There was a two week party that I'll tell you about later as well as time on the rifle range, photography class and a contemporaneous speech in JROTC extolling the virtues of cocaine ... but let me leave you with this.

My average report card had more D's and F's than anything else. I think my worst one was six F's and a D. I got kicked out of high school after two and a half years after only earning like ... fuck I don't remember. Maybe six credit hours? And that's just an old man giving himself the benefit of the doubt.

I was a pathetic student. But! I had been in several of the school's biggest musical theatrical productions including the spring production of "Charlotte's Web" where I played Wilbur the Pig! WOOT! Seriously! I was a star. Here is the proof:

wilbur (by Duke of Pornia)

This was a full dress rehearsal. I'm the guy in pink. I like the way my cast accessorized the outfit. (Remind me to tell you about how I broke those fingers. I tell you, I'm lucky to be alive.)

In the next installment? Anchorage Christan Schools and why they were so good for me. Ciao!

August 1, 2007

I think I know ... part 2

This is the second in God-only-knows-how-many posts that explain why, when I compare my life to some others, I feel like I come up on the very short end of the stick. Not a whining post, but in the words of Jack Webb (Joe Friday on "Dragnet",) "Just the facts, ma'am."

To get caught up on the story, go here.

I joined the Air Force. The first time, I had a guaranteed job as an air traffic controller. It was in the early '80s, right after Ronald Reagan had fired all the air traffic controllers for going on strike. It was sweet. I was looking forward to making a TON of bucks and having a good life ahead of me.

But what do they say? The best laid plans of mice and men? There is a process (or at least there was when I joined) where the officers at the inprocessing station take all the prospective recruits into a room and warn them that if they have lied or failed to mention anything that might disallow them from serving in the military, this was their last chance to make it right. They subtly threaten you with fines and jail and having your nuts crushed and bamboo shoots shoved under your fingernails. This was the FINAL step before you are lined up and sworn in.

Ah, but your humble correspondent is a total fuck up. Remember? Let me get into the wayback machine and fill you in a bit.

I got kicked out of public high school in my 11th grade year. I was a hellion in high school. I skipped for weeks at a time, I did drugs, got in physical altercations with teachers ... I'm totally surprised they put up with me for two and a half years. But they soon rectified that mistake. When I went in to get my class schedule for the second half of my junior year, the counselor and the principal pulled me in to the office and told me that I was wasting their time and they were wasting mine and so my presence would no longer be required at the high school.

I went home and told my parents I had been kicked out of school and I was done. I didn't need it. I could get bye ... make it on my own. I was thinking "Hey! I can sell pot. I can bust up a $60 ounce into 28 grams. At $5 per gram, that's $140 ... more than double my investment!." Of course I didn't think about how I would live off the $20 profit I would enjoy after I bought two ounces. I mean fuck! If I had weed, I would definitely have food, right? Riiiiight!

Well, mom and dad had a different plan. They planned on me to finish school and it didn't make a fuck what I thought. Before I knew it, I was enrolled in a private Christian school. Part of the deal was that I would have to go to church every time the doors were open. Sunday morning, night and Wednesday night. I also had to wear a shirt and tie and get my very long hair cut almost military-style. Oh and smoking? Drinking? Fuggetaboutit! In fact, I got licks (thats corporal punishment to you edukated folks ... you know. A spanking ... with a paddle!) from the principal because a fellow student's parents saw me smoking and turned me in. It was fucked up, but I submitted to my fate and went along gracefully.

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BWAHAHAHAHAHA! *snort* Damn, I almost pulled it off! Sorry, just couldn't keep a straight face,

That's about enough for tonight though, so until next time...

::TO BE CONTINUED::

July 31, 2007

Like a bolt out of the blue ...

Crosses 4 (by Duke of Pornia)

When I got to work today, there was a package in my in-box. I could tell it was a book, but that was no biggie. I am expecting a book that a publisher wants me to review, so I tossed it on my bookshelf, unopened.

So, about twenty minutes ago, (it's about 11 a.m. central as I write this) Rose Princess comes into my office to chat, notices the package and asks about it. I explain what it is and reach over to open it. I mean, it's as good a time as any, I suppose.

Inside the Fed-Ex envelope, there is a book ... but it's wrapped in gift wrapping paper ... a little strange coming from a publisher, but what the hell. There is also a hand-written note. I pull the note out and almost hit the floor.

Let me backtrack a bit. Last year I did a series of commentaries for the paper about 'Crosses on the Road'.

Shortly thereafter, a letter arrived from Alabama. The mother of a fallen Soldier told the story of his death and HIS cross on the side of the road. A follow up story was done, printing her letter (with her permission) and things just snowballed. A group of men from the Soldier's unit and some of the rescue workers that responded to the call contacted her. They comforted her and also went out to the cross and beautified the area ... new paint, mowing, planting new flowers ... these guys went all out. She had a bit of closure after that and wrote me another letter to thank me again.

Now ... this letter ... well, you read it ...

Dear Mr. Gunn,

We wanted to thank you again for your article on the crosses. It is coming up on the 7th anniversary of our son's passing. Because of your article, we will never have to worry about the condition of our son's cross or crash site. Thanks to (name withheld) and (name withheld) of the (Camp Swampy) Fire Department. They have taken it upon themselves to keep our son's memory alive. We have become very good friends since the article was written and met in person this past week.

We wanted to give you a token of our appreciation. Please accept this gift which has become a very special part of my life.

Again, thank you for writing the article. It always amazes me as we walk through life, the impact the small things we do can have on someone else's life. I'm sure that when you wrote the article you had no idea of the lives that would be touched and the friendships made.

Thank you,
A Soldier's Mom

This is the book they sent me:

Streams (by Duke of Pornia)

Now you know I've been having some major swings the past couple of days. This really touched me. But what happened next freaked me out. I opened the book to todays date and this is what met me there ...

As moves my fragile boat across the storm-swept sea,
Great waves beat o'er her side, as north wind blows;
Deep in the darkness hid lie threat'ning rocks and reefs;
But all of these, and more, my Pilot knows.

Sometimes when darkness falls, and every light's gone out,
I wonder to what port my frail ship goes;
Although the night be long, and restless all my hours;
My distant goal, I'm sure, My Pilot knows.

A scan of the previous pages seemed to line up with exactly what I'm going through. Saturday ... the day I just wanted to die:

The flowers live by the tears that fall from the sad face of the skies;
And life would have no joys at all, were there no watery eyes.
Love the sorrow, for grief will bring It's own reward in later years;
The rainbow, see how fair a thing God has built up from tears.

And these are just examples, there is a lot more there that I won't subject you to, but trust me ... it's a little fucking spooky.

Now I just got done telling you part of my deal with God ... remember? The hate-hate relationship? This is a devotional book and you would expect to be able to read your situation into whatever lesson they are teaching that day ... still ... I just don't know how I feel about this, except a little freaked out.

I do want to say thank you to that Soldier's Mom. You touched me deeply today and gave me something to think about and I appreciate that. I'm proud that my words touched you and proud of the effect they have had on your life. It's an honor I'll carry with me the rest of my life.

Now can somebody please explain why the fuck I am so God-damned leaky these days!

July 30, 2007

I think I know ...

When I was a kid, all I wanted to be was an actor, I have acted in a dozen productions since then. Out of the dozen, I got the lead in about ten. A lot of them were musicals and so I had to sing as well.

Fortunately, I sing well.

Unfortunately, unless you look like Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie, you don't get many offers off the street. Okay, that may be unfair ... I guess you have to want it enough to go for it, damn the cost.

I wanted to be an actor or singer my whole life. But that's not something that you can get a degree in and move on to bigger and better things. Truthfully? I was always a pussy. My dad told me that. Even though I was good and showed success in my ventures. I believed him.

Continue reading "I think I know ..." »

July 29, 2007

It's amazing ...

in my eye (by Duke of Pornia)

How the most mind-numbing, automatic chores can just wipe your brain like a squeegee. Is it wrong to say I love doing dishes by hand, laundry and cooking? I didn't think so, either.

Edit: I wanna tell you something you may not know, but probably might have gleaned in the past month. A while ago, I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and prescribed medication to help me out with that. I know, I know ... I hide it so well, whoda thunk it if I hadn't mentioned it? But hey, again, that's the way I roll. Pfffffft!

The meds really seemed to be working ... I was a pretty happy guy. But some personal shit has transpired over the past month and the meds don't seem to be working as well as they did.

I have an appointment with Doctor Feelgood when I take vacation next month and really hope that we can get me back on track. So I just wanted to say, sorry for all the fucking downer posts. It's just that sometimes I feel like if I don't write it out, I'm gonna fucking explode or something. I can't really talk to anyone about it. I mean, SERIOUSLY. Would you want to be on the other end of that conversation? Puh-LEEZE!

I have never believed in the disease-of-the-month club. I was raised to just stuff it, suffer through it and get better, and by GOD don't you DARE burden anyone else with your problems! Admitting shit like that is weak and if you show weakness, you're gonna get steamrolled.

But I'm learning that depression is a monster bitch with sharp fangs and claws that she uses to perfection. Freddy Kreuger should take lessons. (Call me Fred, I'll introduce you.) I really am sorry that I do this shit and then send out the notifications, asking you to come suffer through it with me, but, hey, Misery loves company, right?

Can't promise that it won't happen again, but I promise to try and keep it a little more under control. I like you guys a lot and like having you around. Don't let this bitch chase you off, okay?

Oh, and one more thing ... thanks for listening. Love ya.

July 28, 2007

Strange days indeed ...

SharkCloseMK (by Duke of Pornia)

I got a call from the ex today. My sister in law is in and ...

wait ...

Lets back up a bit.

When my wife and I separated, she chose to put our business out to her whole family ... my mother-in-law and the four sisters. I don't know what she told them, but whatever it was, it put me in a very bad light. In fact, one of the sisters, who had been a good friend let it be known that if I came over for Christmas, I should be prepared to receive a LARGE piece of her mind. Needless to say, I stayed away. Who needs that kind of drama, especially Christmas day.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. My MIL was diagnosed as having had a series of small strokes at some time in the past. She also has a tumor in her brain. The good news is it looks to be benign, but there have been a number of doctors appointments, tests and other people to see while figuring out what is wrong with her and what treatment options should be pursued. Another SIL brought her kids and came to help. My kids were needed to babysit while the SIL took the MIL through the labyrinth of the health care system.

I never expected to see her, my SIL that is, but one day, my boys came in and said my nephew wanted to see me. I got to the door and my nephew jumped into my arms. I looked over at her and burst into tears. She hugged and comforted me and told me that everything would be alright. We talked. I cried through several apologies and "thank you's" and when she left, I knew that not ALL the sisters were lined up against me. I felt much better.

Continue reading "Strange days indeed ..." »

July 26, 2007

Yeah, I know ...

Pretty fucking stupid ... a 45 year old man getting all gushy over a stupid book, huh?

So, I'm over it now. Time to grow up, I guess, and get back ... or maybe "get started" would be a better choice of verbiage, being an adult.

I'm realizing some things ... having a self awakening, if you will ... about myself. I've been doing a lot of soul searching ... really looking at myself without the rose-colored glasses that we normally see ourselves through. I just don't know if I like what I see. No ... that's not true.

I know I don't like what I see.

The thing is, I don't really know what to do about it.

See, the life I live, the life I allow myself to continue living, how my life has turned out and the mark I'm making on the world ... well, lets just say that, when I compare my life and my achievements to the lives and achievements of others, in my eyes, I come up on the very, very short end of the stick.

Continue reading "Yeah, I know ..." »

July 23, 2007

Aw, shit and WOO HOO!

hpdhcover (by Duke of Pornia)

I have been a Harry Potter fan since I read the first book, oh, so many years ago. So obviously, I pre-ordered "The Deathly Hallows" as soon as it was available.

For those who have been living in a cave, "The Deathly Hallows" is the seventh and final book in the FABULOUSLY successful Harry Potter global empire. The series took J.K. Rowling from a welfare mom, to one of the richest women in England and a world-wide celebrity.

Anyway, back to my point. I've been waiting for months for this book to come in. So imagine my utter chagrin when I get a letter from Amazon saying the book would not be there on the day it was promised. (It was supposed to be here Saturday ... the first day of sale.) I was soooo pissed. I really was looking forward to reading it this weekend, so I was really down when it didn't get here.

Fast forward to Sunday. I'm sitting around my house with my thumb up my ass thinking about the most monumental decision of the day ... Cheddar or Mozzarella on my Spanish Cheese steak sammich? (Sammy made with choriso (a Spanish sausage) instead of minute steak on Ciabatta bread) When what to my wandering eyes (okay, I mighta been surfing porn ... maybe) should appear but a letter from Amazon saying they are refunding the price of my book. They broke their "on time" promise and were making it right. I was pleased, but pissed at the same time. Pleased, because someone in corporate America lived up to their word. Pissed, because now I had to go out and buy the book and Amazon was a buck cheaper AND they were offering free shipping. But, I would still be able to get the book and that was the important thing.

But wait! Like they say in the T.V. Commercials ... "There's MORE!"

Down at the bottom of the letter, there was a sentence that said, and I quote, "Rest assured, you will still receive your book soon." What? WOOT! I'm getting a FREE BOOK! WOOT! Ya know? Sometimes? Life is just damned good. Ahhhhhhhhh!

July 19, 2007

2 of 365

2 of 365 (by Duke of Pornia)

I promised myself I was over it, told myself that letting it affect me was a stupid waste of time. I told myself I was done, a new day was dawning and I was about to start a new life. I thought I would feel better, happier ... but today, now, this moment all I feel is empty. I don't know what to do.

July 18, 2007

The perfect day ...

You ever have one of those?

A day you wake up with the temperature hovering just below 70 degrees, truly a miracle for the month of July in the south.

The window open. Sunlight streaming through the tree outside speckles the carpet providing a natural, soft, waking light.

The smell of fresh cut grass perfumes the air on the crest of the breeze sweeping gently through the room, lifting the lace curtains only to let them fall lazily back into place again.

The full-throated cacophony of cardinals, mockingbirds, martins, sparrows and other songbirds provide the soundtrack of life as you stretch, sit up and ponder what direction your day appears to be headed.

As you make your way into the living room, the children are busy cleaning up, washing and folding laundry, loading and running the dishwasher.

The smell of fresh cut grass is replaced by carpet powder and lemon Pledge, but that's not all. The heady smell of fresh roasted coffee grounds giving up the nectar of life as water percolates through the coffee maker. You close your eyes and breathe deeply, the different smells assaulting your senses, threatening to overwhelm, but comforting all the same.

Walking now toward the kitchen, the kids smile and tell you good morning. Your paper, unopened and unread, is on the breakfast table and as you sit down a cup of coffee is placed in front of you.

Suddenly from the kitchen a sizzling hiss can be heard emanating from the area of the stove and the mouth-watering smell of bacon frying triggers an age old, primal response in your brain, bringing a smile to your face.

The eggs, three of them, over medium, grits creamy and swimming in butter, bacon crisp and meaty and toast a light, sensuous brown with a dollop of strawberry jam on each piece stare up at you from the plate.

Served with a smile, you begin to wonder who are these people and what did they do with your children?

The bowl of cantaloupe before you and the sound of your plate being scraped, rinsed and immediately placed in the dishwasher drive those thoughts out of your mind. After all, does it really matter?

You walk from the dinner table, back to the bedroom, grabbing a towel on the way and hit the shower. The hot water cascades across your face, over your shoulders and down your back relaxing tensed muscles and bringing a newness ... a freshness ... to the start of the day.

After stepping out of the shower, you notice a quiet solitude envelopes the house and your girlfriend is standing beside your bed in a gorgeous silk teddy with that "come hither" look making her literally glow.

She sent the kids to the movies and you have the house to yourself for the next several hours. The afternoon is spent fluctuating from hard, kinky, down and dirty fucking, to gentle intimate love making and back again. By the time you are done, you are literally spent.

Lying together, the last words you hear before you drift off to sleep is her, telling you she loves you more than anything else in the world and that she couldn't imagine being with anyone else anywhere else in the world.

You slumber and dream of the perfect day, in your perfect life with the perfect woman by your side and realize you are the happiest man in the world.

Have you ever had a day like that?

Yeah, me neither. Just thought I'd ask.

July 16, 2007

Today ...

CryingBaby (by Duke of Pornia)

... sucks big, ass-hair waxing, donkey balls ... but I guess it could be worse. It could also be the first day of the rest of my life ... if I were a breakfast cereal. Something happened to me today ... my "inner voice" was validated. For a long time now, I've thought I was going crazy ... that what I perceived and believed about my life wasn't ... couldn't be what was happening, that I MUST be wrong, but I wasn't. That nagging little whisper in the pit of my gut has always been right, I just let my cloudy thinking convince me otherwise. Well, I'm gonna trust my gut feelings from now on and not let emotions cloud my thinking. That's gonna piss some people off, but you know what? I don't give a fuck. Right now, my gut is telling me it's time to get on with life, make some changes ... possibly some monumental ones. And I gotta go with my gut. Maybe I'll tell you all about it one day, but most likely not. I'm a loner, remember? I can handle this on my own, thanks. End of message. Now get back to work. It is Monday after all.

(Pretty cryptic, huh? Trust me, I'm bleeding on the inside so it doesn't stain my dress shirt.)

July 11, 2007

Morning excitement and government efficiency ...

So I get to work this morning and am reading my papers, getting informed on what's happening in the world when my boss comes in and asks if I'd run to the gate and turn off the marquee billboard.

We have a huge electronic billboard as you drive onto the main post that gives the time and temp and announces any major events coming up at Camp Swampy. We update it over the internet from our office. Well, for the past couple of days, there has been a problem ... it wasn't processing the updates. The solution is to turn the power off for 15 minutes and allow the internal circuits to reboot. As a man, and thereby HIGHLY qualified to turn off a light switch, the job fell to me.

I'm figuring "This is cool! I just finished my last sip of diet coke. I'll go turn the thing off and cruise to the store for a breakfast donut and a refill!" That should take about 15 minutes and I can turn the sign on and get back to the important job of reading my papers and getting ... well, you get the point.

I get there and the circuit breaker box is on a telephone pole up a slight hill off the road. Channeling Tim Taylor (played sublimely by Tim Allen in the 1980's T.V. series 'Home Improvement.' And by the way. His wife? Played by Patricia Richardson? Total MILF ... but I digress.) I climb the hill, remove the safety tag (which looks like the meter tags you find on your electric meter but is in fact more like a safety pin. Seriously! I think the only person that wouldn't be able to open it is someone who still takes their meals from mama's boobs *dreamy look*Mmmmmm ... Patricia Richardson *cough, cough* Oh sorry, where was I? Oh yeah ...) and turn off the sign. I can taste the donut already.

Continue reading "Morning excitement and government efficiency ..." »

June 9, 2007

The proposed Immigration Bill ...

President Bush and Congress have tentatively agreed on a new immigration bill that would allow ILLEGAL Immigrants amnesty with fines and a "throwback" condition where illegals would have to return to their home countries (read, Mexico) during the application process. You wanna know what happens when a country doesn't control immigration?

Wounded Knee (by Duke of Pornia)

Just ask the American Indian.

June 7, 2007

Who's WHAT?

My youngest son ... the boy that drives me nuts sometimes ... the smart ass that takes his personality and mouthy genes from his daddy's side of the family ... the son that's going to turn 17 in a mere week ...

dad and ryan (by Duke of Pornia)

Yeah ... that son there. Ryan has just been invited to be published in "Who's Who of American High School Students!" And? He was chosen this week as section leader of the flute section of the band next year! What? Me? Proud? PFFFFFFT!


Okay


maybe just a little, but I'll never tell him that. Congratulations son. I love you. YOU ROCK!!!!!!! (even if you're ...

White and Nerdy (by Duke of Pornia)


... a little "White and Nerdy,") Oh and one more thing ,,, he was selected as Most Improved band member for the 2006-2007 band season. He plays in the jazz and marching bands, (he actually plays flute, piccolo, saxophone, piano, drums, guitar and with himself. Hey! He's a teenager ... cut him some slack!) He also bowls, was in the chess club, has taken French immersion since kindergarten and carries a 3.5 GPA going into next year. He wants to attend McNeese State University on a band scholarship and study Computer Science. I feel a 4.0 future cyber hacker developing in the family. **Sniff** (I'm soooo proud) Maybe he'll let me sleep above the servants quarters when he gets that mansion and Lamborghini he's shooting for in the Bahamas! I am proud of you boy ... just don't fuck it up now. I have faith in you, son. Well done. Take pride in your accomplishments. Just don't get the big head cuz you STILL aren't as smart as Beth Sterling, Mayor of Snark City ... A fact I'm certain she won't let you forget ... anytime soon ... or even the rest of your life! Trust me on this one. Go get em next year and take no prisoners! I'm proud of you. Thanks for being my son.

June 4, 2007

The family that macs together ...

Grim 2 (by Duke of Pornia)

Meet the newest member of the Gunn Family, Grimm Gunn. Isn't he handsome? Grimm is getting ready to mac on all the lady rats that come to happy hour tonight! Grimm is horny,

Grim 1 (by Duke of Pornia)

Grimm has a kernel of corn to eat before happy hour. Grimm is a responsible drinker plus it makes it so much easier to take advantage of the girls if they are the only ones drunk, dontcha know.

Grim 3 (by Duke of Pornia)

Look at my little rat ... his cute little nose and tongue testing the air for scents ... oh and the rodent in my palm is Grimm.

Yeah ... we're just one big, happy family!

May 20, 2007

Ch-ch-changes ...

Soooooooo .... it's been a while since I posted anything, but there really is a good excuse for it. Mrs. Gunn is no longer residing at this location. She moved out May 1, leaving me and the boys here. It has been a trip to say the least. We had a leaky hot water heater that was flooding the garage and the dining room, so we kind of jury-rigged that until the landlord can get over here and fix it properly.
Over the past two weeks, we have totally cleaned the house, gotten situated in our rooms again and basically set up a new life, with new rules and new routines. It has been busy, but very productive around here ... and the stress level has been cut almost to nothing. The only problem I'm really having is that the Mrs. has not called or talked to the boys once since she left. I can understand her not wanting to talk to me and flushing me out of her life but they are her boys and she should at least call in to see how they are. [/rant]
My days have been spent doing laundry, dishes, vacuuming and the rest of the boring shit that makes up real life. I even started getting caught up on the ironing today. It's been amazingly liberating. Seriously!
I also got sick ... not just a cold or something but a bronchial infection that was turning into asthma. I missed about four days of work over two weeks and have been a slug on the others. I finally went to the doctor and she put me on an inhaler, anitibiotics and steroids on top of a steroid shot and a breathing treatment. I really am starting to feel much better although I am still hacking my lungs up occasionally. I'll live I guess.
One thing we have had plenty of is fresh baked goods. I have made pancakes, cakes, cookies and tomorrow it's overnight cinnamon rolls ... YUM YUM! Yeah, I know they sell that shit in a store but I like to bake so shaddup! The non-smoking thing is going well also.
Well, that's my life this month ... I hope to get caught up enough and in a decent enough routine that I can start visiting and posting on a little more regular basis. But like I said, you've all heard that before. Aren't you glad you asked? Now. What's up with you?

She has come by and seen the boys ... has spent a couple of weekends here (not overnights but days.) She said she didn't come by or call in because she couldn't stand seeing me talk to my girlfriend while she was here. That's the reason she left. And she couldn't say goodbye because she couldn't say goodbye to me. That may not seem to make sense, but think about it for a sec and I think you;ll understand. She is not Satan or a total bitch and I didn't mean to portray her as such. If I did, it was simply because divorce is not easy and I apologize.
T.G.

May 1, 2007

Stupid Single Guy ...

confusion (by Duke of Pornia)

Confusion, ancient Oriental wise man, once say "When blogger make no sense, randomosity is created in post." Thus is it written in The Book of Literarians, Chapter 7 verse 16.
1) Okay .. the smoking thing is going okay ... so far, but I'm sure I'll find some way to screw it up.
2) The wife moved out of the house yesterday. She was in tears and didn't even tell me goodbye. She did talk to the boys before she left. I called her to ask where she was and she told me "On my way." I said "Without even saying goodbye?" She cried more, told me she talked to the boys but she couldn't tell me goodbye. Some are surprised that I expect any civility or other normal form of non-hate filled societal behavior and feelings from her. Am I fucking nuts? Am I totally wrong?
3)Third, I wash the dishes prior to putting them in the dishwasher. I don't rinse them off, I basically wash them clean, THEN put them in the dishwasher. They come out covered in oil and grease. Does anybody know what the fuck is going on here? It looks clean on the inside, the water is not backing up, there is no insinkerator or other garbage disposal attached. I need HELP! or ideas at least.
4) If we can figure that out, then I will need help figuring out what the hell is leaking from my fridge. It isn't the overflow tray and there is no ice maker attached, but every couple of days water fills the depression under my crisper drawers and begins leaking out the corner of the fridge.
"For it is given unto those with awesome hand tools and the knowledge of how to use them to help the meek and ungainly figure out what the fuck is happening in their houses." The book of Home Depotians, Chapter 13 Verse 3-6.
Can I get a hand in the air and an "AMEN" from the Home Deposians? Brothers and sisters it has been written that "God helps those who know what the fuck they are doing and deign to share that knowledge with the infirm of mind or experience." Book of Stupidity, Chapter 19, verse 23-30. It's been written, it's been said, now how about giving a tool-less unclean village idiot a hand ... or at least idea. Praise Confusion from whom all blessings flow.
Amen
Now I'm off to chase a few women on the Island of Lesbos. I figure I'm bound to find a few bi-curious members of that stellar society. Wish me luck and remember ...

jesusstk (by Duke of Pornia)

To read more words of wisdom from this venerable eastern sage, (Confusion, not Jesus) click the continue reading button.

Continue reading "Stupid Single Guy ..." »

April 20, 2007

Butt out ...

graphic me

Today? I took my first dose of Chantix. I set my quit date for next Friday. They say I will be done in 12 weeks. We'll see but I am gonna do this. And still? Tommy sans nicotine? Be afraid ... be very afraid.

April 16, 2007

Driving me crazy ...

I gave my two sons driving lessons over the weekend. I ask you? Is it any wonder my hair is going gray?
Goddess Clairol and sister Maybelline, name thy sacrifice to return to me the thick, dark, single color, Sampson-like tresses of my youth.
God of the Airbag, give me strength and patience. Help me as I travel life's highways ... as a passenger ... with a 16 year old in control of a 3,000 pound bullet that still has several payments left on it. Don't blow up in my face at 200 miles per hour because the fruits of my loin are turning up the radio to catch My Chemical Romance's "Welcome to the Black Parade" instead of concentrating on staying as far away from telephone poles as possible.
Protect me from teen drivers who think that they can drive because they've been playing "Need for Speed Underground" on the Playstation 2 for the past six months and "outran at least a thousand cops without getting in a single wreck."
Oh, and world peace would be nice too ... and getting laid. Or at least a blowjob. Just askin' but thy will be done..
Amen

April 10, 2007

Shame ...

I dunno. Maybe it's because I'm on meds now. Maybe it's because I'm getting older and starting to look back on the life I've led. Maybe it's because the goddess feels I have some karmic payments due and she's calling in the bill. Whatever the reason, I've been thinking about a kid I knew in high school. A kid that lived in my housing complex in Alaska. A short, fat kid that never really hurt anyone or did anything wrong that I can remember. A kid that probably looked up to me now that I think about it, but that may just be the fog of memory talking. God knows I was not worthy of anyones adoration or idolization. Hell, I didn't really even deserve any respect at that point in my life. I was a mess.
The kids name was Toby. Don't ask what his last name was and I won't lie and tell you I remember it. He was always just one of the kids on the outside. A hanger-on that wanted to be part of the gang but just wasn't quite cool enough to make the cut. You know the kid I'm talking about. You prolly knew someone like him when you were a kid. You may know someone like that now.
Like I said, he was fat and from the looks of his mom and dad, he was only at the beginning of a lifetime battle with obesity. His dad was a loudmouthed asshole and I couldn't stand him. He was always yelling at someone about something. Always yelling at Toby in front of everybody for some real or imagined infraction Toby had committed. He was a real prick. I guess my feelings toward him kind of rubbed of on Toby. I never cared much for him. Like I said before, not that he ever did anything wrong. He just had the unfortunate luck to be born to a pompous fucktard.
I went up to their door one day and knocked, possibly looking for Toby, I can't really remember. Maybe I was just stoned. No one answered so I tried the door and it was unlocked. I walked in and just ... started going through all their shit. I looked in every drawer, every closet, every room in the house, just looking. I don't know if I actually took anything. If I did, It would have been cigarettes or money ... no real property, but again, I can't remember. I do remember, and it has been haunting me a lot lately, another night where my little episode of breaking and entering was made to look like jaywalking by comparison.
All our parents were officers in the Army. That was our common bond. Officers have shit they are expected to do sometimes, like party together. It's a good morale builder and anyway, lets face it, who really doesn't like a good party? So all our parents were out partying somewhere and wouldn't be back for hours. Somehow we ended up hanging out with Toby. I was whacked out, man. I know I had been drinking and smoking dope and possibly snorting cocaine as well. All I know is that I was fucking twisted! I ended up getting in an argument with Toby. I'm sure it was my smart-ass, riding him, that started it. I'm a real belligerent stoner when I don't give a rat's ass if you exist or not.
I remember stomping back to my house, breaking into my dad's gun cabinet and getting a shotgun, breaking into his workshop and getting a pocket full of spent shell casings and walking back to Toby's house to teach him a lesson.
I ended up forcing him onto his knees and making him put the barrel of the shotgun in his mouth. He was crying and I was lording it up. This poor kid who's only crime was letting me into his house and wanting to be my friend was now totally degraded and weeping because I was making him beg me not to shoot him.
I remember feeling disgusted. I'd like to tell you that I was feeling pangs of regret and disgusted with myself for taking advantage of another human being, but truthfully, the disgust I was feeling was for him. Toby, a pathetic lump of flesh that actually thought I was holding a loaded gun in his mouth and was going to shoot him. A total pussy that didn't even try and fight back. I took the gun out of his mouth, told him that if he told anyone about that night, I'd come back and finish the job, and went home. I never gave it a second thought.
That was 30 years or more ago and I haven't thought about it for a long time. I think for a while, I even forgot about it, but lately it's been preying on my mind ... what I did to the people around me, how I treated others, took advantage of them ... misused them and the friendship they offered.
I'm sorry Toby. I was the pathetic one. I was the pussy. I was the psycho. You were just a good kid that got involved with the wrong guy at the wrong time. You did NOTHING wrong and nothing to deserve that. I wish I knew where to find you to tell you that in person. I know it'll never be enough but I'm truly sorry. I hope life has compensated you for being misused like that and I hope you are happy and successful, where ever you are.
And?

I hope the gods can forgive me now as well. Please?

March 18, 2007

If it weren't for bad luck ...

... they'd have no luck at all. What an ordeal my mom and dad are going through. You remember me telling you about the last time we had all that horrible rain? How my mom and dads house flooded, not once but twice? The good news was that they got all new carpet in the house and did some renovations that had been on the back burner for a while. The house is really looking good.
Well, Josh had been sick since he got back home and they hadn't seen him. Saturday, I loaded up the car and we went over to say hi and just spend some time hanging out. When we walked up to the door, I could hear a vacuum cleaner going. Pretty unusual since mom has a cleaning lady that comes in now and again while she is at work to do that shit for her. (Yeah, must be nice, right? And she calls ME spoiled. Pffft) Anyway, we walk in and the high-heat industrial lights are out and there are two shop vacs going full blast. They got flooded again.
No, we haven't had any bad rain lately. Apparently the cleaning lady has one of those swiffer-type mops with the cleaning chemicals in a bottle on the handle. You know the kind I'm talking about. The last time she left, she put the mop near the water heater. There is a tube that branches off the feed to the water heater that provides water to the automatic ice maker. Well, the chemicals ate through the line and there was water spraying all night long.
That water was spraying right on the water heater as well. It got into the electrical system of the heater and tripped the circuit breaker. When dad woke up, he started cleaning up and went to reset the circuit breaker. As soon as he did, flames exploded from the water heater. I mean shit! WTF? Luckily the fire was under control within minutes and did no damage to the house. Also luckily, the circuit breaker did its job and the house didn't burn down in the middle of the night.
So the end result is, they get a new, energy efficient water heater and dad has the impetus to do the renovations on the utility room he's had planned for a long time. So all's well that ends well, but you just gotta be asking "What's next?" That's how my weekend went. How was yours? Later skaters.

February 17, 2007

My brother is in, I love my son and other crap ...

Well it's been a while again but you all don't really know what's been happening so I'll tell you. I was very depressed in the lead-up to the holidays so I thought I should go see the doctor about it. I did and he diagnosed me and put me on a couple of meds ... an anti depressant and a mood stabilizer. They seem to be working miracles. With the exception of a couple with the wife, I have not had a single blow up since then. I have been spending a lot of time with Ryan and we are really bonding like we haven't in a long time. We really are a lot alike. I think if I were his age, we would be best friends at school. That sounds retarded but I just get that feeling. I checked him out of school Friday to come to work with me. I ditched a little early and took him to get a haircut before his Valentine's Day dance at school. He really looks good and is pretty happy with it ... or so he says! After that we went to the pet store and were looking at ferrets and snakes and lizards ... we may get one of them (not sure which one though) when my wife moves out. Hee!
My brother Kevin was in town today. He is on his way to Shreveport to hit the casino with his girlfriend so I got to spend a couple of hours hanging out with him which was cool. Here is a picture of the Dynamic Duo.

kev and me (by Duke of Pornia)


Looks like Batman (Me) is starting to put on a few pounds. I find that I am getting my appetite back since I started on the new meds. I just have to keep telling myself, Ice Cream is my friend, Ice Cream is my friend! Here are a couple of more pics that I have taken over the past couple of weeks.

My Desk (by Duke of Pornia)


mousepad macro (by Duke of Pornia)
More on Flickr if you're interested. Finally I won another first place award in the Keith L. Ware competition. I also won a third place. I was the only one in the office who won a first place award and that story will now go on to compete at Army wide level. Wish me luck. I'm gonna try and get around to all of your sites soon ... Yeah, where have you heard that before? But I promise I'm gonna try. Have a great rest of your weekend and we'll talk more later. See Ya!

February 12, 2007

Where has my life gone?

Internet, forgive me for I have sinned. It has been eight days since my last confession. Where does the time go? I have been spending a lot of time since Joshua has gone to basic training hanging out with Ryan. It's kinda scary. Everyone has told me my whole life that he is definitely the fruit of my loins. My mom says he is just like me when I was 16 ... well, without the drugs, alcohol and thievery. I'm finding out they were right and it's cracking me up! He's a pretty good kid and I'm proud to have him as a son. It looks like he will be staying with me when his mom moves out. That decision has been made in the past week or so and everyone seems to agree it's for the best.
I am feeling WONDERFUL lately. I'm feeling so good, I don't know what to do with myself in fact. Things are really going well. I appreciate all of your concern. I hate that I haven't been blogging as much lately or getting around to any of your blogs. I hope that will change soon but right now? I'm just having a good time getting to know my son again. I hope you understand. Love ya'll and Happy Valentine's Day!

January 27, 2007

I'm still alive ...

Yeah ... it's been a while since I've posted or been around to anyone's blog. I am alive but haven't had time to breathe, let alone post anything. "Waaaah! and Boo Hoo!" Right? I thought so.
The appointment Monday went well. I really like the guy ... at least so far. I think we're gonna get along just fine but time will tell. I do have a good feeling though. He took me off my old meds and prescribed a couple of new ones and maybe it's just wishful thinking but they do seem to be making a difference already. Again? Time will tell.
Last week was a hell of a week. I had a ton of stuff to do and was gone for two days. I barely got done with everything and this time layout day was a bitch because of me. I apologize to my coworkers for that and promise to do better next week. Pffft!
Joshua got the call. He leaves for basic training Monday so we've been busting our butts trying to get everything he'll need together and spending time together before he leaves. He's excited and I am excited for him.
I am still doing the 365 Days project, even though I haven't been posting lately. Here is one of the pics I took. This proves that some men DO wash their hands after:

bathroomsinkbw (by Duke of Pornia)


And this one is for someone with a hand fetish ... Oh and it's hockey season in case you haven't heard:

Hockeyseason (by Duke of Pornia)


That's about all for now. I'll be back but for the moment, life is just getting in the way. Love Ya'll though and hope your lives and your weekend are going well. Laters

January 21, 2007

365 Days: Day 16

I will get to part two of the last post as soon as I can. I also owe Lime a food meme. I'll get to that too, but I just realized My week is fucked already. It starts Monday with my first shrink appointment. I'm a little nervous about it because it's like looking into the abyss. If he says there is nothing wrong, that means it's me and that scares the shit out of me. Cuz that means I would have to nut up and make some changes. Hopefully, he will have the tools in his arsenal to give me to help facilitate that. All this has inspired my 365 Days project today. I call it "Fuzzy Thinking." Wish me luck Monday ya'll and have a good one your self.

Day 16: Fuzzy Sight (by Duke of Pornia)

January 12, 2007

365 Days: Day 7

refurbised cross (by Duke of Pornia)

My mom called me the other day with an interesting little bit of information. First, a little background for those that don't know this. I wrote a post about some crosses on the road. I really liked the way it turned out so I cleaned it up and submitted it for publication and my editor like it so it got published.
A little while later, I had actually forgotten about it, I got a letter from a mother of a Soldier who had lost her son to a vehicle accident on post. She was touched and wanted to tell me about her son and the cross on the road that memorialized him. It was really an eye opening moment for me. Kinda made me realize that sometimes, what we do really does matter. Addict has a post where she got the same epiphany.
Well, the editor was touched and thought we should do something on it so we ended up publishing (with her permission) the letter and the back story. It was pretty cool but it kind of made me uncomfortable. It felt almost like tooting my own horn and, I know this may be hard for you to believe, I really don't like doing that or feel comfortable with it. I mean, here on the blog when I talk about how I'm hung like a horse, gods gift to women, blogging or any of a hundred different other things, it's all bullshit ... it's a persona. In real life, I'm much happier to just do my job and sit quietly in the background. I am proud when I tell you about awards I've won, but there is still a part of me that says "Fucker please! Do you really need attention that badly?"
Anyway ... one more post on this and I won't bring it up again. Apparently, some of the rescue workers that worked the scene that night remembered and were touched by the woman's story. They asked us for her number and got in touch with her and kind of put some closure to the whole ordeal.
Apparently that wasn't all they did. Mom called and told me that she drove by it and someone mowed around it, repainted it and just fixed it up really nice. It was the firemen and rescue workers. It just amazes me that all this came from a single post that was just a bunch of shit in my head that I vomited onto the screen. Life is funny that way I guess. That story inspired my 365 Days portrait today, so here goes.

365-7a (by Duke of Pornia)

Have a good weekend, ya'll!

January 11, 2007

365 Days: Day 6

working chopped (by Duke of Pornia)

Day 6: Tommy is futzed up! But he'll survive.


Well it's official. Josh was sworn in to the U.S. Air Force today. He just got back from New Orleans and we will go over his contract in the morning to find out what his ass let them talk him into. I'll let you know ... or not ... whatever. Hee! So it's day six and Thursdays are layout day. Today was a bitch but hey, it's over right? Had three stories I had to get done between yesterday and this morning but damn it, I did it. I really need to stop procrastinating ... I think I'll start tomorrow.
I apologize. I am just fucking wiped this evening. Don't tell him but this thing with Josh has been wearing on my mind. I have no problem with him going in the military. I just didn't want him to get screwed so I've been worried about that. And then, there is my mom and sister who are dead set against it. They are sure he's gonna be patrolling Sadr City looking for bad guys with an M-16 strapped to his ass. They mean well but really? They should shut the fuck up and let him live his life. For the past three weeks, I have been bombarded by them wanting to know what I was going to do about this outrage ... this affront to their sensibilities. I really don't understand it. My dad was in the Army for 26 years. Flew helicopters in Vietnam during the war. I served for ten years. Served in the first Gulf War. I don't remember anyone shitting bricks about that. Okay, I know mom was worried sick the whole time dad was in 'Nam. I mean who wouldn't be. But I would say, looking at the big picture, the military has been damned good to us all!
And you know what? The boy is 19 years old. I can't hold his hand. I can't live his life for him. I can't ask him to live his life according to my wishes. He has to be a man and live his life the way he wants to. Make his own mistakes. Know the sweet taste of his victories. Learn what life is all about, grab it by the balls and shake every bit of essence he can out of it. HE was the one that came up with this. He decided that's what he wanted to do and he fucking did it. There was no prompting from me. I didn't guide him. I gave advice when he asked for it and warned him that the recruiters were going to try and get him to do what they wanted him to do. But he went down to New Orleans, got what he wanted and I'm fucking proud of him. It's done. It's over and there is no changing it or turning back now. He is on the verge of a great adventure and I couldn't be prouder. I'm sorry ... it's just been a stressful week and I needed to vent. Thanks for listening. Have a great Friday ya'll!

January 10, 2007

365 Days: Day 5

Yeah ... it disgusts me too. It really makes me feel weak. I quit drinking cold turkey and haven't gone back yet that's been almost six months ago and I really feel good about that. Now if I could just get this monkey off my back, I'd be fine. I'm gonna try ... soon. What am I talking about? Have a look-see:

Smoke Lips (by Duke of Pornia)


Shit. I wouldn't wanna kiss that either. BLEH!

Oh, and this? Cracks my shit up! Reminds me of, well ... me!

c&h (by Duke of Pornia)

January 9, 2007

365 Days: Day 4

First off, If you are a friend of Betchacantguesswho's, go here and then take a minute to say a little prayer won't you?
Okay, today was my 45th birthday. It was great! Thanks to everyone who took the time to make it a good one. I was IM'ed and left an e-card first thing this morning, I got another e-card and a gift certificate to Amazon.com from a special friend and my mom surprised me with a party at her office. She told me she was going to buy me lunch and asked what I wanted. You know? Birthdays really aren't a big deal for me. Haven't been for a long time, so I told her to just pick something. Anything would be fine with me. Well, when I walked into her office at noon, the whole office sang "Happy Birthday" to me, they had a crock pot full of barbecue waiting as well as a cake and a Boston creme pie! Thanks mom!
There were also plans for Duck a L'orange, bacon wrapped asparagus and parsley potatoes for my birthday dinner. Small change in plans. First, both the boys were here so I wasn't alone all night. Second, the asparagus looked like shit and was expensive as hell. Now, I don't mind paying for asparagus or any other fresh vegetable for that matter, but if I'm gonna shell out the ducks (no pun intended), it needs to at least LOOK fresh ... you listening Wal-Mart?
I also changed my mind on the duck preparation. I ended up making Chinatown Steamed and Roasted Duck with parsley potatoes. Damn, it really turned out GOOD! Here's a pic of the finished product before we demolished it.

Le Duck (by Duke of Pornia)


Another thing I got today was my new glasses. I got a call at work that they were in so I went and picked them up. Yeah, I'm definitely 45. My eyes (at least my close vision) have deteriorated over the past year. I am pleased to say, however, that there was no sign of any diabetes-related problems developing inside the eye and, with the new glasses, I see much better. So for today's 365 Days I present you with my new specs!

newspecs2 (by Duke of Pornia)


Sexy huh? Pffft! Have a good one ya'll and thanks again! Laters.

January 5, 2007

Yes, It's Friday and I'm lazy ...

I don't feel like typing and therefore I give you my dulcet tones to convey another episode in the life of our hapless hero ... Sir Thomas of Gunn, Duke of Pornia. Lights! Camera! Action!


Just press the damned button already, huh? Sheesh!


Gabcast! Blog Audio[osts #3 - NO! You're not keeping her and that's FINAL!

Dad is a tough Hombre and what he says, goes. That's it! No Arguments. Really! I'm Serious!

Puppy 1

Love Me! Oh yeah ... and feed me!

January 1, 2007

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Happy New Year

Happy New Year from Tommy's Darkside. Here's hoping it's an ass-tastic one.

December 30, 2006

Happy fucking New Year ..

It seems there is a logging company that has partially dammed up the creek that runs behind my mom and dads house. This was a huge contributor to the flood in their neighborhood during the last big rain. You remember? The one that flooded their house and forced them to get a bunch of new furniture, new carpet and make other flood related repairs? Yeah, that one. Well the good news is they finally got the house finished up and it looks great!
Dad has taken pictures and contacted the police jury to have something done about the logging company and the mess they made and left. The police jury is kind of like a board of county commissioners except they have the power to tax, cite people and the power to enforce the laws and rules they pass. The head of the police jury came out and looked at the area, took pictures and notes on it and has proceeded to duck my dad's phone calls since then. Members of the police jury have also recently been indicted and arrested for corruption. Hey, this is Louisiana where that kind of shit is something a lot of people are proud of! Stupid fuckers.
This is how bad it is here: I read an editorial in the paper the other day that said our current piece of shit governor should pardon Edwin Edwards, the former four-term governor currently serving a prison term for racketeering in the process that brought riverboat gambling to Louisiana.

Edwin Edwards and wife Candy
Edwin Edwards and wife Candy leave a Baton Rouge courtroom during his racketeering trial in 2000

This is from a CNN report located here if you're interested:
Edwards, his son, a state senator and four others were charged with extorting $3 million in bribes and kickbacks from people applying for riverboat casino licenses.
Prosecutors say the extortion scheme began in 1991, when Edwards was out of office, continued through his final term as governor from 1992-1996, and went on after he retired...
During his 1983 gubernatorial campaign, Edwards bragged that the only way he could be defeated would be if he were caught in bed with "either a dead girl or a live boy." He went on to a landslide victory.

Edwin was a card ... all cajun, bigger than life and one of the most popular governors the state has ever known ... but he was a fucking crook! (He was also 72 and married to a 35 year old woman ... a former stripper if I remember right, but I may be wrong on that count. That was about the only thing I found to respect him for. Hee!) The lottery and the riverboats? Yeah, a portion of their profits was supposed to supplement the education system here and help build roads and shit.
You tell me ... in the latest survey you've heard of, where is Louisiana ranked in the country as far as education goes? That's right. We share a dead tie with Mississippi at the bottom of the garbage barrel. Yay riverboats! PFFFT! And have you ever driven here? The roads are the worst in the nation, I swear they are. Where the fuck is the money going? Into the pockets of the power brokers, that's where. Three of our past four insurance commissioners are also in jail. This state writes it's own jokes I tell ya. But I digress.
Last night, we had some hella storms sweep through here. It rained like you couldn't believe! Mom said it woke her up about 2 a.m. Everything was fine when she checked then, but this morning, they woke up with water in the fucking house again. I don't know how bad the damage is but that's not the point. Somebody needs to get off their ass and get this shit taken care of. The flooding hasn't happened in almost 20 years and now suddenly twice in six months? Yeah ... Happy New year mom and dad. Now sue the shit outta someone. Me ... I'm looking to move. I hear Texas is nice this time of year. Happy New Year to you and yours from all of us (me?) here at the Darkside. May it bring you peace prosperity and joy. Amen.

December 26, 2006

I can't believe I'm posting this ...

I really can't believe I'm about to do this. You know I just recently hit the treasure trove when it came to old family pics. Today I received another gift in the form of a CD with about 650 pics of our family (from my mom's side of the family.) I was looking through them and, by God, there are some memories here. This first one is one of the only pics of my mom and dad's wedding day. She was only 16. My dad commented tonight that if that had happened today, he would have been thrown in jail. Oh how the times have changed, huh? They are the couple on the left:

My Mom and Dad

Till death do us part ...


The pic is very degraded but I'm gonna try and repair it if I can. Next is a pic of your humble correspondent at a very early age on my birthday: (this is the part I can't believe I'm posting.)

My Birthday

Happy Birthday to me!


Dontcha just love the hat? Finally, a pic that kind of rips at my guts:

Me and Danna

What happened?


I just can't figure out what happened between then and now. On a good note, when she came over to pick up the boys Christmas Day, she brought her older sister with her. I have always gotten along with her sisters. I love them like they were my own. We hugged (her oldest sister and I) and I told her I loved her. She looked at me and told me she loved me too. I almost lost it. I was so scared she was going to hate me. But she looked at me and said "Don't worry." I did lose it just a bit then and I think she got a little choked up too. That is the one thing I regret most of all ... the estrangement from her family. I hope that in the next year, we can work some of this out. I really miss them.
Well, enough being maudlin. Christmas is over and now it's time to look forward to a new year. The new year will bring a new beginning for me and I can't wait! I'm off the rest of the week and plan on scrubbing the house top to bottom. I hope yours is more exciting. See you tonight for HNT. MWAH!

December 24, 2006

The Gunns go ghetto ...

My tree

Merry Christmas to all ...

The first thing I would like to do is wish all of you the Merriest of Christmases. I hope your holiday is everything you wish it to be and more. I really mean that. No matter how I personally feel about the season, I wouldn't wish ill of anyone so Merry Christmas to you and yours from me and mine.
Now a confession ... you remember a few posts back when I was making fun of a certain establishment for having some really ghetto Christmas decorations? Um, yeah. I guess I should be watching that "Earl" show on Fox because I totally forgot what a bitch Karma can be. "What do you mean Tommy? Those decorations were ghetto!" I hear ya friends and neighbors but before you criticize anyone else, stop and consider the consequences. The universe has a way of evening out the scales and meting out its own brand of poetic justice. What? Don't believe me huh? Well in that case, I submit for your consideration, Exhibit A:

Our presents

Yet again the universe has a laugh at Tommy's expense ...

"WTF is that?" you might be asking yourself? Friends and neighbors, may I present the last of the Gunn Christmas present stash. No, your eyes aren't deceiving you, those presents are indeed wrapped in the finest news fit to print ... well, in pages of the Lake Charles American Press anyway. See, a funny thing happened on the way to Christmas Day.
This is the first year Tommy and Mommy Gunn won't be spending Christmas together. She will be at her parent's house with her family and I will be at my parent's house with mine. The kids will split time between the two households. The wife, in her infinite wisdom (or maybe just to get away from me,) decided to spend the night at her Mom's. She wanted to go to church with her and just didn't feel like driving back home afterwards I guess. Whatever.
When she left, she took the gifts for her family that hadn't yet been wrapped along with the wrapping paper, bows and tape ... ALL the wrapping paper, bows and tape (except for a half roll of double sided tape). Yep, she cleaned me out ... an inkling of things to come, I'm sure. The boys and I spent some time today with my mom and dad and some other family members in town for the holiday. We got home in time to finish OUR wrapping and get to bed so we could be up early tomorrow. That's when we discovered the brains of the outfit had left us high and dry.
"No problem," I tell the boys. "I'll just run down to the store and get a roll and we'll finish up and get to bed." It was only about 8 p.m. .... no sweat! Um ... did I happen to mention I live in Bumfucked, Louisiana? Yeah ... apparently EVERY STORE IN TOWN DECIDED TO CLOSE AT 6 p.m. TODAY! INCLUDING WAL-MART! ARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH! WTF are we gonna do? Adapt, improvise and overcome, that's what by God! So tomorrow we'll walk into the house with newspaper wrapped papers and give everybody a chuckle. And you wonder why I hate Christmas? PFFFT! So anyway, just more proof that God does exist and he has a wicked sense of humor. Karma people ... it's a real bitch, trust me on this one. In other news that is our tree at the top of this post. I will take better pics tomorrow but I'm actually pretty happy how it turned out. We finished up our Christmas shopping yesterday. Josh had to work but the rest of us hit the road to the big city and got 'er done. Thank God. While there, we went to McAllisters Deli for lunch. I had the camera and took a few shots including this one: theguys2 (by Duke of Pornia)

Dad and Ryan goofing around. Do the backward turned hats give us street cred?

There are more on Flickr if you're interested, including some that I have played with in Photoshop. Well that's it for me. Again, Merry Christmas to you and yours. I don't know if I'll be on tomorrow. If not, see ya Tuesday. Peace ya'll.

See ya

December 21, 2006

Off we go ...

... into the wild blue yonder! Flying high, into the sky!

Well, my son has made it official. He is leaving the nest to strike out and make his way in the world. When I picked him up from work tonight, he had an odd bag in his hands. I asked what was in the bag and he proudly whipped out a letter ...






excusing him from work ...






so he could go to New Orleans ...






next Wednesday and Thursday ...






and join the U.S. Air Force.

Air Force Logo

Me: *?*?*?*

Not that there is anything wrong with that. As a ten year veteran of the Air Force, I am proud that he decided to do this. It's just that it was kind of a shock ... IS kind of a shock to realize that this child (man) who once came to me with everything he needed help with is man enough to think about his goals, make up his mind how to achieve those goals and take decisive, proactive steps to get the process underway. And it doesn't bother me a bit that he didn't tell me until the decision was made ... much. Either way, he knows what he wants, he knows what they will try to do to him and he knows that until he signs the contract, he can walk away. I''m proud and I'm nervous for him (but don't tell HIM that. He might start to think I care about him or something. Pffft!) I can't wait to see him off on this next leg of his journey. I'm proud of you Josh. Aim high! I know you'll make us proud of you. Good luck son. I love you but your grandma and aunt are gonna go batshit! Hang tough, cuz you're the man.

December 12, 2006

Sometimes? It really matters ...

A while ago I posted about several crosses I found on the road. (this link is to the original version with all the curse words and other hoo haw that can't go in the paper.) I really liked it and needed a commentary to compete during this year's journalism awards so I cleaned it up and submitted it for publication. It was well received by management and printed in the paper several weeks ago. Little did I know that that commentary would be more than just words on a paper to someone living several states away, but it would. Here's the story behind the story:

cross

Friday, December 8, 2006 Editor's note: In the Nov. 18 Guardian, staff writer (Tommy Gunn) wrote a poignant commentary about the white crosses that pepper the sides of the roads. (Gunn) wondered who those crosses belong to? Who is left in this world to mourn them? Are the crosses forgotten -- weathered by wind, rain and time?
Several weeks later, (Gunn) received a letter from Alabama, from the mother of a young Soldier whose cross is located on Mill Creek Road. The young man died in a vehicle accident. The mother, Tammy (ZZZZZZZ), subscribes to the Guardian because her son died here and it makes her feel closer to him. Reading (Gunn's) commentary, she felt the need to respond and she poured her heart out in a two-page letter.
The letter is filled with a mother's pain, a mother who doesn't want her son's cross forgotten. She wants his name known, and she wants the world to know how much she loved him.
Please be aware that the letter is very emotional. We are printing it because we can help this mother, in a small way, make her son's name known. Amazing how a simple commentary -- a simple act -- can have such a profound impact.

Continue reading "Sometimes? It really matters ..." »

Christmas blehs ...

This is a Christmas decoration at the Sonic Drive in in Alexandria, Louisiana. Note the tape holding the decorations to the wall. I call it "Ghetto Deco":

Ghetto Deco 2

What would your title be?

So, as I sit here listening to the all-Christmas radio station on the internet, the thought crosses my mind ... "Is it so terrible to want Christmas to just ... go away?" We put the tree up finally and some outside decorations and I just don't care. No feeling whatsoever one way or the other. I also couldn't care if I get the first gift or not, although I'm sure there will be something from someone. I walk a thin line this time of year. I don't want to ruin it for the kids, one of which has his first job and is thoroughly enjoying buying presents with his own money. I also don't wanna be around the family and have to put on the happy face or risk ruining their Christmas ... it's just too much damn work. So I sit here and dream of a lovely vacation to the Island of Misfit toys where Christmas is forgotten ... if it hadn't been for that damned meddling Yukon Cornelius and his crew! Hmmm. Wonder how much Aruba is this time of year? Where do you think I should go where there isn't a chance in hell of seeing the first ornament or hearing "ho, ho, ho!"? Where would YOU go to get away from it all? But seriously, Merry Christmas to YOU. You have all made my life richer this past year and for that I wish you the best of seasons. May it be all you want it to be and I truly mean that. Peace

December 8, 2006

It was the goat I tell ya!

White and Nerdy!

(Black and) White and Nerdy ... but that's the way he rolls!

I wrote the post this morning about Ryan and the problems with his eye and how I was a little worried about it. I have the BEST circle of friends ya'll! You responded with good wishes and good luck but one friend in particular went above and beyond. JYBiscuit wrote:

Going out back to get a goat right now. Let me know how well my ritual works. I've been working out some kinks. If your son comes home with three eyes, it's TOTALLY not my fault!

Biscuit? I'm happy to say ... the goat worked baby! YEAH! We got to the doc, filled out the bazillion pages of paperwork signifying that we were going to pay and that we were who we were and that if we didn't pay, our grand children's grandchildren would still be serving indentured servitude for daring to welsh on their extortive demands reasonable office fees. Oh and if any of you get a bill from an eye doctor in Louisiana? It's probably okay to ignore it ... maybe ... unless your grandkids plan on having grandkids ... or you have a kidney that isn't doing anything at the moment. But I digress.
They dilated his eye and sat him in a dark room. The doctor came in and threw some chicken bones in a pattern at his feet, pulled out an idol and alter, lit some incense and began chanting as the torchlight illuminated his retina and ominous drums beat in the distance. He took a cursory peek, told his assistant to go get the vial of chicken blood off his desk and the newt's eye in the file cabinet.
She got back with the supplies and he took a deeper look into his eye. (Here's where the goat comes in.) So he finishes the exam, turns around and with an evil gleam in his eye says the hole we thought might be still there was healed, but not as well as it could be. Also there is a cataract there. He mumbled some words after that in what sounded like Swahili ... or French, I'm not sure. I didn't catch it as I was mentally tallying up the worth of everything I could sell from my dogs to my wife's ovaries to pay for the impending surgery. He must have put some kind of spell on us because it sounded like he said "There's nothing that needs to be done right now. Glasses won't correct it and his good eye sees 20/20 so there's no need. If problems develop, come back in. If not, I'll want to see him in two years to look at it again."
"- - - W.T.F. did he say?" I asked my wife, who simply growled, shook her head and wisely headed for the door.
We got out to the desk, received an appointment for Dec. 8 2008 at 10 a.m. and were ushered out the side door as the next victim patient took their place in the assembly line. THEY DIDN'T EVEN TAKE A COPAY! I'm scared ya'll!
So Biscuit? I looks like the goat worked ... but every since the eye exam, my son has been looking at me funny ... like he's hungry ... and he barks and mutters to himself. Something about "third wave of the apocalypse" and "Zuel the unconquerable." Heh! Crazy teenagers and their crazy talk! Oh, and does anyone know how to get chicken blood out of blue jeans? I think I got a little too close to the altar. Damn!

The eye's had it ...

Eyeball diagram

I'm off today. Last Friday everybody else got off at about 2:30 but I had to stay and cover the Post Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony. That lasted until about 6:30 p.m. so my boss told me to take today off. It's a good thing because I have a very important Doctor's appointment today ... or I should say my son does.
My brain is so addled lately that I don't remember if I told you this so I'll tell you again. When Ryan was 6 or 7, he was diagnosed with a hole in his retina. It was right at the spot where the image comes together and focuses. He had to have surgery to repair it. Part of the recovery process required him to lay face down for about a week (it may have been two, I'm not really sure) while the eye healed from the surgery. He's fucking six years old! How do you think he did? Yeah, not that great.
Fast forward ten years. He is 16 and a Junior in High School. He failed an eye exam given by the school and was referred to an optometrist. Well, the optometrist diagnosed him with a cataract and swelling on the retina of the eye. Either he didn't have the equipment or the skill, or the swelling in the eye prevented him from seeing if the hole was still there. He DID say that glasses wouldn't correct his problems and referred us to a specialist. That's where we are headed in a matter of hours.
I am sure he's going to have to have surgery. The question is, how complicated the procedure will be. I guess we will know in a few hours. To tell you the truth I'm a little worried about it so do me a favor. Whatever juju, good thoughts, prayers or live animal sacrifices you can send up, please think about my boy today and wish us luck. How's he doing you ask? I think he may be a little worried but he's 16 and at 16 you gotta be cool. After the last appointment I was trying to gauge his feelings.

Me: "You know you are probably gonna have to have surgery to repair that?"

Ryan: "Yeah." (***sound of gears turning in head***) "How many days you think I'll get off of school for that?"

Me: - - -

Fucking teenagers ... can't live with 'em, can't sell 'em into white slavery. Pffft!

December 1, 2006

Wow it's the weekend already ...

Fence and Barn

Have a peaceful weekend
It's Friday, December 1, 2006 but you know that because it says so right above this post! Where the fuck has this year gone? Hang on. Before you start rolling your eyes and muttering "Here we go again," this is not a whiney post. I am not pissed off, depressed, Having "a day" or anything else. I'm just kinda vanilla today. It's been a hell of a week. I don't really know why. It hasn't been any harder or worse than any other week on record, but for some reason I am whipped. I mean I'm fucking tired ya'll. I feel like I just dug a ditch the size of the Grand Canyon! Like I've really been busting my ass, but I haven't. I don't know what's got me so worn out. I'm probably not going to be around a lot this weekend, at least not on the computer. I'm gonna take some time to recharge the batteries. Nothing personal and no personal crisis ... I just want to spend some time by myself. Get some rest and relaxation, you know? I've noticed lately that as I'm driving along, in my head, I'm framing pictures of the scenery I'm driving through. I'm visualizing pictures I'd like to take. As a result, I have a ton of shots in mind I want to capture. I think me and my two best friends (that would be my cameras) will hit the road and see if we can't bag some of them. I have a spot that is a perfect place to watch the sun go down. I really want to get a series of shots of our beautiful Louisiana sunsets so maybe I'll spend an hour just sitting and snapping until I get the perfect one. I think I might take a book along too, just in case I get bored. *wink* Shit I'm fucking losing it! Why do you give a fuck about the intricacies of my plans this weekend? You don't unless you're that chick that's been stalking me for the past nine months! (told you I was losing it. A chick stalking me? It is to laugh!) I just want to say, in case I don't see you online this weekend or talk to you on the phone, I hope yours is a good one. Take some time to smell the roses or build a snowman ... or get laid. Whatever! I'll see you on the other side of it. Peace ya'll. I love you guys and gals lots. Talk atcha later.

November 24, 2006

Meet the family Friday ...

Brother, sister and me

Meet my brother Kevin (middle child), my sister Alisa (the baby) and me (oldest and wisest)!

It's Friday and I'm still recovering from yesterday. I was up until 5 a.m. this morning doing some work ... Okay, I was fucking around on the computer and lost track of time ... shaddup! In any case I did tweak my template and got some things done that I had been thinking about for a while.
Most of you will notice no difference at all, but they make me happy. I also replaced my header. I don't know what to think of it. I guess I'm pretty happy with it but I don't know if it will stay long because I have some other ideas in mind. We'll see.
I have a ton of pictures to work on so I'll keep this short. The kids are gone this weekend. My sister took them back to Houston for the All American Rejects concert tonight, the STBX is working so that leaves me to my own devices tonight. I think I'll just kick back and relax a bit.
My dad is a packrat. He keeps everything and the back yard of the house shows it. There are old cars he bought and never got around to fixing, a million old lawnmowers, shit he's scavenged through the years for this project or the other ... and the first bike I ever bought myself. It was a Peugeot racing bike and I bought it with money I earned from a paper route delivering the Anchorage Times. I found it in the weeds yesterday and broke out the macro lens. I know you're getting tired of this shit but it's the phase I'm in right now. Better that than whining about how much life sucks, right? I agree so here are a couple to start off with.

branches and seat

rusty chain

Now go away. I gotta get back to work ... or sleep, whatever.

November 22, 2006

Thankful ...

Sunset

Happy Thanksgiving

I am Thankful for friends. New friends, old friends, friends that offer unconditional love and support. Thank you so much, you know who you are. I am thankful for family. My brother and sister are coming in today and this will be the first time the whole family has been together for the holidays in several years. I thank the gods I don't believe in for allowing that to happen. I am thankful for my children and, yes, even my wife. She is their mother, I am their father, we have been married coming up on 22 years and we will always have that connection in common no matter what happens to us. My kids are my life. I just wish I had been a better father to them as they were growing up. In spite of my failings as a parent, they turned out to be well behaved, well mannered, independent young men. For that I am thankful. I am thankful for love. Love found, love fought over, love lost and love growing. Love makes me feel alive and I am thankful to have known it in the past year. I am thankful for my job. It's a career with a good future ahead of me. I work with some really great people doing important work. Sometimes I forget that and for that I am ashamed. I am thankful for the Soldiers whose stories I tell. For those serving in a cold desert far from family or on a lonely guard post looking into North Korea. They serve for an ideal they believe is worth their lives .. freedom. Thank you for your service I am thankful for my parents. Over the years we have had our differences. I have broken their hearts. But they have always been there every time I needed anything, be it $1,000 or an encouraging word. Thank you mom and dad. I am thankful to be living in the greatest nation on the face of the planet. We squabble, we infight and backbite. We have our problems, but even our poor have a better life than those in 99% of the world. Thank you America for continuing to be the land of opportunity. I know I have been down and morose, bellicose and a general downer lately, but I am thankful today for life. For the ability to get up in the morning and go to work. For health and bountiful plenty. For the ability to feel joy and pain and know that as long as I feel them, I am alive and able to fight another day. It's good to be alive. I am truly thankful today. How about you? Happy Thanksgiving everybody ... with all my love. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going over to mom's and help her with the baking. We got folks coming over!

November 21, 2006

Alive ...

I'm alive and still sober. Look, I don't know what's going on with me. I know the medicine I was taking seemed to be working but I guess it's not ... or at least not like I need it too. I'm depressed, I get angry at the drop of a hat. A look, a perceived slight, I mean anything that happens sets me down that fucking road to self-pitysville and I'm not used to that. I'm the life of the party, the guy that always sees the glass half full, the guy with the easy smile and belly laugh. But it seems that guy went AWOL. I haven't seen him for a couple of months and you can only fake it for so long. (Ever seen "Weekend at Bernies"?)
I was really looking forward to getting some recovery-type shit started with that appointment yesterday and when they canceled it that started the ball rolling. The rest of the day went downhill from that point. I am (internally) on the defensive on a lot of fronts these days and under a great deal of pressure. I brood, obsess, over analyze and generally drive myself fucking nuts. Sometimes shit just gets into my head and grows and grows until I feel it leaking out my ears and nose. I'm also dealing with the demise of two relationships. One of which absolutely decimated me. I feel like a knife has been shoved in my guts and they are spilling out all over my shoes. Sometimes thinking about that makes me want to fucking just give up. I mean, really? What's the point.
Most of the time, I feel I don't have anyplace to turn, anyone to talk to or anyway to get rid of these feelings and that just adds to the depression. I know friends tire of it. I mean seriously, who wants to continually hear about my problems? I doubt I'd be stopping by, IMing or reading me either if I were subjected to the pile of shit that seems to rule my conversations and waking thoughts right now. I know what I have to do. I have to nut up, grow up and get the fuck over it. I'm trying but it isn't easy. Apparently I'm not as strong as I thought I was. "Welcome to being grown ups," right?
I don't mean to scare or worry anybody. I'm not gonna drink or hurt myself. I don't mean to depress you or run you off either. I appreciate those that did contact me and offered their concern, advice and encouragement. You'll never really understand what that means to me. Thank you.
This shit storm, too shall pass and one day I'll be better. Until then you should probably stay away or buckle up cause it could be a fairly bi-polar ride. Just giving you fair warning.

road kill raccoon

Just feeling like roadkill ... mmmmm gumbo!

November 20, 2006

Cancelled and rescheduled ...

I called to get directions to my doctor's appointment this morning (it's in another city about an hour or so drive from here.) I get ahold of the receptionist and tell her my name and who my appointment is with. Before I can get to the directions part, she informs me that doctor fucking Freud will not be coming in today. She's sorry, but they tried to call me on my cell phone to tell me about it, unfortunately the cell was not accepting phone calls. Don't even ask me about that. Suffice it to say that I was a drunk at one time who couldn't be trusted with a debit/credit card or the checkbook. Alternate monetary arrangements were made, arrangements I thought would be fine even through the divorce. I was wrong and am paying for it. Sorry, I know. Way TMI but fuck it, I'm pissed.
The earliest Dr. Freudenstein could reschedule me was late January. I don't know if I'm gonna make it through the holidays. I feel like my fucking head is gonna explode like Gene Simmons' in "To Live and Die in LA." I was really looking forward to this appointment and just feel like the bottom has fallen out. I'm barely hanging on. I feel like Beetle fucking Baily hanging off the cliff holding on to that thin, weak-assed little branch. I have taken Wednesday through Nov. 26 off and may not be around much. I haven't decided. I seriously just wanna throw in the fucking towel ya'll. I just need to get the fuck away.
Oh, and apparently on top of everything else, I'm not a shameless, hard core flirt. I'm a lying, manipulative, skirt chasing whore without an ounce of moral fortitude in my body. Just thought you might like to know before you decide to get close. I'm tired. I'm going for a long drive. See ya whenever.

berries with mask

Fuck it

November 17, 2006

Why's it gotta be so ...

Wild Flowers

Complicated

by Carolyn Dawn Johnson

I'm so scared that the way I feel,
Is written all over my face.
When you walk into the room,
I wanna find a hiding place.
We used to laugh, we used to hug,
the way that old friends do.
But now, a smile and a touch of your hand,
Just makes me come unglued.
Such a contradiction, do I lie or tell the truth.
Is it fact or fiction,
Oh the way I feel for you.

So complicated, I'm so frustrated.
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay.
Should I say it? Should I tell you how I feel?
Oh, I want you to know.
But then again, I don't. It's so complicated.

Oh..just when I think I'm under control.
I think I finally got a grip.
Another friend tells me that,
My name is always on your lips.
They say I'm more than just a friend,
they say I must be blind.
Well, I admit that I've seen you watch me
from the corner of your eye.
Oh, It's so confusing. I wish you'd just confess.
But think of what I'd be losing,
if your answer wasn't yes.

So complicated I'm so frustrated,
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay.
Should I say it, should I tell you how I feel.
Oh I want you to know, but then again I don't, It's so complicated.

Oh, I hate it. 'Cuz I've waited.
So long for someone like you
Oh, what do I do.
Oh should I say it.
Should I tell you how I feel.
I want you to know,but then again I don't.
It's so complicated..
It's so complicated..
It's so complicated.
Ohh..

November 11, 2006

I have hit the treasure trove!

First off, I successfully accomplished the backup and reinstall of Windows last night. Yeah I was only up until about 4 (okay 6) a.m. (shaddup. Like you never got obsessed over anything in YOUR perfect life! Pffft) Everything seems to be working well (fingers crossed) and I am pretty happy with the result so far. I'll let you know.
I went over to my parents house yesterday. I seem to spend a lot more time with them lately and it's quality time ... adult time ... good times. Believe me, I'm as shocked as you are. I never thought I would hear those words coming out of my mouth either.
I told you their house flooded in the last torrential rain we had ... the first time in over a decade that's happened. Well it seems there is a logging company doing some clearing down stream from where the creek that flooded crosses their property. Apparently, the company has done something to block or restrict the creek, which was a contributing factor to the flooding that took place. My parents weren't the only house that got flooded so he and the neighbors are going to talk it over, take some pictures, call the police jury (our local governing body. Kinda like the county supervisors or something.) and have them come out and look at it and if they believe the logging company is at fault, possibly sue them. That's something, because my dad doesn't really believe in suing at the drop of a hat.
I went over there though and their bedroom had to be moved into the living room, the living room is now in the dining room, the floors have been stripped down to the concrete, baseboards and other things are having to be replaced .. it's a mess. If somebody besides Mother Nature is responsible, then I guess he should be able to get them to pay for the damages.
But the treasure trove ... Sorry, I got sidetracked there for a second. I found a ton of photo albums from the time they got married and the decade after. It was like stepping into another world, ya'll! It's a huge project I'm taking on but I am going to scan all those pictures in and save them. I can't wait to get started. You can't believe the shit that's in there ... pictures my dad took when he was in Korea and Japan, pictures of their early life together ... they even have a fucking branch from their first Christmas tree. I laughed my ass off!! My dad ... a sentimental girly man. (Shaddup, I just got something in my eyes. I wasn't crying. Pffft!) So all is well and I am reminiscing today. I can't believe I am showing you this, but this was one of the pictures I found. I present to you ...

The Young Gunn!

The Young Gunn!

In the words of The Church Lady, "Isn't that special?" Now shaddup and have a good weekend. Tommy out.

November 9, 2006

Veteran's Day: The story of a Soldier.

It's Friday, November 10, Veteran's Day and I have the day off. Actually, I have the whole weekend off including Monday. Can I get an "amen" from the choir? Can you say Hallelujah brothers and sisters? The weekend is here! But I digress.

I don't know if I've ever told you this or not, but the military has been the most consistent thing in my life. I don't know about my grandpa, I'm almost ashamed to say I never asked, but there are a lot of things I didn't ask about his life including what he was like, what he did, as a young man.
I do know about my dad however.

My dad was born in a small town called Broaddus in East Texas. He had a pretty hard life. His dad, my grandfather, was a real, honest-to-God cowboy. He made his living punching cows and doing those other things cowboys did. His mother died of cancer when he was 16. But even though they were simple country folks for the most part, my grandma instilled in my father a love of reading. You see, even if they didn't have a lot or couldn't go anywhere, a vacation or adventure was as close as a good book.

My dad grew up reading Zane Gray westerns, the adventures of Jack London that took place in the great white north, Rudyard Kipling's tales of India and other books that piqued his imagination and took him to exotic locales on great adventures.

Pa Paw, Lilly, Dad and Mike

Continue reading "Veteran's Day: The story of a Soldier." »

November 6, 2006

Life and everything else ...

Through the Trees
Warning: Long fucking post. Grab your coffee and take a piss before reading.

I've been thinking a lot about life lately. I think it's the things I've been going through that have put me in a mood to think about where I've been, where I'm at and where I'm going. The divorce, another relationship that is still kinda rocky at times and the fact that I'm not where I want to be right now in my personal or professional life.
I'm not perfect. I know that comes as a shock to you all, but it's true. I got into drugs at an early age. I ran away and broke my parents hearts more than once (or five times.) I got kicked out of public high school in my 11th grade year. I spent time in jail for stealing a car. It was a ... shall we just say, rough start to a life. I mean I was honestly the kid your parents warned you about.
My dad was in the Army and so every couple of years we would be uprooted and find ourselves the new fucking kids on the block again, in a new school, a new neighborhood and having to make new friends.

Continue reading "Life and everything else ..." »

November 1, 2006

Why do I feel so old ...

My baby boy

Because today, my baby boy (who at last check was 6'2" tall and had more hair on his legs than anyone in the family, well except his mom maybe) turns 19 years old. Who the fuck is responsible for letting that one slip by? I want their head on a platter! Didn't anybody tell him he was supposed to stay 7 years old for life? Fucktards. Happy Birthday Josh. You are in college now, you have a job, you are polite and you keep your room clean without being bugged about it. I'm proud of the man you are becoming and I love you too much to put into words. May today be the first day of the rest of your life and may everything you wish for come true ... except for that getting laid thing. You're still not allowed to do that. Other than that though, anything goes.
Love,
Dad

vampskull3

See what he did to me?

October 30, 2006

Good and bad news ...

Just found out I wasn't selected for that job I applied for in Irving, Tx. Bad news for me but I'm sure it makes a couple of people very happy. Sometimes it doesn't seem like I can buy a fucking break. Again karma coming back to bite me in the ass ... well either that or God just hates me and has it in for me. Sorry I'm such a fucking whiny bitch but that's the way this makes me feel. Ah, fuck it. I'll be better tomorrow or the next day. Happy Halloween ya'll.

October 29, 2006

My Saturday: The good, the bad, the ugly ...

Mother and Son


I was the only one home today. Wife and son 1 had to work and son 2 had a band festival out of town. So I decided to head to my old hometown for a little retail therapy. I went to Books-a-Million and got the next two installments of the Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter series by Laurell K. Hamilton.
From there it was on to Bed, Bath and Beyond where I picked up a few odds and ends. I got a silicone loaf pan (I have the silicone muffin pan and it ROCKS! I'm gonna make some bread to(day)morrow just to try it out. I'll let you know.) I also got a triple timer, a candy thermometer and some new measuring spoons. God! I'm moist just thinking about it. (I know I'm fucking weird ... deal with it.) I am going to be making a cheesecake and some peanut (actually, pecan) brittle to(day)morrow as well. I'll have a report later.


Couple of things on the home front (like you give a shit.) The future ex told me the other day that she really wished I'd find someone soon and get out of her hair. Couldn't wait until it happened in fact. Don't know what to think about that but ... whatever. If that's the way she wants it.
Also found out my 16 year old discovered her password and is going into her Yahoo and AOL accounts reading her e-mails and IM archives trying to find out what is going on with her and a "friend" she has been talking to on the internet. She has met this 'friend'. He was in our area on business and made a special side-trip here just to spend a little time with her.
I have to admit something and I know it's wrong, but there is a small part of me that gets a little pleasure out of that. On two separate occasions she has snooped through my e-mails and personal stuff looking for evidence of wrong doing. Yeah, she found it both times but still there is a part of me that feels like saying: "See mother fucker? Now YOU know what it feels like to have someone snooping in your shit!" But that is petty and wrong and I can't justify or excuse his actions toward her no matter what she has done in the past.
My son is so pissed at her! They can't even talk. They always end up screaming at each other. He thinks she is being a hypocrite by lying to him about her relationship with her buddy (he says that it's obvious from her e-mails that they are more than just friends) and then demanding that he be forthright and honest with her about stuff. He is so pissed at her, he won't hardly stay in the same room with her.
It doesn't help, of course, that she was looking for a pair of tweezers in his room a few weeks ago and found (and read) a private note from his GF to him. She called him on some of the stuff in the letter and the fight was on. It was right after that when he started reading her shit. Tit for tat kinda.
I don't know what to think about that either. On the one hand, she is his mother and as such has the right to go through his room. On the other hand, She should only do that if there is reason to suspect he is doing something wrong or that will get him in trouble ... harm him in some way. If she didn't suspect anything and there was no outward sign of trouble, he does have a right to some privacy. As far as I know, there was no valid reason for her to read the note other than she is his mother, helps pay the rent and believes that gives her the right to do it.
They were fighting about that tonight, really fighting. He screamed at her at one point "That note didn't look anything like a pair of tweezers!" and he's right. But really? I have to side with his mom whenever it gets to the point of disrespect towards her. I try and play referee, letting them go at it but stepping in if it gets out of hand. I also play peace maker by separating them and talking to them individually, trying to get them calmed down and talking to each other like adults.
You see, I understand what he is saying. It would be the same thing as me telling him that stealing is wrong and then shoplifting in front of him when we go to Wal-Mart.
He is convinced that she and her friend are BF/GF and that she is making plans to move to the west coast to be with him. He feels disrespected by being held to a standard (having to tell the truth and be honest with her) that he feels she is ignoring herself (by insisting the two of them are nothing more than friends even though he insists he has read letters and conversations that tell a different story.) I don't know what the truth is because I have never looked for myself. All I know is what the two of them tell me about the "evidence" and they tell different stories. I can't tell you what the truth is.)
He doesn't want to move again and says he won't. Especially if it's so she can marry or take up with another man. He is pissed at her, she is pissed at him and I am left stuck in the middle worrying that when the time comes and I am not around, she is going to lose him. I don't see how they can continue the way they are going. It's almost like they hate each other and it scares me to death. It doesn't help that he has the same personality traits that my genes imprinted on him. Even his grandmother says he is just like me when I was that age (minus the drugs, truancy, shoplifting, smoking, drinking and other really nasty habits.)
It worries me that he seems to have lost all respect for her and doesn't want anything to do with her or her "friend." I would let him live with me if he chose but I may be moving to Dallas soon and even though I'm not doing it to marry or take up with another woman, it would still mean a move and that is just despicable to him.
I don't know what his choosing to come with me would do to his mother either. I think it would kill her to lose her marriage and then her son too and I KNOW that is the way she would take it. The answer is probably counseling for the whole freaking lot of us but there is hardly money in the budget for that. I don't know what the solution is but something has to be done ... and soon. I just hope the anger, distrust and hatred have not caused irreparable harm to their relationship.
I wish I could turn the clock back and make all of this better ... make it go away. But I can't. Maybe it's the realization that the marriage is really and truly over ... there is no repair possible, no do-overs, mulligans or reconciliation ... but we are finally admitting, finally coming to understand that after 21 years of marriage, 26 years of being together, there are still many ways that we are strangers to each other. We are coming to the conclusion (or at least I am) that we have both been pretending everything was fine just to stay together and keep the peace. We've been lying to each other and acting like nothing was wrong. Or maybe it was just me. Maybe she had no clue that anything was wrong. Whatever the case, it almost worked ... almost.
What's the solution? Where do we go from here? I don't know. I feel like I'm adrift in a fog with sharks surrounding the raft and there's a big, leaky hole in the bottom letting in water faster than I can bail it out.
I don't want to be at work but I don't want to be at home, I don't want to be around other people but I don't want to be alone, I don't want to see my son and my wife at each others throats anymore, I don't wanna die a little more each day knowing that she's falling in love with him and he's falling in love with her, I don't wanna hurt anymore knowing that I could have had it all but fucked it up beyond repair, I don't wanna hurt anyone else ... ever, I don't want to think, I don't want to feel, I don't want to be. I just want to disappear.

October 25, 2006

All I want ...

Road Flower


The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.


This touches my heart and so have all of you today. I appreciate all your words even if I don't feel like I deserve them. You only know part of the story behind yesterday's post. There is much more that I can't and won't share and I'm not proud of it at all.
You see that last stanza up there? Right now my answer is "No!" and I don't know if or when it will ever be yes again.
To You: I know you'll never believe it, but I never meant to hurt you and I'm sorry that I did. Thanks for the good times we shared and I hope you have a great life. Even after all that's happened between us, I still honestly believe you deserve that and wish it for you. Maybe now that I'm gone, you'll finally be able to achieve it.
Love,
Me

October 24, 2006

Future Plans and Karma ...

Duff Goldman

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this or not but I love to cook. I am a total foodie. I couldn't tell you what happened on Grey's Anatomy or NCIS last week, two shows I really do love, but I can tell you what Alton Brown cooked for the last five days. That's right, I'm admitting it. Most of the time, my television is on the Food Network. I also have an unquenchable desire to learn and better myself. I started college at the tender age of 34. That was ten years ago. I graduated at the age of 40. Now of course I had a full time job and a family I was trying to provide for at the time. I have the distinct honor of being the first member of my family to graduate college ... ever! I am very proud of that but I want more. I want to get a Master's degree so bad I can taste it. I don't really know in what yet, but I want one and I am going to get one. The only thing I would be able to get here in Hicktown is a degree in Military History (yeah, there is a HUGE demand for those folks, right?) or business. The history degree actually would be something I enjoy but I just don't think the military part would do me much good in the job market and I really am not a businessman. I am kind of an artsy-fartsy kinda guy. Don't get me wrong. I could do it and do it well! I just don't think I would enjoy it and if that's the case ... why bother. Life is just too fucking short if you know what I mean.

warning: What follows is long and gets very deep and personal. I really get emotionally nekkid. Toward the end of this post you may get pissed off and some of you may not want to know me or have me as a friend anymore. If that's the way it ends up, that's okay. I'm a big boy and can handle it. Just don't say you haven't been warned.

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October 22, 2006

A.D.D. is a terrible thing ...

My Bobbleheads


So apparently my problem is A.D.D. or A.D.H.D. Let me explain. I have been making an attempt to blog something at least every other day. Last week, I hit a stride where I was posting every DAY. It felt pretty good. Yesterday comes and I have this great post planned out. It was random crap and I notice that I'm doing more of those lately so I created a new category for it. Well, I had a question and hit the help menu on my publishing platform only to get a 404 error. This kinda pissed me off! I did some detective work and saw that somehow the help documentation didn't get downloaded when I initially installed the system. So I immediately start a search and rescue mission to see if I didn't just put it in the wrong place. I didn't. It looked like I didn't have it anywhere so I got on the website of the provider to see if the file was downloadable. While there I remembered (mainly because I ran across a page that mentioned it) that my publishing platform had an upgrade that I needed to install. So off I go, downloading, unzipping and trying to remember how I did the last upgrade. I mean there are over 1300 files in the upgrade and I don't wanna replace them manually. I'm a busy man, I have a post to write for you fabulous people after all. What do they say? When in doubt, read the instructions. So I'm reading the installation instructions to see if I can't figure it out and flipping back and forth between windows and realize that one of my plugins isn't working anymore. So I do some investigation and can't find anything wrong. I guess it just doesn't work with the upgrade (the last upgrade. I still haven't figured out how to install the latest upgrade yet.) So I'm surfing the plugin library and dicking around in my publisher to see if I can get it to work or at least add some more "gee whiz" shit to improve my blog when a window pops up that says McAfee has found a suspicious file and I should run a scan. I run the scan and while that is going on I remember that I wanted to get a registry cleaner to take care of some maintenance on the laptop. Off I go to google some free registry cleaners, which reminded me of an article I had read by a computer columnist that made some recommendations on this very subject! I finally found the article and she had links to all the recomendations so I downloaded a bunch of them. I ran those scans and got my registry shit cleaned up a bit and was happy about that. So I decided to utilize my free music downloads from Walmart for buying 12-packs of Coke products. (two songs per 12 pack and I had four 12 packs in the garage. Shit that's almost a CD ya'll!) Of course that involves downloading and installing yet another program. I am doing that and at the same time trying to do some organization of my files. See I have this 160 gig hard drive that I use for storage and hadn't organized anything in a while. I finally got that taken care of and was pretty happy. In the midst of all this, I inadvertently open up my browser which is open to my Bloglines page. (It's a great service. If you surf a lot of blogs, it would be worth looking into.). Well damn! I see some of you have posted and I start reading. Reading leads to following links and before I know it, I'm thinking about entering a photo contest I saw by following one of the links. My ass is asleep ( you laugh but literally ... my gluteus maximus is tingling) so I get up, grab the tripod, fire up the camera and embark on a quest for some awesome macro photographs that will win me millions of dollars and allow me to quit work and blog full time and get little Timmy that operation he needs so badly. (The top pic is one of them. See the continuation for more pics.) I'm taking pictures and my computer lets me know that Adaware has finished its scan. I give up the photograhy and get back down to the computer. Well, one thing led to another and I ended up surfing again and following more links and just happen to realize that it's awful quiet in the house. I look up at the clock and then back down at the screen. I see I've been surfing porn for the past hour or so and never commented on the posts I read. SHIT! I go back and comment on some of them. The original virus scan finally finishes and tells me the suspicious file is ... (are you ready?) freaking Limewire. All that worry for nothing. Of course by the time I remembered my original plan was to post a brilliant post that would keep you laughing and talking around the water cooler all week, It was 3 a.m. and I forgot what the fuck I was going to blog about anyway. I decided to call it a night and head to bed. So you tell me ... A.D.D. or A.D.H.D or am I just nucking futz? I know what I'd put my money on if I were a betting man. Today is another day though and it's a good one so far. Yesterday's rain turned into today's sunshine and much cooler weather. So far, I've made an orange cheesecake from scratch, the Houston Texans beat the Jacksonville Jaguars and most importantly of all, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers beat the Philadelphia Eagles! Life is good. Now I'm off to see if my kid knows a kid who knows someone that can get me some cheap Ritalin. How was your weekend?

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October 20, 2006

Where everybody knows your name ...

Barbershop 1

I went and got my haircut today. Not a big deal really. I usually get it cut pretty short when I do get it cut. This serves a dual purpose. First, it's easy to take care of. Just a quick wash in the shower, run a towel and brush through it and hit the road. Secondly, it means I don't have to get it cut but maybe every month to six weeks. Yeah, I'm all about saving the money for important shit like ... well, just important shit. Know what I mean? BIlly's Barber Shop has been the shop as long as I can remember. Everybody who is anybody in town knows him and gets their hair cut there. It's not a salon or some fru-fru place. They don't do mani-pedis while you get your hair cut. You can't buy Paul Mitchell products there. What you can get there is a good haircut at a decent price and all the talk you can swap back and forth about every thing from the Wampus Cat's chances this weekend to the War in Iraq or Pluto being stripped of planetary status. A real honest to God, country style barber shop.

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October 16, 2006

When the rain comes ...

It has been raining all day and is expected to rain all night as well. Every street is flooded and creeks are overflowing their banks. My mom called a while ago and the only place they don't have water in the house is the living room. There have been tornado watches (not warnings, watches) and the electricity has flickered on and off all day. I'm getting tired of resetting alarm clocks. Ya'll might wanna think about sending in life jackets and life rafts. I'm gonna brave the woods with my trusty axe and start building the ark ... I'm sure we'll need it soon. Don't believe me? Here is photographic evidence. Yeah it doesn't look that bad but consider this ... we are on the HIGH ground. HELP!

Front yard


Back yard

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October 6, 2006

Crosses on the Road ...

crosses

Almost every day on the way home from work, I take this road that bypasses the heart of the town I live in. It's a nice drive -- rural, light traffic, peaceful and no red lights. That's why I take it. On the outskirts of my town, we have a paper mill. That means log trucks all over the place coming and going to the mill, dropping off loads of trees for processing. This road is one of the main entrances to the plant so it is heavily travelled by these big behemoths, many of whom are ... well, lets just say interpreting the speed limit in a different way than I do. Okay? Okay!
About the halfway point in the shortcut, there is a small bridge over a tiny creek. On the hillside next to the bridge, in the shade of several unruly, bushy shrubs are a trio of crosses. I don't know how it is where you come from, but in Louisiana, some families put crosses on the roadside where family members or friends have died. They can be simple or ornate but most fall somewhere in between. The families keep them up usually as a form of rememberance. Hell, I have even seen some that were permanent shrines with rock gardens and those plant/flower-holder thingies you see next to headstones in cemeteries!

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October 3, 2006

Who the eff do you think you're dealing with?

Gator Bait!

So, I come home from work yesterday to an empty house. Not really a big deal as that happens quite frequently these days. Oldest son is feeding the economy, working at Wally-Mart and youngest is usually feeding his hormones (don't even get me started) with his GF somewhere. He has been hanging out with her lately and not calling, checking in or even telling anyone where he's at. He usually shows up (hungry, like I'm a fucking short order cook. HA!) about 8:30 p.m. This has been pissing me off so I told him he better be home when I got home from then on ... 6 p.m. at the latest. Yesterday I walk through the door and holler. No answer. I make my way to his bedroom. The door is locked but I can hear that the T.V. is on. I beat on the door and beat on the door. Still? No answer. I walk outside and check his window. It's unlocked so I slide it up and take a look around ... no son. My blood pressure hits the fucking ceiling and I am pissed! So I head back into the living room and continue reading my Anita Blake, vampire hunter novel, stewing in my own juices all the while. About 8:20 p.m., I hear the door open and here he comes, shirt off, rubbing his eyes. "So what's up?" I ask innocently. "Nuttin. I took a Tylenol PM and fell asleep." he lies without missing a beat. Luckily, in Louisiana, the decaying bodies buried in the swamp usually attract alligators so there shouldn't be any evidence left. Now I just need someone to take his place in the band so he won't be missed. Must be proficient at piccolo, flute, sax and piano. Good benefits with a great retirement plan. Fucking liars need not apply. Applications will be taken through the end of the week so get those resumes in order and show me what you got. Here's a little something to listen to while you get that paperwork in order.

Blue October
Hate Me

September 29, 2006

Meh! Friday ...

A rose is a rose is a ...


Friday is here and I have a list of 1000 things I need to do. DO you ever get in a mood where you just don't wanna do a damn thing? That's the kind of mood I'm in. I need to be paying some bills (that I'll HAVE to do whether I feel like it or not,) I have a college paper that needs finishing up ... like yesterday, I need to go shopping for some new jeans ... the list just seems endless and yet here I sit blogging. I don't wanna be at work, I don't wanna go home ... I just feel like sitting around and being a philosophizing, whiny bitch today. Don't say I didn't warn you.

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September 25, 2006

Monday, Monday ...

edit: God, I hope I'm not jinxing myself by telling ya'll this, but I just found out that I made it through the first cut for the job I applied for. That doesn't mean I'm gonna get it ... just that I'm qualified and being considered for it. I would appreciate any good thoughts/vibes/voodoo chants/animal sacrifices or other supplications to the gods/goddesses you could offer on my behalf. Thanks ya'll. Here's hoping for good news!
Just a few things. I weighed myself the other day and have lost another 10 pounds. I am down to 190. Now that may sound like "So What!" but it's a pretty big deal for me. I haven't weighed less than 200 pounds since I got out of Army basic training back in 1982. So with this new weight loss, I decided I needed to see about getting some new jeans. I headed to Wally-Mart and tried on a few pair of Levis. I walked in wearing jeans with a 38 waist. The jeans I fit into were size 30! I couldn't fucking believe it ya'll! I knew I was getting thin but dayumn! I think I will buy a pair of 32's however. They fit well and I wouldn't wanna be responsible for the lawsuits that would eventually come after women driving the highways got wet, got distracted and caused a huge pileup after seeing my tight little ass! (ok, it's not really tight or little, but it's littler and tighter than it used to be! WOOT!)
Second, we heard all summer about the price of gas being high and staying high for ever. You couldn't turn on the radio or TV without hearing something about it. Today gas in the Bayou State is at $2.21 per gallon. Where are all the fucking news reports about that? I mean Jesus! That's news! And some Texas friends tell me it's $2.05 over there! (thanks for rubbing it in asshat! Yeah I mean you!) Can it possibly go under $2.00 soon? Time will tell.
Third, I got the dress code changed at work today all by my lonesome! I went out and covered a deployment ceremony for a unit heading to Iraq today and I wore *gasp* jeans to work! OH THE HUMANITY! They weren't ragged or dirty. They were Calvin fucking Kliens for gods sake and I wore a collared, button up shirt with it. Long story short? We aren't allowed to wear jeans to work anymore and it's all my fault. Yeah I'm real popular with the guys and gals at work right now. Fucking rule making fucktards are out to ruin my life. It's prolly cuz I look so damned good. Did I mention that I've lost 41 pounds now? Cuz I have.
Fourth, It was 59 degrees when I woke up this morning and the high was only in the low 80s today with clear, blue skies and tons of mild sunshine. Is it perverse to get a hard on and stain my jeans because of the weather? I think not!
Finally, I told you guys about this song a while ago and posted the lyrics. Here it is if you wanna give it a listen. I don't really play Musical Monday but it kinda fits my mood today. Enjoy ...

Jo Dee Messina and Tim McGraw.
Bring on the Rain

September 18, 2006

Ain't gonna smoke dope ...

with Willie No More. In case you haven't heard, the quintessential poster boy for cannabis usage until death got busted today on I-10 near Breaux Bridge, LA.

willie3

FROM THE ASSOCIATED PRESS LAFAYETTE, Louisiana (AP) -- Willie Nelson and four others were issued misdemeanor citations for possession of narcotic mushrooms and marijuana after a traffic stop Monday morning on a Louisiana highway, state police said. The citations were issued after a commercial vehicle inspection of the country music star's tour bus, state police said in a news release. "When the door was opened and the trooper began to speak to the driver, he smelled the strong odor of marijuana," the news release said. A search of the bus produced 11/2 pounds of marijuana and 0.2 pounds of narcotic mushrooms, according to state police. A call to Nelson's publicist wasn't immediately returned. Also cited were Tony Sizemore, 59, of St. Cloud, Florida; Bobbie Nelson, 75, of Briarcliff, Texas; Gates Moore, 54, of Austin, Texas; and David Anderson, 50, of Dallas, Texas. Each was released after being issued a citation. Nelson, 73, has recorded songs including "On the Road Again" and "City of New Orleans."

So in honor of my hero being given a slap on the wrist when I would have ended up UNDER the jail, I present you Toby Keith's "Weed With Willie." Pass that fucker baby!

I always heard that his herb was top shelf Lord I just could not wait to find out for myself. Well don't knock it till you've tried it. And I've tried it my friend. I'll never smoke Weed with willie again!

Now we learned a hard lesson in a small Texas town
He fired up a fat boy and he passed it around
The last words I spoke before they tucked me in
I may discount Bungee jump but,
I'll never smoke weed with Willie again.

[Chorus:]
I'll never smoke weed with Willie again
My party's all over before it begins
You can pour me some Old Whiskey River my friend.
But I'll never smoke weed with Willie again

We hopped on his old bus the Honeysuckel Rose
The party was Huntsville, it was after the show
Alone in the front lounge, just me and him
I took one friendly puff and the grim creeper set in

[Chorus]

Now we're passin' the guitar, we're tellin' good jokes
I can tell one's a comin' 'cause I'm smellin' smoke
No I do not partake I just let it pass by
With a grin on my face and a great contact high

[Chorus]

In the fetal position with drool on my chin
We broke down and smoked weed with Willie again


September 10, 2006

Courage and grace in the face of adversity ...

It takes a lot to really impress me. I have known a lot of people who have done a lot of great things. In the course of my life I have interviewed mayors, sheriffs, congressmen, senators, war heros and many more "great" people. They were impressive but not nearly as impressive to me as a fellow blogger who has become a great friend.
Beth over at Queen of Ass is that friend. If you know her, you know some of her story if not you can read her archives (believe me, they are worth your time.) She is the strongest woman I know. She has done more with her life than a lot of people I know and has done so while dealing with circumstances that would leave most people lying in the corner in a fetal position sucking their thumbs and blubbering incoherently. Beth has Lupus and has had for the past several years. She blogs about it occasionally but most of the time she is just funny, snarky, sexy, intelligent and witty. She is always a good read and I highly recommend her blog.
Beth is also a hell of a photographer who was recently selected for publication in a calendar. She has decided that for the rest of the month, she is going to do something to raise money for the Lupus foundation. She is offering her photographs for sale with all profits going to the fight against Lupus. Her latest post talks about her struggle and why she is doing what she is doing. I would ask you to go read it and open your wallets to lend a hand. She inspires me to be better than I am, she makes me laugh on a daily basis and she amazes me with her drive and determination.
Beth, I am truly blessed to call you a friend. I really admire you and wish you the best in your struggles. You have conquered everything you have set your mind to thus far and I have no doubt that lupus will be sorry it fucked with you before you are done. You are the epitomy of class and grace and I'm proud to know you. God bless you babe.

September 8, 2006

Just around the corner ...

It's September 8 but I can't help thinking about what's just around the corner. It's an insideous time of year that normally makes me want to throw up. Some of it is okay, some not so okay and some is just so wrong on so many levels I don't even know where to begin. Course that's never stopped me before so here goes.
I'm talking about the holiday season. Yep, that's right only September and already the dread of the final quarter of the year is settling into my bones. It starts out very promising with Halloween. Now I have to tell you that Halloween is my favorite holiday of the year. I don't know if it's the dark side of me or what but I freaking LOVE the holiday. I love the fact that A&E does all the spooky specials and that TMC, AMC and the other channels show all the classic horror films non-stop. Little secret about Tommy ... when I was a kid? I always wanted to be a vampire. Maybe it was because Christopher Lee always had a bevy of sexy vampire babes at his feet, maybe it was the fact that vamps are creatures of the night. I don't know. I know I love hanging out in cemetaries and I have always been a night person (until I became an adult and had to work days ... that kinda put a damper on things.) So you getting the point here? I love it! I love decorating the house, scaring the crap out of the neighborhood kids ... hell I even get dressed up myself. I have a red wig and a hooded druid-type costume I wear every year on that night. I put the white facepaint on, darken my eyes with eye pencil and eye shadow, and even put blood red lipstick on. I go all out for the holiday but too soon it's gone and then the real push begins.
Thanksgiving is next. Now thanksgiving is ... okay, I guess.
(EDITOR'S NOTE: It gets kinda wonky, a little scary and a lot depressing from here on in. Enter at your own risk. You have been warned...)

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September 7, 2006

Feelings ...

This is how SHE makes me feel. Love you honey.

DSC011861

and the gratuitous butterfly shot ...

DSC011751

Happy Thursday ya'll. I know mine certainly is shaping up that way.

September 5, 2006

Halcyion nights ...

So I quit drinking coming up on three months ago and things have een wondreful. I'm losing weight, my emotions and my personality is conming under control and life is pretty good. There ws one problem ... I used to drink myself to sleep and since the aclohol has left the building, the insomnia moved toght in. I mean shit! What's a fat assed drunk to do? Talk to an expert of course. So I bring it up to Dr. Feelgood and he prescribes me a sleeping pill. It works ... kinda. It puts me to sleep but it doesn't really keep me there all night. I'm getting up a t 3 in the fucking morning, every morning and can't get back to sleep! This shit sucks! So I do a little research. i hear through the blogger grapevine that a certain member of the royal family (Don't tell anybody but it's the Queen of Ass. SHHHHHH! It's a secret ... unless you read her blog.) has a sure fire way of getting to sleep. Being a member of the ryal family ... ok I'm actually the court jester ... alright I saw her once on the parapet of the castle seconds before a guard threw me to the ground and stepped on my neck, nicely showing me the proper way to render honor to her majesty. Well, I figured since we shared so much together in common ( I mean she has eunichs that surround her everyday satisfying her every wanton need and I am impotent and surround myself everyday to fulfill those same needs) that i would ask her advice.
"Who the fuck do I look like? Dear Abby? Doctor Doolittle? And who the fuck are you little man?" her dulcet tones inquired sweetly. "Off with the impotent bastards heads! ... but put him in a tux first. See if he's gonna be impotent, he oughta look impotant!" That brought the throne room to it's knees, which is her preferred place for them. At least that's what they say in the vomitorium.
So as the royal guard was dragging me away, she hollered out "He wanted me to tell him about the fucking Ambien! What a fucking tool! Cheesecake! GET ME MY FUCKING CHEESECAKE ASSHOLES ... AND WINE!" I knew it was a secret message meant for my ears only and said thanks to the godess for her help.I'll have to name my next born after her ... Ball Buster Gunn ... has a certain je ne se quas to it don'tcha think?(pssst: what does gen ner se kwa mean?" But I digress.) After they got done with my head, I found myself in Doctor Feelgood's office again where I asked for, nay demanded the magic elixer to help me sleep.After cajoling, whining, crying and finally taking over repayment of his student loans, he relented.
See folks (peasants) the queen really is the shiznit. She knew what she spoke of. That shit (Ambien) is better thaan a blow job from a syphillitic cow. (Hey, we live in the country. We don't even have a starbucks for Jason's sake!) So the Duke of Pornia has joned our queen on the Ambien express and theings are once again snoring along in the Dutchy. There are a couple of drawbacks however. The shit works fast so if I'm in the middle of a conversation and my next reply looks like "aihijna yqy ppoiu euryw8q347 htigh IJG PIj" It's time to go to bed. Hallucinations are also a possibility although they haven't manifested in my caseyet. On Ambien you tend to forget shit too. I call it ambien amnesia and don't let that snooty, large breasted, tight assed, beautifu ... what the fuck was my point? Oh yeah don't let her tell you otherwise. So If I call you a "dung filled dunderhead that would rtather stick their 'sword' into a fence post than face the hippo of a wife that's waiting back home for you with banans and chocolate syrup (not for eating mind you)." It's the ambien speaking. Honest. Outta my control. If however I am brilliant and snarky and funny and and make you laugh uncontrollably (and really? When do I not?) that is all on me.Oh and if you see the occasional bruise on me, it means I got up in the middle of the night and slid along the wall to my future ex-wifes closet, enconced myself inside and took a dump in her prada shoes. As you can see, I have taken the magic pill tonight and am ready to dust the wall on my way to bed. Hope the mother fucker moved those shoes ... the points were a pain when I had to wipe. Good nighsnrkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

September 1, 2006

I'm dumbfounded ...

I'm speechless almost. My mom is a very religious woman. She is always busting my chops about being in church, getting the kids in church and she leads by example. Everytime the doors are open she is there. She even goes to the BUISNESS meetings ya'll.
You know that my wife and I are divorcing. My parents didn't ... until now. I was sooooo afraid to tell my mom especially because of how religious she is. You see, I have a real big problem with failure and disappointment. Sometimes I feel like EVERYTHING I TOUCH turns to a big pile of shit. I don't know where the fuck it comes from, I just feel like an abject failure. At the same time I feel like I have disappointed all the important people in my life. This divorce is a double whammy. I feel like a failure because I couldn't hold it together and I feel like I was going to disappoint my parents yet again. Kinda proving to them that I can't do anything right.
My mom called today and during the course of our conversation she asked if "we" were alright. You see she knew. Said she had known for a month or so. I couldn't hide it anymore and, literally, broke down and told her we are splitting up.
She understood.
She didn't judge.
She told me to think of the kids.
She offered her support and me a place to stay if I need it.
She let me cry and get some things off my chest.
I can't tell you what a load off my mind that is ... what relief I feel coursing through my body, mind and soul right now. MY GOD! It's like the weight of the world has been taken off my shoulders. Thanks mom. I love you and I'm sorry but it has to be done. I am going on my road trip this weekend. My plans (meeting my blogger friend) fell through today but the hotel room is waiting and I am going anyway. I think I need some time to myself to think things out and who knows .. we still may get to hook up for lunch. Thanks to all of you for all your support and for being there even though I disappeared for a while. I think things are gonna be a little better from now on. God I fucking hope so. Right now though, I'm gonna take a shower and head to the high school football game. My youngest son marches in the band and he could probably use a one-man cheering section to embarrass him in front of his friends. Have a good weekend ya'll. Tommy out!

August 27, 2006

Conversations with the Man ...

Me: "So God, I got a problem."
God: "Yeah, so what else is new? You always have a problem."
Me: "No really! You got time to answer a few questions?"
God: "I guess. Sit down. Want something to drink? Simon Peter mixes one HELL of a White Russian."
Me: "No that's okay. I quit drinking remember? I could use an ashtray though if you got one."
God: "You're shitting me! You quit drinking? Who gave you the will power for that? Certainly wasn't me!"
Me: "Yeah I know. I been meaning to talk to you about that. Thanks for nuttin!"
God: "Hey! I'm a busy diety. You think I got all day to worry about you and your petty assed problems? You know, maybe ... and I mean maybe ... at one time I could have. But today? There's just too many of you assholes out there to keep track of. I'd have to bring in extra help and do you know what a union would do to this place? Shit. It just ain't worth it!"
Me: "I thought you knew it everytime a sparrow fell from the sky? I thought you were all knowing, all seeing ... omnipotent. I mean WTF dude?"
God: "Advertising, man! I'm telling you it pays off big time. Don't believe me? Ask Bill Gates. Windows my ass. Give me a Mac anyday."
Me: "So all that stuff that was written in the Bible is BS? That doesn't seem right."
God: "No it's not BS. There are a lot of good things in there. Song of Solomon, for example. Have you read it? That stuff is HOT! But you know, you leave stuff up to a committee and things come out not quite like they were intended. I'm just too busy to go back and correct it now. Once it's in print, things just kind of take on a life of their own. It's the old 'genie out of the bottle' problem. If you went to business school instead of getting that Mass Communications degree, you'd know what I meant. But I'm busy, you said something about a problem?"
Me: "Oh yeah, sorry. Look, I heard a news report the other day that the Catholic church came out against a new way of harvesting stem cells even though it didn't involve the destruction of embryo's. Was that your doing? Cuz I know a lot of people that could use that. Sick people, infertile people ... people with real problems! I mean, what's wrong with you? Don't you give a crap?"
God: **sighs** "Tommy, You know, I was kicking around a long time ago and things were pretty good. I could go where I wanted, do what I wanted without answering to anybody. But I got a little lonely so I made you guys. I was young, dumb and full of ... well you know. My point is I gave you knowledge, free will, a great way to procreate ... I gave you all the keys to the kingdom man! After watching you guys for a few thousand years, I got tired and took a vacation. I come back and what's happened? You have taken my manual and blown it all out of proportion. Some take it absolutely literally, some ignore it, and you know? That's okay! It's all good. That's the free will part of it you see. But what really pisses me off is when people start proclaiming things I didn't authorize in my name. Or telling others how they should live their lives because I want it that way. If I didn't want you to have that knowledge and use it, I could stop it today. I mean, for Christ's sake ... I made you guys, I flooded the fucking world. You think I couldn't smudge that petrie dish if I wanted to?"
Jesus: "You called daddy?"
God: "No I'm sorry son ... I just got a little angry there. You finished mowing the lawn?"
Jesus: "Um, not yet. I was waiting for it to get a little cooler to finish."
God: "COOLER! Jesus Christ! It's heaven out there. Get your ass on that lawn or you ain't going to the movies Friday night!"
Jesus: "Whatever!"
God: "Kids .... pffft. What you gonna do with them these days. Now where were we?"
Me: "We were talking about knowledge ..."
God: "Oh yeah. Look, the bottom line is that I'm still here but I have a lot of stuff on my plate. I take the occasional glance at what's going on down there. I get reports all the time but you know? You guys could do a lot more for yourselves if you'd just have a little faith in the tools I gave you. Your brains for one thing and your concience ... your sense of what's right and wrong. It cracks me up to see how you guys molly coddle murderers and rapists. I'd have fried them a lot quicker than you do, but that's just me. And what was that whole Martha Stewart thing about? Talk about overkill!"
Me: "So we're just supposed to muddle by? Doing what we think is right without any guidance from you and just hope everything works out? Thanks for nothing! That's really helpful!"
God: "Look, I have it on good authority that devine intervention is HIGHLY overrated. But just because My hand doesn't reach out of the clouds to point out the right exit on the map doesn't mean I don't care. I gave you the map for Chr ..., er, My sake. You got the tools boy, Open your freaking eyes and use what I gave you. You know sometimes your whiney asses really piss me off!"
Me: "Wow, sorry God. I never really thought about it that way before. So it's okay to use what you gave us and it'll work out? I mean there are some really fucked up people in this world."
God: "I never promised you it would all work out the way you want it to. People are still gonna make bad decisions ... I mean look at Hitler. I had to mobilize just about the entire world to stop that whack job, but it was YOU people that actually did the hard work. Because you knew he was wrong and took a stand. All I'm saying is listen to your heart and use your brains. I put what you need in there, you just gotta shut up and listen to what they are telling you. Don't be selfish. Think about others now and again. Most importantly though, you should live like there's no tomorrow. That's what I want for you. Trust me. If things get too far out of hand, I still know how to lay a nasty assed smack-down on ya'll."
Me: "Ya'll? You from Texas?"
God: "They don't call it My country for nothing boy. Just remember that. Anything else?"
Me: "Yeah. I don't suppose you could give me Wednesday's ..."
God: "Fuggetaboutit. You're just gonna have to trust in the quick pick computer like I do. Now go ... and don't forget, just like He-man, you have the power. Don't be afraid to use it. Stop by again sometime, maybe I'll throw some shrimp on the que and we'll split a pitcher of Margaritas ... oh wait. You don't drink. I'll have a Diet Coke for you then. Just remember, I brought you into this world and I can take you out."
Me: "God? Thanks. I appreciate that. You're not at all what I expected you to be like."
God: "Now that's the first inteligent thing you've said all day!"

August 6, 2006

Friends and family ... an observation

Sometimes friends, friends you have known for a long time, can really turn into cocksuckers. I don't know why that is but it seems to be true and it saddens me.
Family can sometimes fill a void that's left in your life and that happened to me this week. You know my dog died last week. This week my sister in Houston sold her house and moved into an apartment. Unfortunately the apartment doesn't allow pets so I inherited them (at least for a while, my brother may end up with them eventually.) So without further ado, meet the two newest members of my family.

Abby and Harley
Meet Abby (lab) and Harley (cocker)
Abby
How could you not love a face like this? And finally ...
MyFoot
The foot I'd like to put in someone's ass right about now.

Have a good work week everybody!

July 31, 2006

Certified to live ...

So you all know I am a diabetic (or if you didn't you know now!) I had my monthly checkup with Dr. Feelgood today and got some great news! My blood sugar is under such good control, he took me down a notch on one of my meds for that. My cholesterol was in the 140-150 range so that is looking spectacular. The other labs were well within OEM specs so it looks like I might live to see hockey season, which is good cuz I plan on taking in a game in October. The biggest thing to come out of my meeting with the only man that nags me more than my mother (luv ya mom ... no, really!) is the fact that I have lost 31 pounds over the past six months! WOOT! that's right a 3 in the tens column and a 1 in the ones column! I knew I had lost SOME weight, I could see it in my face during those infrequent times I picked up the razor and tried to tame the sagebrush growing on my face. I had no Idea it was that much though! Damn! (Can you tell I'm a little shocked?) Oh, and he also took me off the sleeping meds I was on and put me on the Ambien express. I guess I should probably stock up on Cheetos for those late night trips to the fridge I'll be taking and not remembering! So here he is ... the all new and improved, 50 percent fewer calories, low fat, Tommy. Coming soon to a Hockey game near you. Have a great day ya'll!

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Did I mention this is a fucking MEDIUM Ya'll?

The cost of war ...

A fellow blogger is a close friend of mine in real life. She is in my office several times a day. We share chocolate together, we laugh, we gossip ... Hell, we started blogging at the same time. We are good friends. She also has a husband who is deployed right now to the war zone. Recently, her husband's unit suffered two combat losses. She is a leader in the organization helping the families cope with the separation and sometimes deaths of their Soldiers, all the while having her own fears that she keeps locked deep inside her. You see, she has to be the one that is strong for the other wives. Her character and strength was sorely tested recently. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I never really understood what private hell my friend must be going through until I read her latest post entitled All gave some, some gave all. Go give her some love ya'll, she could use a little support.

American Flag

God bless not only our Soldiers but their families too.

July 30, 2006

R.I.P. Bijou ...

Bijou 1

About a decade ago, I was in need of a good dog. I thought about buying one from a breeder, but one day (and not having any pets I don't remember why I was there. Maybe somethng to do with the radio station) I was in a vet's office. The doctor didn't believe in euthanizing animals and ran a no-kill shelter. He kept animals until they were adopted out, no matter how long it took. He was an angel among men and a damn good vet as I found out over the years.
This particular day, I went back to see the animals he had to offer and there, huddled quietly in one of the cages, was the most beautiful dog I had ever seen. she was a tan and white beagle wth chocolate eyes that matched her coat. The other animals were rowdy, barking, running back and forth ... just being animals but I was already in love. She was so quiet and gentle. I adopted her that day.

Continue reading "R.I.P. Bijou ..." »

July 26, 2006

Milestones ....

30 days sober today ... whoda thunk it? Can I get an Amen from the choir? Amen!

Good morning, sunshine

July 18, 2006

Tuesday and Tommy's feeling ...

GREAT! First off, if you haven't done so, check out my answers to Susie's Five Questions below. Second, this is my first dragonfly capture EVER! You see, I'm old and I have smokers lungs and that slows me down. Don't believe it? Just ask around, word is on the street. Anyway I like it so I'm showing it off.

Dragon1
It's Tuesday and it's a BEAUTIFUL day! Hope you are feeling as good as I am today! God, it's good to be alive!
Have a great day ya'll. Love ya.
Tommy

PS. Shut up! I am NOT drunk ... seriously, I was NEVER this happy as a drunk. This is straight up sobriety talking baby!
tg

July 15, 2006

Five Questions from Susie ...

Susie over at Susies the Boss offered to come up with five questions for anyone that wanted to answer them. So, being the narcissistic attention whore nice guy and great friend that I am, I promptly got sucked into volunteered to be a part of her attempt to find out information she could blackmail me with great experiment. Here are her questions and my answers to them.

1. Hi Tommy! You've been through hell in a handbasket lately. Howya doing? (You may get as personal as you like, since the answers go on your blog.)
Things have been moving along. For all of you who don't know, I am going through a divorce. It is amicable for the most part but we do have our days. Things are ... moving along as smoothly as can be expected on that front so I'm good. On another front, I almost ruined a friendship that means the world to me. The process of nearly losing that friendship forced me to do some very deep soul searching. As a result of that, I have quit drinking. It was my problem with alcohol that caused all or most of the problems between me and this person and I care too much about them to let that continue. I quit for me and because it was the right thing to do, but also a little bit for her. And I'll tell you the truth ... sometimes I want a drink ... badly. I think that I could do it. Just get the beer and go home and get drunk. No one outside the house would ever know. NO ONE would find out. But the thought of losing that friendship that I care so much about knocks that fucking thought right out of my head and the desire right out of my body. You see she would know ... somehow, she would be able to tell (probably because I would feel so guilty I would tell her) and I couldn't face her knowing that. Monday the 17th is three weeks sober for me ... 21 days and I really feel good about it. The emotions are coming under contol and I'm really starting to like the person inside me. I haven't talked with him in years and we are getting reacquainted but it's working out beautifully. Yep, looks like the kid's gonna be alright. **crosses fingers** Thanks for asking.

If you're interested in reading the rest, click on the continue link below.

Continue reading "Five Questions from Susie ..." »

July 4, 2006

This freaks me out a little ...

Took this after seeing it on Sis B's site. Ya'll, it's a little freaky how accurate it seems to be for my life right now. Check it out.




ColorQuiz.com Tommy took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Intense, vital, and animated, taking a delight in ..."


Click here to read the rest of the results.


July 3, 2006

7 Days ...

Today is seven days without alcohol for me. May not seem like that big a deal for you but For a guy that's used to drinking a twelve pack per weekday and between three six packs and a case per day on the weekends, it's a big deal. (Did I mention I drink 16 ouncers? Yeah ... I'm surprised I'm not dead either.) I haven't been alcohol free for ... shit, I can't remember the last day I spent without a drink. Yeah, it was getting bad ya'll. I'm used to waking up with a buzz, starting the hangover in mid-morning and suffering through the rest of the day until I got that first beer in me on the way home. That took the edge off until I could get to the house and start the cycle all over again.
I'm thinking clearer now, I have more energy and am sleeping UNBELIEVABLY well. I'm also not as big a prick as I was getting to be (although Mommy Gunn might have a different opinion on that than I do!) My emotions are really coming under control for the first time in a long time and I'm kinda digging it, no ... fuck that ... I'm digging it a lot! I have read four books in the past week and am about to finish a project for a class I'm assisting with a week before it's due. I'm still doing a lot of self-evaluation and introspective soul-searching ... evaluating myself and planning a path for the future ... I love Louisiana but I'm feeling the pull of my roots. I am a Texan and am thinking about moving back to God's country ... one day. All this shit means is that I am not spending much time online these days and am not getting around much. That should change soon. I miss you all. To those that continue to check in wanting to make sure I'm OK, I thank you and assure you, I have never been better. Have a happy Independence Day and I'll talk to you down the road. Later Gaters!

June 29, 2006

Who rocks?

You Guys and Gals rock my fucking WORLD! Thank you all. I love you.

June 28, 2006

The winds of change ...

I've been doing a lot of thinking in the past couple of weeks. A very good friend and a very smart woman talked to me about my life today like no one else ever has and she made a lot of sense. I admire her and respect her so much ya'll. She is smart, independent and probably the strongest woman I know. It's not easy telling a friend how fucked up he is and it's even harder to do it compassionately and honestly. But that's the kind of woman she is, thank the Goddess.
Midnight tonight starts my third day of sobriety. Big fucking deal you say? Well fuck you! It is for me and it's something I have to do. Can you tell I'm a little on edge? I'm still a little shaky but one day at a time, a little group therapy and I can make it work. I just have to continue to want to as bad as I do now.
There are other changes coming too. I have decided (or rather agreed with her honest assessment of me, the bitch (just kidding hon)) that I am not someone I would be proud to know. I have not been a very good friend to her either. Truthfully? I'm surprised she is still hanging around. I doubt I would have had her patience with me. And therin lies the rub. I have run out of patience with myself. I am not deserving of her continued friendship but ask her to hang in for just a while longer. Actions, she says, not words, but actions, is the way to get it done. That scares the fuck out of me ya'll cuz I have been long on words and feelings and short on actions most of my life.
I am in uncharted water and really need that quiet time I talked about below to hear what my inner voice tells me I need to do. But I am going to do it if it kills me. I'll let you know more as the days progress. I just want to publicly thank her for not putting up with my shit and for being there for me everytime I've needed her. Thanks doll. I'm working on it. One day at a time ... one day at a time.

Oh yeah .... and Happy HNT

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June 26, 2006

Sometimes ...

Sometimes you're the spider and sometimes you are the bug. Hope you get to be the spider this week ya'll!
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And just because I'm in this kinda mood, I'll share with you my favorite song. It's "Bring on the Rain'" by Jo Dee Messina and Tim McGraw. I heard it again yesterday and it sent chills up my spine ... and I mean the good kind of chills. Yeah it's kind of a downer but the haunting beauty of the performance can bring me to tears every time.
edit: Now that I think about it, this song really isn't a downer, it's a song of resilience, of strength of character in the face of adversity ... a song of hope. And don't we all need a little hope these days? I know I do.

Another day has almost come and gone
Can’t imagine what else could wrong
Sometimes I’d like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war

(‘cause) Tomorrow’s another day
And I’m thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

It’s almost like the hard times circle ‘round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing - but I’m not dead, no ...

Tomorrow’s another day
And I’m thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

I’m not gonna let it get me down
I’m not gonna cry
And I’m not gonna lose any sleep tonight

('cause) Tomorrow’s another day
And I am not afraid
So bring on the rain
Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain.

Finally, so you don't think it's all doom and gloom ... the gratuitous shot which is a lot more representative of my mood today. You see, I have a friend and I thank the Goddess for her everyday. wink.gif This is how she makes me feel.

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Here's to a great week everyone. Can I get an "AMEN!" from the choir? Amen!

June 24, 2006

I'm a baaaaaaad boy ...

OK ya'll get out the whips and chains ... I've been a bad blogger buddy and need a good, hard spanking. Go ahead **smack, smack** Thank you ma'am, may I have another? **smack, smack** Ok, thats much better.
I know I haven't been by your blogs and I am kind of ashamed of that.I used to pride myself on getting by every couple of days but lately I just haven't had the desire, interest or energy. I've been throwing myself a big assed pity-party and it's even starting to annoy ME now. So I'm done. Thanks for all your e-mails and comments (those of you I haven't run off anyway.) I may not have answered (**smack, smack**) but I read them all and they helped. Life is looking up, things are getting back to normal and I'm feeling pretty good thankyouverymuch.
Those of you who haven't done so so far, add your name to the notification list in the sidebar and I'll let you know by e-mail whenever I post. My Yahoo Instant Messenger address is also up there to. Holla if you want.
In an unrelated development, I GOT MY E-MAIL FIXED AND CAN NOW E-MAIL FROM HOME! WOOT! Hey, sometimes the little victories are the sweetest!
And now the gratuitous shot ...
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Have a great weekend everybody. I'll be around soon ... I promise. Love Ya'll!

June 20, 2006

Irreparable harm?

Every day that passes, my actions are brought home to me like a kick in the guts.
Conversations that once flowed so smoothly and seemed so effortless now seem uncomfortable … stilted.
I cannot penetrate your veil. Your shields are up when we speak, and I don’t blame you for it.
Everything that changed, changed as a direct result of my actions and for that I am truly, truly sorry.
Remember that lunch hour? We talked and talked. Laughter flowed so easily, I thought you would wet your pants. I asked “We really have a good time together, don’t we?” and you said “Yes we do.” Now we hardly speak at all. Where have those times gone? Have they been destroyed, never to be enjoyed or shared again?
Can forgiveness ever be granted? We can’t turn back the clock, but I miss those times … the times we shared before things got out of hand.
I feel so empty without your friendship, alone without your laughter. That empty spot in my heart, my life, grows daily … exponentially.
You will say you are busy, things in your life now prevent you from taking the time to be with me and that is the truth, but I believe there is more than that.
I beg your forgiveness and hope that one day you can grant me that. I would rather had plucked out my own eyes than to have hurt you so, I wish I had.
If this is the way things are destined to be, I would rather have never met you, but I did and I can‘t turn that back either.
I am asking you not to give up on me … to hang in and let me prove that I understand what I have done and allow me to make it up to you. All I ask you for is a second chance.
Believe me, the lesson has been learned and will NEVER be repeated. Look in your heart and tell me what you see. If there is no chance of forgiveness, I will accept it even though it rends my heart to pieces. I just want to know. Talk to me.

June 17, 2006

Happy Father's Day, Dad ...

Pa Paw, Lilly Dad and Mike
Dad in black cowboy hat
I have been dissapointing my dad since almost the day I was born. When I was a kid in Germany (elementary school age, I don't remember exactly), I took a ride home with a guy on a bike. I didn't know the guy and it turns out he had stolen the bike. He dropped me and the bike in downtown Frankfurt and ran off. I pushed that bike door-to-door until I found someone that allowed me to use the phone and call my parents ... or it could have been the police. (Hey, give me a freaking break, it was 30 or so years ago! **coughthirty-sixcough**) The cops thought I stole it and I remember the shame of letting my dad down. Fast forward a few years. I began smoking and shoplifting, oh and thinking about sex ... a lot! (sorry, but that's another post for another day) He never really knew about that. Thank God but I still, looking back, feel the shame and regret because it was a betrayal of the way he raised me. He tried to instill in me a sense of honor, duty, sacrifice and the credo that a man's word was his bond. To him a handshake and verbal agreement among men is more binding than a legal contract. Part of that came from the way he was raised, part came from him being in the Army. I never had his drive, self determination and always felt like, in his eyes, I would never be the man he wanted me to be.

Continue reading "Happy Father's Day, Dad ..." »

June 13, 2006

Baggage, but not the carry on kind ...

Edit: Sorry folks. This is as nekkid as it gets for this week. Be back next week. HHNTto you all!

I have to tell you. This is the hardest post I have ever had to write.
I hope I can get through it without turning into a blubbering idiot, but actually it's already too late for that. Sorry. I don't want to write it, I really don't, but deep down, I feel I have to. It's almost like an obsession at this point. I have been carrying this baggage around for decades and I hope that by putting it to paper (so to speak) I can exorcise the demons that taunt and torment me. They are eating my soul and I want them gone. It happens throughout the year but about this time of the year, every single fucking year, it really gets unbearable.
You see, June is my least favorite month of the year. Let me rephrase that ... June 14, Flag Day, is one of the greatest days I have ever known. June 19 is, as of this moment in time, the worst day I have ever had the misfortune of living through in my life. It also ruined my relationship with God, a relationship that was, until June 19, a fairly strong relationship. I was studying to be a preacher at one point in my life (that's another post for another day, so don't even ask) and all that was wiped away in the space of a dozen hours. I regret it but like some married couples, I can't forgive and forget.
My whole life is a dichotomy. I hate June and I love June. Does that sound fucked up? Yeah, you are right. It is. But there is a reason for that.
**Fair warning** This is going to be a fairly long post if I can get through it and definitely not a happy one. I may have to split it into two posts depending on how it affects me. Sorry, but I love you too much to lie to you. If you are looking for laughs or witty repartee, move along. Nothing to see here folks. If you want to get another small glimpse into how I got to be the person I am today ... then read on. I don't expect many of you to stick around and expect even fewer of you to comment but that's OK. This is for me today. Don't say you haven't been warned. Seriously! Don't fucking bitch at me if you go on and get disgusted. Everybody gone that's going? Good. Then lets get on with it.

Continue reading "Baggage, but not the carry on kind ..." »

Growth ...

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom ..."
Anais Nin

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Here's to blossoming one day.

June 3, 2006

Proud to be from Louisiana ...

First off let me say that I have lived in Louisiana off and on since 1979. After 10 years with the U.S. Air Force, I came back here to make a life for myself and have been here every since. There is something that pulls my heart to the humid bayous. They are beautiful with cypress trees all over, spanish moss hanging from the limbs almost brushing the water's surface. Their large, gnarled roots sinking deep into the water, taking nourishment from the earth they find down below. It's a place you can go and truly be at one with nature. Sometimes if I close my eyes I can hear the haunting strains of an accordion, wafting through the trees and it gives me goosebumps.
I love the culture that is based on the French heritage. The music the Cajuns and Creoles enjoy can make you stomp your feet, get up on the dance floor and two-step or jitterbug untill you drop. The beer flows freely and laughter rings out from every corner of the room. That same music can tell the story of the Acadians and how they were forced from their homes, the slaves that came from Haiti, the Carribean and Africa who came to this land and brought their culture with them. It is a proud heritage and to hear it sung reaches down to the bowels of my soul and touches something there that is almost indescribable.
The food, like the natives of this great state, is spicy! Once you have tasted true cajun food, you will never be fooled by imitation and when I say true cajun food I ain't talking about that crap that comes in a box with the guy playing the sax on it. **shudders**

Continue reading "Proud to be from Louisiana ..." »

May 27, 2006

New digs ...

I have moved to Moveable Type from Blogger and have been working on a new template design. C'mon in and put your feet up. Let me get you a beer, glass of wine, cuppa joe or a soda. I may even have a frappachino around here for those of you who lean in that direction. I still need to add a profile box (maybe) and a profile pic (probably.) Who knows what else I am going to do here? I like it and hope you do too. I have also added a notification box on the sidebar. If you want to be notified by e-mail everytime pearls of wisdom drip from my brain, through my arms and out my fingers, go ahead and put your address in. And as long as you are here, tell me what you think. You know I am an attention whore. Hope your weekend is going well and hope to talk to you soon!
TG

May 26, 2006

Dichotomy ...

I am a freak of nature. Yep, no doubt about it and no apologies for it. It is after all who I am and if I can't be me, who's gonna be? I have done quite the bit of soul searching in the past several weeks. I didn't flinch but rather looked deep down to the core of Tommy. You know what I found? It's a little bit dark in there ... OK,it's pitch black. I guess I forgot to pay the electric bill. Go figure. Once I got the torches lit and looked around a bit, I saw rats as big as poodles eating roaches the size of dinner plates.
There are webs all over the place as thick as cables dripping with jelly that burns the flesh if brushed up against. (Note to self: pick up more triple anibiotic ointment and bandages.) Ensconced in those webs are very large, very scary spiders, venom dripping from their fangs and eyes glowing an eerie, almost otherworldly blue. They make a squishy sound when they shuffle to devour anything that gets caught in their webbing. Piles of small bones, possibly the bones of children litter the ground under their nests. Hearing that sound almost made me turn back.
I didn't want to go any farther, but there was something in the corner. I was drawn, compelled even to face the vermin because I had to see what it was. I could no more have turned away than I could rip my arm out of the socket and sit down with some fava beans and a nice bottle of Chianti. It was a body. I could tell it had been there for years. It was curled up in a fetal position and the ribs were sticking through the remnants of a shirt that had long since decomposed around them. The legs and arms were sticks barely covered with flesh, pulled taut after years of being locked away in the dark.
I reached out to turn the body and it gasped, heaving in breath. I think it was at that point that I shat myself ... or maybe it was the spiders. Either way, it was not a pretty sight or smell. I got down on my knees beside it and gently, grabbing it by the arm, rolled it over to get a look at it's face. I stared into my own eyes and wept. Pretty melodromatic, huh?
The truth is, I came face-to-face with an ugly little secret that I have been hiding away for years ... I love. That's it. That's all. I love. OK, so it goes a little deeper than that. I don't love. anybody. Not a bit. It's all about me baby. (Ethyl Marie, is that boy on something? Didn't he just say he loved ... and then turned around and said he don't love? Check his eyes and while you're down at the Super Saver, pick up one of them there new fangled drug tests. We need to get that boy a-pissin!)
Yeah BillyRayBobJuniorSamples, that's what I said. And I'm not stoned. I don't let people in. I lock them out, them meaning most of you. I do this mainly for their (your) own safety. (see spiders and rats above for further details) As much as I hate to say it I think that also partially applies to my wife and kids but I'm just telling you what I saw down there.
Every once in a while, once in a blue moon or maybe even longer than that. Aw shit, OK. Honestly I can count the times it's happened in my life on one hand and don't even have to use my thumb. In fact, I still have fingers available. It's a very rare thing indeed. But once in a while, someone comes into my life that I do want in. I do love and brother, when I love my flame burns as bright as the freaking sun. The problem is it's so hot, so fucking brilliant that it ends up incinerating whoever gets in it's path leaving them a scorched husk. What usually happens is the object of my affection (and it could be male or female. I'm an equal opportunity destroyer) is overwhelmed by me and runs screaming into the night, bleeding from the ears. I get depressed, pissed, upset and throw that little bastard back to the rats and spiders.
Why am I like this? I don't have a clue. Really. I do know it almost ruined a relationship that I thought I wanted so badly I could taste it. Thank God the overhead fire system kicked in and cooled me off in time. I think this one can be saved boys and girls. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a basement to clean, rats and spiders to kill and a body to feed and nourish back to good health. Anybody wanna help? Ethyl just got back with the cream and bandages ... Anybody?

May 21, 2006

Problem solved ...

I just wanted to let you all know that the very large problem I was having over the past several weeks (months, years) is solved. I appreciate all your good thoughts, comments, prayers and vibes. A new day is dawning. It won't be any easier in the future but the headache and heartache are over. Thank you again and I love you all. Talk to you later,
Tommy

May 20, 2006

It's Over ... Thank GOD!

Well, son #1 walked the aisle last night and is officially sanctioned to be ready to start his real education ... in the school of hard effin knocks! LOL All the speeches were about hope for the future, going out and living your dreams. All I could do was snicker from the sidelines. I wonder if I believed that even when I was wearing the robes? I doubt it. In any case, Here's to the future Josh. Make the best of it cuz it gets here before you know it, believe me ... I have the stories to prove it. Congratulations graduate, I'm proud of you. Now get to work, you gotta pay for college!

The Graduate

Making the Grade

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We now return you to your regular, twisted Darkside programming

May 16, 2006

How the times have changed ...

Have you, especially the older ones out there, come to a point in your life where you had to make a decision? I mean a life altering decision. A decision that won't only affect you but your immediate family, your extended family and even a few acquaintances?

That time is upon me.

I don't know how I came to this point in life. I have been a problem child since as early as I can remember. In Germany, I rode off with a guy on a bike. I missed my bus and he offered to give me a ride home. Come to find out he had stolen the bike. He rode me into downtown Frankfurt ... yeah, downtown fucking Frankfurt, Germany. He ran away leaving me holding the bag ... er, bike. Oh and did I mention I was maybe in second grade at the time? That was the first time I learned not to trust people.

I was a military brat and was used to moving every couple of years. The friends I made were pretty superficial because after all, why get close to someone if you are only going to have to say goodbye in a couple of years? This time the move was to Alaska.

My first day there I fell in with the smokers and, unfortunately, that was where the druggers hung out too. It wasn't long after that that I took my first hit of weed and it was off to the races. The next two years of high school were really a blur. I got into theatre and that taught me how to really be fake. I was fucking smooth, y'all. I also got the lead in just about everything I went out for. I could sing, dance, act ... I was somebody to those folks ... but deep down inside I knew I was really a loser among more losers.

My relationship with my family was shit. I ran away at the drop of a hat. I spent months on the streets of Anchorage, stealing or selling dope for food, getting high ... just slumming and I was the happiest kid you could meet when I was on my own. I didn't need anybody. I had me and I was enough.

My parents were good people. They were strict, but generally fair. In no way did they deserve my treatment of them. I used to sniff gas for kicks. My dad was an avid sportsman. He hunted, fished, boated ... all that outdoors shit. He also kept a workshop in the basement. It had all his sports related stuff in it and was kept locked cuz ... well, I was a stoner and a thief.

Just to prove it, I broke into the workshop and sniffed the boat gas tank until I passes out and pulled it on top of me, spilling gas everywhere. My immediate, rocket-science response was to get every scented candle in the house to the basement and light them to cover up the gas smell.

That accomplished, it was back to huffing. My dad found me passed out again, gas all over the floor, candles everywhere and proceeded to beat the piss out of me. Big surprise huh? I could go on and on but suffice it to say that the preceding episode was just another day in the life of Tommy. I ended up stealing a car and getting caught doing donuts in the school bus parking lot of a rival school as school let out. I could have killed somebody and it's only by God's will that I didn't.

That idiocy carried on to my marriage. I had been married for nine days when I was sent to Germany in the Air Force. I went to a whorehouse (which was legal in Germany) and got laid before my wife (who I had dated for four years) got there.

I continued that pattern while I was working at a radio station from 1994 to 2004. In that capacity, I had many opportunities to cheat on her and I took every opportunity. Finally, I started cheating on her on the Internet. She nailed me and called me on it. I had no excuses. She left.

We lived apart for a long time. Our parents and siblings made their opinions known, but I didn't give a fuck ... okay ... I DID give a fuck, but there was nothing I could do.

Well. My girlfriend and I broke up. I am getting therapy and my wife is willing to go with me. She had a boyfriend, so don't think she is totally innocent, but she never had one until I told her I wanted a divorce. Again, it was my fault.

In any case, we are trying to work it out. I don't know if it will work, but we will see.

Wish us luck.

May 14, 2006

Happy Mother's Day all ...

Just a quick post to wish you all (or at least all that qualify) the Happiest of Mother's Days. May they be all you want them to be and may you be treated like queens today. It's the last day of my vacation and I still haven't shaken off the cold so I might call in sick tomorrow. Here's to you Moms. It's your day.

DSC004991

May 12, 2006

One life ends, and another begins ...

My son, my beautiful 18 year old son, Joshua, is spending his last day at that torturous institute known throughout the United States as High School. What's happening, Tommy? Is he getting kicked out? Is he dropping out? Is his life over before it has barely begun? I hear you asking yourself those questions and sitting on the edge of your seat in anxious anticipation and concern. Well belay your fears, faithful readers. My son who just yesterday looked like this (I swear it was yesterday!):

Josh0031

woke up today looking like this:

Josh0051
Yeah I stole it. So what!

Where the fuck does the time go? Can someone explain that to me? Anyway, my son, Josh, has navigated his way through the shark-filled waters and completed the socially mandated course of instruction that should ... should ... prepare him for the next stage of life. Today is his last day of school and, barring personal disaster or getting arrested for embezzlement at Wal-Mart, he will walk down the aisle and collect his diploma next Friday. He has also been accepted to Northwestern State University for the fall term, but is still undecided about whether to go to school first or join the Navy. Either way, son, know I support you in your decision and will back you to the hilt in whatever you choose.
Congratulations Josh. I am so proud of you and love you so much. I can't wait to see what the world has planned for you as you enter the next stage of your life. Just know I will always be there in the rough spots so you have someone to lean on and I will be there during the "Fuck Yeah!" moments to raise you on my shoulders. You are a good son and you make this father prouder than any mortal man has a right to be (even though I could kick your ass sometimes, GRRRR.) I Love you and look forward to walking beside you on the next leg of your journey. Congratulations, you did it. I always knew you could.
Love,
Dad

And just cause I can't let you go without the gratuitous shot, me and Josh from a few years ago. LOOK AT THAT FREAKIN HAIR! UUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHH! I hate my hair, but my son is adorable.

Josh004

If anybody needs me I'll be weeping uncontrollably, bleeding from the ears, curled up in a fetal position and sucking my thumb in the corner. Have a great day y'all.