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Do you live in the south? Do you live in an area bordering the Gulf Coast? If you do, you know of the bane of my existence.

What are you talking about Tommy? The IRS? Illegal immigrants? The price of tea in Indo-China?

No friends and neighbors ... I'm talking about your friend and mine, that sweet, lovable little insect ... lets bring him on and give him a big southern huzzah ... Ladies and gentlemen ... I present to you ... THE LOVE BUG! WOO-HOO! *and the crowd goes wild*

Riiiiiiiiight.

What's that you say? You've never heard of the love bug? Well let me introduce you.

Looks innocuous, huh? Let me tell you, they aren't. These little bitches and bastards (the big one of the pair is the female) are Satan's spawn! I'm fucking serious. There is actually an urban legend that they are synthetic ... a science experiment from the University of Florida gone horribly wrong.

What makes them so horrible? Let me tell you! They show up twice a year ... once in the spring and then at the end of summer. They have no natural predator due to their extreme acidity and that means there are MILLIONS, nay, BILLIONS, of them. Think I'm bullshitting? Check this out:

Now this is just one post, at one house in an area encompassing thousands of square miles. Think about how many of these little pricks and ... well, you know ... there are in a city! Jesus!

Love bugs lay their eggs and five months or so later the larvae pop out. They eat rotten stuff as they grow but that is all they eat for their whole lives. Once they mature, they spend their whole lives copulating (that's fucking to you and me) with their mate, even when they fly! I mean they are hooked up at the ass until the male (the smaller one, in case you didn't get that) dies. After that, the woman drags his rotting corpse around (typical woman) until she lays her eggs ... about 350 of them ... and the cycle starts all over.

Now I might be able to handle that (and even be a bit envious. After all their whole life is dedicated to fucking! Pffft! How bad can that be, seriously!) except for the fact that they congregate heavily along our highways and byways. Imagine going 70 miles per hour through a sea of acidic sex fiends.

They get splattered on the front of your car and plaster your windshield with a layer of slimy goo. (Think of smacking about 10,000 of the little bastards (and bitches to give the women equal billing) JUST ON THE WAY TO WORK!)

It's a mess, trust me.

Oh and add that to the fact that their acid will pit your car's paint job if you don't clean them off daily AND that once they dry there (by about the time you are ready for your first break at work) they are like acidic cement on the grill of your car.

I have to tell you, you should probably stay where you are and thank the heavens above that you don't have to deal with them. Leave the lovebugs to the professionals ... along with the fresh seafood, hot women and cold beer. We know how to handle those things.

Now if I could just get some of those hot women to copulate for life ... maybe if I took an overdose of Cialis ... Hmmmmmmmm ....