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Me and my old High School Sweetheart were chatting the other day while she was downloading some music.
She found this song and shared it with me. I fell in love with it immediately! It's a group called The Dresden Dolls. The song is called "Coin Operated Boy" and I'm just hoping you like it as much as I did. Happy Sunday and thanks Criss!
Sorry about the lack of Tommy's wisdom and hilarity on the Internet for the past few days. Apparently, my web hosting service had an outdated e-mail address to inform me that my contract was up for renewal.
I called them two days ago and renewed my contract but apparently there was a problem. I just got off the phone with them and they had no idea why it didn't come on line two days ago. They told me that it would be up within 12-24 hours, but obviously, It's back on line now.
Aren't you happy?
Now all three of you can get your Tommy fix (for at least the next three months. LOL)
God, it's good to be back.
Laters ...
A little while ago I told you about Josh being selected for jury duty. In case you just tuned in, he was selected to decide a child molestation case. The perp was convicted on all five charges. He molested two sisters, ages 13 and 14. I don't know what the sentence is yet but he should be going away for a long time.
Here's what flabbergasts me. He served. He came home. We thought it was over. Apparently not so ... but in a good way.
A few days ago he got a nice letter from the District Attorney thanking him for serving. He included a VERY nice Certificate of Appreciation, suitable for framing, thanking him for his service. I thought that was pretty cool.
Today, he got a letter from Louisiana's Thirty-Sixth Judicial Court. I assumed it was his check. See he had to take time off work so they gave him $25 per day and mileage to and from the courthouse. It came to just under $80.
It wasn't his check.
It was another letter.
From the Judge in the case.
Read it for yourself:
Dear Mr. GunnAlthough I expressed my thanks to you in the courtroom for your recent jury service, I want to take this opportunity to tell you personally how deeply I appreciate the attitude of seriousness and devotion to task that you demonstrated while you were discharging your public duty.
I recognize that the time you gave as a citizen was a duty that you had under law. Further, I realize that it was a matter of some inconvenience and did involve some personal sacrifice. Yet, you discharged this obligation of citizenship which you had with a positive spirit and with full appreciation for the importance and seriousness of your responsibility. People like yourself are what make America the great country that it is and make Beauregard Parish a wonderful place in which to live.
Again, on behalf of the citizens of Beauregard Parish, I thank you very much.
Sincerely,
Joe D. Judge
District Judge, Division Z
36th Judicial District Court
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I am blown away. I have a question for those of you who have served. Have you ever received a letter like this? I never have. I'm just curious. And again let me tell you how proud I am of him for doing his civic duty ... mandated by law or not. I'm verklempt. I need to go cry. Talk to you later.
Okay ... so we've established that son number one is a total dorkbutt. On to son number two.
The same weekend Josh pulled his crap, Ryan was hanging around the house. It was Saturday and about 6:30 p.m., the doorbell rings. It was the non-girlfriend girlfriend and her boyfriend.
They came in and hung out for a while watching TV and BS-ing. They asked if Ryan could go hang out with them. I don't care. I trust him and they are pretty good kids. So I told him to be home by about 10:30 p.m.
He snapped back, smart ass that he is, "Uh ... MIDNIGHT!" I looked at him with that "you bore me look" on my face and said "What-evah!"
9:30 rolls around ... no Ryan. 10:30 ... ditto. So I'm a little peeved cuz I know he's gonna come home at midnight and say "I said midnight and you said 'whatever!'" So I'm ready for that.
Midnight rolls around ... STILL no Ryan. Okay .. you remember the last post where "blood was pooling in my eyes and leaking out my ears?" Well add my rectum to this episode and you'll have a good idea what was going through my mind. Now he doesn't have a cell phone so I couldn't call him and I don't know the number of the house he was at so I couldn't call there. I just couldn't get in touch with him ... this time.
Long story short, I stayed up till 1:30 waiting on him and then got up every half hour after that to check on him. I also made sure that every door and window in the house was locked so he would have to wake someone to let his ass in.
At 2:45 I got up because I thought I heard something. I caught Ryan coming out of the bathroom (Josh apparently let him in.) A screaming match ensued but we all eventually went to bed ... about 3:15.
The next day, as we are leaving church, he holds his hand out expecting the keys to the car. I told him no because that would be like rewarding him for his total fuck up the night before. See where this is headed?
Apparently it was my fault that he had to stay out until 2:30. I mean, it had to be. It wasn't HIS fault that he was that late. You see, he didn't have a watch so he didn't know what time it was. He couldn't call me to come get him because not only did he not have a cell but he also forgot my number. And lets not forget, he doesn't have a car (again my fault) and God forbid he should ask his friends to take him home cuz that would just be rude while they are having such a good time!
Lets see, what else? Oh! In the past, I've said I was going to do things that I didn't do for whatever reason. I think that was the cork in the bottle ... the final nail in the coffin of who's fault it was. Mine ... all mine!
I know it is just a cliche, but I really do know why tigers eat their young.
I'm going to bed now. I have a splitting head and a raw throat and have had for the past couple of days.
Lord? I could use a little help here if you ain't to busy. And if you are? Well, then obviously this whole mess is YOUR fault. Wake me when you have it all cleared up, okay? Thanks for listening.
That last post? That stupid piece of whiney shit about the ignorance of youth? That piece of crap that no one will ever remember because it was so fucking stupid that half of you will never read it? Yeah, that one ...
was my 300th post.
Why do I care? I dunno, I just hoped that it would be more significant ... important ... fuck, I'd settle for interesting even. Sorry. Maybe for the 400th post ...
... but then I lost my footing and fell off a cliff. Just my luck, I suppose.
I have been really proud of my boys lately. First there was Josh who stepped up and served Jury Duty. I don't think I ever told you the outcome of that. It was a child molestation case and the guy that was accused was found guilty on all five counts he was accused of. Anyway, the point was, that I was just really happy to see him taking on adult responsibilities.
Ryan just got his learner's permit recently. He has really impressed me with his conscientiousness as he has been learning how to maintain control of his vehicle while dealing with the sister-brother-first cousin, inbred spawn that makes up the majority of other drivers on our roads here.
But you know what they say ... life is a pendulum and no matter how far it swings in one direction, the laws of physics dictate that it will ALWAYS reach an apex and start swinging the other way again.
And boy, did that fucker swing this weekend.
First off, my 20 year old son owes his college about $300 from the last semester he went. He went in the Air Force and you know how that turned out. Well, instead of using the earnings from that experience to pay off his college, he decided he needed a new laptop more.
He was out of work for a long time after that but recently started working again. He got his first full check last Thursday, in fact. He asked the spousal unit to take him to Wal-Mart to pick up said bounty and told her he would walk home.
I told him NOT to blow the wad because there were bills to pay and he needed to start pitching in around the house to help us out. First off, I love him to death but some of the stupid shit he does just gets on my last mother fucking nerve.
This is a kid who will stay up all night flipping between the Cartoon Network, the Disney Channel and Nickelodeon. Hey, don't get me wrong. I like watching cartoons now and again, I even like the occasional episode of Drake and Josh or Ned's Declassified and I'm ALWAYS up for a rerun of Tim Allen's Home Improvement. I'm hip, but God damn! That is all the fuck he does! And then sleeps all fucking day.
Anyway, back to my original point. I got a call from the house saying he had bought a router for the house and stopped by the school to give his brother some money for lunch. I'm thinking "Cool! What an adult thing to do!" Yeah, whatever.
I got home and left young one some money for the football game the next day and Josh started to pick it up and put it in his pocket. Needless to say I stopped that shit cold. I noticed, though, that he only had $21 in his pocket. KNOWING he had gotten about $400, I asked if that was all he had. "Yeah." says he oh so nonchalantly. "So what the fuck did you spend the rest of your money on?" I ask as the blood starts to pool in my eyes and leak out my ears. Even more nonchalantly (if that's freaking possible) he looks over and says: "CDs and games."
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CDs AND FUCKING VIDEO GAMES? W.T.F. IS HE FUCKING THINKING?
I'm sorry. I can't finish this right now ... I need to go call my therapist. I think I may be heading back into that dark place again. Oh, and drugs ... lots of drugs. And maybe infanticide, ooooooooh that sounds soooooooo calming and peaceful right about now. Let me cool off and I'll be back to tell you the rest of the story ... promise.
Ooooooommmmmmmm. Oooooommmmmmm!
Breathe, Tommy, breathe.
Do you live in the south? Do you live in an area bordering the Gulf Coast? If you do, you know of the bane of my existence.
What are you talking about Tommy? The IRS? Illegal immigrants? The price of tea in Indo-China?
No friends and neighbors ... I'm talking about your friend and mine, that sweet, lovable little insect ... lets bring him on and give him a big southern huzzah ... Ladies and gentlemen ... I present to you ... THE LOVE BUG! WOO-HOO! *and the crowd goes wild*
Riiiiiiiiight.
What's that you say? You've never heard of the love bug? Well let me introduce you.
Looks innocuous, huh? Let me tell you, they aren't. These little bitches and bastards (the big one of the pair is the female) are Satan's spawn! I'm fucking serious. There is actually an urban legend that they are synthetic ... a science experiment from the University of Florida gone horribly wrong.
What makes them so horrible? Let me tell you! They show up twice a year ... once in the spring and then at the end of summer. They have no natural predator due to their extreme acidity and that means there are MILLIONS, nay, BILLIONS, of them. Think I'm bullshitting? Check this out:
Now this is just one post, at one house in an area encompassing thousands of square miles. Think about how many of these little pricks and ... well, you know ... there are in a city! Jesus!
Love bugs lay their eggs and five months or so later the larvae pop out. They eat rotten stuff as they grow but that is all they eat for their whole lives. Once they mature, they spend their whole lives copulating (that's fucking to you and me) with their mate, even when they fly! I mean they are hooked up at the ass until the male (the smaller one, in case you didn't get that) dies. After that, the woman drags his rotting corpse around (typical woman) until she lays her eggs ... about 350 of them ... and the cycle starts all over.
Now I might be able to handle that (and even be a bit envious. After all their whole life is dedicated to fucking! Pffft! How bad can that be, seriously!) except for the fact that they congregate heavily along our highways and byways. Imagine going 70 miles per hour through a sea of acidic sex fiends.
They get splattered on the front of your car and plaster your windshield with a layer of slimy goo. (Think of smacking about 10,000 of the little bastards (and bitches to give the women equal billing) JUST ON THE WAY TO WORK!)
It's a mess, trust me.
Oh and add that to the fact that their acid will pit your car's paint job if you don't clean them off daily AND that once they dry there (by about the time you are ready for your first break at work) they are like acidic cement on the grill of your car.
I have to tell you, you should probably stay where you are and thank the heavens above that you don't have to deal with them. Leave the lovebugs to the professionals ... along with the fresh seafood, hot women and cold beer. We know how to handle those things.
Now if I could just get some of those hot women to copulate for life ... maybe if I took an overdose of Cialis ... Hmmmmmmmm ....
I meant to add this as a fourth bit of Randomosity in my last post but I didn't think it would go well with the joke about "Old Sarge." If you don't get that reference read yesterday's post.
My MIL has been a constant friend to me. Even with all that went on in the past year ... the animosity, the accusations, the separation ... she always took time to tell me all was well with her and she held no grudge. She has always been friendly and let me know that I would always be a part of HER family no matter what happened and what the other sisters thought of me.
That dear woman has been diagnosed with the beginning stages of Alzheimer's. She has lived by herself, carrying on the family traditions and her own life's schedule since Paw died nine years ago. She is an amazing woman and I am proud to call her my MIL. She is 78 years old.
She was also recently diagnosed with cataracts in both eyes and, more seriously, a brain tumor. She went through the battery of tests like any good lab rat going through the complicated maze of this nation's health care system and the doctors came to a conclusion. They would remove the cataracts but leave the brain tumor alone. It wasn't growing and didn't seem to be affecting anything, so they were going to keep an eye on it and see what happens.
That was a month ago.
They have scheduled her for surgery to remove the tumor October 8th. I don't know what changed. I don't know what happened. Is it getting bigger? I don't know. I DO know that they see it is affecting her eyesight and now they say it has to go.
My wife asked me to be there with her on that day and that was a part of the reconciliation decision. I know there are a million mother-in-law jokes, but this woman has been my friend, my confidant at times, my comforter ... more like a mother than just some woman who let me marry her daughter.
I would ask you to pray, send good thoughts, light a candle ... whatever you do to call out to your higher power including sacrificing a goat, if that's what you believe in. Ask for her surgery to be successful and for her to make a complete recovery. I would consider it a personal favor to me.
I thank you in advance.
It has been a hell of a weekend ... and in my life, that's saying a lot.
First things first. I know what many people think of me and I know what I've said before, but, well, there's no other way to say it ... I'm afraid I'm in love ...with the woman that I have called my wife for the past 22+ years (excepting the past year or so.)
I know I have probably painted her as this cold, frigid bitch, but I was wrong and I freely admit that ... well partially. You may or may not know that we have been spending weekends together (If not ... WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN? I HAVEN'T DIED ... JUST BEEN BUSY! DELURK ALREADY AND LEAVE A DAMNED COMMENT! Just kidding ... sorry ...) and doing a lot of talking.
Long story short, Saturday night we decided to reconcile. We had a really good weekend together as a total family. Both of us have admitted fault with the problems we had and both of us have showed by our actions that we are willing to face our faults and work to change them. We have a joint appointment with my therapist October 1. Wish us luck.
Second: Josh got picked for Jury Duty today. I dropped him off at 8:30 a.m. and by the time I got home, he was still gone. Ryan was too, but he called me to ask me to pick him and a "non-girlfriend" girlfriend up from the park and take her home. Got that? Good. By the time we got home again, Josh was still not home and there was no phone call. I decided to run to the courthouse to see if the dumbass was out of minutes and just hadn't called me.
I walked into the courtroom just in time to see him getting sworn to tell the truth. He didn't see me as I sat there and listened to the lawyers interrogate him.
I was so proud.
He had to tell the court his vital statistics ... age, employment history, marital history, etc. When he got to the marital history part, he said "I am not married, I have never had a spouse and I have no children ... thank God." The courtroom cracked up! I thought "That's my boy!" At the same time I was worried about his irreverence in the seat of law.
Ya see, unfortunately, this is a child abuse case.
The lawyers asked him whether he didn't like children or he was just saying that, like any other kid his age, he was happy he didn't have any kids yet. He answered that he was happy he had no kids yet. They asked him other questions and I was very impressed by his answers.
You see ... I have seen Joshua mostly in a older son/big brother role, but today, he was in an adult role and lived up to the billing with his answers. I was DAMNED impressed at how he reacted to the lawyers questions. I was really proud of him and know that he will listen to the evidence and argue his belief with the other five members of the jury who are much older than he is.
Finally (for tonight) Danna spent the weekend with us. Last night she and Ryan got into a discussion about age. We talked about how old I was (45) and Ryan said that anyone over 40 was old and anybody over 70 was ancient. He stated that he was never going to get old. I asked him "So are you gonna commit suicide when you are in your 30's to prevent that?" His eyes brightened and (totally being a smart-ass) he said "YEAH! That's it! Die young!" Well, the conversation turned to how old the grandparent were.
Let me tell you this first. Danna's dad was nine years older then her mom. He really robbed the cradle. He died at the age of 78, the same age her mom is today. (Do the math, he's been dead nine years.) Danna loved her dad ... a lot. He wanted boys when he and his wife got married. Unfortunately, he had five daughters (Danna is an identical twin. Well ... not identical but that's another post. Identical in looks anyway. Let's leave it at that.) In any case, her dad gave the two older girls girly nicknames but the last three girls he called Dan, Don and Chuck. I think he was getting desperate. But never doubt that she loved him. I held her at the funeral while she dehydrated from the weeping she did. She LOVED the old "Sarge."
So we figured that Danna's dad would have been 87 years old this year, were he still alive. Ryan looked at her and said "He is a fossil." Without missing a beat, Danna retorted back "Well, he is NOW!"
Cracked my shit up! Irreverent? You bet your ass.
God I love her.
The boys and I are sitting around the house last night when the doorbell rings. I have to tell you, we are pretty solitary people here and that is a fairly uncommon thing when the doorbell rings.
Ryan immediately runs into the living room hollering "I GOT IT!" There is a short pause and I get up to go see who has disturbed the sanctity of my castle. As I turn the corner, Ryan screams into the house "JOSH! The COPS ARE HERE FOR YOU!"
I turn the corner just in time to see a sheriffs deputy with a sheaf of papers in his hands and the blood drains out of my face.
I have to tell you that my kids (knock wood) have never been in trouble a day in their lives, Very unlike their dad. Which leads me to believe that the beer man in Germany and the water guy in California had more than a passing relationship with Missus Gun, but that's another story.
Oh yeah! I also should mention that a few weeks ago I got a call.
Me (not recognizing the local number on my caller ID): "Hello?"
Her: "Yes sir, Who am I speaking to?"
Me: "This is Tommy Gunn, who is this?"
Her: "This is Deputy Dawgette, dispatcher for the Beauregard Parish Police Department. Do you live at 1313 Mockingbird Lane?"
Me: "Um ... no, I live at 1113 Mockingbird Lane. Is there a problem?"
Her: "Well we received an alarm from the ABC Alarm Company saying there was a break-in at 1313 Mockingbird Lane and there is no 1313 Mockingbird Lane. We were wondering if it was your castle."
Now mind you, Josh was the only one home at the time. He was getting ready to go to work.
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Sorry I can't help myself, he was fucking asleep when the cops came to the door. I can just imagine his dopey, half-asleep ass being confronted by the cops! Hee, hee, hee. But, again, I digress. Back to the story ...
Her: "Hang on sir, I'm calling the alarm company."
There was a long pause while she conversed with the alarm company and then came back on the line with me.
Her: "Okay sir. Apparently the alarm company had the wrong address."
Me: "Duh! because I don't even have an alarm system, bitch!" Okay, It was more like "I know ma'am, because I don't even have an alarm system." But you get the point.
So back to the story. Where were we ... Oh yeah ...
So Ryan is screaming that the cops were there for Josh as I'm turning the corner for the front door. Josh follows behind me and suddenly screams "THEY BETTER NOT BE!"
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The blood continues to drain out of my face as I see Deputy Dawg standing on the porch with a sheaf of papers in his hand, looking embarrassed. I heard something else at that time. I heard the thoughts of the deputy like he had spoken the words aloud. I heard him think "Oh yeah, we're definitely putting this house on the watch list!"
Jesus ... could my kids have made bigger asses out of themselves? I mean, why didn't Ryan just scream "JOSH! THE PIGS ARE HERE FOR YOU!" and Josh respond "DUDE! LET ME SHUT DOWN THE METH LAB!" Again, they have never been in a day of trouble in their lives. I just don't understand their willingness to embarrass the shit out of me at every opportunity.
The deputy was there to serve Josh papers for Jury Duty. He has to report Monday. One thing I am most proud of him for, is that he registered to vote as soon as he was able and has voted in every election since then. This is his first opportunity to perform a duty that many consider a burden but is, in fact, an honor as an American citizen. He is looking forward to it.
And that makes all the other shit seem inconsequential.
Welcome to responsible citizenship, Josh.
Okay ... I think I have it figured out. I'm not a comment whore and I think you know that but I have a favor to ask. If you get the notification, could you let me know via a comment or e-mail. The address is tommy@tommysdarkside.com. Thanks. I appreciate it.
Laters!
God! I really hate upgrading. I mean it's great and all, but Jesus it can be a pain in the ass sometimes. I have the notification plugin that lets you know when I post without you having to come by.
Well, apparently, When I upgraded, it lost or deleted all your names and e-mail addresses. So we get to start all over again.
Soooooo ... If you want to be notified whenever the latest pearls of wisdom drip from my keyboard, put your e-mail address in the box on the left sidebar titled "Follow the Gunn." God I hope this works. Thanks for your patience and hope to be notifying you soon.
Laters!
I have upgraded from Moveable Type version 3.3 to MT 4.0. This blog may be a little wonky for a while but I will get it figured out. I'll be back. I hope this won't be a total pain in the ass, but it's been several hours so far and I am just now able to publish a new post.
Got I hate upgrading.
Later!
I haven't been around for a while. I appreciate those of you who have noticed that and e-mailed or IM'd me to wonder why.
My soon-to-be-ex-wife (maybe) spent the Labor Day weekend with us. Stayed the nights. And we were like a family again ... with one exception. We talked. About important shit.
A lot.
Something we had not done in a long time.
And there was sex ... good sex! Something I haven't had in a long time. Better sex than we have had for years.
I don't know what's going to happen, But I know that I do love her ... always have, no matter what I've told you. We will have been married for 23 years this coming March and have been together (dating included) for 29 years.
We have both had a lot of time to see what being apart from each other is like and have been thinking about it a lot.
Like I said, I don't know what's going to happen, but we're working on it. I do know this. We have given our church and my family a LOT to talk about. I heard that someone said "Did you SEE them walking into the church holding hands?"
That cracks my shit up!
But fuck 'em. My life is my own. I was the one who ruined this marriage and it is mine to fix. In fact, She asked me "Can I trust you again?"
I told her "I don't know." Hence, the uncertainty about what will happen. But I know this. We are talking like we haven't talked in the last decade. And that bodes well ... or at least it's a start. She will stay over here a few more nights this week and we will talk some more ... and that's a GOOD thing.
So pardon me for not being here while I try to work this out. I still love you all and hope you haven't forgotten me. I'm here. I'm just busy.
Talk to you soon,
Tommy