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In other words, time to get that ... picture ... off the top of the page.

I know I've been a little lazy the past couple of days. I still owe you the next installment of "I think I know ..." But part of being bi-polar is that sometimes you're in a GOOD mood and don't really want to revisit those things that seemed so cathartic when you're down.

Maybe you can tell, I'm in the "good mood" phase or as a friend tells me: "You're fucking manic today, dude!"

So a couple of things: Why are relationships hard? I have gone through my life pretty much on cruise control. I got married back in 1985 and since then, really haven't thought about relationships much. It was just a day to day thing, doing what had to be done.

Now that I'm separated, I'm seeing how difficult it really is.

I don't like being alone. I know that. I've had others tell me that they see that trait in me also. But I don't want to settle. I REFUSE to settle! Life is too short to go through this shit again.

What do you do when you have an idea, really specific ideas, actually, of what you want your future partner to be and be like and yet? You always seem to find some flaw that disqualifies those you meet? Is there really a soul mate out there for me?

What if she's in Duluth, MN, or Riverside, CA, or even nearby in Lake Charles, LA, and I don't get to meet her because I'm here? Can I find her on the internet? Is that creepy that I have to ask that question?

What do you do when going forward seems disingenuous, but being alone is anathema to your very being? I know that to rush into something would just be T-R-O-U-B-L-E in the future. But I NEED someone to share my days with. I'm not good at solitude even though I am a solitary individual by nature. Fucked up, huh?

And you know what? Sex for sex's sake? Just doesn't fill that void (although I'll take it. Sheesh I still am a man after all!) I know! Never in my life did I think I would hear those words coming from my mouth (or, in this case, dripping from my keyboard.)

I guess the answer is to learn to be alone and happy with myself and my own company. Is there a school I can go to, a class I can take to learn that? I guess what I'm trying to say is that I look into the future and see a dark, foggy place. I can see my feet and the road they are on, but that's about it. I know what I want in a partner, I just don't know if I'll ever be able to find her. And if I don't ... what the fuck do I do then?

Second: I always read in other (funnier than I am) bloggers comments that "OMG I just peed myself laughing at that." or "I just spit (insert drink of choice here) all over my monitor!"

Does that ever REALLY happen, or are people just full of shit? Just curious. I know what I'm betting.

That's enough for now. I'm taking the camera and hitting the road. Wish me good hunting and Happy Friday to you.