Strange days indeed ...
I got a call from the ex today. My sister in law is in and ...
wait ...
Lets back up a bit.
When my wife and I separated, she chose to put our business out to her whole family ... my mother-in-law and the four sisters. I don't know what she told them, but whatever it was, it put me in a very bad light. In fact, one of the sisters, who had been a good friend let it be known that if I came over for Christmas, I should be prepared to receive a LARGE piece of her mind. Needless to say, I stayed away. Who needs that kind of drama, especially Christmas day.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago. My MIL was diagnosed as having had a series of small strokes at some time in the past. She also has a tumor in her brain. The good news is it looks to be benign, but there have been a number of doctors appointments, tests and other people to see while figuring out what is wrong with her and what treatment options should be pursued. Another SIL brought her kids and came to help. My kids were needed to babysit while the SIL took the MIL through the labyrinth of the health care system.
I never expected to see her, my SIL that is, but one day, my boys came in and said my nephew wanted to see me. I got to the door and my nephew jumped into my arms. I looked over at her and burst into tears. She hugged and comforted me and told me that everything would be alright. We talked. I cried through several apologies and "thank you's" and when she left, I knew that not ALL the sisters were lined up against me. I felt much better.
So ... today. I got two calls and a text from the ex wondering where I was. I called her back and she informed me that "comforting" SIL, hubby and kids were in and the boys and I were invited to the MIL's for supper. I was apprehensive, but after thinking about it for a while, agreed to go. I mean, after all, this SIL and my MIL have both reached out to me to let me know that they still loved me as a son- and brother-in-law and I was welcome in the family. I miss them. We were always close and I miss that closeness.
Long story short ... I had a good time. It was not uncomfortable or strained. It was good ... until she brought out the knife. No, not a real knife, but a knife in the form of a bunch of VHS-C tapes taken in the late 80's and early 90's. They consisted of family gatherings, mostly at Christmas. As I watched, my heart hurt. I saw my father-in-law for the first time since he died, the families were happy ... it was a different time, a time when everybody was happy and got along ... a time that I found myself longing for again.
I was still in the Air Force then and that obviously meant we were a lot poorer, but we certainly looked and acted a lot happier together. And I have to tell you, seeing my kids again when Ryan was just walking and Josh, the tallest one of the bunch even then, was heart wrenching. I found myself thinking back through the intervening years and counting the mistakes I've made raising them, and the mistakes were truly legion.
I wondered how things might have turned out differently had I been a more proactive parent ... more involved with them, what things might have been like today. Now, don't get me wrong. They live with me, they are healthy, happy and generally well mannered, responsible young men. They have never been in trouble with the law, experimented with drug that I know of (and as a long-time druggie, I would know) and we get along great. (In case you don't know, they are 17 and 19 years old) I found out tonight that they read my blog ... and actually think some of it is pretty funny. Color me impressed!
You know the feeling you get when you are more than halfway through something, and you know there's no way you can ever win? Like a chess game, for example ... you're less than halfway through the game and yet, you know your opponent has the game won already ... that it's only a matter of time until your king is toppled. What do you do? Do you concede or fight to the last piece? I know that when I am playing computer golf and I find myself six or eight strokes over par before I finish the front nine, I quit and start over.
What do you do when you feel that way about your life? Can you just quit? There's obviously no starting over, but if the game is lost ... what do you do? That's the way I feel these days ... game over ... tip the king and get off the board ... or hit the power button, roll up the controller and just walk away. I mean, really. Do you fight to the end? Even though you know the outcome already? What the fuck do you do?
Music has always been an important part of my life. It seems to go according to my mood, though. When I am on top of the mountain, it seems like every song I hear takes me even higher. When I'm at the bottom of the valley? Well ... you know.
We were driving home from the MIL's tonight and I was shuffling through the iPod when this song came on. I think it says it better than I ever could. It's "Fins" by Jimmy Buffet.
Can't you feel 'em circlin' honey?
Can't you feel 'em swimmin' around?
You got fins to the left, fins to the right,
and you're the only bait in town.
You got fins to the left, fins to the right,
and you're the only (guy) in town.
I know the song is about a girl in a bar, but I see them. The fins. They're circling closer and closer and I can see their teeth, sharp and dangerous.
I'm treading water.
I'm a pretty good swimmer ...
but my legs are getting heavy.
I'm really starting to get tired.
And I don't see Batman swooping in with a can of bat-anti-shark-repellent.
Just fins ... as far as the eye can see.
I think I'm ready for them.
Comments
((((Tommy))) I hear ya...
Posted by: sandi | July 29, 2007 1:02 AM
It is not about winning or losing but how you play the game.
Shark fin soup is delicious.
Posted by: Ole Blue | July 29, 2007 9:21 AM
you've sounded the SOS...throwing you a line....grab on, your firends will help hevae you out before those fins close in....
Posted by: lime | July 29, 2007 1:42 PM
Dude, ya can't reboot life and start over, God knows we've all wished it at times, but you just gotta adjust your suspenders, tie your shoes and get back in the game. (I just thought the visual of you in suspenders was funny ...). You can only move forward and use the lessons you learned to better yourself. You've got tons of friends and we'll tell you when you're doing good and when you've fucked up ... at least I'll keep telling ya if ya put some chocolate in your office (I got priorities dude.)
That's my pearls of wisdom today ... oh, yeah. I am terrified of water, quit using the water analogies ... use chocolate, it's more fun and you can eat the gummie sharks!
Posted by: rose_michelle | July 29, 2007 4:29 PM