I tried ya'll, really ...
Santa? Or Satan?
Hi! My name is Tommy and I have a problem with Christmas. I am working on this problem at great personal sacrifice to my mental psyche and have been making incredible progress. NO REALLY I HAVE!I have actually walked around with the words "Merry Christmas" on my lips and have even been caught whistling Christmas tunes. The Christmas tree is up and decorated and there are even lights on the holly bushes (that's right, I said HOLLY bushes) lining my sidewalk. How much more Christmasy can you get than that, I ask you? I have even tuned my internet radio to the Christmas station and was even considering buying a few gifts ... but that was before last night.
I came home last night to an empty
I pull into the driveway, thinking about what I need to do for work HA! Yeah, I kill me too sometimes. I actually had Laurell K. Hamilton's latest Merry Gentry offering, Mistral's Kiss, and couldn't wait to get started. (I finished it last night by the way and if you haven't read it yet, OH.MY.GOD! You should ... just start with the first one. Each book is a continuation of the same story and you would be hopelessly lost if you jumped in here. But I digress ...)
Anyway, I walk up the path, admiring the pretty lights as I pass them. My eye sweeps up to the living room window and I note how beautiful and festive the tree looks shining out on the world. I start to hum a tune as I reach for the storm door to enter my humble abode ... and the whole world comes crashing down upon my head, deflating my spirit, stealing the essence of everything I had built up to this point and crushing my Christmas spirit like a squirrel under a four-wheeler's monster tires.
What was it that could have done such a horrible thing? Wiped out days of progress and put a screeching halt to any hope of a change in attitude? The grinch that entered my life last night was this:
Satan's pitchfork
Looks pretty innocent doesn't it? Doesn't look anything like the Anti-Christ does it? Well that's where you're wrong. If it were just an ordinary wreath? I could handle that and everything would be fine. But this wreath is actually the pitchfork Satan uses to prod me in the ass and crush any happiness I might dare to foment this time of year.
He has used this implement of destruction to torment me for the past ten years. I've tried everything to rid myself of this blight on the holiday season to no avail. What's so bad about it you ask? HA! If only you knew. You see ... it talks to me. Okay, it sings to me if you wanna be accurate, but again? Work with me here people.
There is a small sensor hidden in the wreath that picks up the slightest movement in the vacinity and sends "Santa" (Santa, riiiiiight. I'm on to you fat man or shall we call you by your true name ... Beelzebub!) Whenever the sensor is tripped, the Lord of Flies launches into a hearty chant "Ho,Ho,Ho!" (surely the signal to release the demons of hell on an unsuspecting populace) and one of a dozen Christmas tunes then plays a short snippet before S(atan)anta wishes all a "Happy New Year!" (again a signal to the hounds of hell but I haven't decoded that one yet. I'm sure it has something to do with the eviscerating of souls of mall employees, turning them into surly louts even as Zuel sits high on his throne turning shoppers into Zombies and preparing to rain down mountains of credit card bills (at 21% interest) on the hapless fools ... but I'll have to get back to you on that.)
I feel my soul being ripped out of my body just thinking and writing about it. Can somebody help? I've tried hiding the damn thing, losing the batteries, hiring the guy that played the priest in the exorcist to exorcise the demon spawn that ruined Christmas, all to no avail.
JESUS ...
I just heard "Ho,Ho,Ho!" coming from down the hall.
It may be too late for me but I'll hold him as long as I can.
Save yourselves and warn the rest of the world!
I fear the end is upon us but if we band togther ...
No .. no ... NO!
......aaaaaaarghhhghhghghg!
Comments
OK. Maybe I'm just a mean and horrible ugly old witch but I hate that wreath. Its horrendous! I'm sorry - I now want to go beat my neighbour's dog. That thing is truly alarming.
My landlady hates me that way though - she puts this stupid crap thats like a long haired wreath ALL over and around the handrail on my bottom stairs. Its horrible - you can't grab the rail or you risk being lost in the rain forest, there's hideous huge red bows all over it - she wants me to slip and fall, reach out for the support of the rail and then be strangled by cheery bow wearing pine vines. I know it.
Posted by: Jean | December 19, 2006 12:07 PM
hey, before you mentioned anything about the way it beckoned the hounds of hell i was convinced it was evil. just look at the soulless eyes!
i say drive a stake through its heart then burn it in a wild conflagration. let me know when the bonfire takes place because my mother has a demonic victorian caroling boy which is also one of satan's minions. i'll add him to the pile!
Posted by: lime | December 19, 2006 12:23 PM
*giggle, snort, cough* You are too much TG!
I hate that 'effin singing bass fish. Now THAT, my friend, is truly of Satan. ;)
Posted by: chris | December 19, 2006 2:56 PM
OMG Tommy!!! I feel your pain!!! My mom has one just like it!!! It's haunted by the ghost of obnoxious fucking chiristmas...and it's EVIL!!!
Oh yeah. Merry Christmas!
Posted by: Becca | December 19, 2006 7:42 PM
I suppose I'll just out myself as the dork here and confess that I think it's cute. Although the singing is probably a bit much.
Posted by: Sister Spikey Mace | December 19, 2006 8:58 PM
Oh...I hate it too...it took my soul & thrw it under a bus & now my Christmas spirit is gone (but that's ok...people will leave me alone now & stop pestering me for cookies & cards that ain't coming).
Posted by: Chick | December 20, 2006 6:53 AM
You have a gas can handy? Pleeeeeeeeeeeease, pretty please, can I strike the first match?
Posted by: Biscuit | December 20, 2006 8:28 AM
Ah...it could be worse...not sure how, but I bet it could be. Is that chair comfortable??
Posted by: Zoely | December 20, 2006 10:53 AM
Could you hire a neighborhood kid to steal and burn it?
Now there's a Christmasy thought for ya.
;)
Posted by: Rachel | December 20, 2006 11:34 AM
It looks so damn harmless but I can imagine wanting to douse it in gasoline and striking a match every time it bursts into song. :)
Posted by: flygirl | December 20, 2006 2:36 PM
I think that what's he's actually doing is calling you a "Ho", Tommy. Kick his ass!
Posted by: Dawn (webmiztris) | December 21, 2006 10:26 AM
It's hard to kill Santas at Christmas.....but IF you can handle it.....leave him on door until February 15th....
SURELY Cupid will take care of him with one of those handy arrows!
Posted by: airplanejayne | December 21, 2006 10:34 AM
Damn! It's in your town too! :(
Posted by: Seamus | December 21, 2006 2:29 PM
that thing is truly freeky ....got a light bulb thought for you though tie it to the front of the next big rig you seeon the front of its bummper
Posted by: dj bain | December 21, 2006 4:12 PM
Run T run! That thing is SATAN!!!! aarrrgghhhhh
Posted by: ole blue | December 21, 2006 8:39 PM