Alive ...
I'm alive and still sober. Look, I don't know what's going on with me. I know the medicine I was taking seemed to be working but I guess it's not ... or at least not like I need it too. I'm depressed, I get angry at the drop of a hat. A look, a perceived slight, I mean anything that happens sets me down that fucking road to self-pitysville and I'm not used to that. I'm the life of the party, the guy that always sees the glass half full, the guy with the easy smile and belly laugh. But it seems that guy went AWOL. I haven't seen him for a couple of months and you can only fake it for so long. (Ever seen "Weekend at Bernies"?)
I was really looking forward to getting some recovery-type shit started with that appointment yesterday and when they canceled it that started the ball rolling. The rest of the day went downhill from that point. I am (internally) on the defensive on a lot of fronts these days and under a great deal of pressure. I brood, obsess, over analyze and generally drive myself fucking nuts. Sometimes shit just gets into my head and grows and grows until I feel it leaking out my ears and nose. I'm also dealing with the demise of two relationships. One of which absolutely decimated me. I feel like a knife has been shoved in my guts and they are spilling out all over my shoes. Sometimes thinking about that makes me want to fucking just give up. I mean, really? What's the point.
Most of the time, I feel I don't have anyplace to turn, anyone to talk to or anyway to get rid of these feelings and that just adds to the depression. I know friends tire of it. I mean seriously, who wants to continually hear about my problems? I doubt I'd be stopping by, IMing or reading me either if I were subjected to the pile of shit that seems to rule my conversations and waking thoughts right now. I know what I have to do. I have to nut up, grow up and get the fuck over it. I'm trying but it isn't easy. Apparently I'm not as strong as I thought I was. "Welcome to being grown ups," right?
I don't mean to scare or worry anybody. I'm not gonna drink or hurt myself. I don't mean to depress you or run you off either. I appreciate those that did contact me and offered their concern, advice and encouragement. You'll never really understand what that means to me. Thank you.
This shit storm, too shall pass and one day I'll be better. Until then you should probably stay away or buckle up cause it could be a fairly bi-polar ride. Just giving you fair warning.
Comments
*shaking your hand* hello twin.
Posted by: sandi | November 21, 2006 2:46 PM
just huggin you real tight TG.
I think we are on the same ride and I want off.
Just one moment at a time, and breathe m'kay?
love ya hon.
Posted by: Chris | November 21, 2006 4:57 PM
emailing you...
Posted by: Biscuit | November 21, 2006 5:36 PM
'Apparently I'm not as strong as I thought I was.'
that's because you've found out you are stronger than you thought, right??? do NOT make me come to louisiana and hurt you for meaning something different by that comment! take it back now, dammit! we covered this. and you know you've got my ear whenever you need it.
now here's a hug
Posted by: lime | November 21, 2006 5:52 PM
"Sometimes thinking about that makes me want to fucking just give up. I mean, really? What's the point."
I SO understand this. I want off this crazy ride too please.
Hugs TG, for you and all of us...
Posted by: Susanne | November 21, 2006 7:57 PM
You make 100% sense to me.... more than you know.
Love you my friend.
Posted by: Wenchy | November 21, 2006 8:08 PM
The difference between being drunk and sober? Dealing with life without a buzzzz.
My first year sober was horrible, I had no means to cope with stress. I thought life would be great when I sobered up, in fact, it sucked, and I had alot of messes to clean up. I could feel things again, and it all felt wrong. I had to re-learn how to be happy... it took time, lots of it.
TALK, as much as you can, especially to those who have been in the same tunnel you're in. When you know that other's have made it through, it gives hope that you can make it through too.
*This* IS part of the recovery process. Even without the Doctor, you are already on your way there. Remember that getting wounded is quick and easy, it's the healing that is painful.
You will be fine Tommy, just fine. I know that with all of my heart.
Posted by: addict | November 21, 2006 11:14 PM
PS... Remember this blog is your outlet... you're not writting for us, this is for you!
:D
Posted by: addict | November 21, 2006 11:16 PM
All I can offer is another cyber hug, until you get to the right doctor who can find the right "happy" pill. You will be happy again, and look back on those posts and remember how dark the other side really was. But you WILL be happy again. Hold on to that thought and nag your local shrinks for an appointment before the holidays!
Posted by: Annette | November 21, 2006 11:52 PM
Glad to hear you are back amoung us. Dealing with the bullshit of life while sober really sucks. You ARE STRONG to be able to do that.
Posted by: singbrla | November 22, 2006 7:20 AM
I've been doing a lot of thinking about strength lately, and how so often it is equated with stoicism and equanimity. But I think it takes less strength to deny it all than to ride the waves and deal with the shit as best you can, instead of curling up in a ball and not moving, or taking an early exit. That is to say, you are stronger than you thought; we've all just been defining "strength" wrong.
Posted by: Sister Spikey Mace | November 23, 2006 12:18 PM