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I have kinda been in a funk lately but I'm coming to realize a few things. First is that I have been surrounded by people for the past two decades and gotten into a pattern of taking for granted that they are around. I haven't had to be alone in a long time. I used to think that being alone would be heaven after all the demands that parenthood, partnership and the rest put on you. Just to be responsible for yourself and no one else, to have the time to take care of ME. That would be great! I feel like I haven't dreamed about what I want out of life for a long time. There were, and still are, obligations that got in the way. you get into a pattern and suddenly 20 years have gone by and the things you used to think you would have done by now are still just distant specks on the horizon, if you can see them at all. I think it's time to start dreaming again.
My wife and I don't have friends outside the home. Sad huh? For at least the past ten years we have hung out at the house on our time off. Weekends watching sports ... all weekend. It was what we planned and spent our time doing. Oh, we might go shopping (other than groceries) and make a day trip out of it. We went out to eat once in a while but that was about all the social interaction we had with anyone outside each other. What happens then is, over the years, your social skills stagnate and you stop looking for things to do outside. The more time you spend in that pattern, the worse it gets. It's a downward spiral. And when it's just the two of you, habits develop, behavior patterns. You know what conversations to avoid, how to act and react to keep the peace ... you almost become an automotron just going through the motions. Self gets buried. Personality flaws (with regards to social interaction) are ignored but that doesn't mean they aren't there. It just means you aren't dealing with people and you never see the flaws in action. Out of sight, out of mind so to speak.
I have had some interaction lately and those flaws show they are still there! They showed up with a vengance and made me think about just what in the fuck I was all about. What makes me intrinsicly me? It's a need to belong, a need to please, a need to avoid confrontation at any cost. But it's more than that. It's a need to seek approval. The need to be needed and when that wasn't forthcoming, I pouted and got jealous and hurtful like a rouge second grader, except the second grader could probably be reasoned with better. I think a lot of that comes from having an addictive personality. Drugs or other bad habits aren't the only things that can take over your life, sometimes you can get addicted to people and emotions too. It's called co-dependency and that's just as fucked up ... believe me. I'm going to see the man here in a bit to see what I need to do to address those issues. God I hate being an addict!
Being alone scares the shit out of me. It really does. But I'm coming to learn (and I'm not saying I fully understand this yet) that the only one responsible for my happiness is me. That being alone is a definite outcome of the path I have chosen. That I have things wrong with me that need addressing and if I ever want to be with someone again, I better get to it. But do I want to be with anyone again? I don't know. If it means falling back into the same pattern of bullshit that got me where I am today, I think I'll pass.
Does love really exist? That romantic love that you read about or is it just a figment of Hallmark's and some author's imagination? Is love enough to conquer all or is it just a fucking pipedream waiting to sucker punch you the minute you aren't looking? Do people ALWAYS end up letting each other down and hurting each other simply because they are human? Are relationships worth the chase, sacrifice and inevitable pain it takes to sustain them or are they just to messy and time consuming to be bothered with? Is there or has there ever been a truly happy marriage? Is sentimentality and strong emotion a sign of weakness? Should we shut them down and let logic rule our heads and hearts? These are just some of the things that are running through my mind today. What do you think? I'd love to hear your thoughts. If you don't want to comment publicly, I do have e-mail. Feel free to use it. Have a great Friday and an even better weekend ya'll. I'm gonna find a mountain top to grow a beard and ponder the universe from ... or at least take a road trip and get off by myself for a while. Wish me luck! Laters