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So I quit drinking coming up on three months ago and things have een wondreful. I'm losing weight, my emotions and my personality is conming under control and life is pretty good. There ws one problem ... I used to drink myself to sleep and since the aclohol has left the building, the insomnia moved toght in. I mean shit! What's a fat assed drunk to do? Talk to an expert of course. So I bring it up to Dr. Feelgood and he prescribes me a sleeping pill. It works ... kinda. It puts me to sleep but it doesn't really keep me there all night. I'm getting up a t 3 in the fucking morning, every morning and can't get back to sleep! This shit sucks! So I do a little research. i hear through the blogger grapevine that a certain member of the royal family (Don't tell anybody but it's the Queen of Ass. SHHHHHH! It's a secret ... unless you read her blog.) has a sure fire way of getting to sleep. Being a member of the ryal family ... ok I'm actually the court jester ... alright I saw her once on the parapet of the castle seconds before a guard threw me to the ground and stepped on my neck, nicely showing me the proper way to render honor to her majesty. Well, I figured since we shared so much together in common ( I mean she has eunichs that surround her everyday satisfying her every wanton need and I am impotent and surround myself everyday to fulfill those same needs) that i would ask her advice.
"Who the fuck do I look like? Dear Abby? Doctor Doolittle? And who the fuck are you little man?" her dulcet tones inquired sweetly. "Off with the impotent bastards heads! ... but put him in a tux first. See if he's gonna be impotent, he oughta look impotant!" That brought the throne room to it's knees, which is her preferred place for them. At least that's what they say in the vomitorium.
So as the royal guard was dragging me away, she hollered out "He wanted me to tell him about the fucking Ambien! What a fucking tool! Cheesecake! GET ME MY FUCKING CHEESECAKE ASSHOLES ... AND WINE!" I knew it was a secret message meant for my ears only and said thanks to the godess for her help.I'll have to name my next born after her ... Ball Buster Gunn ... has a certain je ne se quas to it don'tcha think?(pssst: what does gen ner se kwa mean?" But I digress.) After they got done with my head, I found myself in Doctor Feelgood's office again where I asked for, nay demanded the magic elixer to help me sleep.After cajoling, whining, crying and finally taking over repayment of his student loans, he relented.
See folks (peasants) the queen really is the shiznit. She knew what she spoke of. That shit (Ambien) is better thaan a blow job from a syphillitic cow. (Hey, we live in the country. We don't even have a starbucks for Jason's sake!) So the Duke of Pornia has joned our queen on the Ambien express and theings are once again snoring along in the Dutchy. There are a couple of drawbacks however. The shit works fast so if I'm in the middle of a conversation and my next reply looks like "aihijna yqy ppoiu euryw8q347 htigh IJG PIj" It's time to go to bed. Hallucinations are also a possibility although they haven't manifested in my caseyet. On Ambien you tend to forget shit too. I call it ambien amnesia and don't let that snooty, large breasted, tight assed, beautifu ... what the fuck was my point? Oh yeah don't let her tell you otherwise. So If I call you a "dung filled dunderhead that would rtather stick their 'sword' into a fence post than face the hippo of a wife that's waiting back home for you with banans and chocolate syrup (not for eating mind you)." It's the ambien speaking. Honest. Outta my control. If however I am brilliant and snarky and funny and and make you laugh uncontrollably (and really? When do I not?) that is all on me.Oh and if you see the occasional bruise on me, it means I got up in the middle of the night and slid along the wall to my future ex-wifes closet, enconced myself inside and took a dump in her prada shoes. As you can see, I have taken the magic pill tonight and am ready to dust the wall on my way to bed. Hope the mother fucker moved those shoes ... the points were a pain when I had to wipe. Good nighsnrkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk