**

I have kinda been in a funk lately but I'm coming to realize a few things. First is that I have been surrounded by people for the past two decades and gotten into a pattern of taking for granted that they are around. I haven't had to be alone in a long time. I used to think that being alone would be heaven after all the demands that parenthood, partnership and the rest put on you. Just to be responsible for yourself and no one else, to have the time to take care of ME. That would be great! I feel like I haven't dreamed about what I want out of life for a long time. There were, and still are, obligations that got in the way. you get into a pattern and suddenly 20 years have gone by and the things you used to think you would have done by now are still just distant specks on the horizon, if you can see them at all. I think it's time to start dreaming again.
My wife and I don't have friends outside the home. Sad huh? For at least the past ten years we have hung out at the house on our time off. Weekends watching sports ... all weekend. It was what we planned and spent our time doing. Oh, we might go shopping (other than groceries) and make a day trip out of it. We went out to eat once in a while but that was about all the social interaction we had with anyone outside each other. What happens then is, over the years, your social skills stagnate and you stop looking for things to do outside. The more time you spend in that pattern, the worse it gets. It's a downward spiral. And when it's just the two of you, habits develop, behavior patterns. You know what conversations to avoid, how to act and react to keep the peace ... you almost become an automotron just going through the motions. Self gets buried. Personality flaws (with regards to social interaction) are ignored but that doesn't mean they aren't there. It just means you aren't dealing with people and you never see the flaws in action. Out of sight, out of mind so to speak.
I have had some interaction lately and those flaws show they are still there! They showed up with a vengance and made me think about just what in the fuck I was all about. What makes me intrinsicly me? It's a need to belong, a need to please, a need to avoid confrontation at any cost. But it's more than that. It's a need to seek approval. The need to be needed and when that wasn't forthcoming, I pouted and got jealous and hurtful like a rouge second grader, except the second grader could probably be reasoned with better. I think a lot of that comes from having an addictive personality. Drugs or other bad habits aren't the only things that can take over your life, sometimes you can get addicted to people and emotions too. It's called co-dependency and that's just as fucked up ... believe me. I'm going to see the man here in a bit to see what I need to do to address those issues. God I hate being an addict!
Being alone scares the shit out of me. It really does. But I'm coming to learn (and I'm not saying I fully understand this yet) that the only one responsible for my happiness is me. That being alone is a definite outcome of the path I have chosen. That I have things wrong with me that need addressing and if I ever want to be with someone again, I better get to it. But do I want to be with anyone again? I don't know. If it means falling back into the same pattern of bullshit that got me where I am today, I think I'll pass.
Does love really exist? That romantic love that you read about or is it just a figment of Hallmark's and some author's imagination? Is love enough to conquer all or is it just a fucking pipedream waiting to sucker punch you the minute you aren't looking? Do people ALWAYS end up letting each other down and hurting each other simply because they are human? Are relationships worth the chase, sacrifice and inevitable pain it takes to sustain them or are they just to messy and time consuming to be bothered with? Is there or has there ever been a truly happy marriage? Is sentimentality and strong emotion a sign of weakness? Should we shut them down and let logic rule our heads and hearts? These are just some of the things that are running through my mind today. What do you think? I'd love to hear your thoughts. If you don't want to comment publicly, I do have e-mail. Feel free to use it. Have a great Friday and an even better weekend ya'll. I'm gonna find a mountain top to grow a beard and ponder the universe from ... or at least take a road trip and get off by myself for a while. Wish me luck! Laters

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 10:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

So I've lost 41 pounds so far and I feel pretty good. I have done this solely by watching what I eat ... or don't eat as the case may be. I haven't gotten back in the gym yet but I am starting soon. I'm sure there will be more pics coming as the ass gets tighter and the six pacs (the good kind this time) start to appear. I'm gonna do this ya'll. On a personal note, there was something that was taking up a lot of my time for the past couple of months. That is no longer a problem. I have really been obsessed lately. Honestly? I know I am co-dependent (emotionally) and may be bi-polar I don't know. I am going to talk to my Doctor about it the next time I see him. Maybe it's just shit from the divorce but I need to talk to someone.
Second, Boobiethon 2006 starts Sunday. It's a great cause and you getta see boobs without worrying about sitting through a chick-flick, dinner and hours of inane conversation. Everybody wins ... especially the fight against breast cancer. So donate and hell, you might even think about submitting a pic. Guys? You're eligible too!
Next, if you want to know whenever pearls of wisdom drip from my lips (or keyboard in this case) put your e-mail in the box on the sidebar and an e-mail will be delivered whenever they do ... drip that is.
I know you've heard it before, but this time? Really? I am gonna be around a lot more. I have a lot of time to fill and kill these days and I need to get on with things (like my life.) So holla! I'll be here. HNT is below the fold. Lets just say I'm half the man I used to be (but not there ... that's still all me and I have the pics to prove it) so click and enjoy the new me. God, I HATE my fucking body and can't really believe I'm doing this! Told you I was nucking futz. HHNT ya'll.

Like the way I made it black and white so I can call it art and not porn? Me too. For more nekkidness go see the man and get in on the fun. HHNT ya'll.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 8:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (30)

edit: God, I hope I'm not jinxing myself by telling ya'll this, but I just found out that I made it through the first cut for the job I applied for. That doesn't mean I'm gonna get it ... just that I'm qualified and being considered for it. I would appreciate any good thoughts/vibes/voodoo chants/animal sacrifices or other supplications to the gods/goddesses you could offer on my behalf. Thanks ya'll. Here's hoping for good news!
Just a few things. I weighed myself the other day and have lost another 10 pounds. I am down to 190. Now that may sound like "So What!" but it's a pretty big deal for me. I haven't weighed less than 200 pounds since I got out of Army basic training back in 1982. So with this new weight loss, I decided I needed to see about getting some new jeans. I headed to Wally-Mart and tried on a few pair of Levis. I walked in wearing jeans with a 38 waist. The jeans I fit into were size 30! I couldn't fucking believe it ya'll! I knew I was getting thin but dayumn! I think I will buy a pair of 32's however. They fit well and I wouldn't wanna be responsible for the lawsuits that would eventually come after women driving the highways got wet, got distracted and caused a huge pileup after seeing my tight little ass! (ok, it's not really tight or little, but it's littler and tighter than it used to be! WOOT!)
Second, we heard all summer about the price of gas being high and staying high for ever. You couldn't turn on the radio or TV without hearing something about it. Today gas in the Bayou State is at $2.21 per gallon. Where are all the fucking news reports about that? I mean Jesus! That's news! And some Texas friends tell me it's $2.05 over there! (thanks for rubbing it in asshat! Yeah I mean you!) Can it possibly go under $2.00 soon? Time will tell.
Third, I got the dress code changed at work today all by my lonesome! I went out and covered a deployment ceremony for a unit heading to Iraq today and I wore *gasp* jeans to work! OH THE HUMANITY! They weren't ragged or dirty. They were Calvin fucking Kliens for gods sake and I wore a collared, button up shirt with it. Long story short? We aren't allowed to wear jeans to work anymore and it's all my fault. Yeah I'm real popular with the guys and gals at work right now. Fucking rule making fucktards are out to ruin my life. It's prolly cuz I look so damned good. Did I mention that I've lost 41 pounds now? Cuz I have.
Fourth, It was 59 degrees when I woke up this morning and the high was only in the low 80s today with clear, blue skies and tons of mild sunshine. Is it perverse to get a hard on and stain my jeans because of the weather? I think not!
Finally, I told you guys about this song a while ago and posted the lyrics. Here it is if you wanna give it a listen. I don't really play Musical Monday but it kinda fits my mood today. Enjoy ...

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 5:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (16)

I haven't had a lot for ya'll this past couple of weeks. I don't know. Maybe it's the phase of the moon or something but my creative urge has just seemed to go up in smoke lately. I don't have the drive to do anything these days it seems. I think the only way to get over it is to make like the old Nike commercial and "Just do it!" So I am.
I applied for a new job in a different state recently. It would be a promotion and it would get me out of hicksville U.S.A. and put me in a much better place. I hope I haven't just jinxed it by telling you about it but if I did I might as well totally screw the pooch by asking you to send good thoughts my way for it.
I just went over my third month of sobriety and am feeling fine. I still get the urge to go grab a six pack when stress rears it's ugly head but not so much as before and I haven't given in to the urge yet. More good thoughts please. thankyouverymuch.
Some of you replied about my Friday post and were a little worried about me it seems. You know about my family situation. Well, it's pretty good most of the time. She works nights and I work days. We see each other maybe for about 30 minutes per day (split between morning and night) during the week. It's just when the weekend comes that things get a little hairy. Now don't get me wrong ... there is not a lot of yelling, screaming and fighting going on but most of the time you could cut the tension with a knife. I want to leave and take myself out of the equation but I don't want to feel like I am just abandoning the kids . I know. It doesn't make a bit of fucking sense to me either, but it's what I feel. I will be moving out as soon as I can save the cash to pay the deposits and other shit but until that time comes, I'll have to learn to deal with the situation. I'm trying. It's just that after 21 years? Old habits die hard, ya know?
Now for the HNT ...

I present a pair of mugs. One is my own lousy excuse for a face (note to self: SHAVE FOR CHRIST'S SAKE ALREADY!) The other? The one with the butterfly? That's the mug I got here. It's just one of the items Beth is offering for sale. She has a good reason for doing it too. There's lots of neat shit there and she has some beautiful photography to put on it. And the best part? Profits are going to benefit the Lupus Foundation of America. If you are able, I'm sure she will appreciate your support. I guess that's about it for now. I do have a great post about jerkey making coming up so stay tuned and if you want to be notified when I DO post, put your e-mail addy in the box on the sidebar. Simple and effective. Happy HNT Ya'll and lets be careful out there. Okay?

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 9:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (31)

with Willie No More. In case you haven't heard, the quintessential poster boy for cannabis usage until death got busted today on I-10 near Breaux Bridge, LA.

FROM THE ASSOCIATED PRESS LAFAYETTE, Louisiana (AP) -- Willie Nelson and four others were issued misdemeanor citations for possession of narcotic mushrooms and marijuana after a traffic stop Monday morning on a Louisiana highway, state police said. The citations were issued after a commercial vehicle inspection of the country music star's tour bus, state police said in a news release. "When the door was opened and the trooper began to speak to the driver, he smelled the strong odor of marijuana," the news release said. A search of the bus produced 11/2 pounds of marijuana and 0.2 pounds of narcotic mushrooms, according to state police. A call to Nelson's publicist wasn't immediately returned. Also cited were Tony Sizemore, 59, of St. Cloud, Florida; Bobbie Nelson, 75, of Briarcliff, Texas; Gates Moore, 54, of Austin, Texas; and David Anderson, 50, of Dallas, Texas. Each was released after being issued a citation. Nelson, 73, has recorded songs including "On the Road Again" and "City of New Orleans."

So in honor of my hero being given a slap on the wrist when I would have ended up UNDER the jail, I present you Toby Keith's "Weed With Willie." Pass that fucker baby!

I always heard that his herb was top shelf Lord I just could not wait to find out for myself. Well don't knock it till you've tried it. And I've tried it my friend. I'll never smoke Weed with willie again!

Now we learned a hard lesson in a small Texas town
He fired up a fat boy and he passed it around
The last words I spoke before they tucked me in
I may discount Bungee jump but,
I'll never smoke weed with Willie again.

[Chorus:]
I'll never smoke weed with Willie again
My party's all over before it begins
You can pour me some Old Whiskey River my friend.
But I'll never smoke weed with Willie again

We hopped on his old bus the Honeysuckel Rose
The party was Huntsville, it was after the show
Alone in the front lounge, just me and him
I took one friendly puff and the grim creeper set in

[Chorus]

Now we're passin' the guitar, we're tellin' good jokes
I can tell one's a comin' 'cause I'm smellin' smoke
No I do not partake I just let it pass by
With a grin on my face and a great contact high

[Chorus]

In the fetal position with drool on my chin
We broke down and smoked weed with Willie again

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 9:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

I was surfing a bit to day and came across this site for the crafter wanting to take their game to a whole new level. Guys and gals? Lets get out those glue guns and crafting tools and get to work! Happy Weekend all!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 11:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Friday and the weekend are again upon us. Lately? Fridays and the weekend are things I have come to dread. On the other hand, I'm not really enjoying work either. I think I'll check myself into a sanitarium or something cuz I must be fucking nuts. As for the weekend? Fuck weekends. I need a vacation ... in Antarctica or somewhere isolated. Fuck it. Later ya'll

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 1:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

It takes a lot to really impress me. I have known a lot of people who have done a lot of great things. In the course of my life I have interviewed mayors, sheriffs, congressmen, senators, war heros and many more "great" people. They were impressive but not nearly as impressive to me as a fellow blogger who has become a great friend.
Beth over at Queen of Ass is that friend. If you know her, you know some of her story if not you can read her archives (believe me, they are worth your time.) She is the strongest woman I know. She has done more with her life than a lot of people I know and has done so while dealing with circumstances that would leave most people lying in the corner in a fetal position sucking their thumbs and blubbering incoherently. Beth has Lupus and has had for the past several years. She blogs about it occasionally but most of the time she is just funny, snarky, sexy, intelligent and witty. She is always a good read and I highly recommend her blog.
Beth is also a hell of a photographer who was recently selected for publication in a calendar. She has decided that for the rest of the month, she is going to do something to raise money for the Lupus foundation. She is offering her photographs for sale with all profits going to the fight against Lupus. Her latest post talks about her struggle and why she is doing what she is doing. I would ask you to go read it and open your wallets to lend a hand. She inspires me to be better than I am, she makes me laugh on a daily basis and she amazes me with her drive and determination.
Beth, I am truly blessed to call you a friend. I really admire you and wish you the best in your struggles. You have conquered everything you have set your mind to thus far and I have no doubt that lupus will be sorry it fucked with you before you are done. You are the epitomy of class and grace and I'm proud to know you. God bless you babe.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 2:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I work on an Army post in west central Louisiana (just try and figure out which one, I dare you!). Every afternoon when I get off work, I stop by this convenience store right outside the gate and pick up a liter of Diet Dr. Pepper and a cup of ice for the trip home. (Liters of Coke products are currently on sale for $1.07 INCLUDING TAX. I also have my own cup so the ice is free and hey, that's just the way Tommy rolls) So i'm leaving work at 2:45 p.m. this afternoon (your tax dollars at work America) and stop by my store to get my drink when what should assail my eyes? This:

Now maybe you're scratching your head and saying to yourself "So what Tommy. What's so strange about that? Everybody knows the price of gas is high. Get over it." and you would be right ... almost. You see, when I drive home (it's about a 25 minute drive so say 30 miles?) I pass another gas station and what to my wondering eyes should appear? (like the way I tied this post to my holiday post below? You should read it. It's good shit) THIS:

Twenty-eight cents difference? I mean WTF? Within 30 miles of each other? I will never understand this shit so if there are any petrochemical engineers out there that can explain this business model to me, I would certainly appreciate it. I am pro big-business but dayumn! Gimme a freaking break! Add to that the fact that I was in Texas this past weekend and filled up at the cellar-scraping price of $2.46 per gallon ... all weekend long. And also, does anyone besides me find it fascinating that we have all come to regard these prices as the norm now? I'm gonna protest somehow. I don't know how yet, but damnit ... In the words of Jeff Lebowski, "This aggression will not stand, man!" [/rant]
On another note, after being near the big metropolis of DFW this weekend I have come to the conclusion that there is a decided lack of choice when it comes to radio stations in my area. I have recently dusted off the cassette player in my car and am using it to listen to audiobooks to and from work. I have "read" Anita Diamant's The Red Tent, Margaret Atwood's The Blind Assassin and am currently listening to Stephen King and Peter Straub's The Talisman. I got the book back in 1984 I believe when it first came out and have read and re-read it many times. I have NOT read it lately and I am reminded daily of how good a book it really is. I highly recommend it if you are looking for something you haven't read before. Just sayin.
Oh and as far as the gratuitous pic goes, I passed this new place right outside the main gate as well and it reminded me of a friend.

No One? I didn't know you cooked Chinese! Got any discount programs for a dear friend? And most importantly, do you deliver? Hope ya'll have a great weekend. Ta-ta!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 4:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

It's September 8 but I can't help thinking about what's just around the corner. It's an insideous time of year that normally makes me want to throw up. Some of it is okay, some not so okay and some is just so wrong on so many levels I don't even know where to begin. Course that's never stopped me before so here goes.
I'm talking about the holiday season. Yep, that's right only September and already the dread of the final quarter of the year is settling into my bones. It starts out very promising with Halloween. Now I have to tell you that Halloween is my favorite holiday of the year. I don't know if it's the dark side of me or what but I freaking LOVE the holiday. I love the fact that A&E does all the spooky specials and that TMC, AMC and the other channels show all the classic horror films non-stop. Little secret about Tommy ... when I was a kid? I always wanted to be a vampire. Maybe it was because Christopher Lee always had a bevy of sexy vampire babes at his feet, maybe it was the fact that vamps are creatures of the night. I don't know. I know I love hanging out in cemetaries and I have always been a night person (until I became an adult and had to work days ... that kinda put a damper on things.) So you getting the point here? I love it! I love decorating the house, scaring the crap out of the neighborhood kids ... hell I even get dressed up myself. I have a red wig and a hooded druid-type costume I wear every year on that night. I put the white facepaint on, darken my eyes with eye pencil and eye shadow, and even put blood red lipstick on. I go all out for the holiday but too soon it's gone and then the real push begins.
Thanksgiving is next. Now thanksgiving is ... okay, I guess.
(EDITOR'S NOTE: It gets kinda wonky, a little scary and a lot depressing from here on in. Enter at your own risk. You have been warned...)

I mean there is the food, but being a diabetic, I really do try to watch what I eat so most of the deserts are out or at least like I used to eat them. Then there is the family. Now don't get me wrong ... I love my family. I just find that spending all day with them is a bit trying after about eight or ten hours. A man can only be preached at about this and that for so long before he wants to hit the wall or something. Add to that a bunch of surly, bored kids and ... well, you get the point. The only saving grace really? Football! All day long. I love football in case you didn't know but even that has a downside ... Normally it's the Dallas Cowboys playing and if there's anything I hate ... it's the Dallas Cowboys. (But I'm getting off point. Sorry, got lost in a rant there.) After all that comes "Black Friday."
The Friday after Thanksgiving is the start of the most depressing time of the year for me ... the lead up to the Christmas season. Now let me explain something. I'm all about the decorations, the music, the reason for the season ... you know. Peace on Earth, good will toward men and all that? Hell, I've told you before I love shopping so it should actually be my favorite time of year but it's not. I dread it. The crowds, the surly salespeople, the commercialization of it all. Then there are the parties where you hang out with a bunch of people who don't want to be there, that you may not even like or enjoy talking to. But you put on the smiley face knowing that a dip in the pits of hell with Satan poking your feet with a pitchfork would be more enjoyable. The day arrives and again, with the family. Didn't we just do this? Can't we just e-mail each other? You get to watch the false joy when grandpa opens up the "Old Spice" shaving set and Uncle Boudreaux crows over the book that you got him then promptly throws it on the stack of his other stuff waiting for the next turn around the tree. Is it just me that thinks it's all bullshit?
There is a saving grace for Christmas though. It's the little kids. The joy on their faces, their innocent belief that there is a fat man riding a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer delivering presents to all the boys and girls in the world. That joy when they open the presents the fat man left and the "WOW'"s and the "Look at what Santa brought me!"'s make it all worthwhile for me.
This year is going to be particularly hard for me in my situation. I won't be attending my wife's families celebrations and I assume (although I'm not sure) that she wont be attending mine. If it weren't for my kids (who are well beyond the Magic of Christmas phase now) I would drive somewhere and spend a week by myself in a hotel drinking my blues away. But, I'll sally forth, put on the smiley face and exchange my "Merry Christmas" and "Happy Holiday" greetings, throw my spare change in the red bucket stationed outside every store in town and try to pretend that I give a shit. It is the holiday season after all. Ho fucking Ho, Ho! Wonder if Ebineezer has plans this year?

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 9:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

This is how SHE makes me feel. Love you honey.

and the gratuitous butterfly shot ...

Happy Thursday ya'll. I know mine certainly is shaping up that way.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 11:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

So I quit drinking coming up on three months ago and things have een wondreful. I'm losing weight, my emotions and my personality is conming under control and life is pretty good. There ws one problem ... I used to drink myself to sleep and since the aclohol has left the building, the insomnia moved toght in. I mean shit! What's a fat assed drunk to do? Talk to an expert of course. So I bring it up to Dr. Feelgood and he prescribes me a sleeping pill. It works ... kinda. It puts me to sleep but it doesn't really keep me there all night. I'm getting up a t 3 in the fucking morning, every morning and can't get back to sleep! This shit sucks! So I do a little research. i hear through the blogger grapevine that a certain member of the royal family (Don't tell anybody but it's the Queen of Ass. SHHHHHH! It's a secret ... unless you read her blog.) has a sure fire way of getting to sleep. Being a member of the ryal family ... ok I'm actually the court jester ... alright I saw her once on the parapet of the castle seconds before a guard threw me to the ground and stepped on my neck, nicely showing me the proper way to render honor to her majesty. Well, I figured since we shared so much together in common ( I mean she has eunichs that surround her everyday satisfying her every wanton need and I am impotent and surround myself everyday to fulfill those same needs) that i would ask her advice.
"Who the fuck do I look like? Dear Abby? Doctor Doolittle? And who the fuck are you little man?" her dulcet tones inquired sweetly. "Off with the impotent bastards heads! ... but put him in a tux first. See if he's gonna be impotent, he oughta look impotant!" That brought the throne room to it's knees, which is her preferred place for them. At least that's what they say in the vomitorium.
So as the royal guard was dragging me away, she hollered out "He wanted me to tell him about the fucking Ambien! What a fucking tool! Cheesecake! GET ME MY FUCKING CHEESECAKE ASSHOLES ... AND WINE!" I knew it was a secret message meant for my ears only and said thanks to the godess for her help.I'll have to name my next born after her ... Ball Buster Gunn ... has a certain je ne se quas to it don'tcha think?(pssst: what does gen ner se kwa mean?" But I digress.) After they got done with my head, I found myself in Doctor Feelgood's office again where I asked for, nay demanded the magic elixer to help me sleep.After cajoling, whining, crying and finally taking over repayment of his student loans, he relented.
See folks (peasants) the queen really is the shiznit. She knew what she spoke of. That shit (Ambien) is better thaan a blow job from a syphillitic cow. (Hey, we live in the country. We don't even have a starbucks for Jason's sake!) So the Duke of Pornia has joned our queen on the Ambien express and theings are once again snoring along in the Dutchy. There are a couple of drawbacks however. The shit works fast so if I'm in the middle of a conversation and my next reply looks like "aihijna yqy ppoiu euryw8q347 htigh IJG PIj" It's time to go to bed. Hallucinations are also a possibility although they haven't manifested in my caseyet. On Ambien you tend to forget shit too. I call it ambien amnesia and don't let that snooty, large breasted, tight assed, beautifu ... what the fuck was my point? Oh yeah don't let her tell you otherwise. So If I call you a "dung filled dunderhead that would rtather stick their 'sword' into a fence post than face the hippo of a wife that's waiting back home for you with banans and chocolate syrup (not for eating mind you)." It's the ambien speaking. Honest. Outta my control. If however I am brilliant and snarky and funny and and make you laugh uncontrollably (and really? When do I not?) that is all on me.Oh and if you see the occasional bruise on me, it means I got up in the middle of the night and slid along the wall to my future ex-wifes closet, enconced myself inside and took a dump in her prada shoes. As you can see, I have taken the magic pill tonight and am ready to dust the wall on my way to bed. Hope the mother fucker moved those shoes ... the points were a pain when I had to wipe. Good nighsnrkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 10:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)

I'm speechless almost. My mom is a very religious woman. She is always busting my chops about being in church, getting the kids in church and she leads by example. Everytime the doors are open she is there. She even goes to the BUISNESS meetings ya'll.
You know that my wife and I are divorcing. My parents didn't ... until now. I was sooooo afraid to tell my mom especially because of how religious she is. You see, I have a real big problem with failure and disappointment. Sometimes I feel like EVERYTHING I TOUCH turns to a big pile of shit. I don't know where the fuck it comes from, I just feel like an abject failure. At the same time I feel like I have disappointed all the important people in my life. This divorce is a double whammy. I feel like a failure because I couldn't hold it together and I feel like I was going to disappoint my parents yet again. Kinda proving to them that I can't do anything right.
My mom called today and during the course of our conversation she asked if "we" were alright. You see she knew. Said she had known for a month or so. I couldn't hide it anymore and, literally, broke down and told her we are splitting up.
She understood.
She didn't judge.
She told me to think of the kids.
She offered her support and me a place to stay if I need it.
She let me cry and get some things off my chest.
I can't tell you what a load off my mind that is ... what relief I feel coursing through my body, mind and soul right now. MY GOD! It's like the weight of the world has been taken off my shoulders. Thanks mom. I love you and I'm sorry but it has to be done. I am going on my road trip this weekend. My plans (meeting my blogger friend) fell through today but the hotel room is waiting and I am going anyway. I think I need some time to myself to think things out and who knows .. we still may get to hook up for lunch. Thanks to all of you for all your support and for being there even though I disappeared for a while. I think things are gonna be a little better from now on. God I fucking hope so. Right now though, I'm gonna take a shower and head to the high school football game. My youngest son marches in the band and he could probably use a one-man cheering section to embarrass him in front of his friends. Have a good weekend ya'll. Tommy out!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 5:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (14)