**

Me: "So God, I got a problem."
God: "Yeah, so what else is new? You always have a problem."
Me: "No really! You got time to answer a few questions?"
God: "I guess. Sit down. Want something to drink? Simon Peter mixes one HELL of a White Russian."
Me: "No that's okay. I quit drinking remember? I could use an ashtray though if you got one."
God: "You're shitting me! You quit drinking? Who gave you the will power for that? Certainly wasn't me!"
Me: "Yeah I know. I been meaning to talk to you about that. Thanks for nuttin!"
God: "Hey! I'm a busy diety. You think I got all day to worry about you and your petty assed problems? You know, maybe ... and I mean maybe ... at one time I could have. But today? There's just too many of you assholes out there to keep track of. I'd have to bring in extra help and do you know what a union would do to this place? Shit. It just ain't worth it!"
Me: "I thought you knew it everytime a sparrow fell from the sky? I thought you were all knowing, all seeing ... omnipotent. I mean WTF dude?"
God: "Advertising, man! I'm telling you it pays off big time. Don't believe me? Ask Bill Gates. Windows my ass. Give me a Mac anyday."
Me: "So all that stuff that was written in the Bible is BS? That doesn't seem right."
God: "No it's not BS. There are a lot of good things in there. Song of Solomon, for example. Have you read it? That stuff is HOT! But you know, you leave stuff up to a committee and things come out not quite like they were intended. I'm just too busy to go back and correct it now. Once it's in print, things just kind of take on a life of their own. It's the old 'genie out of the bottle' problem. If you went to business school instead of getting that Mass Communications degree, you'd know what I meant. But I'm busy, you said something about a problem?"
Me: "Oh yeah, sorry. Look, I heard a news report the other day that the Catholic church came out against a new way of harvesting stem cells even though it didn't involve the destruction of embryo's. Was that your doing? Cuz I know a lot of people that could use that. Sick people, infertile people ... people with real problems! I mean, what's wrong with you? Don't you give a crap?"
God: **sighs** "Tommy, You know, I was kicking around a long time ago and things were pretty good. I could go where I wanted, do what I wanted without answering to anybody. But I got a little lonely so I made you guys. I was young, dumb and full of ... well you know. My point is I gave you knowledge, free will, a great way to procreate ... I gave you all the keys to the kingdom man! After watching you guys for a few thousand years, I got tired and took a vacation. I come back and what's happened? You have taken my manual and blown it all out of proportion. Some take it absolutely literally, some ignore it, and you know? That's okay! It's all good. That's the free will part of it you see. But what really pisses me off is when people start proclaiming things I didn't authorize in my name. Or telling others how they should live their lives because I want it that way. If I didn't want you to have that knowledge and use it, I could stop it today. I mean, for Christ's sake ... I made you guys, I flooded the fucking world. You think I couldn't smudge that petrie dish if I wanted to?"
Jesus: "You called daddy?"
God: "No I'm sorry son ... I just got a little angry there. You finished mowing the lawn?"
Jesus: "Um, not yet. I was waiting for it to get a little cooler to finish."
God: "COOLER! Jesus Christ! It's heaven out there. Get your ass on that lawn or you ain't going to the movies Friday night!"
Jesus: "Whatever!"
God: "Kids .... pffft. What you gonna do with them these days. Now where were we?"
Me: "We were talking about knowledge ..."
God: "Oh yeah. Look, the bottom line is that I'm still here but I have a lot of stuff on my plate. I take the occasional glance at what's going on down there. I get reports all the time but you know? You guys could do a lot more for yourselves if you'd just have a little faith in the tools I gave you. Your brains for one thing and your concience ... your sense of what's right and wrong. It cracks me up to see how you guys molly coddle murderers and rapists. I'd have fried them a lot quicker than you do, but that's just me. And what was that whole Martha Stewart thing about? Talk about overkill!"
Me: "So we're just supposed to muddle by? Doing what we think is right without any guidance from you and just hope everything works out? Thanks for nothing! That's really helpful!"
God: "Look, I have it on good authority that devine intervention is HIGHLY overrated. But just because My hand doesn't reach out of the clouds to point out the right exit on the map doesn't mean I don't care. I gave you the map for Chr ..., er, My sake. You got the tools boy, Open your freaking eyes and use what I gave you. You know sometimes your whiney asses really piss me off!"
Me: "Wow, sorry God. I never really thought about it that way before. So it's okay to use what you gave us and it'll work out? I mean there are some really fucked up people in this world."
God: "I never promised you it would all work out the way you want it to. People are still gonna make bad decisions ... I mean look at Hitler. I had to mobilize just about the entire world to stop that whack job, but it was YOU people that actually did the hard work. Because you knew he was wrong and took a stand. All I'm saying is listen to your heart and use your brains. I put what you need in there, you just gotta shut up and listen to what they are telling you. Don't be selfish. Think about others now and again. Most importantly though, you should live like there's no tomorrow. That's what I want for you. Trust me. If things get too far out of hand, I still know how to lay a nasty assed smack-down on ya'll."
Me: "Ya'll? You from Texas?"
God: "They don't call it My country for nothing boy. Just remember that. Anything else?"
Me: "Yeah. I don't suppose you could give me Wednesday's ..."
God: "Fuggetaboutit. You're just gonna have to trust in the quick pick computer like I do. Now go ... and don't forget, just like He-man, you have the power. Don't be afraid to use it. Stop by again sometime, maybe I'll throw some shrimp on the que and we'll split a pitcher of Margaritas ... oh wait. You don't drink. I'll have a Diet Coke for you then. Just remember, I brought you into this world and I can take you out."
Me: "God? Thanks. I appreciate that. You're not at all what I expected you to be like."
God: "Now that's the first inteligent thing you've said all day!"