Baggage, but not the carry on kind ...
Edit: Sorry folks. This is as nekkid as it gets for this week. Be back next week. HHNTto you all!
I have to tell you. This is the hardest post I have ever had to write.
I hope I can get through it without turning into a blubbering idiot, but actually it's already too late for that. Sorry. I don't want to write it, I really don't, but deep down, I feel I have to. It's almost like an obsession at this point. I have been carrying this baggage around for decades and I hope that by putting it to paper (so to speak) I can exorcise the demons that taunt and torment me. They are eating my soul and I want them gone. It happens throughout the year but about this time of the year, every single fucking year, it really gets unbearable.
You see, June is my least favorite month of the year. Let me rephrase that ... June 14, Flag Day, is one of the greatest days I have ever known. June 19 is, as of this moment in time, the worst day I have ever had the misfortune of living through in my life. It also ruined my relationship with God, a relationship that was, until June 19, a fairly strong relationship. I was studying to be a preacher at one point in my life (that's another post for another day, so don't even ask) and all that was wiped away in the space of a dozen hours. I regret it but like some married couples, I can't forgive and forget.
My whole life is a dichotomy. I hate June and I love June. Does that sound fucked up? Yeah, you are right. It is. But there is a reason for that.
**Fair warning** This is going to be a fairly long post if I can get through it and definitely not a happy one. I may have to split it into two posts depending on how it affects me. Sorry, but I love you too much to lie to you. If you are looking for laughs or witty repartee, move along. Nothing to see here folks. If you want to get another small glimpse into how I got to be the person I am today ... then read on. I don't expect many of you to stick around and expect even fewer of you to comment but that's OK. This is for me today. Don't say you haven't been warned. Seriously! Don't fucking bitch at me if you go on and get disgusted. Everybody gone that's going? Good. Then lets get on with it.
1986 I was stationed in Germany. It was a good assignment and life was pretty good too. I had been married for over a year, my wife was pregnant with our first son and things were going pretty good.
We lived many miles from Ramstein Air Force Base (about a 45 minute drive) and I used to stop off at the NCO club for a few drinks after work.
That's not true ... I was beginning my downward spiral into alcoholism. I mean, damn! That German beer was GOOOOOOD! The end result was I had a pretty good buzz on when I left there every single night. As far as I knew, everything was going fine with the pregnancy! She took care of herself. Saw the doctor regularly. Took all her meds. She was a responsible mother-to-be.
June 18, she was about seven months pregnant and I was at the club preparing myself for the drive home. As I recall, there were ten 16oz Heinekin cans, empty, lined up in front of me and I was working on the eleventh when I got the call ... she was going into labor. My stomach sank and I think I sobered up immediately (even though I know that is medically impossible.) You see, deep down in my heart of hearts, not to mention my gut, I knew there was a problem. She was only seven months pregnant for Christ's sake!
I rushed out to the car (after slamming down the last of my eleventh of course) and headed home. I don't remember how I got there and I'm surprised I didn't get pulled over and arrested on the way. I'm lucky that I avoided a wreck that maight have (and probably should have) killed me on the way. Sometimes to this day I wish that would have happened. I finally got home. Thank God for the autobon! Even without my medical degree, I could tell she was definitely getting ready to have this baby NOW. We got our shit ready (we hadn't packed anything and weren't even thinking about the hospital yet) and headed back to the base hospital. I wish I would have had a video camera taping us. It must have looked like an episode of the "Keystone Cops" or "Three Stooges." I bet it would have been worth a laugh or two today!
If you've had contractions you know what that 45 minute trip was like. Again, I'm surprised we survived it. We got to the hospital and got her checked in. They put her in a labor and delivery room, hooked her up to the delivery hardware and left us alone. Do you know how awkward that is. Let me fucking tell you ... It fucking sucked. We both knew there was something coming that was going to change our lives forever. It was the literal 500-pound gorilla in the room.
I am sorry to say that whatever words of comfort I was able to muster weren't very comforting and that was probably the first time I abandoned my wife in our very young marriage. Truthfully? I wanted my mom. I wanted my dad. I wanted anyone to hold me and tell me it was going to be OK. I wanted someone to tell me to shut the fuck up and stop thinking about myself ... that I had a mother there who didn't know what was going on and she needed me to take that burden for her and tell her it would be OK. But we were alone together ... small talk, chit chat, nervous laughs. I failed her at that moment and for that I will forever feel a sense of shame.
She went through the whole cycle of labor that night but it was a slower process than we thought it should be. She didn't dialate like she should have. The nurses came in and tried to find the baby's heartbeat. They couldn't. Their mannerisms and exchanged glances told me everything I needed to know. Finally the time came and he was coming. It was a hard delivery and I was scared shitless. But what are you going to do? I had to pretend like everything was OK even though I was dying inside. I don't know why I felt the need to pretend ... she knew as well as I that this was a night we would never forget no matter how hard we tried. I held her hand and whispered encouragement, hoping against hope that they were wrong, yet knowing deep down that they weren't.
How the fuck could the God I had dedicated my life to and still worshiped and believed in do this to us! That was the only question that kept running through my mind during the whole process. I didn't have an answer then and I still dont.
Christopher Thomas was born early in the morning of June 19. The cord had somehow got twisted around his neck and strangled him. I remember a few things about that night. I remember seeing him as he slipped out of the birth canal. His eyes were open and they were the prettiest, brightest blue I had ever seen in my life. He was perfect y'all. Absolutely perfect! I couldn't understand how we couldn't be shedding tears of joy as his cries filed the delivery room.
I remember the Doctor snapping off his gloves and saying, out fucking loud mind you, "Yeah, this baby has been dead for a while." Matter of factly, right in front of me and his grieving mother. I hope he is dead and suffered as much as he made my wife with that one casual statement while the life blood seeped out of his body.
I remember calling my mother and telling her we were coming home to bury my baby and sobbing uncontrollably on the phone to her the whole time. I don't remember much after that. The next week or so was a big blur. I was no use to my wife in my grief and she was no use to me. We were like extras in a George Romero flick just going through the motions. I know that somehow my wife got a stuffed rabbit and that became her surrogate for the trip home. She wouldn't put it down or let it out of her sight. I'm ashamed again to say that I didn't care. Whatever got her through it was OK with me as log as it didn't interfere with my self-medication and grieving process.
We finally got home and laid my baby boy to rest in the cemetery near the church I dedicated my life to God in.
It used to not be so bad. I was stationed in California, Korea and Tampa and spent a tour in Saudi Arabia during Destert Storm 1. He was always on my mind but I couldn't go see him and that made it easier to put my emotions in check. Put them on the back burner so to speak. But now I am here and can go visit anytime I choose. I don't know which is worse.
If you have made it this far, thank you. Just a short trip left and I'll be done.
That day ruined my relationship with God. I still believe in him but I despise him. No lightning at my house? The fatty must be some good shit and I hope he enjoys it ... he created it after all.
Don't even ask because yeah, I've been through years of counceling and therapy to try and resolve this. But it seems like the only thing I've resolved is that life is a crapshoot. I believe God is on the beach in Jamaica or the Bahamas sipping a nice, tall, cold margarita and puffing on a big fatty. And as far as the crapshoot goes? I've been shooting snake eyes for a long time but that's OK! I prefer to trust my own luck as far as life goes thankyouverymuch. At least I know I give a shit.
Yeah, Tommy's life hasnt been a honeymoon so far but that's alright. I mean it. Truthfully, whose has? It really doesn't matter. You know why? I feel a lucky seven coming my way. It's just around the corner and I plan to let em roll. Disgusted? Feeling sorry for me? Don't. Cuz the kid will be all right as soon as hell month is over. Thanks for letting me vent.
Comments
Wow. Amazing. My heart sank to hear about your son. But I'm glad you'll get through this and get through June.
Posted by: Crimson | June 13, 2006 9:25 PM
Thank you for sharing. I've never been a parent but I've been the one delivering the bad news to parents and at those moments too I have wondered where the heck God went. Like you said, you give a shit about life and that's why we like ya. Again, thanks for sharing with us.
Posted by: moosekahl | June 13, 2006 9:27 PM
Tommy, thank you for sharing your soul with us.
I am sincerely hoping that this helped ease your pain in some way.
Much love to you.
Posted by: sandi | June 13, 2006 10:05 PM
What an amazing post, Tommy! I know how hard this was to write. Having gone through a similar experience myself, I kinda know how you are/were feeling. Thank you for sharing this with us. It's hard, I know. Hugs to you!! Much love. :)
Posted by: chelle | June 13, 2006 10:26 PM
I am truly speechless. Tonight I am going to hold my boy until my eyes won't stay open no more & tomorrow I will hug my girls much more. Thank you Tommy.
Posted by: Tragic | June 13, 2006 10:57 PM
Tommy...words fail me right now...but I've travelled that road...for different reasons...but the destination was the same...It's a hard road indeed...
May you find peace...and may the month pass quickly...
*hugs*
Posted by: Becca | June 14, 2006 12:45 AM
Wow - thanks for sharing. I have to say - maybe its naive on my part - but I feel like I can identify on a different, perhaps less traumatic subject.. I often feel like God did not provide a wife for me, even as I was trying to serve him. What reward eh? The image of a prunned tree is what makes sense to me - we don't know his purposes - they are his after all.
Posted by: Dano | June 14, 2006 12:57 AM
I cry for you.... for her... and for him... and I have no answers.
Love you my friend.
Posted by: Wenchy | June 14, 2006 3:40 AM
dude you are one awesome man!
Posted by: steve | June 14, 2006 6:08 AM
I have no words - nothing I could say could make it better. Thank you for sharing that look deep into your soul Tommy.
Posted by: the melody censor | June 14, 2006 9:08 AM
Perhaps in writing that all down in a public forum such as this it will help dispell some of the power and the pain. Thanks for sharing such a deep and personal event - hope it helps you get through the month!
Posted by: Seamus | June 14, 2006 10:25 AM
I'm at a loss for words. My heart aches for you. Thanks for opening up and sharing this TG. *big hugs and lots of love*
Posted by: Chris | June 14, 2006 11:21 AM
Well life is mainly a big crapshoot for us all. There are hot streaks and cold streaks for everyone. Just step back up to the table, grab them bones, give a good blow, a firm toss and yell as loud as you can "7 or 11!! Comin' out!!"
I've got my money on you coming out ahead before the game's over. *smooch*
Posted by: betchacantguesswho | June 14, 2006 11:43 AM
words fail, and i'm not going to spout any platitudes at you. thank you for being willing to put it all out there, no sugar coating. may you find the peace you seek. much love to you, big guy.
Posted by: lime | June 14, 2006 1:38 PM
i have no words...
but the tears are runnin down my face...
fuck
holdin you
lovin you
peace...
Posted by: Monkey | June 14, 2006 5:25 PM
Tommy,
I am sorry this has been a rough month for you. I think you are much more brave than me. I do not have the strength to open up my baggage. Who knows, it may help, but I just can't. I am pleased to be your friend. I hope you will lean on me when you need to.
Posted by: Lee Ann | June 14, 2006 7:01 PM
tg, you've read enough about my church/god experiences to know i know what you're talking about. june sucks for me, too... the 16th would be my brother's 40th birthday. his death was the beginning of the end of my belief in a loving, hands-on god. there's no explanation for it, there's no purpose, there's no great plan. you just have to take comfort in the joys you've experienced since then. you have to realize that at the time you were a child, and while you failed your wife (and yourself) you can't be fully accountable for your actions during a time of grief. it's so easy to say, really, although i will never forgive myself for allowing my brother to die in the hospital alone. yes, i was a child, but i will never be able to let that go. we get on and have joy in spite of these things, tg, but they are always a part of us.
thanks for writing about it, i thought it was something like this from last week's post, and this is definitely the most nude hnt i've seen. we're gonna take june by storm.
and throw your damned dice and split the winnin's with me, will ya?
Posted by: Sis B | June 14, 2006 11:01 PM
My heart breaks for you. I don't usually cry over people I don't know, but your pain is palpable. I'm honored you shared it. I'm sorry for your losses.
I agree with the comment above. This is the nakedest hnt I've ever seen. And the most moving.
Posted by: Queen of Pink | June 14, 2006 11:08 PM
Wow man...I don't know what to say. What a powerful and extremely sad post. I'm so sorry this happened to you and the wife. Again, all I can say is wow. I'm glad you took the time to share this.
Posted by: chuck | June 14, 2006 11:08 PM
Hey TG, after reading that soul baring post...I have a deeper level of respect for you (not that I didn't respect you before :) )
It takes a lot to reveal a piece of your soul, your essence that makes you...well, you and I thank you for sharing.
Posted by: Heather | June 14, 2006 11:22 PM
Oh Tommy....
Posted by: Susie | June 15, 2006 12:09 AM
You know I love ya hon...
Posted by: Becca | June 15, 2006 12:40 AM
Hey TG.............. thinking of you....
Posted by: Wenchy | June 15, 2006 1:50 AM
I have more than a few tears... but no words. They always seem to fail me when my heart just wants to reach out and hold someone... like you.
Posted by: addict | June 15, 2006 2:40 AM
Feeling for you brother.
Posted by: Lurch Adams | June 15, 2006 3:03 AM
Tommy, words fail me but you touched us all with that post. *hugs*
Happy HNT anyway ;)
Posted by: Suze | June 15, 2006 3:44 AM
Tommy,I cannot pretend to feel your pain... but you sharing that is courage. Be well, my friend.
Posted by: lecram | June 15, 2006 5:07 AM
Reading this post, I felt speechless and numb, my words are coming back now...
I lost a baby once, I believe I was 5 months into the pregnancy (it's been awhile) and I had gone into the hospital as they were preparing to do some type of tranfusion to the baby, hooking me up, getting everything ready, they looked at the monitor and realized the baby had died. The "Surgeon" was all into running his mouth, describing what he saw BEFORE telling me in any kind of sensitive manner that my baby had died... I felt like a piece of meat lying on a table...
when I read you say " remember the Doctor snapping off his gloves and saying, out fucking loud mind you, "Yeah, this baby has been dead for a while." Matter of factly, right in front of me and his grieving mother."
I beyond anger and sadness.
This was a heart wrenching post, to write and to read...
I hope it helped you.
I won't comment on your feelings about God, but know there are people "out here" who care about you, YOU are a good guy and I'm glad to know you ;)
Posted by: MG | June 15, 2006 8:21 AM
Thank you for sharing, I can't imagine going through something like that, although I lived with someone that did when I was a teen. I hope one day your faith returns.
Posted by: Bekah | June 15, 2006 9:32 AM
I feel for you man. I truly hope that one day as you hold your next child in your arms that you find comfort in knowing that the ones we love never truly leave. I hope that a lot. Good luck man.
Posted by: Scorpiolee | June 15, 2006 11:40 AM
tommy, i can't imagine the grief you must have gone through so i won't try to pretend i understand. but i do understand that whole "god" thing strangely enough. i'm glad you made it through. only the strong survive...right?;)
love ya..
Posted by: melanie | June 15, 2006 12:52 PM
Tommy, I'm sorry for the loss of your son. June is a happy/hell month for me as well. Happy because my anniversary is June 13th but hell because my daughter Angela was born and died on June 11th. I delivered her at 7 months, so I can absolutely relate to your anguish and your feelings of loss and bewilderment. I, like you and your wife, had a doctor who was so cold and impersonal, that he may as well have been handing the nurse a bag of bread. He said nothing to me, handed my daughter to the nurse and walked out. At least the nurse was kind and gently handed me my still alive baby and left us alone for a bit. She passed away in my arms. I am not a religious person but I do believe in God. I was so angry after my daughter passed away. Sad too of course, but anger would seep through me and I couldn't understand how this could happen to me? I had 3 wonderful sons and longed for a daughter to complete my family. That daughter was dead. How could God be so cruel? Over time, I realized her death wasn't about me or directed at me. I don't want to get into all the details here because it may bore people but I can tell you, once I let go of the anger and embraced her very short life and then her death, I felt free. I can't tell you how to grieve or how long to grieve but I can tell you that I've been where you are and that it will get better. You'll never forget and you'll always wonder about your child and how they would look today and what they would be like and you wish you could hold them (my girl would be 7 now). I try to celebrate the fact that I'm her mother and I am thankful for those few brief moments that I had with her. She will always be a part of who I am and as well, your son will always be a part of who you are. May your angel watch over you and keep you safe. Sassy xo
Posted by: Sassy | June 15, 2006 2:28 PM
Oh Tommy, no words, just lots of love and e-hugs. You're surviving every parent's nightmare. Thank you for telling us your story.
Posted by: Bama Girl | June 15, 2006 4:14 PM
awww Tony.
You made me bawl.
I've been there in that spot, the elephant in the room.
I have three beautiful children (2 born prematurely) but have been pregnant 5 times.
I lost one baby when I was 5 months along and they had to induce my labour and I gave birth to this teeny tiny angel we named Lucas after my brother who died of SIDS as a newborn.
My heart aches when I think of my cherubs, so today I'll say a prayer for your aching heart, your wifes aching heart and love we don't understand.
Posted by: Melissa | June 15, 2006 4:43 PM
Hey Tommy...been awhile, I know, but I'm still around now and then during my break from blogdom. I just had to comment on this and say I understand. August 8th is my day...
Big hugs to you! I'll be thinking of you on the 19th.
Posted by: MamaKBear | June 15, 2006 7:11 PM
My love to you... Whole hearted and very pained love to you...
Posted by: Blondie | June 15, 2006 8:02 PM
oh tommy, i'm at a total loss of words. wish i had more than just words on a computer screen to give to you to help ease your pain some. i'm just so sorry honey.
Posted by: Leen | June 16, 2006 11:52 AM
Sorry I am here so late to this post but its been hell lately here.
This is so hard to read and yet I totally understand your POV dear TG..your a wonderful person, and if you were perfect you wouldn't be the same person I care about. Hang in there..life is a long trip..the destination isn't more important or less important..but the trip is the thing..
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