**

It's HNT everybody and "How YOU doin?" I'm OK. Still haven't found the solution to my e-mail problem but I will. It's a guarantee. First off, if you haven't added yourself to my notification list yet, just plug your e-mail address into the box on my sidebar and you will be notified everytime a new post goes up. It don't cost and it don't hurt so just do it ... you know you want to! Be counted among the coolest of cool people. Now down to business ...
Today's HNT is a foreign edition. If you are just here for the pic, scroll down ... you'll find it. Wanna hear a tale, though? Then pull up a chair and crack open a beer and let me take you on a journey to a land far, far away at a time in the past, not too distant to have been forgotten.
Two weeks after my youngest son was born (the same son who is currently two weeks away from turning 16 and right on his scheduled developmental path of seeing how quickly he can put his parents in the loony bin or detox ... whatever comes first) I was on a plane to Korea for a one year remote tour with the U.S. Air Force. Prior to that, I had spent two years in California stationed at Edwards Air Force Base. It was a great assignment but after two years it was time to move on. I volunteered to go to Korea and was actually surprised when I got it. We were not really that independently wealthy and so there was no way I was going to be able to come home on vacation during the tour. I knew that but it was OK because even though I was married and had two kids by then, I was really ok with being alone. I've always had that liitle bit in me that actually preferred that anyway, so I was good.
I have always been a big guy ... I was up to 250 at one point in my life and hated it. I was a heavy diesel mechanic in the Air Force. I worked on 5,000 gallon fuel trucks that brought the jet fuel out to the planes. I will say I never was a particularly good mechanic and never enjoyed it as much as I could or probably should have. It was hard work but I did the best I could. I arrived at Osan Air Force Base, Korea, Iand started out in my regular shop. But because of my knack with paperwork and ability to efficiently run a minor maintenance and tire shop, I was soon moved over and put in charge of that section. It was also the section that took in all the vehicles with problems, diagnosed them, farmed them out to the proper shop and then did a quality assurance check before they left.
The best part about being there was the Airmen I worked with. I ran a pretty tight shop and everyone knew that while on duty, you were expected to give 110 percent but once we were off, they knew I would be waiting at the bar, ready to buy the first round for the guys. We were tight and I loved that!
The tire shop was a busy one. We did everything from regular car tires to tires that were taller by half than any of us were. In the summer, I had to wear a uniform to work and keep one at the office to change into. We busted our asses and sweated like pigs. When I got to Korea, I weighed about 220 (it was one of my light periods) but after a year in country, I had dropped about 35 to 40 pounds. This is me near the end, lying in my bunk in the dorms.

Tonight's gratuitous shot comes with a story too. Every year, each unit at Osan picks an orphanage to adopt around the holidays. We bought gifts for all the children, snacks, cake ice cream, balloons, the freaking works man. We partied hard, we worked hard and we gave back hard. I was proud of my guys! Different cultures have different beliefs and and I'm down with that ... most of the time. Korea has tons with orphanages filled with kids that no one wants, much like America except it's because of those fucked up beliefs and I don't get that. These two girls are a perfect example of that.

The two girls in red were first-born twins. In the Korean culture it is imperative to have a son first. To have a daughter is bad luck. These two girls must have brought the black plague. You see, their mother stuffed their right hands in boiling water and held them there until they were just melted nubs. You can't really see it in the pic but believe me, I held those hands in mine and wept. She then threw them out like so much garbage. I'm sorry ... I'm tearing up as we speak. They were the sweetest, happiest, most beautiful girls I had ever seen in my life and it still breaks my heart that I couldn't adopt them and bring them back to the states. I fell in love with them that day and regret my inability to act on my wishes. I hope and pray that wherever they are today, they are happy and loved. And that's my story. If you hung in this far, thank you. If you want to know why we get Nekkid, go see the Wizard of Os and find out. HHNT everybody. Now pass me a freaking handkerchief and lets talk about life's regrets.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 6:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (33)

This is a long post so if you want to read the whole thing, and I hope you do, click on the link that says "continue reading" below.

I bought my laptop as a Christmas present this past year and have really enjoyed it since then. Mommy Gunn thinks I enjoy it a bit TOO much but that's another post for another day. It came set up for wireless which is good because I didn't want to be tied down anywhere just to have to talk to you all or do anything else I felt like. In fact, as I type this post, I am sitting on my back porch. It is cloudy and raining but the cool air feels wonderful after the past couple of days of 90 degree temperatures and humidity. The backyard is alive. I hear insects, birds chirping, my cat is streched out doing what cat's do best ... trying to get through the day while expending the least amount of energy as possible. But I digress.
I bought the wireless router and installed it and it works GREAT ... except for one small problem. I can't send e-mail. I recieve e-mail but just cant send it. I'm using Outlook Express 6.0 as my e-mail program and really like it except for that one problem. I have owned computers since the very early 90's and have done most of my own work on them so I have developed a certain amount of skill in figuring stuff out. I'm not saying I can work in IT (although from some of the experiences I've had with those fine folks, I couldn't do any worse than some) but I can muddle through and eventually figure stuff out.

What really irks me is that I have AOL and can send through there. I can go to my internet based webmail and send from there but, at home, I can't send a damn thing. At work, we have the same system I have at home. The same internet provider, the same modem, the same wireless router ... everything. When I try to send e-mail from there you'll never believe what happens. It sails right through. I don't understand.
After several hours mucking about in the guts of the program yesterday trying to fix it, I gave up and checked the Microsoft troubleshooter. No luck so I see their contact page. $35 bucks to ask for support via e-mail or by phone ... per problem! WTF? Are you effing kidding me? No fucking way am I paying to ask a question that someone would be able to fix in about two minutes.
Their site said if the software came preinstaled, I should contact the manufacturer of my PC. Good IDEA! It's still under warranty. I'll do it! I call HP and get hooked up with Apu who listens intently to my problem, repeats it back to me, takes my information(e-mail address, name, prommisory note for my first born, great-great grandmother's birthday, where I was June 19th of last year and what was I doing at that strip club ... you know the usual.) and then oh, so politely (tech support reps really are the politest people on the planet) informs me that he, Apu is not an IT guy and can't help me with my problem BUT he can transfer me to one who can certainly help get this straightened out. They have a plan. For 75 minutes of support, it will cost me $99! Ninety-nine freaking dollars! Now, if I'm not willing to pay $35 what the fuck makes this mental giant think I would go for that. Nothing because I hadn't told him yet my bad. I politely decline and he explains that if I don't use the whole seventy five minutes, what ever time I have remaining can be used free of charge over the next six months. Again, I politely decline. Obviously I am a cheapskate or destitute so he turns the page in his book to the chapter titled "This will get them for sure" and explains that in that case I can opt for the 30 minute plan. It's a much better deal you see. It will only cost me $59. How much sweeter can he make the offer? Have I hit the lottery or what?
Again, I politely decline. He turns to the "Get rid of them now!" chapter and informs me that he's sorry he can't help me but that I still have 200 odd days on my warranty and if there is any other problem they can't help me with, I should not hesitiate to call thankyouverymuch. Thus endeth my foray into tech support.
So I am sitting here after a few more hours of trying to figure it out and failing when what in my mailbox should appear? This friends:

Dear Tommy Gunn,

HP invites you to participate in a web-based survey designed to evaluate the
quality of service you received during your recent contact with them. BenchmarkPortal
is conducting this survey on behalf of HP.
Our records indicate that you recently contacted HP because you had a problem
or question while using your laptop. We would like to ask you to please take
a few minutes now to complete our web-based survey. HP will use this information
to help improve the services it provides to you.
Your responses will remain confidential, reported only in aggregate. By taking
the time to respond, you ensure that HP is aware of your needs as a customer
... and HP very much wishes to hear from you.
To access the survey, simply click on the web site address below. It will directly
link you to the questionnaire.

Somehow I don't think they really want to hear from me ... or at least they will feel that way by the time I am done. If any of you brilliant, intelligent, beautiful people in blogland have a clue as to what the problem would be, don't hesitate to call, e-mail ... whatever. I'm open to suggestions. If not there's an IT guy at work who might be able to help. Maybe it's time to look into a Mac?
Oh and as an aside, I hate when my friends, my circle or anyone else I know is in pain and can't seem to see their way out. There is a friend of mine in bloggerville that is in that situation today. Please stop for a minute and think about her, pray for her send her good vibes or whatever you can. I appreciate it and think she will appreciate it too. To her: It will get better, trust me on this. If I had half your strength, I would be twice the man I am. I am thinking about you.
Tommy -- out!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 11:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

I have moved to Moveable Type from Blogger and have been working on a new template design. C'mon in and put your feet up. Let me get you a beer, glass of wine, cuppa joe or a soda. I may even have a frappachino around here for those of you who lean in that direction. I still need to add a profile box (maybe) and a profile pic (probably.) Who knows what else I am going to do here? I like it and hope you do too. I have also added a notification box on the sidebar. If you want to be notified by e-mail everytime pearls of wisdom drip from my brain, through my arms and out my fingers, go ahead and put your address in. And as long as you are here, tell me what you think. You know I am an attention whore. Hope your weekend is going well and hope to talk to you soon!
TG

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 6:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

I am a freak of nature. Yep, no doubt about it and no apologies for it. It is after all who I am and if I can't be me, who's gonna be? I have done quite the bit of soul searching in the past several weeks. I didn't flinch but rather looked deep down to the core of Tommy. You know what I found? It's a little bit dark in there ... OK,it's pitch black. I guess I forgot to pay the electric bill. Go figure. Once I got the torches lit and looked around a bit, I saw rats as big as poodles eating roaches the size of dinner plates.
There are webs all over the place as thick as cables dripping with jelly that burns the flesh if brushed up against. (Note to self: pick up more triple anibiotic ointment and bandages.) Ensconced in those webs are very large, very scary spiders, venom dripping from their fangs and eyes glowing an eerie, almost otherworldly blue. They make a squishy sound when they shuffle to devour anything that gets caught in their webbing. Piles of small bones, possibly the bones of children litter the ground under their nests. Hearing that sound almost made me turn back.
I didn't want to go any farther, but there was something in the corner. I was drawn, compelled even to face the vermin because I had to see what it was. I could no more have turned away than I could rip my arm out of the socket and sit down with some fava beans and a nice bottle of Chianti. It was a body. I could tell it had been there for years. It was curled up in a fetal position and the ribs were sticking through the remnants of a shirt that had long since decomposed around them. The legs and arms were sticks barely covered with flesh, pulled taut after years of being locked away in the dark.
I reached out to turn the body and it gasped, heaving in breath. I think it was at that point that I shat myself ... or maybe it was the spiders. Either way, it was not a pretty sight or smell. I got down on my knees beside it and gently, grabbing it by the arm, rolled it over to get a look at it's face. I stared into my own eyes and wept. Pretty melodromatic, huh?
The truth is, I came face-to-face with an ugly little secret that I have been hiding away for years ... I love. That's it. That's all. I love. OK, so it goes a little deeper than that. I don't love. anybody. Not a bit. It's all about me baby. (Ethyl Marie, is that boy on something? Didn't he just say he loved ... and then turned around and said he don't love? Check his eyes and while you're down at the Super Saver, pick up one of them there new fangled drug tests. We need to get that boy a-pissin!)
Yeah BillyRayBobJuniorSamples, that's what I said. And I'm not stoned. I don't let people in. I lock them out, them meaning most of you. I do this mainly for their (your) own safety. (see spiders and rats above for further details) As much as I hate to say it I think that also partially applies to my wife and kids but I'm just telling you what I saw down there.
Every once in a while, once in a blue moon or maybe even longer than that. Aw shit, OK. Honestly I can count the times it's happened in my life on one hand and don't even have to use my thumb. In fact, I still have fingers available. It's a very rare thing indeed. But once in a while, someone comes into my life that I do want in. I do love and brother, when I love my flame burns as bright as the freaking sun. The problem is it's so hot, so fucking brilliant that it ends up incinerating whoever gets in it's path leaving them a scorched husk. What usually happens is the object of my affection (and it could be male or female. I'm an equal opportunity destroyer) is overwhelmed by me and runs screaming into the night, bleeding from the ears. I get depressed, pissed, upset and throw that little bastard back to the rats and spiders.
Why am I like this? I don't have a clue. Really. I do know it almost ruined a relationship that I thought I wanted so badly I could taste it. Thank God the overhead fire system kicked in and cooled me off in time. I think this one can be saved boys and girls. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a basement to clean, rats and spiders to kill and a body to feed and nourish back to good health. Anybody wanna help? Ethyl just got back with the cream and bandages ... Anybody?

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 2:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Say hello to the next American Idol. Way to freaking go Taylor! You are the anti-Idol, a grey haired, overweight, middle-aged looking dude that can sing his ass off. Congratulations dude. Make us proud ... especially your hometown folks!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 9:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (14)

Taylor Hicks has just become the next American Idol. Katherine McPhee is beautiful, she has a good, scratch that, GREAT body. she can sing her ass off but the boy from Alabama, the leader of the Soul Patrol, was far and above Miss McPhee. Congratulations Taylor Hicks. Make us proud. Betcha and No One, what do you think? And does it make me gay that I think Daniel Powter is HAWT and so is "So you had a bad day?" I love that song. Have a great day lovers and other dudes. (I'm not really gay ... noth that there's anything wrong with that. LOL) In fact, have a good week and be safe on your Memorial Day weekend. Love y'all.
TG

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 7:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

I just wanted to let you all know that the very large problem I was having over the past several weeks (months, years) is solved. I appreciate all your good thoughts, comments, prayers and vibes. A new day is dawning. It won't be any easier in the future but the headache and heartache are over. Thank you again and I love you all. Talk to you later,
Tommy

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 5:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

Well, son #1 walked the aisle last night and is officially sanctioned to be ready to start his real education ... in the school of hard effin knocks! LOL All the speeches were about hope for the future, going out and living your dreams. All I could do was snicker from the sidelines. I wonder if I believed that even when I was wearing the robes? I doubt it. In any case, Here's to the future Josh. Make the best of it cuz it gets here before you know it, believe me ... I have the stories to prove it. Congratulations graduate, I'm proud of you. Now get to work, you gotta pay for college!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 9:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

OK people its Friday. Over at Susie's she does something called Flash Fiction Friday 55. The concept? In exactly 55 words, write a story with a decipherable plot and at least one main character. I have been playing for a while and have come to enjoy it immensely. Here is mine for the day .......

The lines on his face look a bit deeper than they did yesterday. He stares at the mirror. "Is that another gray hair?" he asks. There is no denying the fact. He is old. Oh, by societal standards he is still young but his bones don't feel it. Today his oldest son graduates High School.

go ahead and give it a try. Lets see what you've got. Leave yours in my comments or post in on your own blog ... whatever, just get to writing. Have a great weekend everybody. I have a graduation party to go to. Laters.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 11:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO HNT! YEE-HAW Y'ALL! Before we get to the "meat" of the issue, just a note. My ferverent prayer below alludes to the fact that should I die in the middle of the night or unexpectedly, there are things on my hard drive that I wouldn't want my mom or dad or anyone else to see. Kinda like wearing clean underwear in case of accidents.
Now that that's cleared up on with the celebration.
Here as requested is my first HNT. I remember telling you all I had me eyes on you. I am proud to say that my eye (both of them) have been popped out of my head many times since then. Ladies (and you know who you are) thank you for that.

The day I lost my virginity ... yeah, right!

Here is my Happy Anniversary to Os and the rest of you. Lets get Nekkid Ya'll!

What's all the fuss about? Go see Os ... he'll tell you

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 6:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (41)

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
If I should die before I wake,
Somebody, please, for God's sake, reformat my hard drive.
Amen

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 8:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Have you, especially the older ones out there, come to a point in your life where you had to make a decision? I mean a life altering decision. A decision that won't only affect you but your immediate family, your extended family and even a few acquaintances?

That time is upon me.

I don't know how I came to this point in life. I have been a problem child since as early as I can remember. In Germany, I rode off with a guy on a bike. I missed my bus and he offered to give me a ride home. Come to find out he had stolen the bike. He rode me into downtown Frankfurt ... yeah, downtown fucking Frankfurt, Germany. He ran away leaving me holding the bag ... er, bike. Oh and did I mention I was maybe in second grade at the time? That was the first time I learned not to trust people.

I was a military brat and was used to moving every couple of years. The friends I made were pretty superficial because after all, why get close to someone if you are only going to have to say goodbye in a couple of years? This time the move was to Alaska.

My first day there I fell in with the smokers and, unfortunately, that was where the druggers hung out too. It wasn't long after that that I took my first hit of weed and it was off to the races. The next two years of high school were really a blur. I got into theatre and that taught me how to really be fake. I was fucking smooth, y'all. I also got the lead in just about everything I went out for. I could sing, dance, act ... I was somebody to those folks ... but deep down inside I knew I was really a loser among more losers.

My relationship with my family was shit. I ran away at the drop of a hat. I spent months on the streets of Anchorage, stealing or selling dope for food, getting high ... just slumming and I was the happiest kid you could meet when I was on my own. I didn't need anybody. I had me and I was enough.

My parents were good people. They were strict, but generally fair. In no way did they deserve my treatment of them. I used to sniff gas for kicks. My dad was an avid sportsman. He hunted, fished, boated ... all that outdoors shit. He also kept a workshop in the basement. It had all his sports related stuff in it and was kept locked cuz ... well, I was a stoner and a thief.

Just to prove it, I broke into the workshop and sniffed the boat gas tank until I passes out and pulled it on top of me, spilling gas everywhere. My immediate, rocket-science response was to get every scented candle in the house to the basement and light them to cover up the gas smell.

That accomplished, it was back to huffing. My dad found me passed out again, gas all over the floor, candles everywhere and proceeded to beat the piss out of me. Big surprise huh? I could go on and on but suffice it to say that the preceding episode was just another day in the life of Tommy. I ended up stealing a car and getting caught doing donuts in the school bus parking lot of a rival school as school let out. I could have killed somebody and it's only by God's will that I didn't.

That idiocy carried on to my marriage. I had been married for nine days when I was sent to Germany in the Air Force. I went to a whorehouse (which was legal in Germany) and got laid before my wife (who I had dated for four years) got there.

I continued that pattern while I was working at a radio station from 1994 to 2004. In that capacity, I had many opportunities to cheat on her and I took every opportunity. Finally, I started cheating on her on the Internet. She nailed me and called me on it. I had no excuses. She left.

We lived apart for a long time. Our parents and siblings made their opinions known, but I didn't give a fuck ... okay ... I DID give a fuck, but there was nothing I could do.

Well. My girlfriend and I broke up. I am getting therapy and my wife is willing to go with me. She had a boyfriend, so don't think she is totally innocent, but she never had one until I told her I wanted a divorce. Again, it was my fault.

In any case, we are trying to work it out. I don't know if it will work, but we will see.

Wish us luck.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 9:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I have a bit of writer's block today so I decided I'd share one of my favorite poetic epics with you. It is by Samuel Taylor Coleridge and is called 'The Rime of the Ancient Mariner.' It is the story, told by an old seaman to a guest at a wedding, of a ship that runs through an ice storm and just when all is thought to be lost, a lucky sign appears. Unfortunately someone on the ship diodn't believe in good luck charms or was just plain whacked out ... with dire consequences. I hope you enjoy. Part two will come tomorrow

It is an ancient Mariner,
And he stoppeth one of three.
`By thy long beard and glittering eye,
Now wherefore stopp'st thou me ?

The Bridegroom's doors are opened wide,
And I am next of kin ;
The guests are met, the feast is set :
May'st hear the merry din.'

He holds him with his skinny hand,
`There was a ship,' quoth he.
`Hold off ! unhand me, grey-beard loon !'
Eftsoons his hand dropt he.

He holds him with his glittering eye--
The Wedding-Guest stood still,
And listens like a three years' child :
The Mariner hath his will.

The Wedding-Guest sat on a stone :
He cannot choose but hear ;
And thus spake on that ancient man,
The bright-eyed Mariner.

`The ship was cheered, the harbour cleared,
Merrily did we drop
Below the kirk, below the hill,
Below the lighthouse top.

The Sun came up upon the left,
Out of the sea came he !
And he shone bright, and on the right
Went down into the sea.

Higher and higher every day,
Till over the mast at noon--'
The Wedding-Guest here beat his breast,
For he heard the loud bassoon.

The bride hath paced into the hall,
Red as a rose is she ;
Nodding their heads before her goes
The merry minstrelsy.

The Wedding-Guest he beat his breast,
Yet he cannot choose but hear ;
And thus spake on that ancient man,
The bright-eyed Mariner.

`And now the STORM-BLAST came, and he
Was tyrannous and strong :
He struck with his o'ertaking wings,
And chased us south along.

With sloping masts and dipping prow,
As who pursued with yell and blow
Still treads the shadow of his foe,
And forward bends his head,
The ship drove fast, loud roared the blast,
The southward aye we fled.

And now there came both mist and snow,
And it grew wondrous cold :
And ice, mast-high, came floating by,
As green as emerald.

And through the drifts the snowy clifts
Did send a dismal sheen :
Nor shapes of men nor beasts we ken--
The ice was all between.

The ice was here, the ice was there,
The ice was all around :
It cracked and growled, and roared and howled,
Like noises in a swound !

At length did cross an Albatross,
Thorough the fog it came ;
As if it had been a Christian soul,
We hailed it in God's name.

It ate the food it ne'er had eat,
And round and round it flew.
The ice did split with a thunder-fit ;
The helmsman steered us through !

And a good south wind sprung up behind ;
The Albatross did follow,
And every day, for food or play,
Came to the mariner's hollo !

In mist or cloud, on mast or shroud,
It perched for vespers nine ;
Whiles all the night, through fog-smoke white,
Glimmered the white Moon-shine.'

`God save thee, ancient Mariner !
From the fiends, that plague thee thus !--
Why look'st thou so ?'--With my cross-bow
I shot the ALBATROSS.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 4:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Today must have been a day for death. The first thing that happened, I was driving down entrance road and hear this "thump" like I hit a bump in the road or something. I look in my rear-view mirror and there is a sparrow doing the hokey-pokey in the middle of the road. I guess it swooped low and smacked the side of my car. I feel like a murderer.
Next, I'm still feeling like shit. My cold has turned into a sinus infection and my head is about to explode. So I call Doctor Dolittle and he calls in an antibiotic for me. I decide ( and my boss concurs) that I need to go home. I hit the road and get stuck behind a truck with a trailer hauling a bail of hay. The truck portion of the hauler barely misses this huge turtle on the blacktop and then, for some reason, swerves. The trailer hits the turtle dead center, spraying turtle goo all over the place. I swerve to miss it and the last thing I see is this cracked shell with the turtle's head sticking straight up as if he were screaming at the sky. I feel a nightmare coming on.
As if that weren't enough, I have a buttload of e-mail to go through from my week's vacation, cuz I may be dedicated, but there ain't no effin way I am going to even think about work when I ain't there, let alone do something proactive like check my e-mail from home. Uh-uh, no freaking way. Well buried about halfway into the inbox is a short note from my boss telling everyone that the soda vendor has been changed. All the Diet Coke machines will soon be replaced by shiny new Pepsi machines.
Did I mention that the only thing I can think of when I hear Pepsi is Jeff Gordon? (In case you are not up on your Nascar history, he drives the #24 Dupont Paint car but Pepsi is a major sponsor of his.) Did I also mention that I hate Jeff Gordon with a passion that would do Charles Manson justice? Did I perhaps in an aside state the fact that I hate Pepsi even more than Jeff Gordon ... if that's possible. I need a drink, y'all. A nice rum and Diet Coke perhaps, but with my luck, I'll find a dead rat in the rum and all my Diet Coke will be flat. I'll let you know later when I wake up from my nightmare and the SPCA gets through with me. Have a great one!
TG
edit: I just looked out my rear window and my cat, along with another neighborhood cat, have a lizard or frog trapped between them playing "rip the reptile." It just gets better and better.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 3:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

Just a quick post to wish you all (or at least all that qualify) the Happiest of Mother's Days. May they be all you want them to be and may you be treated like queens today. It's the last day of my vacation and I still haven't shaken off the cold so I might call in sick tomorrow. Here's to you Moms. It's your day.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 12:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

My son, my beautiful 18 year old son, Joshua, is spending his last day at that torturous institute known throughout the United States as High School. What's happening, Tommy? Is he getting kicked out? Is he dropping out? Is his life over before it has barely begun? I hear you asking yourself those questions and sitting on the edge of your seat in anxious anticipation and concern. Well belay your fears, faithful readers. My son who just yesterday looked like this (I swear it was yesterday!):

woke up today looking like this:

Where the fuck does the time go? Can someone explain that to me? Anyway, my son, Josh, has navigated his way through the shark-filled waters and completed the socially mandated course of instruction that should ... should ... prepare him for the next stage of life. Today is his last day of school and, barring personal disaster or getting arrested for embezzlement at Wal-Mart, he will walk down the aisle and collect his diploma next Friday. He has also been accepted to Northwestern State University for the fall term, but is still undecided about whether to go to school first or join the Navy. Either way, son, know I support you in your decision and will back you to the hilt in whatever you choose.
Congratulations Josh. I am so proud of you and love you so much. I can't wait to see what the world has planned for you as you enter the next stage of your life. Just know I will always be there in the rough spots so you have someone to lean on and I will be there during the "Fuck Yeah!" moments to raise you on my shoulders. You are a good son and you make this father prouder than any mortal man has a right to be (even though I could kick your ass sometimes, GRRRR.) I Love you and look forward to walking beside you on the next leg of your journey. Congratulations, you did it. I always knew you could.
Love,
Dad

And just cause I can't let you go without the gratuitous shot, me and Josh from a few years ago. LOOK AT THAT FREAKIN HAIR! UUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHH! I hate my hair, but my son is adorable.

If anybody needs me I'll be weeping uncontrollably, bleeding from the ears, curled up in a fetal position and sucking my thumb in the corner. Have a great day y'all.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 11:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (14)

What is it with my luck? I think the Gods have a vendetta against me or something. You know I'm on vacation and I have spent the past few days cleaning and organizing my garage. Mission accomplished! Here is the proof:

On the down side, blogger was an ass this week and so I was locked out for a while. Well, that finally got straightened out (about three hours ago) so I can blog again. YAY ME! I have decided to switch from Blogger to Moveable Type as a publisher and that will entail some changes to the Darkside. I am cool with that and hope you are too. One thing that will not change is the rapier sharp writing and that sharp sense of humor you have come to know and love.
So the garage is done but I started feeling a little stuffy this past weekend. That stuffyness has since blown up into a full blown chest cold! I mean WTF? Did I step on a crack and break my momma's back? Did I rip off my freaking mattress tags? Did I throw away a recycleable bottle or something? I don't know!
There is a song by Van Zandt that says "If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans." God must have overheard when I was talking to one of you and thought I was addressing Him. "Hee Haw" used to feature a skit that said "If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. Gloom, despair and agony on me!" I know what you mean fellas! But enough bitching. On with the HNT.
Tonight's HNT starts with a trip in the wayback machine. Hands inside the car and fasten your seatbelts folks ...

I spent my first three high school years in Anchorage, Alaska. The guy you see standing beside me (I am on the left ... yes that's my real effin hair! It was the 70's, so suck me already?) was my best friend, Greg. I am ashamed to say I don't remember his last name. We did a ton of shit together ... some of it actually legal ... some of it. The best times I remember were skiing down the five-mile trail with him , blowing a doobie as we watched the sun go down over Cook Inlet while waiting for the bus to take us back to the top. They were magical times and I miss them dearly. But hey, at least I have the memories (and a better haircut!) Damn, look at how small my ass was back then! Those were the days, baby.

I guess I should have titled this "The best friends edition" because that's what this is turning into. This dog was more my baby than my friend. Her name was Dinky. A little background ... you see, I have never been able to really get close to people in my life. I have a lot of acquaintances but very few real friend. Those I do consider real friends know I would lay my life down for them ... seriously, like taking a bullet while tackling a mugger, shoving them out from in front of a speeding truck or throwing myself on top of a grenade for them. I just don't have that many people I feel that way about.
I lived in the country when this picture was taken. I ran over a puppy one day. A very small puppy that had no business being in the road unattended so far from the house. I got Dinky to replace that puppy but was convinced that I should just keep her instead. "What if that other dog was a purebred? Would a mutt replace that?" I was asked. I kept her. I trained her, slept with her (get your effin minds out of the gutter. I'm kinky but bestiality? No effin thanks!), took her to the vet, fishing, swimming and anywhere else I went. She was trained not to leave the yard even though it had no fence and she never, ever did. We could open the door and let her out with no worries.
I remember giving her the backbone from the first deer I killed and following her around my bedroom later that night cleaning up the diahrea it gave her. I woke up early one morning to the sounds of her in pain and spent the rest of the night following her around as she gave birth to a litter of pups.
She was my life and it tore me up when I joined the Air Force and had to leave her behind for Germany. While I was gone, my sister got in a pissing contest with one of her friends. I later found out my parents had let Dinky out for her final "constitutional" of the evening. It was at that opportune time that the former friend was driving by, saw her in the yard and ran off the road, into my fucking yard, and ran her down. She didn't die but was beyond medical help. My dad, tears in his eyes, gathered her up and relieved her of her suffering the way we do that it in the country. I will never have a dog that means as much to me nor would I want one. Dinky, I love you babe. RIP.
Sorry to get so maudlin folks but I just found the picture today and it ripped my heart out of my chest thinking about it. HHNT to you all. Next post will be more uplifting, I promise.
Go see Os to get the whole HNT story. Lets get Nekkid, Ya'll

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 7:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (34)

So I have been reading the help groups on Blogger and responses are starting to come in as to what's happening with the whole non-FTP-publishing problem. Apparently my web host looks at Blogger now like a spammer and has blocked it from being able to FTP to their servers. I was a little annoyed at first but now seems like the perfect time to switch over to Movable Type as a publisher. There will be a learning curve and I will have to swap all my crap like archives and blogroll over here but it will be ok. The good folks over at Mirus Designs are going to be assisting me with the process. I can't wait to get started but it's probably gonna have to wait until after vacation, I do have priorities after all. Have a great day all.

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 10:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

It has been the vacation from hell so far. On a good note, I have spent the past two days cleaning out my garage. I am almost done and tomorrow should be able to open the doors without embarrassment. On the other hand, I had not posted since last Wednesday, I tried to post Sunday to let you wage slaves know I would be around a whole lot more this week thanks to those cushy government vacation benefits I enjoy. Well, apparently blogger decided it didn't want to upload to my site. We don't know if it's a problem with them or my web host. So, until I get the problem solved you are stuck with this (third version) of a template I hope looks better than the last. Wish me luck folks and I hope to talk to you all soon. Love me ... I could use the attention!

Posted by Tommy Gunn at 9:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)